12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

fuckingfabulous has a good idea. Which posts do you find yourself scrolling to? Or agreeing with?

Maybe life has thrown you a curve ball? Lots of people don't believe in something bigger, but you do. I'm amazed at all the posters so casually telling you to terminate. I'm 46 and my teens are the best things that ever happened to me. My sister is 44 and her toddlers are too. She's tired but blissfully happy. My third was a surprise and we love them to bits. You adapt your life and find new things that you enjoy, moments you never even knew existed, to replace the things you temporarily can't do.

Okay. Enough waffling. You need to make a decision and live with it, one way or the other.

Either you don't want children but just don't like to think of yourself as "someone who had a termination", or you have vague FOMO about the good stuff of children. In which case you should terminate. Or you do want to go ahead, on some level, and you think you could find it in you to make the sacrifices that go with having a child in exchange for the benefits. In which case, admit to yourself you're having a baby, and strap in. But enough spinning it out. And don't do it just because you're afraid of missing out on the "but children are supposed to be great!" stuff. Children are great. But they will explode everything that was easy and fun about your life, and quite possibly fuck up your body and your marriage bigtime on the way.

I don't have an agenda in this, other than hoping you make the right decision for you. I don't think any of us do, although we can't help bringing our own biases and self-justifications to it. But you seem stuck. On one hand you've said clearly and repeatedly that you don't want children. On the other, you have refused to pull the trigger. This situation does not lend itself to being spun out any further. Is "we don't want children" actually true? Or not?

@Katyy

Your middle aged. You’ll struggle with a baby. I was 40 when my oldest was a late teen, it was very hard work. If you’ve got to 44, and 12 weeks pregnant and still unsure, you do not want a baby. Please seek more help quickly. Take care.

I totally disagree here, I am 57 with two younger teens and it is great. There are pros and cons at whatever age you have a baby.

OP I do wonder as you have left it past 12 weeks, whether that in itself is your decision ? The fact that women now do have the choice of termination brings its own complications. It is one thing saying in the abstract when not pregnant that you don’t want a child, another thing entirely when you already have a baby inside you.

All the dithering suggests to me that perhaps you do actually want this baby, (but maybe your husband does not?) . And that is worrying me as the friends I have who terminated as soon as they could, sure of their decision, coped with it well. The ones who dithered and then had a termination because they felt they should, were the ones who did not.
So search your heart for what you want to do for you, not your husband, not anyone else at all, just what do you want to do ? This is your body.

Struggling at middle aged. Just fucking wow...

It's a tough one. Your questions are spot on.

On one hand, having a baby when you do not want a child does not make sense, on the other hand, you sound like you're kinda keen on the idea of having a child - not by logic but emotionally. I don't know which one I would choose, I just wish whatever choice you end up making, will be the best one for you. Warm wishes and positive energy to you!

@Katyy

Your middle aged. You’ll struggle with a baby. I was 40 when my oldest was a late teen, it was very hard work. If you’ve got to 44, and 12 weeks pregnant and still unsure, you do not want a baby. Please seek more help quickly. Take care.

What utter bollocks. I and many of my friends have had babies at 40 or over and haven’t struggled in the least. I have loved being an older Mum OP, I hope you will have the same joy.

Telling the OP she'll struggle with a baby because she's 'middle aged' is a load of old rubbish.

Some of the most active, engaging and enthusiastic mum's I know have been older mum's.

My DM had me at 40, she's 67 now and still full of energy with her grandkids.

Its a bit insulting to imply that the OP is past it, she's only bloody 44.

It’s fine to have an abortion and it’s fine to change your mind about never wanting kids.
Whatever you choose is completely fine.
You won’t struggle with a baby because of your age, you might because it was never your plan.
You may find it a breeze because you might love it.
My post is probably very unhelpful because ultimately, it’s such an unknown and you have to make a decision that feels right for the both of you.

Good luck.

It's a gift for someone.

You can't judge yet 100% because you've never had a child so however much you try to conjecture, you can't say for sure you wouldn't want your child.

Personally I think parenthood is a rite of passage and learning, as well as bringing a lot of joy, but that's just my experience.

I'd say have the baby and have her or him adopted. Or hedge your bets.

Having a child now will open up a whole world of new experience for you. But of course your choice of you want to just stick with what you know.

It's a huge decision, yes, to shit the door forever on that world. So yes, I think you're lucky just to have the choice.

Telling the OP she'll struggle with a baby because she's 'middle aged' is a load of old rubbish.

Yes and this. Total bollocks.

44 isn't middle aged either.

The whole concept of middle aged is defeatist.

Having a child will keep you younger longer, not make you older. Having an abortion will take its toll as well. It's no soft option.

I've had a young child in my 40s and it's pure delight. Every day. But that's just me.

Truth is, none of us know where on the spectrum of various possibilities we'll end up. Some of us have disabled children whose care needs don't reduce with age, some of us find the teenage years far, far more demanding than babyhood, some of us will be unlucky and develop conditions that do impact upon our energy or mobility, and some of us will become single parents unexpectedly.

Think the point is to avoid making life-changing decision with optimism bias. Mull over all these scenario, not just the rose-tinted ones. Talk to parents in a range of circumstances about the realities of their lives.

Exploring options with a counsellor sounds a good shout. I hope you find a path you are at peace with.

Op, if you don't want a baby, please don't feel like you have to have one. Especially as older parents to an extremely likely to be only child, this could create a very isolating, lonely existence for a human being who never asked to be born. In your position I'd 100% terminate. You've said yourself you want to remain child-free, and you have the right to make that choice. I say this as a mum of two very much wanted, very well behaved, lovely, fantastic children, who still drive me to insanity most days, and make me daydream about my pre child life often! Love the bones of them, and have never regretted having children, but it still outs huge strains of every aspect of your existence, and if not longed for, I can see how resentment could kick in. Especially at your age (sorry not in a negative way!) But you've had a long stint of blissful child free adulthood, the sudden shock of sleepless nights, screaming baby, nappies, softplay, school runs would be a hard adjustment. I had my children in my mid/late 20's, so had only really been doing the child-free life for a handful of years, so adjusted quickly to the new way of doing things, still miss the old ways though! Plus our parents are still active enough to take them for sleepovers to give us a much needed break. would you have lots of hands on, actively involved, family support?.... This is crucial. Think about this carefully... This baby/child/human needs so much more than just being born into this world. A lifetime of unconditional, love, support, guidance, and feeling of belonging will all be required of you, as the mother and father.

I meant SHUT the door. 🙈

I think a lot of the arguments here are just about whether to have kids or not, not particularly specific to the OP at 44. I think the significance of her situation is that it's her only chance now. Presumably that's why she's feeling uncertain. It's a life-changing decision both ways. And no child 'asks to be born'. It really is just up to you.

I'm so surprised by how many people saying she will (a) basically change her mind about wanting a baby when it arrives (b) telling her how much better life is with children and she will gain "experiences" and (c) just to have it adopted

No-one should bring a child into the world as some sort of selfish experiment to see if they would love it when it arrives or as a means to enrich their own life experience. Equally no-one should bring a child into the world with adoption as the solution to them not being truly wanted by their parents unless that really is the only option.

If you read OPs actual posts it's clear she doesn't want children but seems to feel guilty about that decision. An abortion is a big decision but it's certainly not one to feel guilty about if it's the right one. Not wanting to be a mother is about the best reason I can think of!

@Katyy

Your middle aged. You’ll struggle with a baby. I was 40 when my oldest was a late teen, it was very hard work. If you’ve got to 44, and 12 weeks pregnant and still unsure, you do not want a baby. Please seek more help quickly. Take care.

You struggle.

Myself at 46 with a nearly 3 year old doesn't.

I know women who were older than me when they had toddlers -only or last child - who didn't.

Not all people are the same.

@peppapigfangirl

I'm so surprised by how many people saying she will (a) basically change her mind about wanting a baby when it arrives (b) telling her how much better life is with children and she will gain "experiences" and (c) just to have it adopted

No-one should bring a child into the world as some sort of selfish experiment to see if they would love it when it arrives or as a means to enrich their own life experience. Equally no-one should bring a child into the world with adoption as the solution to them not being truly wanted by their parents unless that really is the only option.

If you read OPs actual posts it's clear she doesn't want children but seems to feel guilty about that decision. An abortion is a big decision but it's certainly not one to feel guilty about if it's the right one. Not wanting to be a mother is about the best reason I can think of!

Absolutely agree with all of this.

I just wanted to add that I was in this exact predicament earlier in the year and it tore me apart agonising over it. In the end I stuck with what I had always known about myself, that I didn’t want a child, and although the process was incredibly difficult (and I was quite a bit earlier) a couple of months down the line I’m feeling back to my old self.

Redmaurauder
What I ment was you may not struggle with a baby but when your mid 60s you might struggle with a teenager. Their a different ball game altogether.

What I ment was you may not struggle with a baby but when your mid 60s you might struggle with a teenager. Their a different ball game altogether.

I had my DC in my late 30s and early 40s after years of not wanting children. I did not enjoy pregnancy or babies (can't say I was any more exhausted than younger women though) but once they were house trained I enjoyed parenthood much more and am finding the teenage years much more fun. Every parent and child is different, it's impossible to extrapolate from your or my situation to the OPs.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

Wanting to be a parent is not logical, there is never a good time to do it and pregnancy can still be dangerous for the mother, causing lifelong injuries or even death. And yet so many of us do it and when you had the tools to make the logical choice you didn't do it. What does your heart say?

I’m not going to give an opinion because it’s just too much of a personal opinion, however!
To all those posters who say age doesn’t make a difference and you’re all full of energy at late 40s, 50s, please tell me your secret? I’m late 40s with perimenopause symptoms and struggling. I just couldn’t cope looking after a small child full time (properly).
Desperate to get my sleep and energy back.

@Katyy

Redmaurauder What I ment was you may not struggle with a baby but when your mid 60s you might struggle with a teenager. Their a different ball game altogether.

I just go and ask the older women I know with teenagers.

Keep digging....

@RedMarauder

Not all people are the same.

I'm with you here. Having a young child in my 40s has only been energising and rewarding. I have more patience than in my 20s. I'm more aware of and in touch with my body. I see the connection between mother and child as two-way, and I love the teaching and nurturing aspect, and the close and simple love, and joy.

It's an antidote to perimenopause. It actually helps.

In my humble opinion.