Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

253 replies

Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:16

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

OP posts:
lovescats3 · 30/08/2021 19:40

When I saw the title of your post I thought it's a gift from the universe.My husband and I don't regret parenthood.

MsPavlichenko · 30/08/2021 19:41

It’s not a sign from the universe. It’s a “sign” your contraception failed.

I have no regrets about the pregnancies I continued and the wonderful children I have. I also have no regrets about the one I decided to terminate.

Anonymouslyposting · 30/08/2021 19:44

Have you considered adoption? I don’t really know much about it so no advice but I think I would consider it if I was struggling with the “ethical and spiritual side of things”.

I would also say that the ethical side of a termination would become more difficult (for me at least) as the pregnancy progresses and the foetus becomes more of a baby. So while you obviously shouldn’t rush the decision I’d want to have a termination as early as possible if that was going to be the decision.

drpet49 · 30/08/2021 19:45

* We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.*

^You have your answer here.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 30/08/2021 19:46

If you didn't want children you until this point, do you really want a teenager in your 60s? What were your plans for your future otherwise? What would have to change/would you have to give up to have a baby at this age?

trunumber · 30/08/2021 19:51

Don't think about the what ifs about how much you could love the child. Think about the practical facts

Likely you will love your child but not necessarily in the life changing explosion kind of way (I got that but actually most of friends who planned kids didn't for a year or so)

Know the facts of you will get no sleep, you will be exhausted, your relationship will be tested. Your freedom and finances are seriously impacted, your career is impacted. Likely this will be an only child, you will end up playing A LOT

IF you think of all these things and accept them as a likelihood and still want to be a mother then continue the pregnancy.

Not wanting to be a parent is a perfectly acceptable reason to terminate

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/08/2021 19:55

@lovescats3

When I saw the title of your post I thought it's a gift from the universe.My husband and I don't regret parenthood.
With due respect, neither your your husband are the OP.
FTEngineerM · 30/08/2021 19:58

@lovescats3

When I saw the title of your post I thought it's a gift from the universe.My husband and I don't regret parenthood.
😂😂😂 ‘a gift from the universe’

They had sex… probably enjoyed it.. it’s not a gift from the universe. Fuck sake.

AliceW89 · 30/08/2021 20:05

Agree with the above. DS is the love of my life and has enriched me in ways I couldn’t imagine. But from a practical and selfish perspective, my life is currently much worse. My career has stalled, birth left me with gynae issues, my relationship with DH has changed, I’m permanently exhausted and just spontaneously jumping on a train to see friends or family 2h away is now out of the question…it goes on. He’s only 15 months so I know it will get better, but f**k me it’s been a long, hard 15 months. Unless you are prepared for your life to change drastically, then don’t discount termination. That’s not everyone’s experience, but it’s a fair percentage.

Kithic · 30/08/2021 20:05

@NorthLodgeAvenue

Toss a coin to remove a living thing at 6 months ( aka 24 weeks)

Oh please, no.

The point of tossing a coin is that you are meant to know which way you want the coin to drop, not to make the decision for you.
jade0881 · 30/08/2021 20:07

Hi op,
I understand you don't want kids. So answering your question is going to be hard. I am currently 6 months pregnant with my 5th pregnancy.( minus 2 babies I lost).

If you didn't want children maybe using protection would of been a start or either you getting your bits tied or hubby gettin snip.

To be every pregnancy is a blessing. No1 can say that it isn't.

It's so sad that you feel this way. Your baby didn't ask to be made. Maybe giving the baby up for adoption would be better then a termination (I really don't believe in this unless it's for certain situations)..

Sorry if I sound brutal but I'm a person who says it how it is.

cookingisoverrated · 30/08/2021 20:08

OP, would you want you as a parent?
Would you want you and your husband as parents?

VodselForDinner · 30/08/2021 20:14

I haven’t been in your shoes, OP, so can’t speak from experience.

I’m almost 40 and very happily childfree. In your shoes, I think that I would struggle to have an abortion (I’m 100% pro-choice but it’s a procedure I would personally find very difficult to have to opt for) but it’s probably the direction I would take because, ultimately, and to quote you-

We don’t want a child

VodselForDinner · 30/08/2021 20:16

To be every pregnancy is a blessing. No1 can say that it isn't

I can.

I know plenty of women for whom pregnancy and motherhood was a curse and not a blessing.

We need to stop puking this line out. It’s not true, and it’s not helpful.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 30/08/2021 20:18

You've said multiple times that you don't want a/this child, so that's your answer isn't it?

NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 20:29

Unless you've seen your baby on a screen which possibly alters things?

TartanJumper · 30/08/2021 20:46

*If you didn't want children maybe using protection would of been a start or either you getting your bits tied or hubby gettin snip.

To be every pregnancy is a blessing. No1 can say that it isn't

It's so sad that you feel this way. Your baby didn't ask to be made. Maybe giving the baby up for adoption would be better then a termination (I really don't believe in this unless it's for certain situations)..*

Contraception is not 100%. I assume as the OP is 44, she's managed to avoid getting pregnant for at least 20+ years, so your comment is really quite sanctimonious. And what you believe is irrelevant; the OP is making the decision for herself, based on her feelings on the matter.

LashesZ · 30/08/2021 20:48

You need to want a child for it to be the right decision. I certainly couldn't comprehend the lifelong changes (as in, with each milestone DD passes, it is a different level of stress and routine) and it will be that way for the rest of my life.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/08/2021 20:53

I think it kind of depends on what your reasons for not wanting a child were, wether you will really regret it or not.

ED81 · 30/08/2021 20:58

Hi @Floofypants,
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. How incredibly difficult and confusing for you and your partner.
All I can say is please choose carefully. I’ve had a termination and the mental health fall out for me was huge. And that was with me being sure it was the correct choice. I have no children.

I terminated at 8 weeks and feel like that part of me is so alien to me. I can’t quite believe I did it.

But some women never glance back and just continue with their lives. It’s very individual.

I know a couple with an accidental pregnancy who love parenthood.

I don’t think there is an obvious answer. Some may say your hesitation perhaps speaks volumes?

Thinking of you.xx

peppapigfangirl · 30/08/2021 21:06

It feels quite obvious to me as an outsider looking at your situation that you don't want children. And that's a valid and acceptable life choice. Just because other people have had children and found they loved it doesn't mean your decision still isn't valid and the correct one for you as a couple. It's heartbreaking imagining a child being brought into the world by parents who aren't really sure if they want it and are just hoping that love will be enough to make them change their mind about that.

I would never tell someone to abort or not abort because it's an entirely personal decision but as others have said the universe is not trying to tell you something and it feels fairly clear from your post that you don't want children. If 12 weeks of pregnancy, counselling and a scan hasn't changed your mind I think it's enough of an answer. Wanting children is a gut feeling. I would imagine not wanting them is the same.

DGFB · 30/08/2021 21:08

Only you can decide.
Having children is hard and it does change you’re life but it’s also the most wonderful and rewarding thing. I’ve never felt a love or bond like it.
But I really wanted children. I would have been so sad without them.
At 12 weeks I couldn’t terminate but that is my own decision.
Only you knows

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/08/2021 21:12

@Thatsplentyjack

I think it kind of depends on what your reasons for not wanting a child were, wether you will really regret it or not.
I'd say not wanting a child is a simple enough reason for not wanting a child. There doesnt need to be more behind it.
WimpoleHat · 30/08/2021 21:17

I am not a “kiddie person”. I still don’t like children….other than my own. But the bond I have with my own kids is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. So the question isn’t really whether you want “a child” in the abstract but “your child”. But only you can know the answer to that.

Shouldbedoing · 30/08/2021 21:25

I had mine at 40 and almost 44. I felt glad that I had established my career, seen life, travelled, partied etc I knew that a year or 2 of babyhood would pass in the blink of an eye. Unless your partner pulls his weight there's no time for the gym but you will run and walk every day. I'm now a lone parent to 2 very bright kids, so university fees are looming in my 60s. I always wanted children which is different to the OP's dilemma, and I have awkward teens now, but they bring me a lot of joy.