I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

[teeden26]

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

That’s not a metaphor @secular39 - it’s just a horribly emotive misrepresentation.

@secular39 More than anything the reason why I am considering termination is my mental health and extreme depression, any other factor such as the man I'm having a child with doesn't really count as a reason to me. I simply feel so down I just felt like that would be best for me and my child.

Previous to feeling like this I use to think women who had abortions over 12 weeks were horrific people and there was no justification for it and I am so sorry to them that I felt that way because I do not know what they went through or how they felt in order to come to that point. Now I myself am in this position I don't expect everyone to be okay with this choice. But all I can say is now I am in this position personally I fully have changed my views about abortion and I won't ever judge anybody again. It may not be something you will ever resonate with unless you was in this position also.

I’m so sorry for your dilemma OP.

This thread seems to have attracted a lot of emotional responses. Are you getting any good input IRL?

Have you spoken to your midwife, and they can get some help for you ASAP. It sounds like what you need is quite intensive mental health sorry. Antenatal depression is definitely a thing.

I had tokophobia when pregnant (phobia of pregnancy and childbirth). I cried my way through a lot of my first pregnancy. There were many days I just stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling. I was very grateful when I got past the 24 week mark so I couldn't do something I'd later regret. I had some mental health support and went in to have a second child 2 years later.

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd hi, yes as I expected there's a lot of emotional responses on this thread. In real life I've not had much input I don't have anyone outside of my family who I can talk to about this matter who have of course expressed they think it's wrong to end a life at this stage. I've spoken with a mental health nurse who has said I have the right to make this choice to terminate I thought maybe someone on here may of had a similar experience terminating at a late stage as there's not many people you'd meet in real life who have had that experience so this was kind of my last shot.

I'm really trying my best to look to the future and think everything will be okay to continue this pregnancy but there's always that thought at the back of my mind that I won't be able to see this through to the end or by the end of it I'm scared I will be so emotionally lost I won't have anything good to give this baby and bring him up properly. Everything I think of just seems to be very negative

@Babyboomtastic I've spoken with the mental health nurse once last week but I don't have another appointment until the 23rd I wish help was readily available earlier as I self referred myself online at the end of June but the wait of course was over a month long and now its taken so long to get the help unfortunately I've sort of ran out of time to really discuss anything with them. I hope I can find the strength in myself to make a good choice as I of course don't take it lightly to terminate at this stage. Sometimes I feel like things won't get better and I can't get through this but I'm trying to tell myself they will be even if I can't actually see into the future😞

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about this OP, what an awful situation for you to be in. If you decide to go ahead:

If you haven't already, get your midwife to refer you to the perinatal mental health service. There also may be an infant mental health service in your area, they specialise in working with mums who are struggling to bond with their babies. You can be supported prior to the birth.

I have seen mother and baby units mentioned on here. There are 2 types: those for mums with severe perinatal mental illness (think severe depression, postpartum psychosis) and there are those ran by social services, to help families stay together who may be struggling and need social support.

I haven't read all responses so I'm not sure if you had made a decision, but if you are keeping your baby you don't need to suffer alone. Get yourself in the system, there's lots of support out there for women with mental health difficulties in the perinatal period.

Feel free to message me, I work for one of these services and I'll try my best to help you find who you need to contact in your area.

Thinking of you

You’ll survive either way OP, and either way, eventually, you will thrive.

You sound very intelligent and considered and you will make a success of your life i’m quite sure, but equally you do sound extremely down and I can hear how dark it feels to you now.

I don’t want to say anything to attempt to persuade you in one particular direction because you’ve had more than enough of that. But please don’t forget to go easy on yourself and to have hope for the future.

The only thing I would suggest is that you try to make a definite decision before the date, because a decision you actively make is always easier to live with later than one you get bounced into.

💐

Sorry OP, didn't mean to make you feel guilty in any time of way. I can be very direct, also in RL, but I don't mean any malice behind it.
It was more of a shocked response than anything else as it's quite rare and not readily talked about.

Do I think your a terrible person for considering an abortion this late in your trimester? Or course not! Sometimes in life we have to make tricky decisions what we never thought we ever had to make. Including myself. I just wish you got the support much sooner to consider all your choices carefully. Everyone experiences with abortion is different but I was a bit concerned about your mental health (which is an issue now) but how more so after the termination at this point.

I think you have to do what's best for you. This is your life and only you can control where you want your path to lead?

@secular39
please stop posting on this thread . I’ve reported all your disgusting posts.

I know what it's like to go through a pregnancy that shatters your mental health. I get the fear that you can't do it and I would never try to talk someone into that. I survived but despite wanting more children I can never go through that again.

No-one knows what you're going through, you're the one that will be effected by this choice, possibly for the rest of your life. I don't say that to try and push one choice or another, it's the reality of the situation that there are no good choices for you here and now. You need to make a choice you can live with, just you, not your mother or the poster's on here. You can't know how either choice will effect you in the long run, all you can do is make the choice that seems best to you. I hope you find the right path for you in time.

This depends on where you are. Is the OP in the UK? What are the rules where she is? I'm not in the UK. I had a termination due to medical reasons at 18 weeks and had to give birth. The waters breaking, contractions for 28 hours, pushed 6 times, the whole thing. My girl was born dead but I was warned they sometimes try to breathe for about ten minutes before they're dead. It was extremely traumatic for me and I needed very intense therapy after that fir being suicidal after having given birth and holding my sweet little girl who had my brothers nose. It was not as some people describe on here. It was the right decision because she had no chance but I'm severely traumatised for life by it.

I don't know what the right decision is for you, OP. It sounds that you're in a tough place mentally. Whatever you decide, keep going to therapy.

That's good to hear. In some countries women do have to give birth at that gestation, (like I did), that's where the stories come from.

@Jmommy how many kids have you adopted and fostered so far? If the answer is what I suspect, you're talking absolute shit. Start your own thread if you want a little debate, it's literally written at the top of the page.

educate yourself on what is a foetus and what is a baby, and how to improve mental health services, lack of housing, women's rights and misogyny.

You have to do what’s right for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone around you wants you to do, it’s your body and your life, and entirely your decision.

If you don’t want to continue then don’t. There is no shame in that. Do not be guilted into continuing a pregnancy you don’t want for the sake of other people. You matter here, no one else.

Why was my post deleted 😕, I wasn't debating I explained what the difference between a baby & feotus is as a pp had brought it up yet their post was not deleted, I wasn't dishonest in my reply I've a degree in medical science and would never be deceitful about simple facts, I didn't talk about an abortion procedure or make an argument for or against abortion, I specifically said its none of our business and suggested op will do what is right for her but that she should seek professional MH support regardless of her choice ... the only thing I can imagine that would have my post deleted is suggesting op makes an informed decision based on facts and that there is a huge difference between a 6 week gestational baby and 23 weeks, something that will serve her greatly to understand so it doesn't effect her mentally later on when she decides shes ready to start a family and follows those pregnancy apps. with any future pregnancies. An informed decision is nothing more than safeguarding, she came here for advice on her options, my advice is that whatever her choice that she makes that decision fully informed and prepare herself with appropriate MH support before, during and after.

@Batfastard22 thankyou, I self referred myself to mental health services and have now been In touch with the perinatal mental health team I'm meeting with them in the next 2 days :)

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd thankyou, I will definitely make sure it's me who makes my decision and it's not swayed by other people but I do listen to advice. I understand that if I do go ahead my mental health may be worse off so I'm taking this all into consideration to make a definitive choice before my appointment :)

I thought your comment was logical and fair, fwiw. Call it want you want, baby, foetus, pregnancy, whatever: the fact remains that something dies during abortion (regardless of what kind of emotional value you place on it). The prodecure early in the pregnancy is different to the procedure in later pregnancy. This may have different outcomes for the mental health of the mother, which need to be addressed beforehand. Op is free to exercise her legal right to access this procedure, but this post was always bound to be controversial. It's unrealistic to expect this to be an echo chamber of agreeing voices, even within the context of pregnancy choices.