I can't see any positive side to having this baby I feel so sad

[teeden26]

I’m feeling so messed up at the moment don’t know what I really expect from this but I need to vent.

I got pregnant 1 month after leaving a 4 year toxic relationship, at the start I was happy as I convinced myself I was infertile I don’t know why. But anyway this happiness subsided when I was around 13w. The man who I am having a baby w has twins on the way w another lady and refused to tell her about mine and his child as “she is pregnant i don’t wanna stress her out”

I lived w him practically as soon as we started seeing each other and I know he absolutely did not cheat but I just thought why the secrecy and I use to read their messages she would always overstep her mark and he would not put her in her place and then he’d delete texts.

I’ve been off work for 2 months now as I’ve been extremely anxious due to this situation and not being able to process my emotions from my last breakup etc. But now I just have this horrible constant thought what have I done why am I having a child w a man whose got other kids on the way what am I doing with my life I feel like I’ve completely messed up and I’ve became extremely depressed (I am receiving therapy) I really don’t want to have a baby in these circumstances I am broken. I want a termination but morally Termination would be too late as I am 21w in 2 days. I just can’t get over this feeling I’ve messed up my life and now I can’t do anything about it I don’t know what to anymore.

Thank you yes it's definitely my decision I was hoping for some support from my mum but I think I will go to the council over the weekend so I can maybe sort out emergency accommodation so I can move out so I can go ahead with not continuing this pregnancy

Not called for @secular39

Well I think the fact is the baby can be born alive not would not survive as it is not viable that's why there's an abortion limit in place. And it's so easy for people to shove their opinions down one another's throats and if this wasn't the case I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now this is purely because I'm too broke to support myself outside of my family home so I didn't go ahead with it when I originally wanted to.

BUT has now took a serious toll on my mental health, to the point I don't want to be alive anymore. And if I am not alive the baby would not be alive also...

I know you said you want want the baby going to strangers but I would seriously consider adoption there would be many loving families out their desperate to raise a baby in a loving home. Your baby is 23 weeks? my brother was born at 24 weeks and survived I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I would think termination of a baby this late would be really really a hard thing to do.

Hi OP, my daughter was born at 22+6. She is healthy.

I still think abortion should be available to you, and that other peoples emotional input should have no weight in your decision because it is your body, and your choice. And should be for as long as you carry the pregnancy but it isn't sadly, so you need to decide soon.

Maybe some non biased counselling from bpas would be useful?

@teeden26 Im not judging you or anyone else for that matter. I don’t think anyone aborts this late lightly. But I still think it’s an awful thing to imagine. I think you need help, you’re clearly in a very difficult situation. Also as others have said, adoption is a good option too. I honestly fear if you go for abortion it will at the end make you a lot worse as it could be traumatizing for you.

Have you had the opportunity to speak to a professional about the practicalities of an abortion at this stage? You will have a full blown labour and deliver a very recognisable baby that with recent medical advances at 23 weeks is capable of surviving outside the womb (there were twins born at 22w last year who are thriving). I think that could be extremely traumatising, especially if you go on to have fertility issues in later life.

Have you been referred to a mental health midwife? I had one during pregnancy and she was an incredible help. I wonder if an emergency appointment with one might be helpful for you?

My fear for you is that it is your depression which is leading you down the abortion route, but that when you get treatment for that and are in a better place mentally you will be haunted by the grim reality.

People saying that you give birth to a baby with a termination at this stage are completely wrong! Do not listen. Yes it's a completely different procedure, not like taking a pill. You would be in a hospital/centre over night. They give you a pill the 1st day and the second you go into theatre under anaesthetic so you are not awake. When you awaken it's over.

It's your choice on what to do. There is no right on wrong answer he only what is right for you now. Please don't let people's moral judgements cloud yours.

@Okeydoky the OP wouldn't have to deliver though. Dilation and evacuation is an option still at this stage (and up to the limit)

Also your reason for termination would meet the threshold ie your mental health and feeling suicidal at this late stage.

Your issue now is your mum and what you feel the fallout will be if you proceed.

teeden26

I have no advice to give but didn’t want to scroll on by. You need solid support and counselling and I hope you manage to find it. Hugs to you 💐💐💐

OP I was in a similar situation to you. My heart goes out to you.
I found out I was pregnant at 19. 100% did not want a child. I was on the depo injections so hadn't had a period for nearly 3 years by that stage. I knew I wanted an abortion straight away. I went and had a scan before and found out I was 22wks 3. I couldn't believe it. I was in a state of shock. I said I still.wanted an abortion. Within a few days I was booked in. The process was never explained to me. I had no idea until many years later what a late abortion entailed. At 23wks1 I had the procedure. Like previous posters have said you do not deliver a baby, you are in hospital for 1 night. You take some pills the first day, it's painful and then the next day you are put under and the procedure is preformed. I was home that night. The difference being I had the full support of my mum and because I only had just found out myself no one else knew so I guess my decision was a lot easier than yours.
I look back 17 years later and know with all my heart it was the right decision at the time for me. I have sadness about it but not regrets. I'm glad I didn't know what was to happen as I may have changed my mind.
I have a child now, the best thing to ever have happen to me but I think had that child been born 17 years ago I might not of felt the same.

Having said all of this it doesn't mean you have to go through with it. There can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Things could work out beautifully for you and that unborn child if you decide to see it through. I know had I not had the support of my mum I probably would have faced up to it and carried on with the pregnancy.
If you do go ahead and keep the baby then you have to pick yourself up and get strong right now for yourself and your possible child.
Sending you all the wishes and love

Thanks so much💕

Thank you it's nice to hear a similar story I know I may look back in future also and feel some sadness but if it's the right thing for me at this present time then that's the way forward for me to move on in life. I wish my mum was as supportive, im going to try to talk to her one last time tomorrow but if she doesn't change her mind I think I defo need to go with what's best for me I can't imagine having a child in this situation

Sending hugs whatever you decide on

Thank you ❤️

@user1477391263 Yes your right you can - even if they are factually incorrect unfortunately.

Hey OP, I don't have much advice as what you should do regarding your pregnancy ... but I would like to offer a little perspective regarding your mum if you don't mind.

You said your mum is like your bestfriend and that is beautiful, I don't have the same relationship with mine, but I can tell you that when I found out I was expecting I was 18 & in 1st year of college over 100 miles from home, when my mum found out she told me to get on a boat (we live in Ireland so abortion meant a trip to england) or Don't come home, I never went home, it mèant I was a struggling single mum for a few years but I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter who now calls me her bestfriend ❤ ... your relationship with your mum is so very important, I know it can be hard to see the woods from the trees right now but your mum, and from the sounds of it your family, already love your unborn baby. 23 weeks is very late, 5 months, & living at home you can hardly expect your mum to be indifferent or unattached to your pregnancy, she loves your baby as much as any grandmother loves their grandchild. I think it's unrealistic of you to expect her to switch her feelings off, especially this late in, you can end this pregnancy but you have to allow her to grieve. You referred to your baby a few times as "he" so I'm guessing you know its a boy, does your mum know this? At 23 weeks baby is prob kicking up a storm too and I'm sure you have shared this with your mum, along with scan pics ... has she gone to appointments and heard his heartbeat? I'm only asking because these are the details that would likely have an impact on your mum, you say she cares more about your unborn child than you but she likely doesn't see a difference, your mum probably recognises your baby as living person if you have shared all of these milestones with her, she likely feels as though she is arguing for her grandchilds life and not their potential, I don't believe it's fair to vilify her for caring when you openly allowed her to be involved up until now. There's so many women out there with family that couldn't give a hoot about their kids, your child is loved and your mum is undoubtedly heartbroken by your decision.

From my own experience of severe depression spanning back to when I was first diagnosed at 16 to now at 31, it tended to get worse during pregnancy (I've 3 daughters now) and didn't suddenly get better after birth either (had really bad pnd after my first), you are gonna need your mum regardless of what you choose, this is such a sad situation for all of you, but communicating and allowing each other to feel your feelings is important. I'd suggest that if you do decide to terminate that you and your mum do a few therapy sessions together to heal your relationship and move forward. Your mum is not a horrible person she most likely believes you'll feel differently when baby is here. Have you ever been excited about the pregnancy? I'm just assuming that maybe there was a time your were excited or happy and that's why you didn't terminate at like 6 or 12 weeks etc.? Maybe she thinks you could be happy again.

@Skittlesthough hi, yes my mum definitely has grown to love my unborn child and has said she doesn't want me to get and abortion as she is excited to meet him (she knows it's a boy) and paid for my gender scan but it was just me and my ex partner who went. My mums never been to any of my appointments with me as it was always me and my ex. As of recently after splitting with my boyfriend I've gone alone to appointments as I didn't want her to become more attached.

At the start of my pregnancy I was happy as anything but around 11w I had a bleed and thought I miscarried the baby I was in and out of hospital so many times for around 3 weeks and by the end of it I was so tired and scared I felt like I didn't care what happened anymore. And I was scared that this man had other children he was going to raise a few months after whilst I just lost my baby (if that was the care I was mentally preparing myself for the worst)I was so scared of not having him there for me emotionally and him going off to be happy with his other newborns after I just lost my baby.

I had the biggest feeling of regret and I wished I hadn't put myself in the situation where I thought I couldn't even rely on my partner as a shoulder to cry on because he was so adamant on keeping our baby a secret. That's when I then thought of abortion around 6-7 weeks ago but by the opinion of my mum and other family members they said after 12weeks people who do that are evil so I just went with it and got to the place I'm in now. I know my mum has best intentions at heart I just wish she wouldn't say things the way she did I felt like she wanted to make me feel super bad for considering abortion and she wouldn't mention things such as "that's killing a life"

She may have her own beliefs and feel like it's killing a life but I wish she took how I felt into consideration when she said that although I understand she may of been upset

Sweetheart,
You're saying that people are saying that this baby deserves a shot at life, but what about you?
You're quite clearly depressed, and that's completely understandable, given that the support you have seems hinged on doing what your support system sees as the "right" decision, this baby will tie you to a man who isn't really a suitable partner, and you've exited an abusive relationship within the year. A 4 year relationship, so I make it that you were 18 when you entered into it.

So when do you get the opportunity to put you first?

I an so sorry that this is your situation, but please do not buy into the guilt tripping from your mum about how you'll regret it.
Who knows? Maybe it'll be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Depression is bad enough, but what if having a baby makes it worse? What if you look at your baby, and feel upset and guilty at the life you can provide, not being "enough" or your living situation, or the relationship with his dad, or ongoing pressure from your mum?

Please take some time, consider yourself. Consider what this baby means for your life, for you.

Wishing you all the best, whatever decision you make.

Hello, please feel free to message me. I am 22 just had a baby and was in a very similar situation to you so I know exactly how you are feeling :)

Why was my comment deleted? All I did was commend OP for being brave to consider an abortion at 20 plus weeks.. I think she's 22 weeks by now. Honestly, I could never abort a healthy baby at that stage. Mentally and physically I couldn't cope. But everyone is different. I think when anyone considers having a baby, they should take into account that would they may likely become a single parent and if that's the case, would they still want the baby.