12 weeks pregnant at 44, never wanted kids, is it a gift?

[Floofypants]

I know nobody can make this decision for me but any thoughts or comments might help with perspective.

I’m 44 and am 12+2 with an unplanned pregnancy. In a solid long-term relationship, but we’ve never wanted kids and we just don’t know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had the tablets for a medical abortion right in front of me but we realized we hadn’t discussed it properly so didn’t proceed.

We’ve spoken to counselors and had taken termination off the table for the last couple of weeks but today had my 12 week scan with NT measurement and I’m freaking out. Everything looks fine (albeit awaiting screening blood test results). I think with my age and the associated risks, we assumed there would be an issue and that might make the decision for us.

We don’t want a child. Could write a massive list of reasons why not and all things that we’re concerned about. From a logical perspective, termination makes the most sense.

We keep getting stuck on the ethical and ‘spiritual’ side of things. We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

It seems so unlikely that we are even in this position given our ages and the fact we weren’t trying. So we keep wondering if this is supposed to a gift or sign of what our lives are supposed to be. Like a message from the universe, if you like. We’re not religious but do have a belief in something bigger than us.

If we terminate are we just chickening out of parenthood? Are we staying in our comfort zone and showing we’re not willing to step up? Or simply being pragmatic?

Will we regret termination? Or regret having a child? It’s so hard to know. Maybe we are just hoping for certainty but I don’t think we can get that.

This feels like an impossible position. Don’t want to terminate but don’t want a child.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice or maybe some experience that might help with perspective? Thank you.

If you both know that you don't want children then what is the dilemma?

I hope you manage to come to a decision you are both happy with OP. There is definitely no right or wrong. Parenthood is a door that once you walk through you can't walk back out of.

We found ourselves accidentally pregnant and I found it terrifying. We proceeded and are about to have our third now. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. That being said I was glad I had the decision made for me rather than deciding to try for baby as it feels so crazy how much it will change your life that I would have doubted myself if id consciously made the decision.

Whatever you decide, as long as you are happy with your decision there should be no regrets. I would invest in as much counselling and talk it to death of you need to. Good luck to you both!

I think the time to have an abortion was weeks ago when you had the tablets. You made your choice at that point. The longer you are pregnant the harder it will be to find two doctors to agree to you having an abortion and the more physically traumatic experience it will be for you.

Parenthood is scary, of course it is. But you are a grown up in a stable relationship and should be capable of raising a child, the majority of people are good enough parents who love their children and raise them to be functioning adults.

A gift is only a gift if you want it.

I don't think you need to "justify" a termination beyond "I/we don't want a child", to be honest. That's justification enough.

In all honesty I think living with abortion regret might be easier than living with having a child regret. Both will last a lifetime but having a child is something you can't escape from. Would you consider adoption?

Unless you think that you will regret the decision to end the pregnancy, then do so, and do so quickly when it will be less traumatic on your body.

Telling someone to be aware that they are more ' prone / likely due to age in having a child with a disability , is like suggesting no-one should abort because their child could be the next messiah or be the person to cure cancer.
I wonder sometimes at the insensitive comments people make.
Op , only you can make that decision , we don't know you or your situation.

I found myself in exactly the same situation. I had a problem free pregnancy. Ds was born when I was 45+2. I love every moment with him. He is now 13.

A couple of things I decided early on. I wanted to make sure I could always keep up with him. I didn't want him stuck with a 'slow' tired mum so I put a lot into getting & staying fit. I run 5k twice a week and do martial arts to stay supple.
And you have to be prepared to join in with everything. We cycle together, I taught him to ride, running up and down lanes holding the back of the saddle. I swim & ski with him.

He'll leave school when I'm 63 so no chance of retiring until then which I don't mind. I honestly think he's kept me fit and healthy and fresh and young.

Life without him is unimaginable.

I think you are having doubts about the termination for a reason, and you might actually think that having a child would be great but you are scared. That’s totally understandable if that is the case (but I am totally guessing and may be completely wrong). So I just wanted to say that everyone is scared at some point during a pregnancy, some the whole way through, but there is a lot of help available and you will be well able for it.

I think the people who regret things are the ones who go against their gut instincts. You are the only one that knows how you feel. Get support and some counselling this week and this will help you make a decision that you are happy with, whatever that might be. Good luck.

The longer you are pregnant the harder it will be to find two doctors to agree to you having an abortion and the more physically traumatic experience it will be for you.

While it's true that a later termination can be more challenging for the woman having it, OP can terminate for any reason up to 24 weeks and will not have any trouble getting the required medical signoff for it. Any of BPAS, Marie Stopes or the NHS can arrange it and will, if it's what OP requests.

Don’t feel guilty about terminating. It’s an accidental pregnancy that isn’t wanted, most terminations are done for those exact reasons. Children a bloody hard work and most of us that wanted ours find ourselves at times wishing we had more sleep and resenting the damage our bodies endured. Toddlers and teenagers are bundles of exhaustion and mess and we middle through because we felt compelled to be parents and the good times make up for it. You’re quite old to become parents and that will likely multiply the fatigue and desperation at times for peace and quiet . It’ll make a hard job even harder. I’d stop considering this as some kind of sign or gift and as one of life’s little fuck ups . It happens. Do what’s right for you and your husband.

Yes, This is true. The NHS offered me a termination at 20 weeks if my amnio produces a bad result. Up to 24 weeks is legal in the U.K.

I was in your situation a couple of months back. I’m 42, DH and I have never wanted kids and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Although I was pretty sure I wanted to terminate, it brought up some severe soul searching. I suppose since I was faced with a real potential child rather than just a hypothetical. After much consideration I went through with the termination at 6weeks. I can honestly say it was the right decision, and a few months on I’m still completely sure. It would have upended my life, I have ASD and struggle with change at the best of times. I’m sad I had to go through the process, but it wouldn’t have been fair to me, DH or the child to have it when it wasnt 100% what we wanted. You are not ‘lesser’ if you don’t have a child, it’s just a different path. Like another OP I am so grateful to live in a time where this option was available to me with no judgement, just support.

We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed

That alone is justified. Your reasons are your reasons. You don't have to answer to anyone else. You don't want to be parents, so it's fair enough.

The only reason you ever need for an abortion is simply you are pregnant and don't want to be.

I had an abortion when I was young and I was adamant that it was the right thing to do. I KNEW I didn’t want a baby.

I am also a parent and heavily pregnant and had a baby once I was ready and with the right person. My other half didn’t want children I definitely did..

I am the one who has found parenting hard because I had this rosy perspective that it was going to be this hearts and roses loving experience and there are a lot of hard moments - no sleep, relaxing is non existent I find (unless you have adequate childcare) and it takes a lot of energy and effort I find.

My partner on the other hand who wasn’t fussed about being a parent has taken to it like a duck to water and loves it.. maybe as he had a realistic idea that there’s good and bad elements to it.

Are you swayed in a particular direction. Do you ‘know’ deep down ??

Just something to consider is that the effects on MH (guilt etc) of an abortion can be very severe, unexpectedly so sometimes. I'm thinking of about 8 people I know who had one, I'd say out of those 8 only 1 wasn't affected (visibly anyway to friends) by it. One friend in particular was like a different person for about 10 years over it. Several of those friends have spoken about their regret and self-recrimination. Interestingly though, the one who doesn't seem to have any ill effects definitely doesn't want children. She's not free of issues, I just don't think her issues were caused by having an abortion. I have one friend who had I think 2 abortions in youth and then a miscarriage in her 40s. I think she grieves a lot for all of those, she speaks of it, so at least she's not bottling it up. It's a difficult decision for you and I sympathise with the stress of it. I do know of a lot of people too who were ambivalent or even opposed to having children who made a 180 degree turn once they had their own child. Including one friend who did not seem the maternal type at all and really didn't want kids. She got an awful shock finding out she was pregnant. Took the whole pregnancy to get her head around it. Loves her child now that he's here and she loves being a mum. I think it seems to be a lot rarer that the parents have the child and then don't fall in love with it? Although of course that does happen, or PND can delay feeling positive. I had my first child there at 45. You can't really explain the feelings for that child when it's born. (Also I am loving the change in life that this has brought, a whole new set of experiences that I may never have had, and much more love in my life.) Big respect too, to those people another poster mentioned who had the baby and gave it up for adoption. Not an easy decision either.
Good luck with making the right decision for your own situation! We are all supporting you. In the end you must choose for yourselves what you feel the most peace about. I get where you're coming from with thinking, is it a gift? I do think in that way too but I get why others don't also. It has to be your decision ultimately.

We feel there’s no ‘justifiable’ reason to terminate other than we don’t want a child/ we don’t want our lives changed.

Any reason is a good enough reason!

Whatever you decide will be right for you. You will probably regret either decision, for different reasons.

I hope you can work put which is the best path and wish you peace

I just don't think you realise how brilliant kids are until you have them, honestly

I didn't realise this until my second was here. I worried I wouldn't love him as much as my first. I do!!! I love them so much!!

If you can afford it and not have to be broke just go for it, it's not that long to raise a child and honestly the joy is just insane

If you're not sure about a termination then I don't believe you should have one

Note, I'm not saying that you would feel guilty... I think a lot of my friends who did had probably acted for the wrong reasons, so regretted it. It's less likely that you will act out of the wrong reasons, as you're older than they were. Best of luck with it all

The I don't want children is from the head. The heart may say otherwise.
It could be a gift , a wonderful opportunity.

For what it's worth: reputable research (because there's plenty of anti-abortion religious "research" propaganda, sadly) indicates that five years after a termination, the vast majority of women have either positive feelings or neutral feelings about their decision and agree that it was the right decision for them. A landmark 2020 study: www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study

If you're not sure about a termination then I don't believe you should have one

The same could be said for a child

I guess my question would be, if you’re so certain, how have you got to this stage? Gone for scans and blood tests?

@SwanShaped

I guess my question would be, if you’re so certain, how have you got to this stage? Gone for scans and blood tests?

Because she sat looking at the tablets and hesitated to take them.

I can see why this is a very difficult decision. Normally I'd be quick to advise having a termination but OP is hesitating.

If you're reading still OP, would the pair of you still give each other freedom? Taking turns with your time to go and do the things you both love and need to do?

I think it's a different decision for a solid established couple with no money worries.

Having DC did devastate me financially and impact on my freedom massively because I left an abusive man and did it all on my own.

But it might not ruin your lives! It might be great! It probably will be great but it will be massively disruptive as well.

OK, OP, I think you should have this baby.

Why? Because I think you really, deep down, want to.
I say this because, while the majority of posts are "If you want an abortion, have it" (which I agree with, by the way, of course), your response is not "Thanks, that confirms what I was feeling" but "lots to think about here."

It's difficult because you have always been in the "I don't want children" boat. But if you were absolutely fixed in this boat (as you have every right to be) you wouldn't be here asking. (Nor, I think, would you have left it to the point where abortion is becoming a more complicated option. You would have taken the pills weeks ago - but you didn't. Why is that?)

Imagine the MN thread again, but with the vast majority of the answers saying "Yes, keep it, this is a sign, this is a chance..." How would you feel then? I think you would feel positive, that this might, somehow, unexpectedly turn into a great thing.

Ignore the posters saying "At 44 you will be so TIRED." As an older parent (not by choice - my first husband died, then we needed IVF), I am no more tired than parents in their 30s. (MN is full of posters saying, "I would NEVER have a child after 35..." - ignore them). Honestly, having a child is a love I never imagined. It's ok to change your mind.

(And if I am wrong in my mind-reading, ignore me!!!).