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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I think I might be pregnant. Fuck.

275 replies

Jayable · 07/07/2023 19:24

And I'm panicking. I haven't taken a test yet because honestly I don't know what the fuck to do if I am and I'm freaking out a little.

Me and DH are going through a bit of a rough patch at the minute. I know, because he's told me...multiple times... that he definitely does not want anymore DC (we already have one son).

Admittedly I've been a bit lax with contraception since our son was born (2 years ago) because frankly I hate hormonal contraception, it messes with my body, bleeding constantly, migraines, mood swings etc. So instead we have done a mix of using condoms or just tracking my cycles and using nothing if its supposed to be a "safe" time. Stupidly I didn't think it was a massive issue because to be honest we barely have sex these days.

Anyway now I'm sat here with really painful boobs, over a week late and having had a tiny bit of brown spotting 4 days ago and nothing else.

Our house is too small, we don't have the money, my husband doesn't want another child and I'm not even sure if we'll be together much longer but I still find the idea of getting rid of a hypothetical pregnancy difficult because I'm really honest with myself I do want another child at some point and have only reluctantly accepted not doing so because of DH.

I'm so scared to find out for sure. I don't even know why I've posted in aibu but is anyone around who's been through this or who can just talk to me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayable · 08/07/2023 22:43

Unfortunately I have spoken to my husband and unfortunately his reaction is a horrible one.

I wish I'd not mentioned it at all now.

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

I don't think I'll be keeping this pregnancy because I don't think this marriage will see the end of the year but I know that I probably do want more children in the future. Clearly that isn't going to be with him.

OP posts:
GeriatricMumma · 08/07/2023 22:48

If it's not going to be with him later on, then keep the baby OP

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 08/07/2023 22:52

Ah fuck, OP. I'm sorry he's so nasty. Take a breather tonight. You've got a little bit of time to think. I've missed a lot of this thread but you need need someone to talk to IRL. Whichever way you decide is absolutely your choice ,(and "D"H can fuck right off in your thinking). But don't commit to decisions tonight when you've had such horribleness from him. I'm so so sorry.

justasking111 · 08/07/2023 22:52

@Jayable I'm sorry. But you knew that his response would probably be this. Your relationship is probably over so you need to think clearly now with or without him. Finances, family support, a roof over your head.

SlightlyJaded · 08/07/2023 22:58

So you know you definitely want another child at some point? I think that needs to be factored in.

Ok so imagine DH isn't in your life because he's a horrible twat

Now imagine you're 35 and still single (or recently single again) are you going to feel panicked and regretful that you haven't had a second child?

Now imagine you're 35 and still single (or recently single again) and kept the baby so you now have two DC who are full siblings. Is that such a bad thing?

I get that financially it will be hard for a while
I get that your DH is being a horrible and unsupportive prick
And above all, I get that it's your body and your choice.

BUT if you KNOW you want two DC at some point, I'd think very long and hard about it not being this baby before you make a decision.

Greenfinc · 08/07/2023 23:11

DO NOT TERMINATE A PREGNANCY BECAUSE A MAN WANTS YOU TO.

If the marriage is on its way out then its on its way out regardless of whether you keep the baby.

If you terminate because of pressure / guilt tripping / sulking from him, knowing you want another baby, you will likely regret it.

Only ever have a termination if its what YOU want.

YOU definitely want another baby in the future ? Then congratulations is in order OP, fuck him.

gemstoneju · 08/07/2023 23:18

It's not that straightforward when a man has to support a child he never wanted. The whole situation could turn very rancorous, even after a separation. Not healthy for the existing child. OP is only 5 weeks pregnant, she has a few weeks to think about it at least.

ZebraDilemma · 08/07/2023 23:20

gemstoneju · 08/07/2023 23:18

It's not that straightforward when a man has to support a child he never wanted. The whole situation could turn very rancorous, even after a separation. Not healthy for the existing child. OP is only 5 weeks pregnant, she has a few weeks to think about it at least.

If he was that bloody determined he could have got the snip.

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 06:34

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

Tell him he's now 'given you' another one, the prick.

Scalottia · 09/07/2023 07:38

Yeah great advice, encouraging OP to have a baby that she can't afford, all while dumping her husband and being a single parent with a young child already. How the heck is that helpful? I do agree though about getting rid of the husband, he sounds unpleasant.

gemstoneju · 09/07/2023 08:18

ZebraDilemma · 08/07/2023 23:20

If he was that bloody determined he could have got the snip.

Show quote history

He should, but no point arguing that now.

Legally he has to support the baby whether he wants a role in their life or not, but the OP would need a decent support network to raise 2 kids alone, and she doesn't make it clear if she has that. The fact that she says she has no-one to talk to about it right now is concerning. I would doubt that this man, as he is being depicted, would happily and willingly provide care for his two children whether as an estranged father or not. It's an awful situation for her. What if the new baby had disabilities/SN, or even if not, the day to day practicalities of needing support or just a break occasionally. Single parenthood is bloody hard.

Palewildflower · 09/07/2023 08:19

Sorry your husbands reaction was so bad. But now you need to be selfish and think about what you want. If you want the baby, awesome. Put your name down now for a council house and you could get one by the time the baby is born. Look into what benefits you’ll get as a single mum of two. If you live near family they could help with childcare. If not move nearer to them, put your name down for a council house there. You could get a work from home job and on the days you struggle with childcare, you’re home anyway. I know it’ll be hard, but it could be doable. You might be able to swing it by yourself and you’ll be so proud of yourself for going it alone and you’ll have your kids and be happy.
Although also if you want to terminate, no judgement. But get the surgery option, a lot quicker and not as messy. The pill option could be quite sore as well.
It’s all up to you big guy, but I wish you all the best!

Runningonjammiedodgers · 09/07/2023 08:37

I am a single parent of two and I wouldn't change a thing. It sounds very much like you are going to be a single mum anyway so agree with pp. If you know you want another child then have this baby.

GeriatricMumma · 09/07/2023 08:41

Scalottia · 09/07/2023 07:38

Yeah great advice, encouraging OP to have a baby that she can't afford, all while dumping her husband and being a single parent with a young child already. How the heck is that helpful? I do agree though about getting rid of the husband, he sounds unpleasant.

As opposed to aborting a baby SHE wants and the damage that will cause her later on??

Single people with kids cope.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 09/07/2023 09:06

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

Um, he hasn't given you anything. That child is half is responsibility. His response is very telling about not only the child, but about what his commitment to you and your marriage is. I'd say almost nothing.

Please get legal advice and start looking into what you're entitled to. Decide for yourself if you want to leave him with just the one child or one and another on the way, but it's your decision now. Not his. And if you do want more than one child in life, the reality is, this might be your only chance to do so. So you need to think about what you want.

Good luck to you. You deserve better than someone who views a child as 'giving his wife one' and absolving himself of any real responsibility or obligation as to being in a partnership.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/07/2023 10:00

Jayable · 08/07/2023 22:43

Unfortunately I have spoken to my husband and unfortunately his reaction is a horrible one.

I wish I'd not mentioned it at all now.

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

I don't think I'll be keeping this pregnancy because I don't think this marriage will see the end of the year but I know that I probably do want more children in the future. Clearly that isn't going to be with him.

Im sorry his reaction was so horrible 💐
Now though, you know. You know this marriage has run its course.
What you do need to think about it is whether or not you want this baby.
If you terminate, it has to be because it's what you want.
Not because of him or what he wants. It has to be your choice or the resentment will eat you up inside.
Is there somewhere you can go for a bit? A friend or family member maybe? Just to get some headspace and think all of this through.
As always, we are all here to keep talking to us, even if its just to get all your thoughts out and we will be here to listen.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/07/2023 10:01

Jayable · 08/07/2023 22:43

Unfortunately I have spoken to my husband and unfortunately his reaction is a horrible one.

I wish I'd not mentioned it at all now.

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

I don't think I'll be keeping this pregnancy because I don't think this marriage will see the end of the year but I know that I probably do want more children in the future. Clearly that isn't going to be with him.

If you want more children in future keep this one and divorce him. He will still have to pay for it whether he wants it or not, if he didn't want more kids he had several options to prevent this he chose not to use. That's where his right to choose ends I'm afraid.

Benefits of keeping this baby: it already exists so you don't need to worry about finding another man to get you pregnant and worrying about missing your chance (quite possibly ending in making another unsuitable choice out of desperation; it will be your child's full sibling, and there won't be any difference between them in terms of time with you/time with their father - half siblings and step families is a complication you don't need and your children don't need; you can protect your exiting child by not introducing an unrelated adult male into their home (massive risk factor for all types of abuse and child murder); you won't have a potentially large age gap between your children.

Of course if you don't want this baby have an abortion; but it sounds like you do and you are planning on separating anyway. So I can't see any upside to aborting a wanted child with a plan to have another baby with someone else down the line, as that is both no guaranteed and even if you do comes fraught with complications god you and most especially your elder child.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/07/2023 10:02

*for you

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 10:03

OP I don't necessarily think continuing with this pregnancy is in the best interests of the child that will be born from it.

They'll potentially always have a resentful father who is clear in that he didn't want them.

Scalottia · 09/07/2023 10:10

GeriatricMumma · 09/07/2023 08:41

As opposed to aborting a baby SHE wants and the damage that will cause her later on??

Single people with kids cope.

Show quote history

Yes they do.

But has anyone thought about the effect on her current child and future one? No, thought not. Surely you would avoid making life harder for your beloved children if you had the chance.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/07/2023 10:13

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 10:03

OP I don't necessarily think continuing with this pregnancy is in the best interests of the child that will be born from it.

They'll potentially always have a resentful father who is clear in that he didn't want them.

Damn sight better for her existing child though than her potentially bringing an unrelated male into her home and having a second child by him. I've been that half sibling who doesn't really 'belong' to the family unit and it SUCKS. So if she's going to have another child regardless, better it's this one, for the safety of her eldest and the quality of the relationship between the children.

GeriatricMumma · 09/07/2023 10:13

@Scalottia
Why would life be harder? She can simply
NC the (soon to be ex) and get on with her life.

Plenty of kids have parents who didn't
want them.

Some parents even realise soon after that they do want the child.

Mum wants the baby - fuck what the dad has to say about it.

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 10:16

@herewegoroundthebastardbush the OP and her H are likely going to separate anyway. The obvious answer here is to not have any further children, with our without him, until she's in a happy and committed relationship.

monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 10:19

GeriatricMumma · 09/07/2023 10:13

@Scalottia
Why would life be harder? She can simply
NC the (soon to be ex) and get on with her life.

Plenty of kids have parents who didn't
want them.

Some parents even realise soon after that they do want the child.

Mum wants the baby - fuck what the dad has to say about it.

How can she 'simply' go no contact with the father of her existing child?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/07/2023 10:20

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 10:16

@herewegoroundthebastardbush the OP and her H are likely going to separate anyway. The obvious answer here is to not have any further children, with our without him, until she's in a happy and committed relationship.

Even in a happy committed relationship that's still shit for her eldest. Watching her sibling have a whole family while hers is broken.