I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

[teeden26]

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

Hi @secular39 , thanks for getting in touch, we have sent you an email explaining.

Do you think that your earlier scare, regarding the bleeding, maybe caused you to disconnect and distance yourself mentally from your pregnancy? It sounds like you prepared yourself for a miscarriage? A miscarriage while you were still excited would have been devastating, it sounds like you were ready to protect yourself from that kind of loss...This was also the time started 2nd guessing your baby's father's intentions to be there for you when you need him, & I'm guessing it's when your mental health started to decline, most likely excellerated by hormonal changes due to pregnancy.. perinatal depression is not uncommon and there are well trained professionals you can speak to to help you through. Depression can feel like this never ending dark tunnel, when you emerge from that tunnel you will have to live with the decisions you made while in a hopeless place, a termination might be the right thing for you but I think speaking to someone specialised with perinatal depression could help you sort and understand your feelings and prepare you with the tools you need should you feel guilty or depressed at a later time. Others here will probably disagree but imo knowing your babies gender, hearing his heartbeat, feeling his kicks etc. All of this could come back to haunt you later and leave your mental health in a worse position. There is a huge difference between 6 weeks and 5 months, abortion regret and grief is such a taboo subject nobody likes to admit it exists and so many suffer alone, to ashamed to seek help bacuse they believe it's their own fault as it was their choice.

Nobody on MN can predict how you will feel in time, you might be perfectly fine with your decision to end the pregnancy but you also might not be and its not something you cant undo once its done. I'm so sorry you have to make such a difficult decision op. If mental health wasn't a factor and you simply did not want to have a baby I'd imagine that a termination would be a straight forward answer, you might feel sad but you could be confident in your decision but because you were once excited and are now making the decision to end your pregnancy due to mental health I think you really need to seek professional help first as a safe guard for yourself.

Your mum's beliefs are her own and she is allowed to feel her feelings and come to terms with this, she is going to grieve. But she is your mum, you are her baby even at 22, you had such a lovely relationship before this and good mammys don't just suddenly change, give her space and I'm sure she'll come around and be your support whatever you choose. Mums love there kids unconditionally and your mum loves you regardless of what she said in the heat of the moment ❤

I don't particularly love the idea of having an abortion at 21 weeks pregnant and would of never considered something like this before.
But until you are in a position like mine you have no right to judge. I feel like I can't get through to the end of this pregnancy and unfortunately would like to take my own life into accountability because at the end of the day if my mental health was to decline and say I attempted suicide or something the baby AND me wouldn't be here. Sh if you don't have anything helpful apart from your judgemental opinion take it somewhere else. You won't be the one looking after my baby after I give birth you're not the one in my situation.

Thankyou for your kind words💕💕Yeah I was 18 when I entered my previous relationship. Thats exactly how I feel this baby would tie me to this man for life and I really don't want him in my life I find it so hard to communicate with him to the point I've had to block him now. I always think about the fact that my child may grow up without a father and it would be my fault because I can't bear to talk to him for my own reasons and Id be taking a big part of the child's life away. I'm scared if I do have this child I won't be able to bond with it I'd feel like I've just messed up a part of both of us. My family have told me a motherly bond will take over any bad feelings and I'll love this baby more than anyone but I just can't picture that as I don't have children already so I'm not ready just to wait and "see" if that happens then if not give over the baby to my mum and continue on with my life which is what she said I can do if I don't feel that way about the child. I think that's wrong to do. I definitely need to think about how I feel, I can't get out of bed in the morning without crying first this is awful I can't carry on living like this until December.

@liffffff hey I've sent you a message I'm not sure if it's came through as it's my first time using private messaging on here but if not I'm sure if you message me I will be able to figure how to respond

I suffered terribly during my second pregnancy, mentally and physically. My relationship didn’t survive it and I became a single mum to 2 under 2 and lost my home.

I desperately wanted an abortion during the 1st and 2nd trimester and was terrified of having a second child. My mum talked me out of it. That child is now the absolute light of my life 6 years on. The thought that I could have had a life without him shakes me to the core.

As soon as I had my baby in my arms nothing else mattered. I went back to education soon after the birth and sorted out a professional career and my own home.

Absolutely no judgement here if you decide to terminate- only you know your situation . I just wanted to let you know my story as there are similarities between us. Forget what your ex is doing and focus on your life. Only you can make this choice.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide! X

Op, someone having a different opinion to your or not agreeing with your choice is not judging. You posted on a public forum and sadly people will have different views- it doesn't mean you have to listen to them. I have made many decisions in my life where close family/friends and people on here have made opinions or have disagreed with my choices. I respected their opinions but at the end of the day, it was still down to my choice .

Personally, I think you should have thought about your mental health when you found yourself pregnant and decided whether you wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy or not- rather than leave it to 21 weeks. Again my opinion. It appeared from your opening post that you found out your bf was going to father another child behind your back and because of that, you are now considering an abortion. Now that was the gist that I got and I could be totally wrong and I get it. If I found myself pregnant with a "bf" who also got someone else pregnant behind my back. Of course, I would be livid, thinking about my future with this guy and whether I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy- knowing that I wanted us to be a family unit. But hey! Shit happens. Not all guys are genuine and trust worthy and you just got unlucky with this one. But personally, for me, again my opinion, that reason alone wouldn't be enough for me to get an abortion at 21 weeks! Maybe at a much earlier stage but certainly not at those weeks.

Again. This is your life. Your life has no bearing on my life. Whatever decision you choose, is solely your choice. I am not living in your shoes. You can ignore all the above. Best of luck.

Thankyou. But just to clarify I wouldn't be giving birth to a dead baby I am out to sleep and the baby is removed surgically. I know that doesn't sound to pleasant either but I would not be awake or have to see anything afterwards. Either way at this stage the procedure isn't desirable for anyone

Have you definitely confirmed with BPAS you can have a surgical abortion OP at that stage of pregnancy? I know a couple of women who had them at 23w plus and they were not surgical and they weren't offered that due to the stage of pregnancy

It sounds so like ' I can't have it but I done want someone else to have it and be happy beyond anything they ever dreamed of'

Op isn't responsible for the happiness of a couple looking to adopt.

I'm 21 weeks and I am not giving my child away to be adopted. I'd rather raised the child myself if I give birth. There's no amount of background checks in this world that would make me put a child up for adoption. A close family friend of mine is adopted and went through emotional and mental abuse by that adoptive family so it's absolutely not an option. There's pleanty of children in the system already and infertile couples haven't adopted them. People need to stop normalising throwing children into a system they know nothing about. It's not a happy world out there being adopted for everyone and I would not run that risk

@whatsagirltodoinlife I'm 21 weeks right now but yes I've confirmed with bpas it will be a surgical procedure where I am put to sleep for no more than 30 minutes then the process is over with on the second day. On the first day of the procedure they dialate your cervix which takes around 10 mins so surgery can be done the next day

@secular39 but as I've said I won't be giving birth tho or be awake in the process. What do you think abortion clinics do make you go birth then kill the baby after? I literally do not have to give birth 🤣 it's a surgical procedure. And clearly you are not okay with people having abortions at this stage which is fine but don't say things that are not true.

@secular39 please do some research on this subject, watch the process on YouTube and then tell me that you think it's giving birth to a live baby. And furthermore if that was the case I would still chose to do what benefits my health over the health of a baby that cannot survive at this stage without ME.

You will likely have an abortion at 22/23 weeks. Unless you booked into for an abortion for tomorrow! Which is unlikely. The hospital would still need to book an appointment, scan you and arrange you in again to go for an actual abortion.

You having an abortion has no bearing on my life- so don't know where they comment came from. This is just the internet. I was just saying that technically you would still be giving birth to a live baby, even though it's destroyed during the progress

@secular39 the hospital will do a scan then right after prepare my cervix then I go home come in the following day have the surgical procedure then I go home for good that's it. It's a 2 day process that has been explained to me and factually you need to stop saying I'd be giving birth to a live baby because what your saying is nonsense that is not true. When you are over 22weeks they give the baby an injection so it's no longer alive please again do some research

I don't think you can describe it as giving birth to a live baby, as he won't be alive when he's born. Given we know he is a boy, I'm referring to him as that, to give the poor little mite some dignity.

Whether it's a baby or a fetus. Whether it's born alive and then dies or dies inside the OP, whether it's technically giving birth or not, those things aren't important really. It being a human being which with medical support may well survive, who can hear what's going on, feel pain etc, that's much more important.

The OP has the legal right to terminate it's life, but it's a big deal- if not to the OP, to him.

I am very pro choice OP i truly am. BUt aborting at this late stage to me isnt something i would ever consider ok, unless the baby had medical defects which would affect his life.

You should have gone for the abortion sooner. This isnt the end of the world having a baby young, you just need to adjust to things

@Babyboomtastic thankyou for explaining and of course it's a big deal to me it's probably going to be one of the hardest choices of my life to make and it's something that if I went ahead with would stay with me forever. I of course wish things were different or wish I seeked help earlier on rather than letting myself get to this inconsolable stage where I am considering something like this it's one of my deepest regrets that I have came to this point

@secular39
OP has clearly done far more research than you into what an abortion at this gestation will entail and what she would experience as the patient. You are scaremongering and your information is inaccurate. Go and read the NHS website or BPAS or Maria Stopes to get a more accurate picture of this medical procedure. Note that woman who make the choice to terminate a much wanted pregnancy for medical reasons or those who experience pre-term labour at a similar gestation may choose to experience the process differently - you can’t generalize from women’s descriptions of their births or terminations in those circumstances.
You don’t have to agree with OP’s choice, or even with the legality of abortion being available until 24 weeks, or at all. That doesn’t mean you can go around spreading inaccurate information in an inflammatory way.

@Babyboomtastic hi I'm not worried about having a baby at the age of 22 my own mum had me when she was 17 and I've grown up perfectly fine. I am just worried about the way I feel and thoughts I have been having such as not wanting to be here anymore and I feel very hopeless that I may not be able to get through the rest of this pregnancy. I wake up and cry most days I don't eat or sleep properly, this is really affecting me and of course I feel bad I can't even take care of myself to take care of the baby that's growing inside of me and I am trying my best to be strong but I just felt like I needed to discuss my options. I'm not happy with myself atall for thinking this way or thinking I won't be able to take care of my baby once it's here but I have to consider that I wouldn't want to be a mentally unstable mother bringing up a newborn baby