12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

How would you feel if your child turns out to be disabled or have significant challenges (autism or ADHD for example)? Are you ready and willing to spend your life to prioritize someone else's needs, whatever they turn out to be?

Christ. As the parent of an autistic child that is so fucking offensive. It's not something that should be thrown in as a consideration designed to swing the pendulum in the direction of abortion.

Isn’t it getting a bit close to the mark for when you can abort a healthy fetus?

Not sure waiting a few weeks to decide is the best option.

Whenever I struggle to make a decision I go with this trick someone taught me. Imagine I told you I was going to toss a coin, heads keep the baby, tails abortion. I flip the coin and it’s up in the air, what are you hoping it lands on? Don’t think about it, just answer the first thing you thought of. That’s what you really need to do

Don't do it unless it's something you desperately want. And at 44 you're likely to struggle massively with energy levels. I had mine at 30 and 33 and barely made it through the early years sane.

This. In your shoes OP I wouldn't go through with it. And also remember the screening doesn't pick up everything. My friend had a baby age 42 and that child has severe autism, is non verbal, and requires 24 7 care and will never be independent, or be able to live independently. It is such hard work for them I can't even begin to explain

I was about to say something similar to @Depolo

Toss a coin. Not as (literally) flippant as it sounds.

Rather than think about which answer you want when it's in the air, or as well, note the feeling when you see the coin land.

Are you relieved? Excited? Does the mood drain?

This is how you actually feel.

@Nosuchthingas

How would you feel if your child turns out to be disabled or have significant challenges (autism or ADHD for example)? Are you ready and willing to spend your life to prioritize someone else's needs, whatever they turn out to be?

Christ. As the parent of an autistic child that is so fucking offensive. It's not something that should be thrown in as a consideration designed to swing the pendulum in the direction of abortion.

Same. DS has ADHD and its a bit trickier, for sure, BUT he's the most loving cuddly affectionate funniest child on the planet and is so easy to love.

Well you’re getting to the point where the longer you wait you’re going to have a child.
If you don’t want to terminate then you will have a child.

You can give the baby up for adoption if you really feel that you don’t want to be a parent.

Even though you're pregnant, you still say you don't want a child and you've been to get tablets to terminate. To me, this is a no-brainer. If you're going to terminate, you need to do it asap. Don't feel guilty, you're not the first woman to have an accidental pregnancy. Nobody will judge you.

@Nosuchthingas

How would you feel if your child turns out to be disabled or have significant challenges (autism or ADHD for example)? Are you ready and willing to spend your life to prioritize someone else's needs, whatever they turn out to be?

Christ. As the parent of an autistic child that is so fucking offensive. It's not something that should be thrown in as a consideration designed to swing the pendulum in the direction of abortion.

As the parent of an autistic child, I don't find it offensive in the slightest. It's hard work, and something a lot of people wouldn't want to take on. If I'd have known my child was going to be born with autism, then I'd have probably not continued the pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but I worry immensely about her future and how she'll survive without me. Fortunately she was born when I was very young, so I'll (hopefully) be around for most of her life. I couldn't imagine having her in my mid-40s.

@Nosuchthingas

How would you feel if your child turns out to be disabled or have significant challenges (autism or ADHD for example)? Are you ready and willing to spend your life to prioritize someone else's needs, whatever they turn out to be?

Christ. As the parent of an autistic child that is so fucking offensive. It's not something that should be thrown in as a consideration designed to swing the pendulum in the direction of abortion.

I completely agree and can so clearly see why this is offensive to you and other parents of autistic children.

My friend had a baby age 42 and that child has severe autism, is non verbal, and requires 24 7 care and will never be independent, or be able to live independently. It is such hard work for them I can't even begin to explain

So do you think then, if your friend could turn back time hypothetically and with the benefit of foresight.. would have chosen to abort?

My severely autistic child is sat next to me as I type this, and what i will say is that (like PP) whilst it's certainly no walk in the park.. my life is much richer thanks to his existence.

Thank fuck nobody within my social circle IRL thinks along the lines of so many MNers. It's so upsetting to read.

Disabled baby? Meh just abort it.

Heartless, selfish.

Not you OP. I know you haven't said anything of the sort.

The only thing I will say is you mention ‘the love parents talk about’ and all that but you’ve lived happily for 44 years without that, I’m sure you could do another 44 just fine to.

As you well know, there is more to life than parenthood and it’s equally as rewarding if that’s the life you choose.

I think you need counselling, OP.. Both of you.

You immediately ruled out termination and adoption, yet are adamant that you both don't want a child.

You are currently pregnant with a child. It's not going to raise itself. It will need unconditional love and attention, and a huge percentage of your time and resources. Your lives will be changed forever going forward. If you don't want to provide these things and have your lives changed forever for a child, please have an abortion. It's not fair to the child if you don't; no child wants to grow up knowing and feeling they were unwanted, and it's hard to hide those feelings.

I havnt RTFT, but I wanted to say if you decide to keep this baby do it for the right reasons not because you feel you have to. I know several people who were kept by parents who never wanted children, they all had horrible upbringings, not abusive but they knew they weren’t wanted.

Having a baby is hard work especially at your age so unless you are really certain you want this baby then dont keep it, you have options and not just abortion.

I think your looking at this in the right way, there is no need to terminate just because you don’t want the baby. The world is full of people who want children and to adopt. If you don’t want to terminate or keep the baby then you could give another couple a chance of having a baby.

@Nosuchthingas don't take others' feelings as a judgement of your decisions.

My friend has a son with down syndrome and I know he brings her a lot of joy. but she's married, with that support. I'm a single parent and my second son has pathalogical demand avoidance syndrome which is a mild disability in terms of what he can't do. He can do anything EXCEPT be guided by me. He does exactly what he wants and he does and now at 15 he is refusing to go to back to school and he won't listen to me. He shouts at me and does what he wants (playing games online). He's a foot taller than I am and I have another child to consider and standing up to him isn't easy or safe.

I do love him but my life would be better if I hadn't had him.

The only reason to have a child given all the sacrifice and effort it requires is a true and deep desire to be a parent. If you don't want a child then don't have a child. Park aside the universe and signs.
I would start with trying to detail what exactly puts you off being a parent and see the exact impact and how it would make you feel. List all the pros (if you can think of any) and look at the total picture.

@Nosuchthingas every body is different. It is perfectly ok for a woman to feel that she doesn't have the emotional, physical or financial resources to raise a disabled child.

It's also ok for a woman to feel she does have those resources.

It's also ok to regret a child, or to think you'd chose a different path in hindsight.

Whether a woman finds herself in one of the above situations has no bearing on your situation.

I can chose for me, you chose for you and neither of us can or should chose for the other.

@Nosuchthingas also, if it's selfish to want to eke out a bit of freedom in the one and only life I'll be having then I'm ''selfish''. I'm already worried that my son won't leave home. He thrashes around this house like it's his house and I'm in his way, annoying him, inconveniencing him. URGH

Just another perspective, but I was really unsure about having kids, like really unsure but went ahead anyway, I guess part of me was curious and it seemed like the next thing to do. Yeah, I know crap reasons!
Well, I was blown away by it, it was amazing. What I hadn’t appreciated when looking at parents mired in drudgery, was the love and bond that came with it. Very glad I’ve experienced parenthood. Nos 2 and 3 definitely up the drudgery quotient, but I think research shows just one does up people’s happiness levels - in general. But you’ll never know for sure in advance. Difficult decision. I’ve had an abortion too and don’t regret that either.

I am 34 Newley 35 so maybe a bit different but also never wanted children yet here I am. When I first found out I was broken. I was going to have a termination too but then I just felt so torn. I changed my mind and I now feel bonded to this baby and I’m ready for my life to be different. I never would do chosen this but my friend has just lost a baby at full term and I feel It is a blessing to have a healthy baby.

@Floofypants

Thanks *@SpaceBethSmith*, also helpful.

@cultkid that’s part of the dilemma. If we terminate we miss out on that amazing connection and love parents talk about. But then what if we don’t feel that way? Will never know how it could go which is what makes it so hard. Thank you for replying.

Oh, you WILL feel it. You're not monsters.

It's just that feeling the amazing love doesn't make it easy. It doesn't make it no big deal. It doesn't mean that you're not losing freedom. I t doesn't mean that your lives won't change a lot.

If you have the baby, you'll love it.

The issue is whether or not you will still love our lives when it revolves around a baby.

And it will, for a while anyway.

For me personally it would be a gift, I never wanted kids. I was the least maternal person ever and I still don't like other people's kids! But mine are amazing, there is no love like it and I'm thankful for mine everyday.

So do you think then, if your friend could turn back time hypothetically and with the benefit of foresight.. would have chosen to abort

Yes she would, she has openly admitted it.

If you’ve never wanted a child you’re unlikely to find your feelings change once you’ve got a toddler keeping you up all night with earache and putting sticky fingers all over your beautiful home.

Only you know if holidays, a tidy home, lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed until noon and a healthy bank balance outweigh the love you’d get from a baby.

A termination is an easy option if you feel you could cope with it mentally. A child will be your sole responsibility for the next 18 years. You’ll be in your 60’s before you regain your freedoms. Nobody will judge you either way.

I hope you make the right choice for you

I was born to a mother who didn't want kids and it was a miserable childhood. She made it very clear I wasn't wanted and that has stayed with me to this day. I'm not for a second saying you would make the kid feel this way, but kids can pick up on resentment from the parents of a life "ruined" as my mother often put it. That's all I can add.

I hope you come to a decision and feel at peace with it. Good luck.