I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

[teeden26]

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

I can absolutely see why you don’t want to tie yourself to this man forever.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one. However, morally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritising your own mental health and your existing life over a foetus.

Be kind to yourself x

Sorry I don't know if I am replying correctly it's my first time using this website. Thank you for your response and being non judgemental I think I've been feeling so bad as to what other people have said/will say about a termination but I understand it's my life and my choice to make. I'm sure I will make the right decision :)

@teeden26

It's totally up to you and your decision and whatever you choose will be right for you ❤️ Write positives and negatives about having a little one, I was also in a relationship that didn't work and we got a 2 year old and I do it all myself and it's the best thing we are so happy just me and my little one,
whatever you choose will be right for you❤️

You’ve only been dating this guy for a matter of weeks, so focus on yourself and what you want- can you afford a kid? Can you secure housing for yourself? You can’t be dependent on a brand new boyfriend, it’s far too risky. The bloke can’t bury his head in the sand, he chose to impregnate multiple women whose kids will be siblings (if you want to be a parent).

It sounds like the relationship is the problem and he’s a player.

Can you get away on your own for a couple of days just to think about yourself and the pregnancy?

It’s not too late for any decision. Morally the right decision is whatever’s right for you.

You are going to be on your own with this baby - I have no doubt you will cope if you want to, but you have to really want to.

you have to do what's best for you. People might judge, but unless they're offering to give birth & raise the child, they can F'off.

this is Your choice , no one else's.

I know someone who has just had a private termination at several weeks further along than you.

it comes down to what YOU can deal with the best?

-raising a child or having a termination.

Agree with a previous poster who suggested you need some time away to focus and make a decision.

I say this gently but, if you decide to continue with your pregnancy, then you are essentially making this man a permanent feature in your life (even if you keep this as a bare minimum over parenting). It is rare for people to change, and I doubt bringing a child into this situation is unlikely to help matters.

Co-parenting requires mutual respect to minimise harm to your child (and I say this as someone who grew up in a toxic environment with domestic violence between parents). Bringing a child into a toxic situation, to be another victim or even source of the continued pain between you, would be selfish.

Would you consider adoption?

If life feels bad now I’m afraid a baby combined with this relationship will make it feel a thousand times harder

your gut instinct - there to protect you is letting you know this situation isn’t right

Could you consider letting the baby be raised by other parents through adoption? My husband was an unwanted pregnancy and his birth mum did a very brave thing in giving him his life but to be raised by adoptive parents. He's had a great life and is grateful to this woman (they've never communicated) because she could easily have made a different choice but didn't and he's had a good life and his parents got to be parents which they couldn't do naturally.
From the point where you are at none of the options are easy but there are choices and you can make the best decision you feel is right.

How old are you OP?

I agree with everything said by others. You have time to make the best decision for you.

I'm currently at my mums house so I can think clearly. I've spoken with my mum she's very supportive but she thinks if I get a termination I will regret it more than carrying on. She has not forced me to by any means but she thinks that would mentally send me to a worse off place than I am in now

I wouldn't consider adoption if I was to have the baby I couldn't bear the thought of it going with strangers who I don't know :(

I'm 22 years old, yes I'm trying to come to a decision promptly now and decide what's best for me and this unborn child. I'd hate for him to be born to a mother whose struggling mentally I'm not sure I'd feel to good if I was to carry on with this

You have nothing to feel guilty about, pregnancy and parenting is a huge burden, physically, financially and mentally, no one needs to know if you have an abortion. If anyone has any opinions they can choke on them, unless they’re funding you and a kid for its first 20 years, their thoughts are less than worthless.

OP is 21 weeks so the baby is viable in a week, I can’t believe abortion is still being discussed when she’s unsure! It would surely be incredibly traumatic to give birth to what will be a 22 or 23 week old foetus with no health problems.

@Wannakisstheteacher childbirth and raising a child that you do not want is also pretty traumatic, I expect. This thread is for support for the OP. Not for your own moral views.

@Wannakisstheteacher use your brain to read what topic OP posted this in. Then continue to use it to read the words OP has written in her posts. Then explain how inflicting existence on an unwanted person is ok, to a mother with trauma and MH problems who is homeless. Take all the time you need.

I think you need professional guidance here op. None of the choices ahead of you are easy. Some of the implications of any of them are only understood with hindsight and you need that to make a choicce least likely to give you regretsCan you get in touch with a pregnancy choices service for help here.

This might be controversial but I'll say it anyway. If you want the child but don't want him in your life, tell him you miscarried. Move away and have the baby.

OP, the fact is that abortion is available to you up until 23 weeks and 6 days.

I suggest you get an urgent appt with BPAS, have the consultation and the scan, and keep your options open while you decide.

Nothing is final until the day, so this course of action gives you the widest choice until the last moment. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty, on here or in real life. You are very young and need to make the decision that is best for you.
They have no right to judge.

Sorry you're having such a rough time OP. It must feel overwhelming right now. On the plus side, if all goes well with your pregnancy and you have the baby (and you're at the point now where if you gave birth, the baby would have a chance), you will get to experience the most incredible love ever, nothing toxic or dishonest about it. It would be difficult, but also amazing. Best of luck to you x

I'm shocked by the number of replies. Having an abortion at 22 weeks is not an easy feet! It's not like having an abortion at 6 weeks.

OP, I know it seems hard right now. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Especially, when pregnant, you are feeling most vulnerable. You have to be strong. Leave the guy. You will never be able to trust him again. He would be rightfully seeing his children but you wouldn't trust him to know if he would start seeing the woman behind your back. Be with someone who sees you as their number one- not a person who can't be bothered to use protection and goes get multitude of women pregnant in a short space of time. I don't know how old he is, but men like that don't care, they keep getting X and X pregnant and do not consider the financial and emotional cost of having a child... the child is just apart of them- an extension of them ands that's that.just look like Khloe Kardashian and her ex and the likes of Boris Johnson.

Thank your stars that you found out now rather than when you gave birth. If you do have this baby- you can do it.

I think it's valid to raise all sides in order for the OP to make an informed choice. Also, OP has quite clearly stated that she doesn't feel comfortable with an abortion at 21 weeks. Surely that needs to be taken into account.