12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

If you're struggling to choose between two options in life, I've usually found it's because those options are fairly evenly weighted in the mind of the person making the decision - if one choice obviously seemed way better than the other, you'd have made that choice straight away without having to give it Abby thought.

My thinking has always been this: there's no such thing as the wrong choice. Sure, you may look back in hindsight and imagine an idealised version of whatever choices you didn't make in life, bit really you have no idea if that would have been your life. Every path you'll ever take in life has good bits and bad bits. There's no wrong option. All you can do is make the decision that feels best to you, and leave the other path behind. Best of luck to you.

For the posters saying somewhat glibly that the OP could have the baby adopted - it’s not that straightforward in the UK. In the US, yes, there is a culture of newborns going for straightforward adoption (partly as there’s still considerable opposition to abortion in many areas), but here it is not as easy to sort and the baby would potentially go into foster care first, then be adopted.

OP, if you have the baby you will love it, of course, don’t worry about that. But you will be exhausted and lose your freedom that you love now. If you want to keep that, there is no shame in aborting. I would do it soon though, just to make the procedure as less traumatic as possible.

@guysecretan101

I believe abortion is kind of distasteful myself I don't think people should be so casual about it. It should be only used as a last resort in my view. Can I ask why you don't want children?

But not as distateful as women being made to endure unwanted pregnancies, Guy?

You haven't terminated because you don't want to. You coukd have done this weeks ago. Baby is now growing with a heart beat and you've seen it. I think you made your decision already. You'll have moments of regret but they will be massively outweighed by the moments of joy and proudness and the tough part is usually brief.

I believe abortion is kind of distasteful myself I don't think people should be so casual about it. It should be only used as a last resort in my view. Can I ask why you don't want children?

I believe quizzing women on why they do or don't want children is distasteful. I also believe any woman being forced to continue a pregnancy she didn't want because some randoms find it distasteful is disgraceful. Not like you're going to support all those unwanted kids is it?

I'm very pro-choice, but I don't think OP seems certain enough to have an abortion.

I think an abortion is what you have when you're certain that it's the right thing to do. If you're really struggling with the decision I think accepting what's happened is the right thing. But I can see how that is a passive strategy.

But they will love the baby! It's just not the life they'd planned. But in a financially stable couple they can still talk about what's important to them. Share the sacrifices. Share the freedoms. Share the care.

It's totally different for a much younger woman facing this journey alone, or perhaps after she's already got her youngest to school and is finally able to claw back a bit of independence and freedom to earn.

Can I ask why you don't want children?

I can't believe you asked that.

I do sympathise with your predicament but I think you've been irresponsible in assuming the decision to terminate the pregnancy would be taken out of your hands. You've allowed it to go past an important milestone of development that, for most of us, would be a point of no return given that there seem to be no catastrophic health implication in completing the gestation for you or your baby. Given this, I wonder wether you have ruled out adoption for ill-thought out reasons too. That question is for you to consider and you are under no obligation to spell them out on MN. I wonder if is just that you are worried you would not be able to part with the baby once it arrived. If so, there is good support out there for these situations.
I completely agree with all the posts that say it's a bad idea to become a parent when you clearly don't want to.

Many people don't want to become parents but they do and bumble along quite happily making a go of it.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

I believe abortion is kind of distasteful myself I don't think people should be so casual about it. It should be only used as a last resort in my view. Can I ask why you don't want children?

I believe quizzing women on why they do or don't want children is distasteful. I also believe any woman being forced to continue a pregnancy she didn't want because some randoms find it distasteful is disgraceful. Not like you're going to support all those unwanted kids is it?

I don't think pp said anything controversial here. Abortion should be a last resort after contraception. Can't believe anyone would disagree with that

You can be pro choice and not looovvve abortion. For some people it's an uncomfortable reality.

@guysecretan101

I believe abortion is kind of distasteful myself I don't think people should be so casual about it. It should be only used as a last resort in my view. Can I ask why you don't want children?

Distasteful??

My son was a complete surprise. Didn't want it and didn't expect it. I was extremely selfish with my time. I loved being lazy. But since having my son (and now pregnant with my second), my life has improved drastically in all areas. Even though I'm classed as an older mum, I'm glad it happened when it did and not younger. I chose a termination at 19 and it is still the biggest regret I have in life. I'm not telling you what to do by any means, just giving my experience. Whatever you chose just make sure its what you both want.

My perspective is that Iam in my 30s with two dead parents as they were older when I was born. Not that fun! Good luck either way - there is no right or wrong! And even if this is a sign from the universe, what will be will be, as in... whether you are blessed/cursed (haha) with children is out of your hands too. You will make the choice you are destined to and everything will be 'correct' either way x

Tossa coin. Heads you continue with the pregnancy, tails you don’t.

I’m not suggesting that you use the toin coss to make the decision for you (that really would be daft) but that you use it to pull out what you feel deep down about this.

So toss a coin and see how you feel about the result. If you get tails and your first instinctive reaction is relief - then that’s useful to know. If it’s grief, that’s useful too.

I don't think pp said anything controversial here. Abortion should be a last resort after contraception. Can't believe anyone would disagree with that

You can be pro choice and not looovvve abortion. For some people it's an uncomfortable reality.

What is abortion if not a last resort? You can't undo it. So of course it's a last resort. Your distaste, or uncomfortableness around it doesnt matter. The OP said she doesn't want to be a parent.

@Depolo

Isn’t it getting a bit close to the mark for when you can abort a healthy fetus?

Not sure waiting a few weeks to decide is the best option.

Whenever I struggle to make a decision I go with this trick someone taught me. Imagine I told you I was going to toss a coin, heads keep the baby, tails abortion. I flip the coin and it’s up in the air, what are you hoping it lands on? Don’t think about it, just answer the first thing you thought of. That’s what you really need to do

You have a termination until 24 weeks

@roolz the problem with the comment that @guysecretan101 made, is, for me at least, the idea that people are being "casual". I mean, distasteful is a stupid word to use, it's a word to describe an off colour joke or a bad halloween outfit, but the idea that women are being casual about abortion is insulting, I think. Perhaps men are casual about it, but then it's not their bodies.

And I don't think anybody "looves" abortion, do they? How insensitive.

You CAN have an abortion up to 24 weeks in the UK. But it's not the same experience at all the later you leave it. But is that a reason to decide sooner rather than later? I'm really not sure.

A few years ago one of my friends was in her early 40s. She got involved with a man who she knew for a long time. She knew he keen to have a child. She did think about having a child with him but she realised that she would have to give up a lot if they had a child. She also would have wanted him to make a few lifestyle changes before they went down this route. He never mentioned them having a child together.
In the end they broke up and my friend was very upset at the time.
Now a few years later she is far happier that they did not have a child together. She has a good lifestyle, free time and is making plans to enable her retire earlier.
Meanwhile he went on to meet another woman who got pregnant within a few months of meeting him. The reality of having a child has kicked in and its harder going than he thought. He has to stay in a full time job for longer than he would have without a child. He had to leave one job before been made redundant. Any job he has from now has to pay a minimum of X due to the cost of living and raising a child and with most decent salary jobs comes stress.
In your case I would have an abortion as I think that neither you or your dh want a child and their is nothing wrong feeling like this. At 44 I would be worried about having a child with disabilities. I have seen parents dealing with this and it not easy to do. Also you may have to give up work due to their care needs. You might have to go part time because of appointments and them requiring more help than a normal child.
If you have a child is going to be a big lifestyle change for both of you. Your lives going forward will have to put the child 1st for a number of years. Then the option of say changing jobs, going part time or retiring say a few years early may not be their as you have to put a child though secondary school and college.

I think

Sounds like you have already made your mind up to keep it op. Good luck.

If you truly wanted to terminate, you would have taken the pills,
The fact you didn’t and still haven’t would suggest to me that you want to proceed with the pregnacy.

However, when I have a dilemma, whatever it may be.
I flip a coin,
if it lands on heads then I do AB& C, if it lands on tails then I do XY&Z.
If it lands on heads and I am relieved that I have to do AB&C then that’s the choice I want.
If l land on AB&C and I am disappointed and say best of 3 then that suggests that I want to go with the XY&Z option.
Thus this crazy method helps me determine what I actually want 🤔

For your own sanity, please let go of the 'message from the universe' stuff. That means there's a 'reason' some couples long for children but suffer multiple miscarriages, or why some babies die in the womb, or why children are horrendously neglected.

The only message the universe is sending you is that you can still get pregnant at 44 if you don't use adequate contraception. Beyond that, it's up to you and your DP, and the direction you want your lives to take.