I think I might be pregnant. Fuck.

[Jayable]

And I'm panicking. I haven't taken a test yet because honestly I don't know what the fuck to do if I am and I'm freaking out a little.

Me and DH are going through a bit of a rough patch at the minute. I know, because he's told me...multiple times... that he definitely does not want anymore DC (we already have one son).

Admittedly I've been a bit lax with contraception since our son was born (2 years ago) because frankly I hate hormonal contraception, it messes with my body, bleeding constantly, migraines, mood swings etc. So instead we have done a mix of using condoms or just tracking my cycles and using nothing if its supposed to be a "safe" time. Stupidly I didn't think it was a massive issue because to be honest we barely have sex these days.

Anyway now I'm sat here with really painful boobs, over a week late and having had a tiny bit of brown spotting 4 days ago and nothing else.

Our house is too small, we don't have the money, my husband doesn't want another child and I'm not even sure if we'll be together much longer but I still find the idea of getting rid of a hypothetical pregnancy difficult because I'm really honest with myself I do want another child at some point and have only reluctantly accepted not doing so because of DH.

I'm so scared to find out for sure. I don't even know why I've posted in aibu but is anyone around who's been through this or who can just talk to me!!

@herewegoroundthebastardbush the family is going to be broken regardless of whether there's another child involved. That doesn't mean they can't co-parent amicably and create two happy homes.

@monsteramunch why does she need to retain contact with him other than for child one?
And let's face it. Doesn't sound like he'd even keep that up.

Much easier to do that if one child's experience (split between two homes) isn't radically different to the others (both parents in same home). As you say it's not the having a broken home as such which is damaging (although family breakdown is a recognised ACE and shouldn't be underestimated in terms of it's impact on the children involved) but feeling lesser than and conflicted compared to a sibling who has a single loving family home is pretty unarguably shite and bound to be psychologically damaging.

She doesn't need to outside of child related stuff, no. But you said no contact which generally means no contact at all so I was puzzled as to how you thought that would work. I see now you mean no contact other than child related stuff.

@monsteramunch apologies, I have read back my comment and it was clear as mud!

@herewegoroundthebastardbush ah yes I suppose you're right, actually. That makes perfect sense

Sounds to me like you could keep the baby and sack off the knob husband. "Given you a baby" what a prick.

So sorry OP.
Don’t rush your decision, make sure that you do whatever you want, not what your arse of a DH wants.

Sorry it didn't go well OP.

Do bear in mind that you got his first reaction, he hasn't had time to process it. It may not change but you saw something in this man that made you want to be with him, to have a child with him so I'm assuming he has some redeemable qualities.

You do have time but it's worth getting some appts booked because you don't want to be timed into or out of any decisions due to places being fully booked.

And potentially a very strong, loving, resilient mum and close sibling.

Struggling with the concept of 'best interests of the child to be born' here. Presumably you're advocating no existence at all for 'the child to be born from this pregnancy', your phrase, rather than one with a potentially uncommitted father 🤷‍♀️

The op may well feel it's in her best interests to terminate this pregnancy, that's her choice to make and live with the consequences whatever they are but best interests of the child not to be born at all is confusing me

He thinks I should be content with what I have and the fact he's "given me a child" already and me wanting more is expecting too much commitment from him.

"Too much commitment"? What does he think that marriage even means?

Others have explained that you should ditch him and keep the baby so that your DCs are full siblings and you don't have one child who is shuttling between parents whilst the other stays in one place. My parents splitting wasn't a huge deal for me and my sister. My mum bringing a live-in boyfriend into her house was a huge deal, very stressful. Luckily she didn't have kids with him. I would have run away from home if she had.

Can you move out now, for your safety? Abusive men often turn violent for the first time when faced with a pregnancy that he doesn't want. One of my relatives was thrown down the stairs by her husband, she miscarried as a result.

It's considering the best interests of the child, were it to be born, versus it not being born at all.

There's the OP and her child already born to consider as well.

Yes, I realise that. But if it were not to be born at all it wouldn't have any interests, best or otherwise, so I find it a confusing concept within this dilemma for op.

It may or may not be in Op's and her existing child's 'best interests' for this child yet to be born not to be born at all, but I cannot see how it can be in the unborn child's best interests not to be born at all, as explained above.

But if it were not to be born at all it wouldn't have any interests, best or otherwise

That's kind of the point.

I cannot see how it can be in the unborn child's best interests not to be born at all

It's the notion of "fate worse than death", the idea that if a mother cannot provide a high enough standard of living for her baby then she should not have it at all.

In practice, the interests of the not(-yet)-born are inextricably enmeshed with the interests of the mother and any existing children.

But will have all the love it needs from it's mother. New baby will be just fine.

Don't make any rushed decisions. Take your time and follow your instincts. It is very difficult decision, whatever decision you make the consequences will be with you forever - it would be worth seeking some counselling for you to come to terms with decision you make.
Good luck 🤞

Not necessarily. Have you experienced having a child where the father wants nothing to do with them? I have and it's absolutely heartbreaking to watch your child go through that. I would never knowingly do it again. Of course the child might be fine, I'm NC with my own father and I'm fine with it, but I wouldn't take the risk.

Keep the baby dump the man.

How are you OP?

Yes, have experience of this and child is absolutely fine and is absolutely adored by the family who actually do want him.

Yes, several experiences of this in fact. I am that child, now adult, fine and very much loved. I have taught many such children who thrive on the nurturing of all around them, especially their mother.
I have 2 nephews, and 1 niece, all thriving as children of single mums whose dads wanted out and nc.

Better for your child a full sibling than mum’s new relationship then new younger half sibling.

Hope you are doing okay as can be OP 💐

And a father who spends their life resenting them?

My half sister is my best friend - and we didn't even grow up in the same household

Hoping OP doesn't come back to the thread and gets real life support
Some of the replies on here are beyond stupid