12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

We don’t want a child

Therein lies your answer.

Having a baby is completely life changing and it's a the most physically emotionally challenging experience every ounce of energy and attention all day and night

I struggled with that in my early 30s maybe as I was so used to my freedom / independent life / career orientated - I felt it was a huge shift in everything including identity and took me a long while to adjust (and I desperately wanted a baby!)

Also you may not feel the "rush of love" at the very start this can sometimes take a while to build over time - no one tells you this but it's completely normal if you don't feel it straight away

Saying all that having a baby is the best thing I've ever ever done -but I say that as someone desperate to be a mum. I think if you definitely don't want children and don't want your life to change I guess that is your answer rather than trying to analyse why it has happened in the first place.

I didn’t plan to have children later in life but at 41 I had my second child which was definitely a blessing for me. As for being tired I’m sure all new parents go through that stage whether young or older. Best thing you can do is talk through all your concerns ( and also all the good things) with your partner.

I would say it’s not a gift if you don’t want children. It would be a nightmare. Children are expensive, noisy, time consuming, energetic, exhausting as well as the obvious good sides! I love my children but can’t imagine having to have them if I hadn’t really wanted them.

Don’t over think it, it’s not a sign or a gift. I would terminate and not look back.

I don’t think you really want an abortion. Surely you’d have gone ahead with the tablets weeks ago if you did. 12 weeks is late in the day for an abortion.
A relative of mine had an abortion in her late thirties and regrets it. She was in dire circumstances, When she got pregnant again in her forties and was still in terrible circumstances she wouldn’t even consider the abortion because of the regret she had after the first. You would have the added guilt of the baby being more developed now. If you opted for one now you’d probably be more like fourteen weeks.
I think very very few women have children and regret it. Far more regret abortions.
Children are bloody exhausting and life is different but the experience of motherhood and that love is worth more than a million foreign holidays and carefree evenings. It just is. Today I got up and I felt exhausted. Get back under the covers and don’t emerge until lunch exhausted but I’d promised my dd a trip out so I got up and we went. On the way back she put her head on my arm and said ‘I love you mummy’ and requested a ‘hug walk’. I literally felt suddenly amazing. It sounds super cheesy but there’s moments like that all the time when you have children.

How about adoption? I do understand it’s your choice and you say you have ruled it out but seriously, you are thinking of removing the opportunity for someone to have a life because ‘you don’t want to’ and adoption isn’t an option?! Surely it would remove the obligation from you but not be so final?

I will say, I have just had an unexpected child at 44. I do view it as a miracle as I was told unequivocally I couldn’t get pregnant after cancer treatment and hey presto, a healthy baby…

How did YOU feel when you saw the baby on the scan?

I am wondering why you went ahead with seeing the baby, because those looking seriously at termination would find it very difficult to do after seeing a fully formed baby being measured on the screen.

Having been through both experiences, I wonder why you didn't just take the tablets - why it needed so much thought - because you have the best part of thirty years to consider motherhood, and seem/seemed very fixed about your decision not to have children.

It feels like a gift - because it is a gift possibly? To you?

I support your decision and free choice, but I sense on some level you want this baby. Therefore pausing is correct.

I didn't want children, at all, and I now have two. Best thing I ever did. I can't imagine life without them now. You may have other ideas, and that is fine too

I am still reading and digesting all the comments; thank you.

I feel really detached from the pregnancy despite seeing the baby in the scan. It just feels surreal. Incredible to think what my body is doing, but also unbelievable.

A PP said to sit with the notion of being pregnant since termination didn’t feel right. We’ve done that for the last two weeks and I’ve tried to envisage my life in 6 months’ time and beyond, and tried to embrace the idea of motherhood. Maybe I thought something would ‘click’ inside and I’d feel excited or mildly enthusiastic! Yet I don’t. A tiny part of me is curious to have the experience of motherhood but by far the biggest part of me doesn’t.

And yes, knowing the stage of development of the baby makes it harder. Hence us going round in circles.

Again, I really appreciate the advice and insights.

Having a child is IMO the hardest thing you can ever do emotionally first and foremost and physically. If you have any doubts, which you clearly have I think you know the answer to your question. The problem is that you don’t know how you will feel for certain with either decision. Either way make sure you have support in place.

I’m an older Mum and I have just had my first much wanted baby. I delayed far too long because of a lifelong battle with anxiety. My anxiety has gone off the scale since having our baby. I love DD unconditionally and would do anything for her. I am so relieved that the bond is so strong. But the anxiety is very difficult to cope with and I am getting help with it. (I had mental health support during pregnancy too). The last thing I want is for my MH battles to effect her in any way.

If you start from a position of never wanting children I really don’t think you would know what had hit you if you have the baby and you need to be prepared for that. Having a baby is all consuming and you need to put everything into caring for that child from day one. The emotions and hormones surging through your body are unlike anything I’ve experienced before. At the same time you have to be prepared for the physical exhaustion and keep powering on through it all as your baby needs your love and care 24/7. In my case it is worth every minute of the difficult times but do you think you would feel this way? Would your child feel even a hint of not being wanted in the future? If so, this would be completely unfair on the child.

I feel for you as this is a very difficult decision. I think the only way to make the decision is by putting the child front and centre….being wanted is essential.
I sincerely send you my best wishes.

You obviously love your life currently - the one comment I would make is that one child can be absorbed more easily into your life as a couple, than two or more can. If that makes sense!

It's a hell of a commitment but a hell of a return.

Good luck OP - I think flipping the coin is a good way to try and establish how you really feel.

@nellly

There's no shame in aborting a pregnancy and not wanting kids. If you've gone 44 years consistently not wanting them it's unlikely you 'want' one now.

I second the poster who mentioned adoption. God knows it's not an easy option and not one I would normally suggest but if you want to continue the pregnancy but not have a child it give you peace knowing it was a wonderful gift... for someone else

Sorry you're in this dilemma.

I feel for you in this difficult position. I don't think people who don't share your belief in the spiritual can tell you so categorically to terminate.

I agree with the above re adoption - if you think you can deal with it on the emotional level.

I think subconsciously you're dithering so Time will take the decision out of your hands - which it will pretty soon. Isn't it better to take a deep breath and own it?

I don’t know what you should do but I’m surprised you’re so reluctant to terminate if you really don’t want a child.
I had a termination as a young adult and knew from before I got the positive test that was the right thing to do and have never regretted it for a single second.
You however seem less sure….

I never wanted kids and found myself pregnant at 34....l considered termination briefly as l was terrified - even the day l went i to labour l still wasn't sure.
Then she was born and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Obviously though you are the only ones that can decide but lnwish you all the best

Itsbeen84yearss most of what you have written is just not true in most cases. Many women have an abortion and feel nothing but relief. Many women have children and regret it - even while loving their children if they had the chance to go back in time they would have chosen not to have children.

I had a ds at 43.2.
Ds is an absolute joy.
Can't imagine not having him. Nowhere near the same circumstances as you op buy it is possible to have a healthy dc at an older age and not be burnt out at 50!!

Many women have children and regret it - even while loving their children if they had the chance to go back in time they would have chosen not to have children

Really?

anectodally somebody I know had a step son in his teens and 3 boys one after another. The last one most definately wasn't planned.

They get by, they have fun.

I was never that bothered about having a child and had a great life with my husband. I had my dd at 43 and my biggest fear was not feeling that love for her that everyone tells you you will feel.. I didn't understand that as I truly couldn't understand loving someone that much and the joy a child can bring till I actually had her and wow it hit me .. I love my life more now and yes there have been changes and yes some times have been hard but absolutely worth it to see her smile and laugh.. the choice is yours and only yours to make do what is right for you

NorthLodge, there are plenty of threads on here where women regret having children or would make different choices if they had their time again, even if they love their children.

I wouldn’t have the baby, OP, you don’t really want to be parents. 💐

I have not read all the other replies.

My take on it - you were sure you didn’t want children and happy with that reckon. At 44 the topic was very much done and dusted, decided long ago and you are now getting older and probably haven’t thought about it for some time. Any friends had babies a while back and you have moved on from the stage in your life where you considered it to be an option. Now though…you are unexpectedly pregnant and the fact that you chose not to take the pills to terminate the pregnancy makes me think that, whilst you were comfortable with your decision not to have children, now that you are faced with being pregnant you are either questioning that decision, or you are coming round to the idea that you may follow a different path.

I could be totally wrong!

There isn’t a right or wrong.

If you and your partner still feel that you 100% don’t want children then you have your answer.

My mum fell pregnant with me at 37. In those days that was pretty old. It wasn’t expected, and she had actually had a termination a few years before I was born because of her circumstances. She hadn’t planned for another baby but she too saw it as a sign, or in her words “an unexpected blessing” - so she chose to continue with the pregnancy and was so glad that she did.

It’s ok to stick with your original decision. But it’s also ok for you to change your mind.

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

I had a ds at 43.2. Ds is an absolute joy. Can't imagine not having him. Nowhere near the same circumstances as you op buy it is possible to have a healthy dc at an older age and not be burnt out at 50!!

This.

I had my DD at 43.

She is nearly 3 and will happily walk/run/scoot 3 miles so I have no excuse to rest on my laurels and not stay fit.

Incidentally you only get the horror stories on MN around pregnancy, birth and the first year. My birth was easy and my DD was boring for the first 5 months. Then she spoke her first word....

@NorthLodgeAvenue

Toss a coin to remove a living thing at 6 months ( aka 24 weeks)

Oh please, no.

Not toss a coin to make the decision, toss a coin to see how the result makes you feel!

Sounds to me like you're not sure you want an abortion.
How, after such a long time did you manage to get pregnant? Was it an "accidental" mistake?
I never wanted children either. Got pregnant late thirties. Having my child was without doubt the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. But the first 15 years are difficult make no mistake.

I would have been so deprived of love if I had missed out on my child.