Considering abortion at 19 weeks..

[intheloudhouse]

I've been struggling with nausea all the way through this pregnancy. I've lost over a stone and I can barely eat. I'm on so many types of anti sickness meds but it still doesn't get rid of the nausea.
I was hospitalised last week as I hadn't eaten or drank in days. I thought I was dying.
In desperation I've booked an abortion for next Wednesday as I can't imagine another 20 weeks of this.
I'm in turmoil as I can't feel like this any longer, the affect it is having on my mental health (I barely move from the sofa never mind leave the house, constant panic attacks) on my poor son and on my family is currently devastating.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Big hugs op. I'm so glad you posted on here for support and advice. You're in very good company it seems. I'm sorry you don't have proper sort in real life but I hope your friends here will help you carry this burden. I think you're amazing to have got this far. Of course your ds knows you're his mummy!! This is a temporary blip and you have to put yourself first right now. Let go of the guilt, take care of YOU, put the TV on for ds and rest up.

Oh OP my heart goes out to you!

I had HG until 21 weeks pregnancy - I rarely vomited, it was “just” nausea which was hell on Earth.

I found it was so much worse if I was tired. The things that got me through:

• TV, lots of TV
• DS ended up with our iPad (age 3) with the CBeebies apps on (everything else locked down)
• bowl of snacks he could peck at through the day
• I put DS in bed next to me with his iPad and napped that way

Your partner is being an epic twat and needs to understand what you’re going through. What he said about your DS not seeing you as mum is vile - of course your DS will always see you as mum!!

What have your DP and parents said about the termination? You’re not being supported at all by anyone 😡

@Nancylovesthecock

Your sickness will never be as bad as the guilt of aborting a much wanted baby.

Trust me I know.

This is absolutely not true, and not at all helpful. OP, I hope the doctors can help you, but whatever you decide to do is the right decision.

I wouldn't t abort a baby on the grounds of sickness. I had HG with both my pregnancies which was horrendous but it's not something i ever considered.

@intheloudhouse

My partner has actually said I'm being pathetic, he dreads coming home and that he has to go to work. He keeps telling me how my son is no longer seeing me as him mum. My parents are good but they keep saying they need to get on with their own lives and reminding me of their age. I just do not know what to do for the best. My partner, parents, GP etc all know I have booked an abortion but I think the overall consensus is that there's nothing anyone can do and I'm not helping myself..

Your partner and your parents are fucking disgraceful shits. You deserve their complete support, which you're not getting at all. You're responsible for you and your pregnancy, you're not responsible for them, so don't make a termination decision based on what's best for them or how things will affect them, make your decision based only on what's best for you and this pregnancy. I think planning to terminate a wanted pregnancy is an emergency situation, so go to a&e and see what they can do before you go ahead with the termination, make sure you tell a&e you have no support whatsoever because that's the truth. GP, midwife, parents, partner, all dismissing you and you don't deserve that.

Several posters have given some suggestions for medication that may help you (steroids and metaclopramide). So do see if you can see a doctor again. You have to advocate for yourself!

Honestly, I don't know what your DP thinks. That you invent this and you like it to not eat and drink for days so you have to get to a hospital? Yes, it is an inconvenience for him, but you are growing his child and he needs to be more supportive. You feel ill. You are, you are not 'just pregnant'.

But please try to eat and drink small amounts and often. Your body needs the fluids and the energy... build it up slowly if needed.

Are you a SAHM? Do you have any help?

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I will keep reading them over.
The only medication I think I haven't tried now is steroids, so I am going to mention it.
DP thinks I'm just doing it for attention or an excuse to be lazy. I bloody wish. For example I'm in bed this morning and he's downstairs, I asked if he would bring me some toast up, but he won't. He says come get it yourself and he's done nothing but sulk with me since I was unable to take DS to school while he was at work yesterday.
I've said to him if he wants to carry on with his normal life then I will have to go ahead with the abortion so then I can also carry on as normal too, at least in body if not in mind for a long time.
It's booked for a week today so this time next week I could be in the process of it.
I just feel like I'm a burden on everyone at the moment as I'm unable to look after my son. If I didn't have him things might be different.
October just seems like such a long way away to live like this. I'm losing weight at a rapid rate, not gaining it. The hospital were lovely and I was on fluids etc but I can't live in there until I give birth.
I'm so desperate for help. The perinatal mental health team are coming to see me tomorrow but I'm not sure what they will be able to do or change. I just wish I could turn back the clock and never got pregnant again in the first place. x

OP, please please phone pregnancy sickness support. I have met the woman who set it up - she did so because she had extremely severe pregnancy sickness and struggled to get the right help. She is a brilliant advocate for women and this organisation will be able to advise you on exactly how to manage this.

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

@intheloudhouse

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I will keep reading them over. The only medication I think I haven't tried now is steroids, so I am going to mention it. DP thinks I'm just doing it for attention or an excuse to be lazy. I bloody wish. For example I'm in bed this morning and he's downstairs, I asked if he would bring me some toast up, but he won't. He says come get it yourself and he's done nothing but sulk with me since I was unable to take DS to school while he was at work yesterday. I've said to him if he wants to carry on with his normal life then I will have to go ahead with the abortion so then I can also carry on as normal too, at least in body if not in mind for a long time. It's booked for a week today so this time next week I could be in the process of it. I just feel like I'm a burden on everyone at the moment as I'm unable to look after my son. If I didn't have him things might be different. October just seems like such a long way away to live like this. I'm losing weight at a rapid rate, not gaining it. The hospital were lovely and I was on fluids etc but I can't live in there until I give birth. I'm so desperate for help. The perinatal mental health team are coming to see me tomorrow but I'm not sure what they will be able to do or change. I just wish I could turn back the clock and never got pregnant again in the first place. x

Your dp should be absolutely ashamed of himself. I'm 12 weeks and have had horrendous hg, my dp gets up every morning at 6 am to make me food because having an empty stomach makes it worse for me. No medications helped me at all and I actually ended up giving my self a whiplash type injury from vomiting and dry heaving so much. Even with my dps support I would have happily had an abortion a few weeks back because I was so unwell. My gp was also totally crap. I'm so sorry you are so unsupported and i know the feeling of being so unwell that you will do anything to fix it. My heart goes out to you what ever you decide to do

I'm truly horrified at the lack of support you're getting OP, especially from your partner. I've ever had this but the thought of being in your position is so sad. Honestly if I was your mum or your partner I'd be at your bedside. He wouldn't get you toast? I've got no words. So sorry.

Your DP is being awful. The medication - I' m on cariban - has worked wonders for me, but I still feel queasy and DH has made every meal (all uncooked as I can't tolerate the smell) since this started, done every bit of housework, and gets our toddler up so I can sleep more.

I think if you had support at home you would feel differently. I really think you should try the helpline others have suggested, and they will hopefully help push for better support. From what I understand, very very few people have this all the way through their third trimester. You are so, so close now, I really think there's a risk you could regret this. I understand the tortue of the nausea, I did have vomiting but he nausea is the worst bit and I only had a few weeks before the drugs kicked in for me.

Try the helpline, try what support they can offer, then see if it feels better enough to try a few more weeks. It sounds like you'd be better in hospital than at home. I'd also make clear to your midwife your partner is not supporting you.

I just wish someone would be able to say to me what the affects will be on my life either way - eg if I keep the baby the nausea won't improve and will damage my mental health even more, or how life will turn out if I choose to abort x

Can you try the helpline a PP shared earlier today? It sounds like it could be a real lifeline for you and help you consider your options.

Your partner (doesn't deserve that label) is a disgrace and I think whatever you do you will need to rethink the relationship in the longer term as he is unbelievably cruel.

I'm so sorry him and your parents are being rubbish. I wish I knew you, I would tell you to come and stay at mine if we were friends

So sorry to hear this, i had hg with my second pregnancy and it was so debilitating.

The doctors can give an injection,which is onlu temporary relief but the only thing that helpede. My second child will def be my lqst, but not sure if this is helpful, although my pregnancy was horrific i couldn't imagine life without her.

If you do want a second child, you are half way there already.

Hi OP, I'm on my second HG pregnancy, so you have my sympathies. I seriously considered termination in my first pregnancy, my HG was worse last time as I didn't receive as much timely medical help. This time I've not been quite so unwell and managed to avoid hospitalisation as I'm on double the dose of ondansetron I was on last time. I didn't know this was an option last time and my previous GP practice never suggested increasing the dose despite my ongoing symptoms . The only reason I didn't terminate is because I was worried I would have regretted it - like you, my DC was much wanted and planned.

Please get in touch with the Pregnancy Sickness Support charity for advice and guidance, they are amazing. They have a peer support service which I've been using this pregnancy and has made a huge difference to my mental health compared to my last pregnancy. I'm 18 weeks now and things are improving, last time I was almost completely better by about 26/28 weeks ish and I seem to be on track for similar this time. The overwhelming likelihood is that you will feel sooo much better in another month or two. PSS can also advise whether you could increase the dosage of any of your meds too.

Finally, I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a total prick and you need to reassess your relationship with him once you're in a better place. What kind of arsehole treats their pregnant partner like that?! I have been unable to care for our DC too and DH has done everything for months now - working FT, childcare, domestic labour, everything himself. He is the most loving, supportive man and is always there for me whether I need food bringing up to bed, hair holding back whilst I vomit, a cuddle whilst I cry, anything. That's what a partner does.

I wish I could give your partner a good slap. He’s being disgraceful. Like I mentioned, my partner was also total trash and thought I was being a drama queen despite 6 hospital admissions. I was on the verge of leaving him for his lack of support but was lucky enough to be able to go live with my mum instead so I could get through it. Once he read up on HG and understood the true horror of what I was enduring (and sat at my bedside while I was admitted in hospital overnight) however, he was deeply ashamed of his behaviour and once I moved back home he was much much better and things carried on positively from there. Does your partner know anything at all about HG? There are some great resources on the Pregnancy Sickness Support website. Show them to him ASAP if he will listen.
No one can say for sure if this will continue for the rest of the pregnancy or how you will feel if you terminate. For my recent termination the relief I felt was immediate (I was already desperately ill at just 5 weeks) and no regrets mostly because it was not a planned pregnancy and I could not put myself through that ordeal again and I was not very far along. Had I been much further along though I genuinely don’t think I could have terminated, particularly a planned/wanted pregnancy. It’s like being between a rock and a hard place. I hope the mental health team can be of some help and that you can contact some of the resources PP have mentioned. You’ve got a lot of virtual support here I just wish you had the same in real life! Sending massive hugs to you xx

You should terminate your “D”P.

Really sorry you’re going through this, it must be so rough.

I don't think you really want to terminate.
You feel like shit, are you actually vomiting?
You need to call your GP.

You're nausea might go tomorrow or on a week or two, is that worth losing the pregnancy?

OP I’ve been in your boat and thought about an abortion but then cried as I really wanted the pregnancy but it made me feel so awful. I think I lost over 2st in total, started to feel better after 20 weeks and gained some back but I weighed less when I went into labour than when I fell pregnant.

Please go back to your doctors, there are some awful ones who just don’t get how bad it can be and one amazing doctor whose wife had HG, he was amazing and very supportive.

I think Pp have posted support numbers already.

Can you get some crackers to keep on your bedside? DH has not been very helpful at all.

On the flip side both our DH have / had to adjust and trying to hold down a job / housework / childcare is a strain on them. I think it’s worth having a conversation and setting expectations from each other.

Did you say you have a Son already? Think about the nausea you are experiencing now, would you do another 21 weeks of it for him? I'm sure you would in a heartbeat and I'm sure you will love this second very much wanted child just as much. Please don't give up on them, you can do this 🥰

I was the same OP. You really need to eat and drink. I put on so much weight because I was eating so much bit bot actually vomiting. I know its horrible tk eat while you are sick, but pregnant or not your body needs fuel.
I honestly contemplated termination so many times, and at some points though I couldn't even wait theat long for it to end, and considered taking my life very seriously on a good few occasions.
It did eventually get a bit better, not much, but a bit. I had to work throughout (self employed) and it was just so difficult.
You will get through it if that's what you choose.

Keep pushing for different meds.

Oh sweetheart, I can hear in your posts how desperate you are. A good friend of mine had HG and she was in bits, I couldn't quite believe how ill she got, it was scary. Your partner and parents are being unbelievable unhelpful. Your partner sounds like a complete arsehole. If you were supported you wouldn't be considering this. What was his response when you said you would terminate? I don't think you really want to do that. I think you just feel like you have nowhere else to turn.

I had HG with DS, it came on at 10 weeks and lasted my entire pregnancy. Anti sickness meds didn’t seem to help, the only one that did knocked me out so all I could do was sleep. I couldn’t lift my head of my pillow it was so debilitating and I did consider abortion as it felt like I was dying- so I can completely sympathise OP with how your currently feeling. It does sound like you have not been given enough support from medical professionals, obviously it is completely your choice if you continue with your pregnancy. But this isn’t forever and if you think you would regret it then you should reconsider.

Your partner is the problem here. If you had his support, this would be a challenging but manageable time. I’m starting to understand why you are considering all options.