Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

If you were planning to concieve in 6 months time then it seems crazy to terminate, especially as it seems that it's because your DH likes to have everything planned to the nth degree.

If you are going to have children at some point, then your DH is going to have to learn to live with the unforeseen. If one thing is guaranteed when you have kids, it's that fixed plans are a thing of the past.

If you terminate, is your MH going to be in a position to make TTC sensible in 6 months (which is more like 3.5/4 months after the actual temination).

It sounds to me as though you really don't want to terminate, either now or in 12 weeks time. Your DH is going to struggle with the change of adding a baby regardless of when. He's said he will support you either way so I think you will regret having an abortion.

Op please don't terminate unless you want to, it is a very big deal going through an abortion, especially at 14 plus weeks and particularly because it sounds like you wish to have a baby together (at some point)

You are in shock, and perhaps you should consider waiting until you have allowed it to wear off a little before making any big decisions. You can get free counselling, and I suggest you do this before booking anything.

If your dp is rigid in his thinking he may just need to time to adjust, my dh is like this, but once he has allowed the idea to settle, considered his options and comes to terms he is usually fine.

In your circumstances, I would not be terminating. You will get there on the house front, it may take a little longer but you will. It is not more important than anything else, so it really depends on your priorities.

Was your P around when you had your former termination? does he want you to possibly relive that ?
You fear that another termination may set you into a downspin of poor mental health, also you may not be able to conceive or mentally be ready in 6 months? I would simply have the baby.

I cannot understand why you are thinking on having a termination when you are planning to get pregnant in six months time. Surely, a pregnancy is not going to be in the way of all your financial plans.

Having an abortion or not is ultimately your decision, but I don’t think you would be able to look at your baby in 15 months time without thinking how the one who was aborted at such late date would have been like.

If you already hat PTS symptoms from the previous abortion, I really don’t think it is worth to go so through a similar trauma for the sake of having an extra 6 months to pay your debt, just stop cutting on non essential expenses/going out and you would be able to manage.

Does your DH actually understand what is involved with a termination? It may be that he doesn't and he's flippantly suggesting TTC in 6 months time.

It seems silly to me to put yourself through a termination now, to TTC in 6 months anyway. You seem resolute with the decision you've made but you never know what your mental health will throw at you afterwards. I'm all for plans and not changing them but what if the termination actually aggravates your MH and you're not in the right frame of mind to TTC in 6 months, will that then cause issues for your DH?

Surely you could manage with finances between now and then, juggle a few things and make it work? I'm all for the woman making the best choice for her, bodily autonomy etc but this sounds to me like a disaster waiting to happen. Your DH needs to look at getting a diagnosis too, it could alter his outlook on life if he is on the spectrum and understands things a bit more.

If there never has been a perfrct time to conceive, it seemed like a perfect time after youd debts would have been paid. But how do you know that in 6 months' time there won't be something else, more debts, another problem because he doesn't like change or wants to take responsibility? He could again come and say "oh, there is this reason, now first take driving lessons, we have to pay off the house furniture (more credit cards)" etc. while now instead you be planning WITH the baby in mind instead of extra building work. Houses most of the time cost a lot more than just buying the walls and there will be more costs. If he has this problem with everything having to be clear and paid, which is not always a problem and I agree that you can't be up to your neck in debts and want a baby but don't let him have another opportunity to postone it to eternity.

What I am saying is that he might have put a future arbitrary date for conceiving but he will still find another reason to set it back further and further.

I want to echo what someone said earlier you need to understand OP that it's not necessarily the case you'll get pregnant again, don't assume this will be the case.

I was at uni in the 90s and my flatmate had a late abortion which she found very traumatic (we were in 3rd year and she wanted to wait until she graduated); she had another abortion later that year because her and her boyfriend weren't as settled as they'd expected. Since then she's not been able to carry a baby. They adopted last year after suffering severe mental health problems after her last miscarriage. It's been heartbreaking to see, she convinced herself this was some sort of punishment.

You need to really think this through with someone independant.

In y months who knows what other things may pop up nothing in life is gaurenteed all you can do is roll with the punches the best you can and you don't need to be fully debt free to have a baby, if the trauma of an abortion is avoidable and he says he will support you just look at things to help the both of you feel more secure,

I honestly think if you really wanted the termination you would find a way.

I found a private clinic in London that would see me the next working day. The cost is about £800. Yes it's expensive, but cheaper than a baby. If you want a termination, you can do that - or you can travel - BPAS/Marie Stopes generally have sooner appointments if you're more flexible with locations.

If it's that you actually want to keep the baby & this is an excuse, then be honest about it & start preparing for that outcome instead.

Can I ask why you found out so late? You must have missed two periods already

he just likes to have a plan and stick to it

Sorry but that is about as far down the list of importance as possible when it comes to making this kind of decision. And 'we' would not be having a termination and going through this - YOU would.

This is about you, that's the bottom line. And you a. are not 100% about having a termination anyway and b. are REALLY not ok with having it that late.

I am slightly sickened I admit by the notion of terminating now and then trying for a baby in only six months time. Personally I think that that would almost be the hardest part of it all for you if you go ahead with this. The bottom line is, if you are not 100% ok with a termination then it is not going to be easy if you go down that route. I don't imagine that after making that choice, happily trying for a new baby in a matter of months is going to be a happy experience. Or having said baby. You need to really think about this.

Also, the fact is that if it would be fine in just 6 months time then you need to think about what makes it so impossible now. And if there are not absolutely unshakeable reasons, then the bottom line there is that part of it is about your rigid-thinking DH wanting it that way - just like, as someone said above, rebooking a fucking holiday. It's not like that. And if you go ahead partly because it suits him better, then you might change things between you forever. You can't go back once you're a ball of resentment and you end up blaming him. That would probably be the end.

You are pregnant NOW. It's not an equal either/or. The fact that he seems to think it is really NEEDS to be totally discounted, what he 'wants' in an ideal world needs to totally be discounted for his sake or you could end up wrecking this partnership. Only, only go ahead with a termination if you are 100%, absolutely 100%.

You're not being selfish. In fact, you need to start being more selfish.

Assuming he really does want to start a family soon, he's balancing the inconvenience of having to house-hunt and save money more quickly than he expected, against the physical and emotional impact of an abortion followed by TTC and motherhood on you. The only way you balance those two sets of consequences and decide in favour of the abortion is if you don't have to go through it and you don't really mind if the other person has to. It suggests quite a lack of empathy. Being generous to him, maybe he hasn't really thought about it - so you need to start telling him. Otherwise you're going to have a really shit time when the baby comes. Imagine all the other stuff he's going to think is really easy because he's not doing it. Childbirth. Being up all night breastfeeding. The isolation of maternity leave, and the practical difficulties and mixed emotions of going back to work. Dealing with a toddler. Dealing with a school aged kid who's getting bullied or not performing well. If you're not naturally equipped with a lot of empathy you have to listen really, really hard to be a decent parent and partner. He needs to start.

What if you can't conceive in 6 months, and this baby was the only chance you had? It's insane to abort then actively try so soon after. I am very much pro choice, but "bad timing" for the sake of a few months seems unreasonable to me.

I was in a similar situation - on the pill, just before Christmas and having to make an appointment for January knowing I'd have to spend Christmas in the company of DP's mother I was sure she'd 'know', so went privately, was seen practically the day I rang up and in and out that week, so didn't have time to think about it.

If you could have an abortion quickly would you have one? If so then it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than having a baby.

I think it’s an awful situation for you and your partners. There is no good outcome. I’m not sure I’d want a child with someone like your partner. If he struggles with this type of thing how on earth will he deal with a child. Being rigid in your ideas isn’t going to work with an actual real life person.
If I were you I think I’d find the money to abort then wait a few years to really settle down, save money and work out whether your partner is the right choice for a father to your kids.
However, if you feel you just can’t abort then you obviously can’t.

Can you get some emergency counselling?

Sorry for typos

Having the baby you are currently pregnant with will not delay any of your financial plans, unless you have HG and have to give up work like I did. We had a sudden death in the family, both had to leave our jobs, and 2 house moves during my pregnancy, then moved house again 2 days after DD was born - not ideal but we managed. Your husband fixating on a set date to conceive is ludicrous, conception doesn't work like that, not to mention abortions can cause issues with conceiving in future, and his attitude is clearly putting you under a great deal of pressure to abort despite your previous experience of a miscarriage and the MH issues that caused. 6 months will make very little difference in the scheme of things, and like others I would worry that is a meaningless platitude from your husband and when the time comes there will be another reason that it's 'not the right time'.

If you have a house deposit saved, then you have the money to get an abortion privately now, and the money to travel to whichever clinic will provide it - if that's what YOU want then there are no barriers.

I agree with people saying he probably won’t want to ttc in 6 months.

He did say he’ll support you no matter what so if you really want this baby then have it. If you want a termination go private if you can afford it. The nhs process is far too long winded imo.

Logically, it makes no sense to terminate a healthy baby, to try again in six months.

Speaking as someone who has had an early termination (when our family was very much already complete), I would not advise you to have a late one in your circumstances.

You’re not homeless or in any kind of traumatic situation, it’s just not ‘perfect’ timing. It’s a cliche but there really is no perfect time to have a baby and you are pregnant right now and want it. I believe you will really start to resent your husband if you terminate purely because he likes dates and rules. If you ever intend to have children together then he’ll have to work on this rigidity anyway, so maybe he could start working on it now.

What a lot of trauma to go through if only 6 months would make a difference. Your husband's view of the world and of your fertility is one which you can challenge. Not everyone gets pregnant at exactly the correct time or to order within 6 months.Best wishes and remember it's your body whichever decision you make.

You HAVE to travel. Call every clinic you can get hold of, get trains, Uber, the lot. It is worth spending money NOW to get this resolved ASAP.
Saying that the local clinics are all booked up means you have to go further afield.
If you won’t spend the money and get your butt to a clinic now, then you don’t really want to do this - in which case make plans for accommodating your unexpected arrival in 8 months time.

I dont even know where to start with this post tbh. Your OH sounds like a control freak who makes a plan and it has to be stuck to no matter what the cost to those around him. How on earth is he going to cope if you dont conceive in 6 months or in fact you dont ever conceive again. How will you cope if you terminate this pregnancy, then it doesnt happen again. Is he really the sort of person so lacking in empathy that he puts saving for a house above his unborn child?

No one on here - no one I guarantee you - has ever had a child to plan. Its never the best time or the most convenient time ever. Shit happens and you have to develop a resilience to that but also see it as a partnership - doing it, facing it together.

There is NEVER a right time for a baby and if he thinks that there is then he is deluding himself. Would you even want to try again in 6months after a termination?

You need to sit down with him and have a long hard chat about real life. and really if he is that lacking in empathy, do you want to be dealing with this sort of shit every time there is a life decision to make?

No perfect time. You have a house, a husband and jobs. That’s a better position than many start in.

You never know what your future fertility might be like

No way would I terminate a pregnancy, only to try again in 6 months, totally inappropriate for your dh to suggest it. Men suggesting terminations at the drop of a hat have no idea of what's involved, how it can impact on a woman's body (and sometimes fertility), how painful it is and how traumatic it can be. I say this as someone who has been through this process. If you don't want a termination then don't have one, he'll have to adapt or piss off! If you really wanted a termination you would find a way right now, either by travelling or paying privately or both.

Firstly, you are not being unreasonable to do whatever you want with your own body. Whether that's having an abortion or not at 14/15 weeks it's your body, your choice. I can totally appreciate you being hesitant to have a termination at that late stage, I would also not be able to do it.

Secondly, I highly doubt that in 9 months time your husband will look at your newborn baby and be resentful. Pregnancy is a huge thing to get your head around even when you do plan it - my pregnancy was planned but I had a bit of a breakdown when I actually did the test and it was positive. It wasn't until I was about 12 weeks and we had the ultrasound that it started to sink in, and then when she started kicking it actually got exciting.

I really feel for you op, it's such a highly emotive time, sending hugs x