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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I think I might be pregnant. Fuck.

275 replies

Jayable · 07/07/2023 19:24

And I'm panicking. I haven't taken a test yet because honestly I don't know what the fuck to do if I am and I'm freaking out a little.

Me and DH are going through a bit of a rough patch at the minute. I know, because he's told me...multiple times... that he definitely does not want anymore DC (we already have one son).

Admittedly I've been a bit lax with contraception since our son was born (2 years ago) because frankly I hate hormonal contraception, it messes with my body, bleeding constantly, migraines, mood swings etc. So instead we have done a mix of using condoms or just tracking my cycles and using nothing if its supposed to be a "safe" time. Stupidly I didn't think it was a massive issue because to be honest we barely have sex these days.

Anyway now I'm sat here with really painful boobs, over a week late and having had a tiny bit of brown spotting 4 days ago and nothing else.

Our house is too small, we don't have the money, my husband doesn't want another child and I'm not even sure if we'll be together much longer but I still find the idea of getting rid of a hypothetical pregnancy difficult because I'm really honest with myself I do want another child at some point and have only reluctantly accepted not doing so because of DH.

I'm so scared to find out for sure. I don't even know why I've posted in aibu but is anyone around who's been through this or who can just talk to me!!

OP posts:
Userfriendlyxox · 08/07/2023 12:37

@User0224 pregnancy was a mistake

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 08/07/2023 12:40

What if he told you, today, he wanted out (before any sharing of pregnancy news).

Gut reaction: relieved at the thought? Upset? Immediately focused on making sure you and your child would be ok?

If your gut reaction is 'relief' overall, then I would sit down with internet access outside of the house somewhere and look up what you'd be entitled to with 1 child if you left him, with 2 children if you left him, etc. While working, while not working, with childcare and housing help, etc. and go from there.

It is ultimately your decision. I wouldn't tell him about the pregnancy until you know what you want to do about it. And if you want to end the marriage and not have the baby, perhaps not even tell him.

Original poster
Jayable · 08/07/2023 12:41

Userfriendlyxox · 08/07/2023 12:36

But it's not a problem when people insult other like referring them as "losers" pregnancy and "twats"..Goodbye enjoy your pregnancy

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Love that you came onto a thread you didn't need to, just to post a shitty message and are now upset that people have responded to said shitty message. Don't give it out if you can't take it. You didn't need to open and reply if you had nothing supportive to say and think I'm making the whole thing up.

Just go away and get on with your life.

OP posts:
Killingmytime · 08/07/2023 12:41

Blackbyrd · 08/07/2023 12:31

Don't project any guilt you feel over your abortion onto anyone else in order to possibly influence their decision.And your advice to not worry about anything is also misplaced, people's circumstances absolutely do have to be taken into consideration when making important decisions

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Omg this was a nice post from the poster.
she’s not putting any guilt on the op Hmm
what an unkind comment

Original poster
Jayable · 08/07/2023 12:42

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 08/07/2023 12:36

Ok so reality and practicalities of the situation.

  • Marriage may not last much longer
  • You currently have a 2yo.
  • Assuming about 5 weeks pregnant you have 8 months till the birth if you decide to progress with the pregnancy.
  • So your 2yo would be eligible for or close to eligible for 30 hrs funded nursery term time.

Do you currently work?
Do your believe your DH would be reasonable with Child maintenance payments?
Do you want to or would you be willing to be a single parent to 2 children?
Do you currently own your house? Is there any equity in it if you do?

You need to do a bit of an assessment on what being a single parent would look like for you, where would you live, what does entitledto.com say about UC/childcare/housing element and would you be able to cover costs with that, could you return to work or would you need to be a SAHM......

All of that will feed any decisions you make about continuing the pregnancy and ultimately about continuing the marriage because if you do decide you want to have this baby then that may be the end of your marriage whether you like it or not.

Thank you. A lot to think about Sad

OP posts:
Killingmytime · 08/07/2023 12:43

User0224 · 08/07/2023 12:30

You don’t think it’s problematic to call a woman who’s just found she’s pregnant, and is looking for advice on a women’s forum for mums, “attention seeking”?

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still no
excuse to call people losers and twats 🙄
people may not agree but that’s just childish.

User0224 · 08/07/2023 12:44

Killingmytime · 08/07/2023 12:43

still no
excuse to call people losers and twats 🙄
people may not agree but that’s just childish.

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I’ve done nothing of the sort? No idea where the comment about calling people losers etc came from!

Killingmytime · 08/07/2023 12:45

I think its a bit late for regrets now op.
you’re the only one with a say in this. You need to think of just you and your existing child and decide, no-one else.

Userfriendlyxox · 08/07/2023 12:47

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musicforthesoul · 08/07/2023 12:49

Take your time and consider what you want to do before having the discussion with your DH. There's no point continuing/not continuing based solely on what he wants as if you disagree the resentment would tear you apart anyway.

Only you know whether you want another child and if you do whether finances would make another child difficult but doable or mean significant compromises on quality of life, and only you will know if making those sacrifices is worth it. It might take a bit of time until the shock wears off for you to be able to sort through your emotions clearly.

Sounds like your having relationship issues anyway so I think I'd be planning on what my way forward alone would be either way and working off that. If you sort things out with your partner then great but at least if you know you have a plan alone you won't be making any decisions based on feeling trapped/panicked.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/07/2023 12:59

I would also add that your DH has clearly not been careful with contraception, and if he didn’t want a second baby then he could have used a condom ! He can’t reasonably expect you to have to use abortion as a form of contraception, when hormonal methods don’t work for you. He could have used condoms or had the snip, he chose to have unprotected sex knowing the risks and that you want another baby. This is on him ! If he says he will end your relationship unless you terminate then he is a total shit frankly.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/07/2023 13:00

@Killingmytime @User0224

I think there's some confusion over who said what due to similar user names and quotations.

Userfriendlyxox · 08/07/2023 13:12

SirVixofVixHall · 08/07/2023 12:59

I would also add that your DH has clearly not been careful with contraception, and if he didn’t want a second baby then he could have used a condom ! He can’t reasonably expect you to have to use abortion as a form of contraception, when hormonal methods don’t work for you. He could have used condoms or had the snip, he chose to have unprotected sex knowing the risks and that you want another baby. This is on him ! If he says he will end your relationship unless you terminate then he is a total shit frankly.

It's not just her DH fault the OP should of took contraception also to prevent her from being pregnant.

Jayable · 08/07/2023 13:27

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NeedleFeltedFox · 08/07/2023 13:43

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pumpkintits · 08/07/2023 13:44

Really feel for you OP, it's a lot to take in.

It's still early days, you have time and choices to really think through what it is you want before you need to speak to your husband. I'm not very good at giving practical advise (thankfully people wiser than I am have already given it) but I just wanted to offer some support, it must be scary and lonely not having anyone in real life you feel you can really open up to!

Scalottia · 08/07/2023 13:54

Jayable · 08/07/2023 12:25

No but it is my thread and I'm just confused why someone who hates threads like these so much and thinks they are attention seeking blah blah would feel the need to comment at all.

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To be clear - I don't hate threads like this. What I do hate is that seemingly adult humans still can't seem to manage contraception correctly, or to even bother using it in the first place, and are then upset and shocked that they become pregnant.

I truly hope that you can make the best decision for you OP and that everything works out but honestly...you can't deny that this was an avoidable mistake.

Yes it's your thread OP - on a public forum. You're going to get all kinds of responses, not all of them in your favour.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 08/07/2023 14:31

Well done getting up the nerve and taking the test. I'm sorry its such a difficult situation.
I really do think you need to talk to your husband. These things have a habit of getting bigger and bigger and becoming more of an issue rolling around in our own head. At least if you speak to him you will know where is and what the future will mean for you if you decide to keep the baby.
You have some people posting mean comments but just ignore them. Some people get a kick of out of being vile.
Keep talking. We are here to listen.

justtype · 08/07/2023 14:52

Ignore those on their high horse. Their thoughts are reflective of their situation, and not yours. It's a waste of energy, and going over mistakes doesn't change your current situation.

So, I fully agree with @FatAgainItsLettuceTime
Lots of practical things to think about. Also, emotionally.
Some people do terminate and are ok with their decision, others find it harder to cope. It's good to know where your limits are. Can you discuss it with your GP? What about the state of your marriage, how do you see things moving forward?

It's time to be 100% honest with yourself, what you want over the next five years. Do you want another child or are you happy with one?

It's a huge decision, either way, but you need to prioritize yourself because whatever the outcome, you are the one who has to deal with the 'consequences' of the decision, whilst continuing to parent your DC.

Sending you massive unmumsnetty hugs. Flowers

SirVixofVixHall · 08/07/2023 15:01

Userfriendlyxox · 08/07/2023 13:12

It's not just her DH fault the OP should of took contraception also to prevent her from being pregnant.

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She can’t take it, she said that in her post. It doesn’t agree with her, and she wanted another baby so was ok with the level of risk. Her DH is the one who is insistent on not wanting another baby. You don’t want a baby, you put a condom on.

Suboptimumumma · 08/07/2023 15:08

ItsConfusingHere · 08/07/2023 06:29

Grow up and take responsibility!

There’s really no need for this sort of comment when someone is in a difficult situation. Have a heart fhs!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2023 15:09

Jayable · 08/07/2023 12:42

Thank you. A lot to think about Sad

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I think @FatAgainItsLettuceTime 's post is basically 'it' as far as what you need to consider to make a good and rational decision.

And you do have some time to think, thank God! I know it's hard, but try to keep this news from your DH until you've thought things through.

Is there anywhere you and DD can go for a couple of days? A friend or relative? You don't have to tell them what's going on (unless you trust them implicitly to listen without judgement AND keep your confidence), but it may help you to just get away without DH around.

Also your first reaction of "FUCKKKKKKKK" doesn't really mean anything in terms of indicating what you should do. First reactions are more often NOT an indicator of our rational feelings because they are pure emotion. Our rational feelings, and the right decision, come after deliberate thought. And this is a decision you must make rationally and not emotionally because this is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life.

DorisD · 08/07/2023 18:59

OP have you considered going to couples counselling?

You're only 30, have a 2 year old and unless your marriage is awful, is it not worth saving it?

What's not working between you both?

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 08/07/2023 19:25

I'm sorry there's a few nasty people on your post OP, please ignore them. I didn't want to not comment but I just wanted to say I hope you've managed to talk to your husband and that his reaction isn't a horrible one. It's hard being a single parent (I'm 31 with a 9yo DD) but I'm glad I'm not with her father anymore as the relationship was so unhappy.