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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I think I might be pregnant. Fuck.

275 replies

Jayable · 07/07/2023 19:24

And I'm panicking. I haven't taken a test yet because honestly I don't know what the fuck to do if I am and I'm freaking out a little.

Me and DH are going through a bit of a rough patch at the minute. I know, because he's told me...multiple times... that he definitely does not want anymore DC (we already have one son).

Admittedly I've been a bit lax with contraception since our son was born (2 years ago) because frankly I hate hormonal contraception, it messes with my body, bleeding constantly, migraines, mood swings etc. So instead we have done a mix of using condoms or just tracking my cycles and using nothing if its supposed to be a "safe" time. Stupidly I didn't think it was a massive issue because to be honest we barely have sex these days.

Anyway now I'm sat here with really painful boobs, over a week late and having had a tiny bit of brown spotting 4 days ago and nothing else.

Our house is too small, we don't have the money, my husband doesn't want another child and I'm not even sure if we'll be together much longer but I still find the idea of getting rid of a hypothetical pregnancy difficult because I'm really honest with myself I do want another child at some point and have only reluctantly accepted not doing so because of DH.

I'm so scared to find out for sure. I don't even know why I've posted in aibu but is anyone around who's been through this or who can just talk to me!!

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 07/07/2023 20:24

Most important thing is to test. If it’s positive then a lot to deal with. If it’s negative, well your panic here should really really highlight what issues are in your relationship to make you react this way. But no point what if-ing either situation until you’ve tested. Best of luck.

Landndialamrhf · 07/07/2023 20:26

Sounds entirely like DH was lax with contraception
you want another baby and he doesn’t
he knows you’re not using contraception and he doesn’t bother
but he does want to have sex. Ridiculous

the timing and ‘hoping for the best’ method you were using comes with a level of risk. He’s an adult man having unprotected sex with a fertile woman, he fully knows the risk. Don’t let him make it your problem now to sort out. Or let you take the blame for it.

Figure out if you’re pregnant first.
if you’re not pregnant you need to deal with this because it doesn’t sound like a great relationship or method of birth control

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 07/07/2023 20:26

OMG. You poor woman. What a hell of a dilemma. I really do hope for your sake you're not pregnant. And I'm so sorry about your situation anyway. I hope this turns out the best for you at the moment.

TheGoddessFreyja · 07/07/2023 20:26

Take a test hun, no point stressing out until you actually know the reason. Could just be an odd cycle xx

GoodChat · 07/07/2023 20:27

Chichz · 07/07/2023 20:21

Hoping to hear from you once you've tested, OP. I feel for you!

It's not that easy to get the snip these days. Doctor just told DH it'd be at least a year's wait and then you have to wait longer to be in the 'clear'.

Bit fed up of it being bandied around like the obvious solution! (Though sorry to derail...)

It is the obvious solution, and you only have to wait for the procedure if you want it done on the NHS.

Of course you have to wait a period of time afterwards but that's the same as starting the pill or whatever else.

User0311 · 07/07/2023 20:29

Go take a test and you will figure it out either way, lucky to be in a country that allows us pro choice. If positive the decision is yours to make don't be pressured by anyone. Your body your choice x
If negative no need to worry!

SlightlyJaded · 07/07/2023 20:31

Look. Your DH understood the risk of your slightly erratic modes of contraception, so if you are pregnant, this is not your 'fault'. You deal with this together. And if he is upset and starts banging on about how he was clear he didn't want another, you can tell him that he shouldn't be having sex then. Because these things happen.

And the final decision is up to you. Whatever happens though, don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do. If he does give you an ultimatum of 'him or the baby' - you know it's game over. Even if you do abort, you won't ever be able to forgive him for putting you in that position and being forced to make that choice.

On the flip side - and assuming you are - give him some time to get his round it. We are all just human and he is allowed to be stunned / panicked / unsure etc.

Best of luck

SirVixofVixHall · 07/07/2023 20:32

HipHipWhoRay · 07/07/2023 19:28

I’m sorry you’re in this dilemma, but would say that you must do what you want and not feel coerced. If you terminate against your will, your marriage is over and if you don’t, it may also be over. So unfortunately for you, either way it doesn’t look great for your marriage, so do what you need for yourself in terms of the pregnancy. Good luck

Agree with this.
Get a test and find out, so that you can think about what you want to do, give yourself time to decide before telling your husband.

OhComeOnFFS · 07/07/2023 20:34

You might want another baby, but do you want another baby with a man who doesn't want one and who you might well leave anyway? You've plenty of time for another baby later.

Jazzybean · 07/07/2023 20:37

Chichz · 07/07/2023 20:21

Hoping to hear from you once you've tested, OP. I feel for you!

It's not that easy to get the snip these days. Doctor just told DH it'd be at least a year's wait and then you have to wait longer to be in the 'clear'.

Bit fed up of it being bandied around like the obvious solution! (Though sorry to derail...)

Depends where you live. It was about 6 weeks wait for DH (during covid as well!) and then 3 months until testing to confirm it had worked.

KitKat1985 · 07/07/2023 20:37

You need to do a test OP. You may be freaking out over nothing.

Christinatherabbit · 07/07/2023 20:42

Take the test first. Then you can work out a plan

Palewildflower · 07/07/2023 20:45

I’ve been where you are. My DH didn’t want anymore kids, we had 1 DD and 1 DSD (his). He was adamant he didn’t want anymore, I was adamant that I did. So we comprised and I won lol. He was great throughout the pregnancy and great when DS was born. Although he was a hard hard baby, I did everything for DS - every feed, every nappy and every bath and bed. And he would put our daughter to bed. DS was ALOT of hard work because of allergies and really bad eczema. There were so many tears and arguments because of the stress of a difficult baby, and he would always say how he didn’t want DS. However now his allergies and skin are under control and he’s a completely different baby! DH adores DS and we never argue about him anymore. Still argue, but not over the baby anymore lol. It was such a hard time then, but it’s made me a stronger person for getting through it, and our marriage survived too. We are categorically finished having kids now lol. So sometimes there is a happy ending.

IHadTheLasagne · 07/07/2023 20:53

Agree with PPs.Hard not to panic of course, but might all be for nothing. Hooe you're okay.

pontipinemum · 07/07/2023 20:56

Did you get a test? I wouldn't be able to wait to find out. Once you know either way you can make better plans.

ZebraDilemma · 07/07/2023 21:02

Whatever the result, it’s your body therefore your choice.
Your ‘D’ H does not get a say.
If he was so determined that he doesn’t want any more kids then he should have been more responsible.
Wishing you all the best OP.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 07/07/2023 21:05

He's just as responsible as you are.
If you are pregnant don't be pressured into a termination if you don't want one.
If truly deep down in your heart you do not want the baby then don't have it. But if its just things like you think you can't afford it or its not good timing but deep down you really want it, then have it and it will work even if the relationship doesn't work out.
I know too many people who are traumatised after being pressured into terminations they didn't want, and for at least one of my friends she had to have a hysterectomy a few years later due to period problems so she never did get another chance to have a second child.
I am fully pro choice but a baby isn't something that you can just cancel and rebook next year like a hairdressers appointment.
Also he needs to arrange getting the snip.
Good luck op don't panic please xx

Hyppyb · 07/07/2023 21:09

@Jayable The unknown is always going to be harder than the known. You definitely need to take control with knowing first before freaking out too much. Once you know then you can move forward. Hopefully you can get some financial aid if you are.

OhNoOhDearOh · 07/07/2023 21:10

Hate threads like this. Nobody can help when it’s theoretical.

LemonLimeDivine · 07/07/2023 21:12

OhNoOhDearOh · 07/07/2023 21:10

Hate threads like this. Nobody can help when it’s theoretical.

Off you pop then. Hate unhelpful comments like this 🙄

Zanatdy · 07/07/2023 21:19

Take a breathe. If you want another child, keep the baby. You can go it alone if necessary. Don’t rush into any decision or be bullied into anything

BeverlyHa · 07/07/2023 21:23

test first.

GoodChat · 07/07/2023 21:24

OhNoOhDearOh · 07/07/2023 21:10

Hate threads like this. Nobody can help when it’s theoretical.

Of course you can. You can help her see reason and consider next steps so she doesn't go into blind panic if she finds out she is pregnant.

Bournetilly · 07/07/2023 21:25

I hope you get the result you want

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/07/2023 21:26

Keep the baby, ditch the husband. Collect the maintenance money. Babies are better than bikes any day of the week.