12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

I know a couple who were in the exact same situation at you. Their 16y old is now my son's best mate and they adore him. Their lives didn't change anywhere near as much as you'd expect, I think. The baby/toddler years are a bit hard work, sure, but having one child as a professional, working couple is way easier than when you have 3/4 kids (trust me). Just for an alternative perspective.

I think, if you’ve got to 44 sure that you didn’t want children; and then got through 12 weeks of pregnancy and a scan and you still don’t want them; you’ve got your answer.

I appreciate this can’t be easy, but you do know what you want.

I’m sorry you’re in this position

I can’t say enough how much I appreciate all these different comments. Thank you everyone. Lots of food for thought.

Being a parent is the hardest and the best thing ever. Remember the baby stage doesn't last long. If you proceed you will have nearly 2 decades of raising your child.

If you don't want to be parents, then don't continue

Your coming across that your not sure and looking for reasons why having a child may not work out. If your not sure, I would not terminate.

@Ibizan

You don’t sound like someone who wants a termination. Most people feel relief in the mixture of emotions and I am not getting that feeling from you at all.

It sounds like you’ve always seen yourself as “Someone-who-doesn’t-want-kids” but when the circumstances arise that you have to really think about it, you’re actually not sure at all.

The fact your partner is in the same place as you says that both of you are open to proceeding.
One way is to make a decision for now, and see how it feels after a week. So decide today to continue with the pregnancy, and see how it grows on you.
Your decision to terminate a couple of weeks ago didn’t really suit, so time to try out the other side!

This ^

I believe in signs and things that are meant to be, happen. I also didn’t want children and was persuaded by my husband and I didn’t want to lose him.
I’m now a very happy mum of 2, and can’t believe I didn’t want kids.
Just another perspective!
I also am not someone who is strong enough to go through an abortion, even if for all the right reasons, I know I couldn’t cope with it. (This is my own mental weakness, I’m not judging anyone that does! I am not against abortion).
I hope you make the right decision for you Op, you sound like a thoughtful person, who if it came to it, would be a lovely mum.

No advice, OP, as you say only. you can make the decision.

I don't think it's a sign- it's just something that's happened.

All the best to you in whatever you decide.

I would urge you not to let MN replies sway you in the direction of abortion, you need to be 100% certain yourself.

MN is very quick to tell people to abort IME, real life isn't that black and white as you know. The posters saying abort don't have to live with that decision.

You have some time left, I reccomend some more counselling.

Hope you're ok

MN is very quick to tell people to abort IME, real life isn't that black and white as you know. The posters saying abort don't have to live with that decision.

I would say the opposite: people are very quick to jump on any slight ambiguity of feeling as a sign that the person "doesn't really want a termination". And nobody wants a termination, in itself. Nobody goes "I really fancy a day out to have an abortion, so I'll have a few shags to get ready!" People have them because for them it's the least worst alternative to having a baby that for whatever reason they do not want to have. Having slightly complex feelings is very normal. As is feeling nothing but relief.

I agree that OP should make her own decision. But I would strongly advise not making a decision based on any woolly ideas about "fate". Having a baby is hard. Having a baby when you're in your 40s and broken nights are killer and you've spent decades totally in control of your life and time and now that's blown to smithereens is harder.

Having a child is essentially inviting a stranger into your marriage. I'm your case it's a stranger you don't want and didn't willingly invite.

How would you feel if your child turns out to be disabled or have significant challenges (autism or ADHD for example)? Are you ready and willing to spend your life to prioritize someone else's needs, whatever they turn out to be?

You do not have to go through with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. Parenting is tough work and you need to really want to do it to enjoy it.

I think you need to urgently look at the process of abortion at at weeks gestation. If you leave it too long your going to give birth anyway as surgical normally has a cut off. Not saying you should abort, but if you do it's not the same at 13 weeks and 16. Unless you can find a surgical path at 16 weeks I think it's less easy.

For me, not wanting a child stands out. You dont see it as a gift. It's not what you want.

You’ve been really clear in your posts that you don’t want a child. You should try to make your decision quickly now. You seem to still feel the same after the scans and over 12 weeks. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children but the process of ending the pregnancy is going to get more difficult the longer you leave it.

Whichever you decide you won’t know how you will feel until you’ve gone through with it. That’s the fact of the matter. What you have to decide as much as possible is whichever of the following will be the hardest for you to deal with…..

You may well feel utter relief if you terminate. You may be blindsided by feelings of grief and devastation.

You might continue with the pregnancy and regret the birth of your baby. You might continue with the pregnancy and experience deep fulfilling love and joy.

One way to look at it is that once you have an abortion that is it.
If you continue with the pregnancy you continue to have choices insofar as as others have said you could consider adoption if you felt motherhood was not for you, but that might be harder than you think.
It is a huge thing to go through a pregnancy knowing you intend to give the baby up.

44 is not too old to become a mother either IMO

I’ve had a termination and I also have children. The regret I sometimes feel about the child I never got to know is far greater than any regret I’ve ever experienced as a now single parent even during the hard times. However if I had not had that termination I probably wouldn’t have my three children now as my life would have been different and I can’t imagine that. I am not naive in that some of the things I can do and help my children with now come from that choice I made all those years ago too. It is a complex situation even though the two choices couldn’t be more different

Wondering whether you can do this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a parent either. That’s actually a responsible and normal reaction whether a baby is planned or not I think.

Wish you all the very best in deciding.

Don't do it unless it's something you desperately want. And at 44 you're likely to struggle massively with energy levels. I had mine at 30 and 33 and barely made it through the early years sane

My experience was different. I had babies ( planned and wanted ) at 41 and 43 and i was no more tired than younger women. They are now high school age and I’m very fit and healthy - i do a lot of sport and have an active job.

There are many advantages to being an “ older” first time parent. You are usually more patient and less resentful of the lost freedom. Older dads are often a lot more hands on and you have plenty support and advice from friends whose own kids are older and who enjoy the novelty of a baby again. And you are more likely be financially stable.

I’m glads i didnt have my kids in my 20s, I enjoyed it much more as an adult with some life experience behind me and enough cash in the bank.

I had my sons when I was 38 & 43. To be honest I was never sure whether I wanted kids or not. I liked my life and genuinely thought I might be too selfish to be a good mum. I left it in "God's hands" Being a parent is both the best and hardest thing I've ever did. Personally, I don't have any regrets.

Having a child is completely life-changing. It's ok not to want that life. If you can't go through with termination, would you consider having the child adopted?

I think you need some independent support to talk this through.
Have you thought about your reasons why motherhood isn't for you?
I tend to agree with others that a termination would be better than having a child you are unable to love.
It's hard for anyone with children to say that though as we are presenting from our own positive experiences.
No one knows what motherhood is like until they experience it.
If you knew you'd love it and your life would be enriched then that's an easy decision. But you don't know the future.

It is a very difficult situation.
I had a termination in quite different circumstances (had always wanted kids but situation was all wrong). My pregnancy occurred after randomly asking the universe for a sign as I felt lost in life. I really struggled with that for several years afterwards, had a lot of counselling and ended up peer volunteering supporting others after abortion.
It is a decision where your head, heart and soul (and your partner's) will all have things to say. Whatever you choose and prioritise you need
to be able to look back and say I chose X despite Y because Z. Your feelings about spirituality and ethics, your values relating to the situation, all need to be part of one big pros and cons list with all the practical considerations and lifestyle impacts etc.

If you terminate or give birth, either way you may go through big hormonal upheaval, including possible tearyness, depression etc, being sure of your decision and reasons will be a help if that happens.
Best wishes with whatever course you take.

Not wanting a child is more than enough reason to terminate.

@cultkid

That's a heavy handed response rose

I love all my children so much, I didn't realise how much I would love them until I was born

I can't answer your question.. but having kids is amazing

Most people love their dcs, not all of them find it amazing, some regret it

@Sisterlyadvice

For what it's worth, we - like you - always knew 100% we didn't want a child so when I accidentally fell pregnant at 32 I didn't hesitate to have an abortion. I have not once, ever regretted the decision. It's done the 'done' thing to say it but not everyone regrets it, some people just see it as dodging a major bullet. I'm grateful every day that I had that option open to me and could take it.

I never regretted mine either. I was 30 and already had 3 children, so I knew I could do it but I didn't want to. I hadn't planned the 3 I did have, as much as I love them, but financially and practically 4 was just not a good choice. I was lucky as I was early days when I found out, so all sorted by 7 weeks. I understand it will be harder once you've had a scan and been pregnant for a while, but for me it was a sairly simple medical procedure (I had a surgical abortion) and back to work the next day with no regrets.

I think it's amazing that we have the privilege of making these choices, in this country.

With big decisions you can cut through quite a lot of bullshit with one simple question:
Is this what I want?
Not “is it what I need, what I should do, what I’ve been told to do”. WANT. Always ask: what do I want to do here?

It sounds like you don’t want this. Unplanned pregnancies are contraception errors, nothing from the universe. The universe doesn’t care whether you procreate. You’ve got one life, one chance to make the life you are happy with so your true and honest path is only what you want.

We live in a wonderful time of life now, where women can choose their path in life and are not simply expected to rear children and nothing more, so if you don't want to have a child you really don't have to have a child and that's perfectly fine, if you don't want a child then terminate the pregnancy. It will be difficult at first, you'll back and forth as to whether or not you've done the right thing but if it's really what you want you'll be able to pragmatically work through those feelings.

To play devil's advocate, I was very indifferent to having children and I now have a toddler, who is amazing and I love so so much, which I'm aware isn't everyone's experience but I wouldn't change her for the world.

Good luck OP