Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I think people think the NHS and clinics funding terminations have an endless pot of gold. If there's not funding, there isn't funding. There also have to be valid reasons to terminate a pregnancy.
OP I think you have become so conditioned to 'please' that you know no different. You've obviously found yourself with a partner who expects this of you now. The sad thing is you're turning over yourself to a life of decisions you'll have little or no say in. I honestly think your husband just ploughs on with what he's decided, and takes it as a given you'll just smile and agree. If you've struggled with the loss through miscarriage and had PTSD the after effects of a late termination will not be easy. One situation you had no decision/say in the other you do, the after effects on your mental well-being will be something to consider. I think you'll tie yourself up in knots and make yourself I'll over this either way. I think you and your husband need to focus on the reality of life's ups and downs. If we could all plot and plan our lives like schedules life would be great. Sadly life throws curved balls. It seems you've got this fantasy fairytale ideal of getting married, buy houses, pay of debts and it'll all fall into place. Sadly there's no guarantees, you could lose your job, become ill, all manner of things. It's nice your husband wants it all compartmentalised and orderly, sadly it never runs to plan. You may be best terminating and give yourselves a few years and attempt to achieve your dreams. I'd put off any baby plans and see how reality pans out for you. I don't think either of you are ready emotionally or maturely right now. Maybe wait a while and work on your confidence and self esteem and see your relationship paths clearer.
I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you, and for the right reasons. I wish you all the best.

Semantics oakmaiden

Not semantics. It is currently as cluster of cells that isn't viable. A baby is a living, breathing, feeling person.

The reason abortions are permitted and infanticide is not is because of the difference.

And I don't think that telling the OP that "this is your baby and it isn't disposable" (obvs paraphrasing) is helpful or kind in this thread, do you? She needs to be able to make her own mind up without people trying to make her feel bad.

I actually wonder if 'but I'm such a people pleaser ' is quite a cop out. I mean, if you get a termination because your husband finds it convenient then it's not you who has made the call.

But this decision is yours to make. You need to get past this 'oh I couldn't possibly' crap and decide something that's right for you and your life.

I really wish you luck. But don't hide behind excuses or anything, this is time to grab life by the balls and make up your own mind - whatever that may be, it must be something you can live with.

I also think if you do go ahead and terminate there’s a significant chance your husband won’t keep to his word and want to try again in 6 months.

I feel horribly guilty at the thought of having a child I initially wanted to get rid of nothing I do seems right. I feel like I have fucked up on so many levels.

I'd see it more as the pregancy that you don't want not that the child is not wanted. In some ways you could argue that the child is more special - you considered it the wrong/not ideal time but wanted them so much that you overcame the difficulties. You haven't fucked up. Unexpected stuff happens all the time and sometimes it's harder to deal with the consequences than others. You are both trying to work through the situation sensibly - which is definitely not fucked up.

There will be somewhere the op can have a termination before January.

Please do ask your GP HelpfulSailor- you're only 'just' pregnant right now and it will not be so traumatic at this stage. I'm not underestimating how people feel when they have abortions, even early ones but sometimes you have to do things for the sake of expediency.

I'm highly suspicious of your partner because he says, 'not now but in six months', as if six months is going to make that much difference. For that reason alone it doesn't sound as though he is a good bet - do think about that. It's probable he won't want you to be pregnant in six months!

You've probably already seen this but I'm adding it anyway:

www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/prices/

However GPs will prescribe the medication needed for a medical abortion.

You are being manipulated by your partner and he is making you doubt your sanity and your perception of reality. He does not sound nice.

Did you have the termination

@Mammabear111

I didn't

I couldn't be fitted in till end of January like yourself. Go private. I found a clinic in London's for this week.