12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

I will answer the question my way. I think you would be chickening out and I think your pragmatism now would lead to boredom, stagnation and missing out later on. If you don't have the child, all you have to look forward to is a peaceful retirement. If you have the child, you'll be tumbled into a totally different and very refreshing world. Despite yourselves.

I am for.

@jozipozi31

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

I will answer the question my way. I think you would be chickening out and I think your pragmatism now would lead to boredom, stagnation and missing out later on. If you don't have the child, all you have to look forward to is a peaceful retirement. If you have the child, you'll be tumbled into a totally different and very refreshing world. Despite yourselves.

I am for.

I'm sorry but what on earth do you mean? How is it chickening out? How is not having children choosing a lesser life or a slow march to an unfulfilling retirement. It's so wildly inaccurate and based on nothing but pro-life romantic ideas of what being a parent is. To steal a phrase- SOME PEOPLE DONT WANT CHILDREN, GET OVER IT.

OP this post has been hijacked by pro-lifers masquerading as concern for your future life choices. It seems you've already stopped engaging with the thread which is definitely a good thing as I can imagine this sort of nonsense and would be highly confusing for you right now.

How are you getting on OP?

I get what some posters are saying.

Retirement will look very different, if you have a child, perhaps a teen by then and the possibility of grandchildren and marriages and a young family of your own to enjoy and visit and be a part of. Otherwise it is likely just to the two of you growing old together.
Many/most older people cherish their families, and adult children as they age. You won't always have parents and older family around, so to be able to create your own family is very important for many people, and in older age is a factor.

F

Let's be honest, there are opportunity costs both ways. Yes, if you remain childless you won't have a younger generation (although you can't make an assumptions they will be around for you).

But equally, by having a family you won't have the same freedom to travel, more of your income will be consumed in housing/childcare costs, your adult relationships may change, and you'll lose the headspace that does all of the emotional and practical labour associated with childcare. Some remarkable women write novels whilst caring for children, but the whole Cyril Connelly thing about the pram in the hallway being the enemy of creativity reflects something real. Who knows whether the OP has a novel to write; the point is that real women have real choices - none of them wrong, but please let's not pretend there aren't trade-offs.

Leave the woo out of your decision. To believe it's some sort of gift or message, meas that you gave to believe something sentient decided you should have a child. And also that same sentient being also decides to sometimes deny people who really want children that opportunity. And to send babies to drug addicts, abusers, terrible people, regardless of the fate of those children. Do you really think that? What sort of messages are those?

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

Leave the woo out of your decision. To believe it's some sort of gift or message, meas that you gave to believe something sentient decided you should have a child. And also that same sentient being also decides to sometimes deny people who really want children that opportunity. And to send babies to drug addicts, abusers, terrible people, regardless of the fate of those children. Do you really think that? What sort of messages are those?

I don’t think you get to criticise or judge someone else’s belief system . Nor what values they use to lead their lives.

The Ops situation has nothing to do with anyone’s else’s infertility or abused children . She’s not responsible for any of that so please stop trying to guilt trip her.

She only has to decide what she wants for herself and her baby. That’s all. That’s quite enough.

If you want to help abused kids, there are plenty charities that do that. Go and fundraiser or volunteer for them and don’t berate pregnant women online supposedly in their name.

@stepupandbecounted

I get what some posters are saying.

Retirement will look very different, if you have a child, perhaps a teen by then and the possibility of grandchildren and marriages and a young family of your own to enjoy and visit and be a part of. Otherwise it is likely just to the two of you growing old together.
Many/most older people cherish their families, and adult children as they age. You won't always have parents and older family around, so to be able to create your own family is very important for many people, and in older age is a factor.

Having children to entertain you when you're old is utterly and completely selfish. No-one has any guarantees of anything- they may not have children who want to be with them or spend time with them, the children may move to Australia and never come back, they themselves may be hit by a bus at age 60....having children because of some romantic or idealised notion of what they may or may not bring you in retirement is ridiculous. You should only ever have children if you want to do all the bits before they reach adulthood too because those are the bits you can guarantee- the sleepless nights, the sacrifice and the compromise. Yes it's a joy but I'm not sure how much of a joy it would be to someone who doesn't want children in the first place.

That's not guilt tripping. It's trying to help someone, who stated she is not religious, get past a feeling that there is any more to this than biology.

If she'd said she was religious, then I would not have said this.

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

That's not guilt tripping. It's trying to help someone, who stated she is not religious, get past a feeling that there is any more to this than biology.

If she'd said she was religious, then I would not have said this.

Yes - I thought PP was just making the point that distribution of pregnancies is down to biological chance and doesn't automatically result in happy endings. Seems fair enough?

The op posted 6 times on the first day , and nothing since so not sure if she is even following it now.

This is from the Ops first post

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us

People are allowed to have their own world view, to have ethics and values, to consider spiritual issue even if they don’t think of themselves as religious. It’s not up to anyone else to tell them otherwise.

“Leave out the woo “ is just plain rude .

I am still reading the comments and finding different perspectives useful.

OP please go and get proper counselling.

@RedMarauder we have had several counseling sessions

Hi @Floofypants, as someone who didn't want kids until it was nearly too late, then had multiple miscarriages followed at the 11th hour by a miracle DS, I think your continuing delay to decide on a termination quite possibly tells you and your DH everything you need to know. Even if acknowledging that, even to yourselves, is very difficult...and frankly damned scary.

Yes your life would be very different with a child in it, but that's all it would be - different to what you had imagined; it won't be worse or better than your hypothetical life without a child in it, simply because you can't know what will happen or how good your life would be in either case.

I am fully pro-choice, so not trying to persuade you either way. I wish you all the best in making a decision and in whatever happens as a result .

Hope you're doing OK, OP? Not an easy place to be, but am sure a way forward will emerge that you and your partner will at least feel reconciled with.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share a reflection I had this week?! Full disclosure, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby, conceived easily but very intentionally.

I saw a thing online the other day with reference to the current Texas abortion situation, and someone had commented that as a heavily pregnant woman, most expect this to make her more pro-life, when in fact she said the opposite was true, and she'd become much more pro-choice.

That really resounded with me - I've had generally what would be classed as a good pregnancy, though I now can't sleep, can't get comfortable, have pain in my hips when I walk or move, have constant heartburn, stretch marks, cramps, swelling, exhaustion... and that's before the baby is even here. It isn't easy and is a huge strain on your body - but I unequivocally do want a child and so to me it's worth it, even when I'm really struggling. I wouldn't want anyone to go through it without being sure it's what they want.

OP I was thinking, all these perspectives are all just other people's, yours (and your partners) are the only ones that matter. Could you do something that would normally be relaxing- maybe get out in nature for a walk or picnic, see animals, have a bath,face mask etc, put music on, whatever does it for you? When you relax it might be easier to get in touch with how you really feel about the situation, what matters most for you. Hope things feel clearer soon.

I think, by delaying and asking if this is a sign, you've already made your decision OP but perhaps are too afraid to admit you have decided to keep it because it's thrown all your plans into disarray and has rocked your foundations?
You were adamant you didn't want kids but now you aren't so sure. You might even have to deal with embarrassment if you keep it because it wasn't expected of you.
But what do I know
But put it this way, the Internet can't tell you if this is the right thing for you. Just ask yourself some deep questions. What do you want now that this has happened? Try and free yourself from the "what ifs", "what will so and so think", "what might happen if" stuff.

I think not wanting children and having an abortion are two different things, as evidenced here. You can perfectly well not want to have kids but when you fall unexpectedly pregnant, you don't feel able to move forward with an abortion, or it makes you face a "what if" moment.

There is no wrong or right choice. The fact that you are dithering so much suggests that you really aren't sure about having an abortion and you need to explore and understand your feelings to be sure that you are at peace with your decision, whatever it may be.

But I wouldn't leave it much longer if termination is your choice. It may be legal until 24wk but personally I couldn't have an abortion at 24wk. Some babies have been born earlier and survived. Each passing week makes it harder so while it's hard to make the right decision under pressure, you really do need to make up your mind.

How are you getting on @Floofypants?

I guess you've made your decision by now , whatever it was , hope your ok.