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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

253 replies

Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:16

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/08/2021 11:20

It's not a gift It's an accidental pregnancy. You don't want a child so you need to have an abortion for the child's sake as well as your own. Don't muddy the waters by thinking It's a sign/something bigger than you etc. It isn't.

SpaceBethSmith · 30/08/2021 11:22

Your reasons are valid, and I wouldn’t advise becoming a parent when you don’t want to.

cultkid · 30/08/2021 11:22

That's a heavy handed response rose

I love all my children so much, I didn't realise how much I would love them until I was born

I can't answer your question.. but having kids is amazing

Original poster
Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:22

Thank you @pinkyredrose, straight talking is very helpful!

OP posts:
Treezan82 · 30/08/2021 11:23

Like you say, no one can make a decision for you. Personally I would choose possible abortion regret over possibly regretting having a child. The former effects you, the latter effects you and the child in ways that are profound and destructive. Accidental pregnancies happen all the time at various ages - I don't think planned or unplanned is relevant, what is relevant is wanted or unwanted. You clearly stated you don't want a child. So I can't see why you would have one, personally. But maybe you do really want it, only you can decide.

DragonMamma · 30/08/2021 11:23

Nobody has to go through with a pregnancy they don’t want.

If you don’t want a child but don’t want to terminate, have you considered putting the child up for adoption instead?

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/08/2021 11:25

I don't think it's helpful to try to frame your situation as a gift from the universe, or a sign. You could equally frame it as a negative thing, if that's how you felt about it. You're projecting your conflicted feelings.

You've said that you don't want a child. You don't want to parent a child or have your lives significantly changed. That's all totally reasonable. No child should have to be brought up by parents who don't want it. Only you and your partner can really know how you would feel towards this potential child, would you always feel resentful and sad, or do you think there's a realistic chance of your feelings changing?

Simply not wanting to have a child/be a parent is an absolutely valid reason for choosing a termination. It's your body and your choice.

Original poster
Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:25

Thanks @SpaceBethSmith, also helpful.

@cultkid that’s part of the dilemma. If we terminate we miss out on that amazing connection and love parents talk about. But then what if we don’t feel that way? Will never know how it could go which is what makes it so hard. Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 30/08/2021 11:25

What a very difficult situation to be in.

I have worked with someone in a situation very much like your own a few years ago.

After a great deal of soul searching they decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and for their baby to be adopted.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 30/08/2021 11:26

If you've never wanted children or to be an older mother then I would terminate but sooner rather than later. The guilt will always be there but having a child you never wanted would be worse.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/08/2021 11:26

@pinkyredrose

It's not a gift It's an accidental pregnancy. You don't want a child so you need to have an abortion for the child's sake as well as your own. Don't muddy the waters by thinking It's a sign/something bigger than you etc. It isn't.
It's bluntly put, but... This.

Your body did what it does when there is sperm hanging around. That's not a "sign". It's just biology with a side helping of chance.

You don't want a child. That is the important thing here. It is the single and only reason not to go ahead with a pregnancy. Don't muddy the waters with mysticism. Nobody is trying to tell you anything, much less the universe.

The only reason to go ahead is because you want to become parents. If you don't want to, FGS don't.

Sisterlyadvice · 30/08/2021 11:27

For what it's worth, we - like you - always knew 100% we didn't want a child so when I accidentally fell pregnant at 32 I didn't hesitate to have an abortion. I have not once, ever regretted the decision. It's done the 'done' thing to say it but not everyone regrets it, some people just see it as dodging a major bullet. I'm grateful every day that I had that option open to me and could take it.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/08/2021 11:28

@kaleidoscopeheartless

If you've never wanted children or to be an older mother then I would terminate but sooner rather than later. The guilt will always be there but having a child you never wanted would be worse.
Just to say that guilt isn't an inevitable reaction to a wanted abortion. The most common emotion reported by women is relief. It's your choice. There's no need to feel guilt either way.
loafcake · 30/08/2021 11:28

It's okay to not be able to terminate a pregnancy, even if you don't want a child. However, the reason that you both don't want a child is absolutely reason enough!
I agree you would be opening whole new cans of worms by adding in the ethical/spiritual/etc views and feelings, try and focus on you and your partner only.

How would you feel about carrying to term and adoption?
Don't forget to account for physical changes you personally will go through and carry for life, as well as the mental ones.
It's a very hard choice, and unfortunately really is one you will have to make yourself.

I definitely suggest talking to a licensed professional and whose been trained to help you find the right answer for you!

Original poster
Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:29

Wow thanks everyone for all the replies and perspectives. So helpful to get the outside view without us muddying the water.

Appreciate all your thoughts.

OP posts:
PumpkinPatch21 · 30/08/2021 11:30

Please don't bring a child into the world if you don't want too. Your reasons are completely valid OP. Thanks

StoatMilk · 30/08/2021 11:31

@cultkid

That's a heavy handed response rose

I love all my children so much, I didn't realise how much I would love them until I was born

I can't answer your question.. but having kids is amazing

This
nellly · 30/08/2021 11:31

There's no shame in aborting a pregnancy and not wanting kids. If you've gone 44 years consistently not wanting them it's unlikely you 'want' one now.

I second the poster who mentioned adoption. God knows it's not an easy option and not one I would normally suggest but if you want to continue the pregnancy but not have a child it give you peace knowing it was a wonderful gift... for someone else

Sorry you're in this dilemma. Thanks

GoWalkabout · 30/08/2021 11:31

You sound like you are both taking a really measured and thoughtful approach. I think you should take the view there is no right or wrong here, just different directions - there will be joy and regret in both choices (imagine the times you will feel so glad you chose what you did, and the times you will wonder what if). Its an event of simple biology, that you could choose to see as a push towards a life you didn't plan (if a baby was abandoned on your doorstep would you apply to adopt it?) Having a baby at a later stage and without having planned to do so would certainly be a bit of an earthquake. Good luck whatever you decide and I think you will be ok whatever you choose because you are being true to yourselves and each other.

WaterBottle123 · 30/08/2021 11:31

Having children is ridiculously hard, draining and fucks up most areas of your life to some degree. Your finances, health, social life etc. It's EXHAUSTING.

Don't do it unless it's something you desperately want. And at 44 you're likely to struggle massively with energy levels. I had mine at 30 and 33 and barely made it through the early years sane.

It absolutely IS NOT A SIGN. It's your peri-menopausal body having one lady shout.

Wishing you peace with your decision.

Original poster
Floofypants · 30/08/2021 11:31

For those who asked, we ruled out adoption straight away for a range of reasons and I still feel very sure about that.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 30/08/2021 11:32

As you've never wanted children, I think you are over analysing. Its not a gift if you don't want it, and don't romanticize parenthood, its hard bloody work and changes everything in your life, somethings for better, some worse. I had my one and only at 32, I really wouldn't have fancied pregnancy at 44, and now I'm 52 I really wouldn't be thrilled at the prospect of going through the teenage years. But its a decision only you can make.

Twizbe · 30/08/2021 11:32

Like others have said, if you don't want a child that's reason enough to abort. I think you are muddying the waters with all this talk of signs. I think really you wanted there to be a problem or to miscarry so you didn't have to choose. It's ok to feel like that.

I often hear people saying you never regret having a child but might regret an abortion - that bollocks! Plenty of people regret having children, plenty of women never regret having an abortion.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 11:36

You’re quite clear about not wanting a child. The ‘universe’ isn’t handing you a gift, it’s just an unplanned biological event that doesn’t have to have permanent consequences. Not wanting to continue a pregnancy is the best possible reason to terminate it. Agree with pps that post-termination guilt is far from inevitable. Good luck with the decision.

ManifestDestinee · 30/08/2021 11:36

Somehting you don't want is not a gift, it's a burden. You say you've never wanted kids. You say you don't want one now. So what really is there to think about?
There is no ethical or spiritual side to things, other than to realise that ethically, every child should be a wanted child. You don't want it, and that's enough.

Having a baby is hard. Very very hard. It can overwhelm you even when you wanted it more than anything else. If you never wanted it, I can't imagine doing it at all.