Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I'm sorry you are having to wait this long OP.

However, to echo PP's, if you try again and fall pregnant in 6 months time your mental health will be a lot worse than it will through a 15 week termination. 6 months is not a very long time at all; if you fall pregnant immediately then you are looking at a baby being here in Feb 2020. You will think throughout your pregnancy "I could have a baby now". I would really consider whether it is an appropriate amount of time to wait after a termination. No judgement here on your choice though - it's your choice.

Thanks everyone I was on the pill and never missed so just unlucky I guess.

DH does struggle with change he gets there in the end he just finds it stressful, and needs more time to come to terms with stuff. He is not "tricking" me into saying we can TTC in six months it was just something we had decided on before.

I honestly don't think there is ever a perfect time to have a baby. Abortion is necessarily in a lot of circumstance but it doesn't seem to be here. If you had said I don't want baby for another few years then fair enough but honestly 6 months absolutely flies by . You don't know how long it will take either for your next baby to be conceived. So imagine if you aborted now and then started trying in 6 months you are going to most likely be unwell mentally from the trauma of this and your body will be in a stressful state you may not conceive for a long time and this will add to the feelings of poor mental health . Also if you were to conceive quickly you may find when you give birth you would grieve for the other baby that could have been ( given it's only a few months ) may trigger that.
I am sorry your in this position and I really don't doubt how hard it must be for you but I really think we don't know any certainties in life and if you are in a position where you want a baby don't postpone 6 months when you have been lucky enough to conceive now.

When I wanted our “last baby” we planned it so it was perfect, even down to the babies birthday being spread out from the other family members birthdays 😂 During the next 9 months I had the most horrendous morning sickness, my DD became so ill she was hospitalised for 4 months and had to use a wheelchair for most of my pregnancy, my best friend who was also pregnant lost her baby, MIL got cancer and my lovely grandad also got cancer and we thought he wouldn’t make it, I was a stay at home mum and my husband was made redundant when baby was 6 weeks old.
My point is that we had planned it all and life threw us a few curveballs. Some things you cannot plan. I fb you are going to ttc in 6 months I would say to just roll with the move with baby in tow x

You said it yourself, you aren’t thinking straight. Very understandable.

Make an urgent appointment and discuss with your GP. If you are in the UK I don’t believe there is no possible way of having a termination until a point at which it becomes much more difficult and risky to your health. If it’s what you truly want you would find a way to travel if you had to.

Which leads to the question of, is this what you want? You have short term obstacles which will be resolved quite soon. You want a family, just not quite this soon. You have had a terrible previous experience of TOP.

Go and seek urgent support, OP. Your DH’s fixed views are affecting your judgement.

Best wishes.

Why can't you still do that whilst pregnant?
Cards would be paid off before baby arrived and nothing to stop you applying for mortgage.

Agree - I saved at least 500 per month when pregnant my salary Didnt change whilst pregnant in fact I had 5 k saved for maternity leave

I wouldn't abort to try in six months. Six months is no time at all. If he's going to want a baby then; he can get used to having one now - it might take longer if he's quite set in the plan, but he must also see that six months is so short that you won't even have given birth. It's no time.

You should absolutely do what feels right to you, but I wouldn't be able to abort and then have kids within a few years. I don't think my mental health would cope; and that's without any previous miscarriages or trauma.

He won’t want to try again in 6 months. He wants you to terminate this inconvenient (for him) pregnancy, and once you’ve done that he will come up with a million reasons why you can’t try in 6 months (or a year or 6 years).

No decent man in a stable relationship would be that bothered by a 6 month time difference in plans.

If you weren't in a position to have a baby for years then I would say get the termination if you felt you could cope with it psychologically. However to terminate now but try again in six months is bonkers.

I have autism so trust me, I understand how upsetting and stressful it is when plans change at short notice but your husband has months to get his head around it.

6 months?!?! It would be ridiculous.

That’s assuming you have a 9 month pregnancy too in 6 months

(I sure as hell didn’t, I was pregnant for 6 months)

Time isn’t guaranteed. You guys need to build a bridge over that one

Also forgot to say when you are trying for a baby it could be months or years so I don't think your husband would ever have an exact time scale to get his head around

Sorry OP, but I think terminating a pregnancy only to try again in 6 months is pretty horrific. The reason being it would be more convenient in 6 months time... Wow. Credit cards would be paid off during the pregnancy and moving house is not impossible during pregnancy. I believe it’s a woman’s right to chose but to abort to try again in 6 months as more logistically convenient is absolutely shocking.

Surely if you can buy the house and pay off the cards in six months & you’re currently two months pregnant then the baby would be due after this had happened anyway? If you were saying 5 or 6 years then it would make more sense, but termination for the sake of the timing being off by six months, the physical and mental health repercussions from terminating for that reason, especially if you struggled to get pregnant again, which is always a possibility would really impact both you personally and your feelings towards him if the drive to do it is his?

It does sound like there are other issues though which need some serious discussion - if he likes things to go according to plan, struggles with change etc - babies & parenting in general involves an awful lot of sacrifice, unpredictability and mess and chaos, plus a lifetime of changes, not all of which you can plan rigidly for. How is he going to cope with that regardless of whether it’s this time or in six months time?

I hope it works out whatever you decide

What would you do if this was your only chance to have a baby? You are not guaranteed multiple pregnancies. I know several people who have secondary infertility, so I would tread very carefully thinking that TTC in six months time will guarantee you a baby. It might work, but it might not.

Abortion isn't without risks from a medical point of view (infection etc). I agree with everyone who is saying if you wanted to ttc in 6 months then it seems like madness to terminate this pregnancy. If it's just about not being able to get an appointment then look further afield. Don't go through with a 15 week termination if it's going to be detrimental to your MH though.

I’m struggling to understand.

A private abortion or the cost of traveling to a clinic with an earlier appointment are cheaper than the cost of raising a child.

You can’t have a baby now but getting pregnant in 6 months would be OK.

These things just don’t make sense.

I agree that it sounds like you don’t really want a termination but your DH does and he doesn’t seem to care that waiting until 15 weeks could have serious impacts on your physical and mental health.

Your husband seems very flippant regarding abortion. He clearly doesn’t understand or care about the impact it has. I’m sorry but his struggle with change takes a back seat in this situation, his feelings are not the priority.

It would be crazy to terminate this pregnancy just to try again in 6 months, utterly bonkers. I also agree with others, if you really wanted an abortion, you’d find a way to do it before January. And I say that as someone who had one at 17, when I didn’t drive, lived with my unsupportive, abusive boyfriend and had no family support.

If you will have paid things off in six months, if you have this baby, you'll have paid everything off before you have the baby.

I had DS last August. DH started a new job in spring and we moved house 6 hours away. We then bought the house a couple of weeks before DS was born.
Not ideal doing it pregnant but it really is doable!
It sounds like terminating isn’t the right idea for you. Don’t put yourself through it if you have the support of your DH.

6 months?!
I honestly think to abort a child now, to go through the trauma, the stress on your body, the emotional distress, the recovery, for the sake of 6 months is ridiculous.
I don’t think your husband has any real idea of what effect an abortion can have, for the sake of “a fixed date” in 6 months time.
Either that or he has no intention of trying for a baby in 6 months time.

You need to decide what you want, for you. He doesn’t sound that great in all honesty.

Aborting to try in 6 months is ridiculous putting you through the mental and physical trauma to what hope to be in the exact position you are now except your mental health has taken a hit

I think you need a long chat about the fact that the baby is here though not ideal a 14 week abortion isn’t going to magic this all away you will be left with the mental and physical scars of doing so. Whatever the plan was it can’t be that now. He has to adapt and change

If he is genuine about waiting 6 months and then TTC, is that delay really worth a huge risk to your MH?
I would consider the lesser of two evils being trying to move with a new born/moving just before birth or potentially having to support you massively through your MH struggles that may follow.

You truly don't know how these things may effect you and as someone above said, if hes just saying 6 months to placate you then that's a different challenge.

I’m baffled that the clinic is saying January - I mean a termination is a time limited procedure!

If you are in the UK I genuinely don’t understand why you can’t travel. I can’t drive either but trains/buses/taxis. Ok so you may need to overnight in a hotel before travelling back but it’s not insurmountable. Will your DP go with you?

(a) I'm horrified that you would have to wait so long that is appalling even though i am well aware of the state of the NHS

(b) no i would not terminate if i was going to be TTC in 6 months. are we sure DH isn't a bit tomorrow never comes on the subject of having children?

my first DS was not planned and yes ok it took us a little longer to buy our house but we lived in a rented house with him quite happily until we did. there is never an ideal time.

I understand the 'perfect plan' issues here a little, but its worth pointing out that there is no guarantee you will fall pregnant again after this. How will you and your DH feel if, having terminated this pregnancy you then find you can't conceive in six months time?

Making 'perfect plans' about pregnancy is really not a good way to try and live your life, because they are not going to come off most of the time.

If your DH really can't adapt to a change in timing of 6 months, then how will he cope with the vast lack of control around giving birth, feeding, potential developmental delays, and really all the total uncertain and death of planning that having children so often brings with it?