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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

160 replies

teeden26 · 15/08/2022 17:12

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
teeden26 · 21/08/2022 16:15

@stayinghometoday hi yes I'm in the uk here the procedure is different and you don't have to deliver the baby by going through labour or anything. I'm sorry you had to go through that I can't imagine how hard it was. I hope you find healing 💕

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Original poster
teeden26 · 21/08/2022 16:18

@Skittlesthough yes very true a baby at 6w is so different to 23w gestation that's why it's such a difficult decision. I understand if I go ahead my mental health may or probably will decline after the initial feeling of relief. The procedure is not nice in any sense even though I don't have to give birth. It's very tough to know how I'd feel but I'm definitely taking that sense of things into consideration

OP posts:
Skittlesthough · 21/08/2022 17:02

teeden26 · 21/08/2022 16:18

@Skittlesthough yes very true a baby at 6w is so different to 23w gestation that's why it's such a difficult decision. I understand if I go ahead my mental health may or probably will decline after the initial feeling of relief. The procedure is not nice in any sense even though I don't have to give birth. It's very tough to know how I'd feel but I'm definitely taking that sense of things into consideration

Op i never mentioned the abortion procedure, I haven't got a clue what the procedure will be like at 23 weeks and I wouldn't speculate on something I don't know. I would only sugest that you make peace with your decision before you follow through, understand your baby's development and where they are at now in terms of that development. I could only imagine since you want to start a family at a later stage when your ready that you will follow those wee apps to track gestational development, it would be better to learn now and not when it's too late, it could have harmful effects later including negatively effecting your mh in future pregnancies. An informed decision now will prevent harmful surprises later. Most stories about abortion regret usually involve women who weren't fully informed beforehand, only finding out later during planned pregnancies how developed the feotus they aborted was and they ended up wrecked with guilt.

stayinghometoday · 21/08/2022 18:11

OP, can I just add one thing for the future? It reads as if this was a happy event for you in the beginning but with the possibility of miscarriage and the boyfriend troubles your mental health took a really bad dive. You are now in a position where you still have a choice. Before you plan a future pregnancy, you might want to add your mental health as a possible single mother into the decision making process. There are a lot of reasons why someone can become a single mum. Even when the dad is a good guy. I think that you shouldn't plan a pregnancy unless you feel that you can carry it through on your own (with therapy if you need it) if necessary. You don't want to end up without a partner (due to problems or a car crash or whatever) and being too far along for an abortion and being without adequate mental health care.

Charlotte123456789 · 21/08/2022 18:19

Hi @teeden26 , I read that you don’t have many friends you can talk to about your situation and your family are rather set on you keeping the baby. I haven’t been in your position before but I have had a termination so if it would help, please reach out privately and we can catch up.

Misunderstoodagain · 21/08/2022 21:14

@stayinghometoday that sort of abortion is different. Giving birth like that is normally for those with very much wanted pregnancies that otherwise couldnt go ahead. I've not heard of that type of abortion for those foetuses that were unwanted, well not in the UK.
I'm sorry for what you went through, it must have been very traumatic.

Notallislost · 21/08/2022 21:27

I have been following this thread and just wanted to add something to my previous post.
As you know I understand to some degree what your going through but I was 100% certain on my decision. I never wavered, I had no doubts that I was making the right decision.
You seem so uncertain and back and forth on what is the right decsion for you. no matter what the reasons for this uncertainty is you need to see this as a sign of sorts.
If you have this abortion and it's the wrong decision it will haunt you for the rest of your life in some way. However if you keep this baby then yes it will be hard but you will have the love for your child that will see you through all the hard times even if you really struggle in the beginning.
If right up until the time you are still having doubts then it's OK to change your mind. Only if you 100% certain should you do this.
Again sending you all the best well wishes OP

whumpthereitis · 21/08/2022 21:41

People can and do regret having their children. It’s stigmatised and not openly talked about, but it certainly happens and can create significant damage, not just to the parent but to the child as well.

OP: regret either way is not inevitable, however. If you choose to go ahead with the abortion you may very well feel relief, and remain relieved. It is not inevitable that you will be traumatised either. It may be the right choice for you, no matter what anyone else may think.

You know yourself best, and this is a decision no one else can make for you. You have to make it for yourself, and do what you feel is best for you.

Lostinlifenow · 22/08/2022 09:09

Hi @teeden26 didnt want to read and run. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sounds to me like you need urgent professional mental health support.
Please be honest with them to how bad you're feeling. As you were happy at the Beginning of your pregnancy it sounds like you are suffering with perinatal depression and are really unwell.
There is a specialist team and I would think they would be looking at starting medication if you're not already on it.
Having struggled myself with depression through pregnancy i can empathise how awful it is...especially when people jus don't understand why you're not happy and excited. I know this isn't the same for everyone but when my baby was born it was as if a black cloud finally lifted.
Please don't make any life changing decisions while you're in this state of mind. I hope you get the help you need and start to feel better soon. Look after yourself. Sending love 💕

Original poster
teeden26 · 22/08/2022 21:19

@Lostinlifenow thankyou for sharing your experience i have an appointment with then perinatal mental health team tomorrow hopefully I can talk about how I'm feeling and go from there so I can help myself out 💕

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Worldwearymum · 22/08/2022 21:51

Good advice from @Lostinlifenow .

Looking back, I’m sure I suffered from severe ante-natal anxiety. I came so close to aborting on more than one occasion, up to 19 weeks. Everything changed after the baby was born. That said, it’s been so hard at times that it’s strengthened my pro-choice stance. But my partner died when our baby (that I very nearly aborted) was only one. Life is full of twists and turns. But at the time it was professional help - and the loving care from my partner - that helped me see clear. Thinking of you, and sending hugs. ❤️‍🩹

Lostinlifenow · 22/08/2022 22:27

@teeden26 glad you have an appointment tomorrow..seeking help can sometimes be the hardest part when feeling so low. Well done for taking that first step and hope you come out from the appointment feeling a little more positive knowing there is support. Xx

Worldwearymum · 23/08/2022 16:14

Just back to say I’m still thinking of you and wishing you all the best right now. Sending a handhold. 💐

Original poster
teeden26 · 23/08/2022 21:42

Worldwearymum · 23/08/2022 16:14

Just back to say I’m still thinking of you and wishing you all the best right now. Sending a handhold. 💐

Thankyou so much 💕

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TickyBooo · 23/08/2022 22:38

Hi @teeden26 how are you doing?

Original poster
teeden26 · 23/08/2022 23:44

TickyBooo · 23/08/2022 22:38

Hi @teeden26 how are you doing?

Hi I'm okay, doing a lot of thinking I feel like I'm sort of dammed if I do dammed if I don't in this situation. I feel sorry for my family I feel sorry for this baby I wish things could be different. I'm starting to feel ill because of how worked up I am over everything it's hard not knowing when things will get better or not knowing what is the "right" choice

OP posts:
ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 24/08/2022 19:18

Hi @teeden26 I haven't commented but I've been watching this thread.
How are you? And how did you appointment go yesterday? Xx

Original poster
teeden26 · 25/08/2022 16:58

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 24/08/2022 19:18

Hi @teeden26 I haven't commented but I've been watching this thread.
How are you? And how did you appointment go yesterday? Xx

Hey things are going okay, my appointment went well I told the perinatal mental health nurse exactly how I've been feeling and it was nice just to offload to someone who doesn't know me personally so I felt less judgment for how I've been feeling so that was helpful xx

OP posts:
Worldwearymum · 26/08/2022 00:12

That sounds like a positive step.
Hang on in there, the way ahead will unfold x

Melissa1983 · 31/08/2022 19:27

@teeden26 I've not commented before but I have been reading this post. I hope you are feeling better having spoken to someone else about it. How are you at the moment? Xx

Original poster
teeden26 · 31/08/2022 19:44

@Melissa1983 hi I'm feeling abit better now as of yesterday, I made my final decision and I felt it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders as I wasn't tormenting myself going back and forth. I decided if I'm not 100%about the abortion I won't get it so I've decided to go ahead with my pregnancy and it's brought me a lot of peace. I'm still going to go to see the therapist and continue taking my medication so I can be in the best state when baby comes💕

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Worldwearymum · 31/08/2022 20:37

I’m glad you have come to a place of peace and decision @teeden26 💐

Now, try to honour yourself as the mum-to-be you are, enjoy the changing seasons of pregnancy if you can, and start surrounding yourself and the baby with all the practical and emotional support you can. Lots of people on here are wishing you well, and will have advice at différent junctures.

Very best wishes for the weeks and months ahead. 💐🌱x

YukoandHiro · 31/08/2022 20:40

OP I've only just seen this post but I'm glad you've found a resolution and made your decision.
This man does not sound like a good man. Please make sure you don't name him on the birth certificate. If he won't take responsibility now by being honest with people in his life, then you don't want to give him any power of responsibility when the baby is here.

Original poster
teeden26 · 31/08/2022 21:21

Worldwearymum · 31/08/2022 20:37

I’m glad you have come to a place of peace and decision @teeden26 💐

Now, try to honour yourself as the mum-to-be you are, enjoy the changing seasons of pregnancy if you can, and start surrounding yourself and the baby with all the practical and emotional support you can. Lots of people on here are wishing you well, and will have advice at différent junctures.

Very best wishes for the weeks and months ahead. 💐🌱x

Thankyou so much ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
teeden26 · 31/08/2022 21:24

YukoandHiro · 31/08/2022 20:40

OP I've only just seen this post but I'm glad you've found a resolution and made your decision.
This man does not sound like a good man. Please make sure you don't name him on the birth certificate. If he won't take responsibility now by being honest with people in his life, then you don't want to give him any power of responsibility when the baby is here.

Thankyou, I will definitely be keeping him off the birth certificate. As he's kept my child a secret the whole pregnancy and has prectically been living a double life from what I heart of his other pregnant lady yesterday. He still seems to think it's okay and won't take accountability so I defo will provide my son with all he needs and I'm glad I have a good family behind me 🥰

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