Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

My pp didn't make sense at all!

Basically a house will always need painting, decorating, maybe lots of renovations things that your DH has NOT planned! He will keep on postponing until a "few years later" when even more credit card debts will have been paid. If your mental health is not that important to him, why will a baby, that he has not even met mean anything to him?

It’s up to you if you have a termination obviously and if that’s what you want then do it. But the fact your reasonings are all circumstantial and you think that everything will be right in 6 months is very idealistic. You may get pregnant in 6 months time and then your husband loses his job etc etc. You could wait for the perfect time to have a baby, chances are something will come up or isn’t quite right.

You appear so sure that you’ll be pregnant again in 6 months time too, don’t be so sure. My friend got pregnant accidentally and terminated (we were 2nd year uni so very much the wrong time). She got married after uni to the same person and tried for baby years later. Nothing happened for months, she then got pregnant and miscarried early on, it was another 12 months of trying before she got pregnant again. She thinks the abortion may have something to do with it and blamed herself, she had a terrible time. You shouldn’t be so sure that it will happen again so easily and must be prepared to accept that. It’s your decision but have a think about it. I’m not even mentioning the husband in all this, he sounds like a bit of a control freak.

I am pro choice (I almost had an abortion in my early twenties but miscarried first), but I simply cannot wrap my head around aborting a baby when you plan to TTC in six months. Sorry but it just makes the baby seem like something that can just be disposed of, with incredibly flimsy reasons for doing so. Different case if you really weren't in a position to provide for a baby or didn't want children at all. But it seems like a baby now would be mildly inconvenient.

Leaving aside what your husband thinks, do YOU want this baby OP? It doesn't seem like you do from your posts, which I find slightly puzzling with your plans to TTC very soon (six months really is no time!).

If you genuinely don't actually want the baby then I would speak to your GP about the trauma issue and see if there is anything that can be done to help get you an earlier appointment. Failing that I would be looking further afield for a clinic that can fit you in and planning to travel and stay overnight if necessary.

I'm pro choice but in your situation I wouldn't have an abortion. I had a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks too and I would think an abortion at 15 weeks would be horrendous.

He won’t want to try again in 6 months. He wants you to terminate this inconvenient (for him) pregnancy, and once you’ve done that he will come up with a million reasons why you can’t try in 6 months (or a year or 6 years).
No decent man in a stable relationship would be that bothered by a 6 month time difference in plans.

^This.
I don't think he really wants a baby. Yes, you talked about it before but faced with the reality of a pregnancy he comes up with a list of reasons why not and says we can try again in 6 months.
It would be completely ludicrous to abort this pregnancy in January and then start trying to conceive 4 or 5 months afterwards.
I think if he really did want to start TTC in 6 months he would say "Ah, shit, it's a bit earlier than we planned but if we tighten our belts a bit we can sort out the finances".
If you'd discussed TTC in 3 or 4 years time that would be a different story. But 6 months?

Others have said it, but you might not be able to conceive in 6 months. You may struggle with the emotional effects of the abortion etc.

If you really wanted the abortion you would be contacting clinics all over the place as well as your GP to find out how to get one as quickly as possible. There must be some way of getting one sooner.
If you do want one and have to pay for it or have to pay for travel, so be it.
Where there's a will, there's a way. You can get a train somewhere and pay for a taxi to the clinic.

But you are already concerned about your mental health should you choose a termination. You need to speak for your GP and ask for some non-directional counselling.

Its normal to have to wait quite a while with NHS now due to cutbacks. My friends daughter had to wait ages. It makes it quite traumatic. On the other side you have people complaining that they rush people through though, which is not true.
Is there is no way you can get the money together for private?

REally wish people woul stop using autism/'undiagnosed autism' as an excuse for crap behaviour. I had one of these 'planners', every other sentence out of his mouth was 'perfect planning prevents pitiful performance' and he also did the 'we agreed' but the reality is that he was a controlling wanker.

You don't want a termination. So don't have one.

The thing I'd be worried about is that if he is in fact autistic, your child could be, too, if that's something that concerns you.

Terminate then try again in 6 months?!

Most people will agree that things aren't perfect when deciding to have a baby - but thats life, there's always something isn't there!

Your other half sounds extremely selfish and isn't taking into account your wellbeing.

Life throws shit at you - is this the kind of man who will be there for you? Sounds like he wont tbh.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but you really need to consider the fact that you may not get pregnant again. You will need a clinical abortion by that time and no operation is without its risks. How would you feel if you have the abortion and you never fall pregnant again or have to go through IVF at some point in the future? I am very pro-abortion if it is the right thing for you but it is traumatic and does have mental health implications. If you were intending to try in 6 months anyway it is ridiculous to have an abortion at this stage to possibly not be able to have a baby when you ultimately want one. Please don't let your Husbands inflexibility push you to something that could have lifelong consequences for you.

I’ll add that I felt much more “well off” in the first six months of looking after a newborn - Partner and I weren’t going out for meals / nights out / cinema trips / long weekends away etc, all the stuff we used to do pre baby that took up our spare cash. The reality of the early months with a baby is lots of time indoors, hanging out at libraries / parks / free things! I found I saved so much money in that time. We also bought the big things like pram / cot etc second hand and said yes to lots of offers of hand me downs! It really wasn’t an expensive time in my experience. So if you are considering aborting to wait for perfect financial conditions, you are perhaps overestimating the cost of a baby.

I couldn't do it if it was a matter of a few months too early. I would make this decision for yourself, not to placate Mr Planner.

Im totally pro choice but for the sake of 6 months this is total madness, regardless of your dp having autism etc.

People are in much worse situations than you OP and have children.

If you want this baby then keep it and adjust your plans accordingly, although i don't see why anything would change, you can still buy a house and settle your debts while you are expecting!

I’m pro choice.

YabVu to abort this baby Only to ttc in 6 months. It’s absolute madness. And - forgetting about your ‘rigid’ partners wants, what about you? Or don’t you matter and have to follow his rules?

Babies don't have to be expensive. It still seems like you can do the things you want to do with a baby in tow.

You can't predict how your pregnancy will go. You might be ill and have a tough time or you might find it a breeze. I am 5 months pregnant and i'm very lucky in that it hasn't affected me whatsoever.

You might not find a house you like enough to buy, or a you might buy the first house you see.

I think if you wanted a baby in the near future anyway, it's a little silly to terminate now in order to stick to a timetable that may or may not go the way you planned, regardless of any baby related issues.

I'm not anti abortion but to terminate this pregnancy to just try again later in 6 months? No. That's not on. I think you know that too which is why you're posting. If you already feel that now you will never get over the guilt of terminating. Either you would conceive quickly and the "second" baby would bring up all sorts of awful feelings about the first. Or you wouldn't and would then be tortured with "what if's". I see no happy outcome in that scenario. You need to make your DH understand.

OP, sorry but it’s ridiculous to have an abortion now, only to try again in 6 months. What difference is 6 months in the course of a lifetime. This is so much to put yourself through. Plus, if you did conceive in 6 months, wouldn’t you always look at that child and wonder about this one?
If you didn’t want children at all; or if you were on your own or some other more compelling reason, then I’d say do whatever you feel you need you do. But you can’t abort a child for the sake of him / her being a few months too early. Anything can happen in life, even with the best made plans. If we all thought like this, nobody would ever have DC. There’s never a perfect time and these things don’t always go to plan anyway.

Wanting to abort then ttc in 6 months seems crazy. Babies don't always come on schedule, you could get pregnant straight away in 6 months time then have a preemie at 6 months pregnant which would end up you having a baby only 3 or 4 months after you would have this baby. If you had a preemie would your DH not want the baby cos it dared to be born 3 months early?

I am sorry everyone I promise I am not being flippant about termination I just thought it wouldn't be this hard, my honest feelings are so torn.

My husband is a lovely man he isn't controlling or cruel he sometimes lacks in empathy and struggles with changes - I think he should get assessed for autism but he doesn't want to be labeled. I don't feel like he is forcing me to do anything I am just naturally a bit of a doormat and I always put how other people feel before myself. I always feel like I am being selfish and I have always been that way.

I know it is all my choice but I feel so confused - we can't use the house deposit money it was a gift from my parents and I couldnt spend it like that in good conscience.

Basically what i'm saying is anyone who plans to start ttc is expecting to have a baby 9 months later but in reality anyone could have a prem baby and have a baby 6 months later. So any baby could be 3 months earlier than planned, this baby just happens to be 6 months earlier than planned. What difference is 3 months? (My baby was due in Jan but came in Nov)

At 14/15 weeks I would guess you are going for a surgical procedure, which honestly won’t be much different to a surgical procedure at any other amount of weeks

That is simply not the case. The majority of NHS hospitals do not offer surgical terminations over 12 weeks because of the size of the fetus. I had a termination of a much-longed-for child at 15 weeks for medical reasons. I had no choice but to go through an induced labour. I won't go into details here, but it was the most traumatic experience of my life.

Well you're husband said he would support you so he isn't totally against it. I think it's actually disgusting that you could both terminate this baby and then have another in 6 months time, why is the next child more important than this child? You can't pick and choose which one you want to keep. I think you should keep this baby as you sound like you will regret it

The one thing you can’t plan is children. You can’t take plan when you’ll manage to get pregnant. The pregnancy may be complicated or end in miscarriage. Childbirth can be complicated and you don’t usually get the birth you’ve planned. Babies and children do not stick to your plans for sleep/routines/behaviour/...

You must not put your husband’s feelings above your own.

It makes no sense to abort a baby, especially so late, when you want to try to have a successful pregnancy months later.

I would wait to move house, either way, as buying can be incredibly stressful.

In reality anyone could have a prem baby and have a baby 6 months later Very true. Just 6 months after the TFMR of my son, my daughter was born alive at 24 weeks gestation.

To terminate and then try again in 6 months is ridiculous, you can still pay off credit cards and get a house while pregnant.

If he is possibly autistic and it's the unplanned arrival date of the baby that's bothering him point out to him that even if you started to ttc on the date he has planned out the baby could actually be born at 24-42 weeks and there is no way to plan the arrival date.