12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

I'll give you some real talk - can you afford it? Kids needs lots of stuff, clothes etc?

You will be older parents and knackered - can you afford help? Cleaner? Babysitting?

Do you have established network of friends and family ? Crucially - do they/will they have kids the same age that they can play with?

Will you be willing to go on child friendly holidays for at least a decade?

Would you be able to cope with crying wailing screaming for no rational reason? Having kids can be brutal. Yes there is joy but I was no prepared for the sheer bloody mindedness at times.

Ps!
Mumsnet can be quite a dangerous place so please don’t make a choice on what these replies say. There is quite often very strong opinion.
Don’t let us sway you.
It’s your choice.xx

Only you can make the decision. The only part I would comment on is how long you delay making that decision. How many more weeks allowing it to grow while you ponder? My experience is neither here nor there with regards to your choice and individual situation, but I do disagree with dragging it out. That it's been weeks of knowing and you're over 12 now was the only aspect that made me reply.

I never wanted children either op but accidentally got pregnant at 35 and I was gutted. Dh did quite want a baby though and I felt like you, that I didn’t have a good enough reason not to continue the pregnancy. We’d just paid off our mortgage, I had a fairly decent job and we had a strong relationship…
I remember standing at the top of the start thinking maybe if I fell down the stairs the decision might be taken out of my hands because I really didn’t want a child but I couldn’t bring myself to have an termination.
Anyway, I had ds then dd 2 years later and I love them both so much, more than I thought I would but if I could go back, I’m not sure I’d do it again. I feel too old, I don’t have the energy or the patience, my whole pelvic area is disintegrating 12 years on. I’m utterly shit at parenting too and I don’t much like dh any more as he’s even shitter at it than I am. I feel sorry for my poor children, they are truly amazing and deserve much better parents who would bring them up to be the best humans they could be. I think maternal instincts are there for a reason and if you don’t have them it’s quite a big deal.
Plus look at the state of the planet, what kind of state is the environment going to be in by the time your potential child grows up? Would you want to put them through the potential climate crisis?
You’ll be in your 60s when your child is in their 20s. Will they have any other family when you’re really old? Cousins, grandparents?
On the other hand many older parents are amazing. Only you know if you’ll have the energy and tolerance and goddamn fortitude for parenthood because it’s bloody hard work 😫

Hmm. Tricky. I had a planned baby at 41, and another at 43. Even when you have planned, there is sometimes a “bloody hell what have I done “ moment, as the whole thing is so immense, and so unimaginable, until there is this new person, and you can’t any longer imagine them not existing.
I am a-swayed-by-the-fates-person, I sometimes like a leap of faith into the unknown, and in your place I would have the baby, but I am not you, I don’t know you, it is hard to give any advice.
I will say that it is impossible to understand how you feel about a child until they are there. It is impossible to know what sort of parents you will be too, my DH and I are each the opposite of what I imagined.
Bad side - babies are exhausting.
Good side- but brilliant.
Bad side - teenagers in your fifties are exhausting.
Good side- but brilliant.

The biggest good side is that my daughters are amazing, and also that however exhausting they are, I have been changed by motherhood , I am a better person for the lessons that the difficult patches have taught me, and I am still changing, racing behind them ,learning lessons just as they move forward and change.
Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is the easiest thing I have ever done, it can be frightening, and it can be challenging, but most of the time it has been a lot of fun. I am more my silly, authentic self with my children than with anyone else, singing silly songs in the car, dancing round the kitchen, talking to them about their thoughts and feelings.
Easy to think of a baby as the big thing but the baby bit is really short. Teenagers are great !

Good luck with whatever you choose.

I’m amazed and shocked, you weren’t more careful

As a parent,in your situation I would abort. You can't undo having a child.

@Nsky

I’m amazed and shocked, you weren’t more careful

Who is to say she wasn't? I got pregnant on the pill from sex where he didn't finish! I didn't think when I was taking the pill correctly and it had been fine for 15 years previously that I should worry I have a coil now but obviously I could still get pregnant, if I did then I would need to terminate the pregnancy

You don't want a child. Don't have one because your contraception didn't work, and you now wonder if that's a sign. It's not. Contraception isn't full proof.

You sound like you like your life as it is. Keep sight of that.

What ED81 said.

Also...just a thought op...do you think you are framing it as possibly a sign from the universe because a part of you, subconsciously, wants to continue the pregnancy? Might be worth exploring this. Sometimes we make decisions as a couple, maybe years ago, are both happy, so never explore the idea again.

One thing for sure, this is your body's final fling so it's now or never. Good luck op with whatever you decide

I never wanted to have a baby. And then I had one. Wouldn't change it for the world!

OP, something that makes me wonder is the fact you've never wanted children yet are struggling to be so sure now that you are pregnant. I've never wanted children either and when I experienced an unplanned pregnancy the possibility of keeping the baby did not enter my head, although I did hate the idea of having a termination it felt like the only option. As it happens, I went on to discover that I had already had a missed miscarriage which I was relieved about as it meant not having to have the termination. That was a bit of a spiritual sticking point for me too, although not enough to not have opted for one had I not experienced the MMC.

As others have said, don't mistake the realities of biology as some sort of sign. Could your wobble be that you know it is now or never? You already recognise that you can't have certainty but I imagine it would be preferable to continue with the life you've built and sometimes wonder what might have been rather than having a child and regretting it.

All the best with whatever you decide!

I agree with what you said about ruling out adoption. Continuing the pregnancy then giving him/ her up for adoption when you have post partum hormones raging around your body, the emotional/ psychological pain would be horrendous.

I think that feeling of wanting children or not is one of those 'you just know' type feelings. In my mid twenties I knew deep down I didn't want any more children. After missing my contraception when I wasn't in a good way mentally, sure enough I was pregnant. I had the feeling I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy but for one reason and another I did. I think I maybe thought things would magically change once the baby was here, they didn't and the first year was hell. For various reasons I felt I couldn't seek help from anyone so I just pretended everything was fine but it was pretty bad.

Things are a lot better now and we have a happy family (of sorts) but the situation really exacerbated pre existing mental health problems and I don't feel I'll ever be 'better'.

Obviously not saying that would happen to you as we're all different. I love my kids to bits but if I could do it all again I don't know that I'd make the same decisions again. I've found it very very hard but doesn't mean to say you will.

Good luck

Wanted or not a baby is a bomb in any relationship. And it's not just a one of event. It's a bomb for the rest of your lives.

Don't just think about the impact of the baby years. Your retirement is fucked up too.

Your situation is my worst nightmare. But I've got kids. At 44 not a fucking chance that I'd do it again.

And remember @Floofypants Mumsnet is mainly people having a moan. I find that’s what people use forums etc for is negative stuff.
I can not say enough, don’t use Mumsnet on the basis for your choice.

Op, if you're looking through these comments to find ones that support your idea of termination, then you should terminate.

If you're looking through to find comments that support you keeping the child, you should keep it. It's like flipping a coin. You know what you hoped for when you see the result.

Every child is a gift

But no one has to keep a gift they don't want

But you need to make your decision soon. Yes abortion is legal until 24 weeks but it doesn't make it right. Babies are being born healthy and surviving at that gestation now. It isn't fair on an unborn child to knowingly leave it that late because you've spent 6 months being unable to make up your mind about their future (TFMR aside obviously)

I don't think we can tell you what to do. If the baby was no longer there would you feel sad? Could you consider and put the baby up for adoption?
I think imagine not being pregnant and how does that make you feel.

Can you let us know what you decide to do?

I recommend doing what feels right in your heart. Doing that reduces the risk of regret later.

OP, being pregnant does feel very weird. The fact that you don't feel connected to it - I didn't either. It's deeply bizarre to know your body is up to all that. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's not right for you. It just is a very surprising experience.

I think some people say it so many times to themselves that they don't want children that they convince themselves that it is black and white. I say myself often that I don't want a third child, and I really mean it. The reality is, if I was unexpectedly pregnant, I would be giving it a lot of thought and I reckon in the end I would have the baby because I know children give more joy than they do hassle,and I could afford it financially and emotionally. Good luck.

I got pregnant, unplanned, very late too. (39). I was only thinking yesterday about the whole experience. I hadn’t wanted a baby and I was actually single after a long relationship had ended. A child was definitely not something I’d been pining for.

I decided to go with it. Never before threw my planning to the side and just “went with something”.

I had a child at 40 and single. And she is the best best part of my world, my life, and the love is endless.

I remember it took a while for the pregnancy to click with me. I remember my brother telling me it’s ok to be delighted, and he said “congratulations”… this is hard to explain but was like a shift in my perception - I was allowed to be happy with an unplanned pregnancy, I don’t have to have all the answers (or any) or explain what / how it came to be…

Good luck OP whichever way you go. Sorry OP wish I could help. But I honestly remember that huge overwhelming feeling of being given the “choice” and not knowing what to do. I suppose what I’m trying to say is I started to think it wasn’t a choice as such, but a “course correction” for my life, the universe saying I didn’t know I needed this but I actually did… and I’m not spiritual but I felt this huge intervention was playing out.

A PP said to sit with the notion of being pregnant since termination didn’t feel right. We’ve done that for the last two weeks and I’ve tried to envisage my life in 6 months’ time and beyond, and tried to embrace the idea of motherhood. Maybe I thought something would ‘click’ inside and I’d feel excited or mildly enthusiastic! Yet I don’t. A tiny part of me is curious to have the experience of motherhood but by far the biggest part of me doesn’t.

Both our children were planned and I have never been in your position, so feel free to take my comments with a pinch of salt. Despite being planned DH and I still had an “oh shit!” reaction when I took my first +ve pregnancy test. We talked about our uncertainty about whether we’d done the right thing as we were very happy just as a couple. The pregnancy felt unreal for a long time and I still couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be a parent. Even at 8+ months pregnant it still seemed like an abstract proposition and I didn’t feel rosy or maternal. I wasn’t very maternal, not remotely interested in babies and wanted children because I could see myself with older (teen) or adult children. Pre-kids the baby/toddler stage felt like a necessary evil to get to the later stage. In reality, the love I immediately felt for DS1 took me by surprise and the baby/toddler stage was more rewarding and fun than I expected. It was also more knackering too, but it passed. My kids are now in their teens and I love their company, love them to the core. The first few years were bloody hard work, but I’m so glad we did it.

I felt completely detached from my pregnancy too, and largely treated it like an illness and when the baby was born, once over the shock it was pretty incredible to say the least. I could not connect with the pregnancy very much up until the point I could feel her little feet kicking out.
I was indifferent to motherhood beforehand, my maternal instinct kicked in when she was born and I have never looked back.

You sound very considered, and that is a good thing.

Your middle aged. You’ll struggle with a baby. I was 40 when my oldest was a late teen, it was very hard work. If you’ve got to 44, and 12 weeks pregnant and still unsure, you do not want a baby. Please seek more help quickly. Take care.