I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

[teeden26]

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

I booked an appointment with boss today and should be receiving treatment to terminate pregnancy but my mum has pressured me into keeping the baby. Says that I'm killing an innocent life and he deserves a chance. I've expressed how depressed I feel and like I don't want to be here anymore but no one understands me. I wish lived alone but unfortunately I still live with family so if I did go ahead I wouldn't have a home to come back to. Thanks to everyone for their kind replies but I will have to carry on this pregnancy

Meant to say with bpas not boss

I’m sorry you feel this way @teeden26

being completely frank, those saying ‘take all the time you need’, likely do not understand abortion law or the practicalities of it. Taking the moral question aside, from a purely logistical point of view, you need to make a decision, sharpish. At that gestation only specialist centres will actually perform the procedure and you will need to ensure you’ve had a counselling session with them beforehand etc. you don’t have as long as you want here. Sorry to be blunt but if it’s a serious option you want to explore then you need to be seen asap.

@teeden26 that is so sad to read that your mum is pressuring you. It is your life and your decision. Please do not let someone make that decision for you because I can guarantee they will not be the one who has the consequences of raising and funding this child.

If you want the termination then it is your decision. You can present as homeless if your family kicks you out. It will be tough but maybe time to stand up for you, and things will get better. Sending best wishes x

Op do not allow your family to pressure you to keep the pregnancy if you don't want to.

It's your body, your baby and your choice. This is 100% your decision and if your family made you leave the home because you're not ready to have a baby then you do not need them in your life.

Do what is right for you.

In your case I would have an abortion. The father of this child is going to be useless and I can see him not wanting to see this child or support you financially.
Your mother wants you to bring a child in to a bad situation. She is ignoring what your are telling her and she is ignoring the fact that your mental health is not good either.
She worried about what people will think or say once they know you have an abortion. The reality is that your not in a position to gave a baby the life they deserve at the moment due to your age, lack of money, poor mental health and a feckless father.

The people who comment on you having an abortion don't know the whole story and it not like they are going to mind the child or help you out financially either.

I can't believe that your mother is bullying you to keep a child in your current circumstances. If she wants a baby so much tell her that she makes you keep this baby you will fuck off and she will be left to bring up this baby.
If you have this baby I would consider giving up this baby for adoption. I know that this won't be easy but you need to improve your mental health, get training towards getting a decent job and build up your own life before having a child.

I would not being a child into a situation like this because long term it not fair on you or this child.

I'm sorry your mum feels it is right to pressure you one way or the other.

unless she is willing to assume full care and all costs for the child until adulthood, she is completely in the wrong.
Keep talking to bpas, let them help you make the right decision for YOU. xx

Hi, the father all round he is a good person I think he would be hands on either the child and my mother has said she will bring him up if I don't feel like doing so. But I just feel like im being made to keep a child so other people can have a nice new baby to play with in the family without regarding how im currently feeling.

I haven't been held at home against my will but my mum has said im ending an innocent child's life and im certain it would ruin our relationship and my relationship with other family members if I did so. My mum up until this point was my best friend and has always supported me. But now I feel like I don't want her in my life and I don't want to speak to her.

Im so shocked I told her I've had thoughts of not wanting to be here and her response was that she and my family wouldn't be able to cope if I wasn't here but I feel like that's the only way I can stop feeling bad about this situation. I feel like an unborn child's needs have been chosen over mine. I never intended to get this far in pregnancy as I spoke to family about abortion 6 weeks ago but hid my true emotions and thought somehow if I told the truth about how I feel their minds would change but they didn't

@teeden26 have you spoke with BPAS and perhaps their counselling service about this? Thinking of you

I apologize for potentially being insensitive but I am genuinely very surprised that people seem to think abortion at 21+2 is a feasible option. I’m not familiar with UK abortion laws but is it even allowed if it’s not tfmr? She would practically have to give birth to a baby, who looks like a real baby and is only few weeks away from being viable with medical help if born prematurely. I find it a bit hard to read how easily people seem to think this is an ok option to be honest. I am not at against abortion but to me abortion at 6 weeks and at 22 weeks are totally different things.

In the UK, terminations are legal until 23 weeks and 6 days. Carried out generally under GA. It's been reviewed several times but has been remained unchanged. But they are quite rare, often when the woman has been placed under undue pressure or is very very young or was unaware of the pregnancy.

Yes, I feel similarly. As far as I am aware, it is legal to abort up until this point for any reason. This is the OP's legal right. However abortion at this point is going to be very unpalatable for a lot of people, myself included, for all of the reasons mentioned above. It sounds like the OP is absolutely terrified and that she needs a huge amount of emotional support. The 'pregnancy choices' board should not just be an echo chamber of similar opinions, but a varied spectrum helping OP understand the nuances of this decision.

OP how do you feel about your mother having a very involved role in raising the child? Have you been able to access any counselling yet?

@Orangeblossomfield I feel uncomfortable with my mother having a very hands on role in raising the child because it always brings me back to the thought that I won't of done anything for him growing up, how my child would look at me when I have other children, feeling like I missed out in my first borns life because I was so miserable I let someone else raise him. And I also don't like the idea of that because I've stressed to her my concerns about all this and that I would much prefer to raise my own children like any other normal person once I've sorted out my mental health. I think no matter what happens weather I decide to keep baby or not my mental state won't be good for a while. I feel like I'm just owing it to my mum to give her my child because she wants to meet her grandchild. I've had one session of counselling so far but I'm not sore how much it will help

I've agreed to take sertraline but I've never liked the idea of being dosed up on medication that doesn't work. I've taken sertraline before and I felt exactly the same it didn't fix much for me... it looks like I'm going to have to keep baby now as 22w+ I would feel bad having an abortion and I missed my bpas appointment 3 days ago again due to listening to words of my family. I would rather take my child away from my mum before I give her the chance to raise it because if she didn't chose to hear me out 6 weeks ago when all of this started I refuse to hear her out about raising my child. It won't put a magic sticker on everything and make it okay 😞

@pepsi12345 thank you, I've spoken to bpas since missing my appointment 3 days ago. Unfortunately there's no available appointments now until I am 23w gestation so looks like I'm going to have to keep baby, I've seen babies live at this stage so I'd feel guilty. I just wish I didn't let my family get into my head all these weeks ago and I tried to sort out some emergency accommodation but I just didn't know what to do

Oh darling

If you do genuinely want to have this baby, there is support out there for you. If you don’t, that is okay too and you still have choices. I wouldn’t judge you if you terminated right up to 24w if it was the best choice for your own mental well-being.

But looking at your last post, you seem to be wanting to keep your baby so let’s look at what help you can get if you choose to continue with your pregnancy. Do you have a supportive midwife and is she aware that you are struggling with your mental health? You can ask for a referral to a mental health specialist midwife and they will support you very closely throughout your pregnancy and when your baby is born. Do you think you may benefit from a stay in a mother and baby unit following the birth to help you adjust to being a mum? You won’t be abandoned after your pregnancy if you need help, whatever you decide. Feel free to PM me for help if you need to

Thanks for no judgement 💕. To be honest I'm not sure I want to keep the baby for any other reason apart from being told I'd feel guilty about having an abortion so late up to 24w I am so pro choice but now I feel bad. I don't think a lot of people around me understand I wouldn't walk out of an abortion clinic smiling ear to ear afterwards but I would be happier in the sense I'd feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel so confused that people are trying to tell me how to feel and now I believe it... Im scared I would regret this for the rest of my life because of what people have said although im sure I wouldn't after reading many other womens stories similar to mine... im scared I wont love my child I keep reading forum posts about women who hate being a mum and wish they never kept their child. My mind is really all over the place I feel like I don't even make sense anymore 😢

I think a mother and baby unit would be beneficial if I am to carry on I didn't know these were a thing

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Its sounds like you have been in turmoil. Keep talking to your GP or midwife so that they can get the right support for you.

Did you have depression prior to pregnancy, and that's when you tried antidepressants before? Have you been on them for long? Please also stick with the counselling too.

Yes some women do struggle with motherhood, some don't. I've never had that sense of hating motherhood, for example. However, with my second baby I had some mental health issues when pregnant and was sure I wouldn't love her when she was born. This couldn't have been further from the truth and I adored her.

Just keep talking. I'm wishing you all the best with everything OP ❤ 💕

Yes I was on anti depressants before pregnancy due to being really depressed due the relationship I was in previously and I ended up developing an eating disorder as a way to cope with things so docs tried me with anti depressants. I was on them for around 3 months but I'll I've them another go and see how I feel. I had sertraline and switched to fluoxetine when the sertraline didn't work but by my understanding sert is what they give to pregnant women as it's safest. Thank you for your kind words I will continue to seek help and speaking to professionals 💕

I was thinking exactly the same. Way too close to the limit.

Have you looked at Marie Stopes at all… I am not sure whether you have made a decision on the pregnancy or not. It is your decision, not your mum’s, and certainly nobody on mn.

You are dealing with so much, it’s no wonder you can’t focus. You seem very uncertain, I hope there will be support for you. Your mum is putting a lot of pressure on you in very difficult circumstances.

New user? @user1477391263 It’s not for you to post what you think is “right or feasible”. Abortion up to 24 weeks is legal in the U.K.

Er, yes, I actually can say what I think is right or wrong. We are allowed to express our opinions on the internet, you see.

Op I have been in a similar situation to you at your age and I ended up a single parent. Ex partner has never bothered with child and it’s been really hard. It’s also hard explaining to my child about his dad without offering too much details. Child’s dad got with a girl that was pregnant after I left him(he was a cheat but convinced me he wasn’t)and I then brought up my child myself. No choice is wrong, you need to think of what is best for you because you will be tied to him for life even if he isn’t part of your child’s life. He can pop up at anytime

Your mum is wrong to pressure you OP. It's your decision.