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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
Howdidido · 19/11/2019 11:02

Agree it's insane to wait for an abortion but 6 months is a really short time. If it was 5 years then ok, or if it would really negatively impact on your life right now, ok. But honestly if you both genuinely want to ttc in 6 months don't abort this one.

Antibles · 19/11/2019 11:03

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

Having a late abortion only to try again in six months?! I'd do what feels right for you in your heart and ditch the partner.

zafferana · 19/11/2019 11:05

I'm really shocked and saddened by this post (and I'm usually pro-choice, because I don't believe any woman should be forced to go ahead with a pregnancy she doesn't want). The fact that you both DO want a pregnancy in six months time though makes your plan utterly tragic and I just don't see why you can't sit your inflexible DH down and say 'Look, I know this isn't what we planned and we were using contraception, but it's happened and I'm not going through a late-term abortion - my mental health couldn't stand it'.

Stand up for yourself OP! You're right, you do come across as a bit of a doormat and why does his rigidity and inflexibility trump your feelings? Stop putting yourself second and tell him that you won't go ahead with his plan, because it jeopardises your health!

As for getting an autism diagnosis, it doesn't mean he will be 'labelled' because you don't have to share it with anyone, but surely it would be helpful to him to have that self-knowledge? It might also make your life easier if the two of you have a reason for his unwillingness to ever compromise. And if he's not autistic, maybe he's just a selfish arse? If I were him, I think I'd rather have a diagnosis than have my DW think that.

Kit19 · 19/11/2019 11:06

Sorry if I missed this OP but why are you talking about paying for a termination? Are you not going through your GP?

I’m pro choice, ive had a termination but you really don’t sound sure that you actually want a termination. Please don’t have one to please other ppl xx

53rdWay · 19/11/2019 11:06

I am just naturally a bit of a doormat and I always put how other people feel before myself

This is going to really really hurt you, not just with this pregnancy but going forwards in life especially if you have children. I feel so sorry for you here. Please, find someone you can talk to and trust who can help you work out what YOU want to do, and help you get the confidence to trust that your feelings count. It is truly bonkers that both you and your husband would consider putting you through a second-trimester abortion you don't want for the sake of other people's plans.

HPFA · 19/11/2019 11:07

I guess I'm saying nothing that hasn't been said before but going through a very stressful late termination and then trying again in six months is beyond bonkers. If your husband is really so inflexible as not to see that then he's going to have a hell of a shock if and when a baby actually arrives. What if the "second" baby had a serious disability for instance? That would be difficult enough without the constant thought of "if only I'd just had the first one."

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 11:10

I'm honestly really scared I know whatever I choose will be really hard. I am so scared of making the wrong choice.

Also - sorry the six months thing is a bit confusing I mean six months from the end of Jan as our original plan was to TTC once we were in the new house - I know things don't always work like that I'm just trying to explain what we had discussed between us before this happened.

OP posts:
EstebanTheMagnificent · 19/11/2019 11:11

I never express an opinion on threads regarding termination but I truly think it would be madness to put yourself through this trauma for the sake of six months.

If your DH is going to be a decent co-parent then he will need to learn strategies to overcome his rigid thinking. He may as well start now.

Passthecherrycoke · 19/11/2019 11:13

Well, I mean obviously you can pay and travel. You can use the credit cards, arrange overdrafts etc. I suspect you don’t want to have one and that’s fine, especially considering what you’ve been through

You need to talk to DH and remind him all of the things here- you will be pregnant for the next 6 months so minimal impact on finances and living situations. He needs to tell you exactly what the problem is

everybodypuuuullllll · 19/11/2019 11:16

Whether it's 6 months or 8 months is neither here nor there.

It's utterly unreasonable of your DH to expect you to go through the trauma of an abortion only to TTC again so soon.

I'm pro-choice but this is so obviously not what you want.

If he said - HelpfulSailor, what do you want, I'll support it - what would you choose?

W0rriedMum · 19/11/2019 11:17

I would not terminate if you're going to try again in 6 months. I suspect your DF thinks of it as the morning after pill instead of the potential trauma it is. Why put your body through it?

Unless he's delaying the future plans really and this is a spanner in the works. Do you feel he's fully committed?

(For the record I am pro-Choice)

Lweji · 19/11/2019 11:18

I think you have two options.
Ring different clinics and get your appointment asap, or welcome the new baby.

In any case, babies don't come to order. In your case, it came earlier than you'd wish for, in my case it came later. We adapt.

In your case, you just have to sit tight and keep the baby. If your husband takes time to adapt, but does adapt, then he will.

If you can't get an earlier appointment, keep the current one just in case, but start planning for a new baby and see if it can fit or not in your lives. If that's what you want.

Annasgirl · 19/11/2019 11:19

HI OP,

I am not going to discuss whether or not you should have a termination as that is your decision.

However, I cannot understand why you cannot access an abortion pill though your GP if you are only just pregnant? I was involved in the campaign to legalise abortion here and we were told that up to 10 weeks pregnant you can get a medical abortion with a pill. Is there any reason you cannot access this now?

Countryescape · 19/11/2019 11:23

No way! If your looking at trying in 6 months anyway. I 100% would not have a termination.

letsdothetimewarpagain · 19/11/2019 11:24

My H (at the time, now exH) persuaded me to have a termination I didn't want to have and it ended our marriage. Not immediately, but it was a huge contributing factor in the events of the next few years. And I didn't have any mh issues or previous trauma to deal with.
Yes, a child is a huge commitment but if you are commited to having one so very soon anyway, please think long and hard before doing something so drastic to keep your H happy. If you even suspect a termination will be very difficult for you, having a baby 6 months earlier than planned is not the end of the world. Put it in perspective, you will have that child for 18 years (at least!) and you will both need to deal with all kinds of unexpected issues in that time. Life very rarely goes exactly to plan.
Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for you.

SafferUpNorth · 19/11/2019 11:27

I'm all for choices, but 'postponing' parenthood for 6 months by going through a late-term abortion? The trauma you've admitted this will cause you is a WAY MORE IMPORTANT consideration than paying off credit cards, buying a house or 'sticking to the plan'...
There is never a perfect time to have a baby. It need not be expensive. Gumtree is the way forward. You don't need the new pram, you need peace of mind.

Notodontidae · 19/11/2019 11:31

You are playing a dangerous lottery if your desire is to have children. You miscarried at 18, which would have been an absolutely terrible experience both mentally and physically. Hopefully physically everything settled down afterwards. Obviously the family planning has failed, but if your with the partner you love, and wanted children, you may need to set your sights lower, and rent a bedsit.

shookennotstirred · 19/11/2019 11:31

If you'd planned on having a baby anyway I'd say this is your chance. Take it.
I had a termination at 14 weeks for medical reasons, I fell pregnant by accident and was in total shock, then became very happy only to find out baby was terminally ill. I opted for a induced labour over a medical procedure as it was the only way they could run tests on the baby afterwards. It was horrendous, took 10 hours. Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary and I vividly remembered it all.
I'm very lucky to now have a 1 year old.
Basically, if you wanted a child anyway and are lucky enough to have fallen pregnant then why would you risk this opportunity for the sake of 6-12 months?

Cherry4weans · 19/11/2019 11:38

I'm 100% for women's complete body autonomy but this is an awful lot to go through just to delay for such a small time. There are sooooo many variables - a pregnancy and birth cannot be fully. planned for or predictable regardless of how you go about it. You can have everything you could possibly ever need and still not be ready.

TheTrollFairy · 19/11/2019 11:39

Your husbands stress will pass easier than the trauma of having an abortion at 14-15 weeks (and this is only if you have been dated correctly). I think they will need to scan you to check how far along you are and this means there is a chance you will see the baby and hear it’s heartbeat.

I wouldn’t abort in your situation. As everyone says, planning doesn’t mean it will be the right time. We planned a baby and I fell pregnant and before I found out I was pregnant my DP quit his job (I agreed that he could as he hated his job). Just after we had the baby he also got ill and needed an op 50 miles away from home and was again off work for months recovering.

You can still purchase a house and pay off debt, you just need to be better at saving rather than spending

WilsonandNoodles · 19/11/2019 11:40

When it comes to it an abortion in January or one now is never going to be emotionally trauma free. And what if you never conceive again or have future miscarriages? If you are thinking about children soon then just do it now.

Pussinboots25 · 19/11/2019 11:40

Remember you have 9 months of pregnancy OP so it’s not as if you are having the baby here and now. You can get the ball rolling with a house and be moved in by the time baby has arrived

TheTrollFairy · 19/11/2019 11:41

^^ just to add, there are risks with having a termination which could mean that you can’t conceive naturally afterwards. I’m not sure how high or low these risks are

user1486131602 · 19/11/2019 11:45

I suggest you call Marie stopes. They have clinics all over uk. And you will not have to wait.
I wish you well x

BendNSnap · 19/11/2019 11:45

This is very sad. There is never a perfect time to have children. You are talking about waiting months rather than years to start TTC again afterwards. Will your body and mind have recovered in a matter of months from the trauma? Your DH is minimising how traumatic this will be for you. When you do decide to start trying it could take years for you to conceive again. There are no guarantees when TTC. For the sake of a few months I would just accept that now is the time. It's not ideal and it's not how you had planned it but plans change.