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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
puds11 · 19/11/2019 09:32

Does your husband drive?

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:32

Sorry we had planned on TTC in about six months anyway not meaning to drip feed just don't have a very clear head.

OP posts:
Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 19/11/2019 09:32

I've heard it said there will never be a right time financially to have a baby. It will be tougher to have the baby now but thinking of your mental health it's better to get some financial advice and make some changes to your plans so you can keep the baby.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:33

Husband dosn't drive either for health reasons.

OP posts:
TwiddleMuff · 19/11/2019 09:33

Why can’t you delay the house buying process? People move houses with babies all the time. Having a termination (that sounds like it could be traumatic for you) because of a credit card and a house doesn’t make sense.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/11/2019 09:34

We will have bought a house and paid off our credit cards.
We have just saved enough for our deposit and are about to start the mortgage process and in six months we will have both paid off our credit cards. In nine months our renal agreement is up and we are hoping to move into a new place in August

Why can't you still do that whilst pregnant?
Cards would be paid off before baby arrived and nothing to stop you applying for mortgage.

FastAway · 19/11/2019 09:34

Your DH doesn’t drive either?

At 14/15 weeks I would guess you are going for a surgical procedure, which honestly won’t be much different to a surgical procedure at any other amount of weeks. You won’t see or feel anything different. Were you hoping for a medical procedure?

SlackerMum1 · 19/11/2019 09:35

Only you can decide whether carrying on with the pregnancy is a good idea or not OP so won’t comment on that. But I’d recommend you go straight to your GP and explain the issue including your history of PTSD and serious mental health concerns. In these circumstances there are alternative routes than booking directly with the clinic.

puds11 · 19/11/2019 09:35

Is it possible you are both fixating on the 6 months date you’ve set yourself and not sat back and thought practically how having a baby earlier would work? I know I fixate on dates and get a bit flummoxed when things don’t happen when I’ve timed them. My own daughter was 6 months earlier than I planned.

FastAway · 19/11/2019 09:36

If you have savings and want a termination then take that money and get it done sooner privately. Honestly it just doesn’t make sense to have a second trimester termination because of logistics and then TTC a few months later, if you have the money to sort it out.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/11/2019 09:36

If you want the baby keep it.

Straycatstrut · 19/11/2019 09:37

I think at that stage it'll definitely cause you a lot of emotional distress for a long time. It may not be easy to get pregnant again after that and then you'll have wished you hadn't, which would make it a hell of a lot worse. I don't think your OH gets it the emotional (and physical) impact here.

But I also understand your financial situation and you want to be settled, me & ex weren't and struggled like mad and in the end that contributed to our split. The boys barely see their dad, and I barely have the strength for bedtime stories. That's all very important to think about, very stressful too.

Is it not worth looking into travelling a bit further to a clinic? I'm on the breadline and have to travel 100 miles to get my son to a specialist hospital, his life obviously has to come before the bills etc.

Newbie1999 · 19/11/2019 09:39

I also feel that if you are pregnant now and your husband would prefer you to terminate, there’s little chance he’ll want to TTC in 6 months time. Just my opinion.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/11/2019 09:39

Your DH isn't good with change or adapting - how will he cope if you TTC in six months and nothing happens? How would he cope with IVF, if it were needed?

It sounds a little bit as though he thinks things can be regimented and work to his schedule. Maybe you could point out that it might not!

For the sake of 6 months, I'd go through with this pregnancy. If he can't adapt to this, then he may struggle with a baby anyway...

Cantdoitanymorehelp · 19/11/2019 09:40

Does your DH drive? He can take emergency unpaid leave and take you to a clinic further away. That is if you want that.

Mopmum35 · 19/11/2019 09:40

Ok so you both didn't want a baby right now. You should of done more to prevent pregnancy... you've had a miscarriage at 12 weeks which obviously had a hugh affect on you so do you really think you could have an abortion and live with yourself?? So 6 months you will try for a baby but in 6 months you still will be pregnant Confused it doesn't make sense to get rid of this baby then try for another baby in 6 months, It doesn't sound like you couldn't cope with a baby in what... 8 months time. It's up to you but it just doesn't make sense.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:40

I am by nature a more flexible person he is more fixed on dates.

I agree there is no perfect time.

I think I am also struggling with the fact that I had come to terms with having a termination and I feel like I don't have a choice anymore.

OP posts:
Cantdoitanymorehelp · 19/11/2019 09:42

If it was me I would keep the baby. How would you feel if you terminate now and then ttc in 6 months and don’t get pregnant, it way take a while for your periods to settle again or if you get pregnant and miscarry. Remember 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage so it’s a definite possibility.

albus55 · 19/11/2019 09:42

There is no 'right time' to have a baby. Speaking as somebody who has had a termination, I would have the baby because everything works out in the end and six months is not a long time. We've just managed to move(buy) and renovate a house with a 2 year old and pregnant with the second and still keep on top of finances - it's all doable. You might get six months down the line, start trying and it take two years to conceive, have the baby

pumpkinpie01 · 19/11/2019 09:43

It would be detrimental to your mental health to have an abortion only to TTC in 6 months time. Honestly there is never the perfect time to have a baby there will always be a holiday to go on, a new car needs to be saved for, debts to pay off, moving house there is usually always something that makes you think its not 100% the right time. But you can pay off debts, move house etc with a baby too.

puds11 · 19/11/2019 09:43

What do you want to do? Forgetting money/dh/house etc.

ign0re · 19/11/2019 09:43

I really wouldn't be terminating a baby to only try again in 6 months.

I say this as someone who has had 2 terminations, and my most recent one has caused some problems for me. I would never have risked that to only be trying again in 6 months.

There is no perfect time.

TheABC · 19/11/2019 09:44

Have the baby. You emotional and mental well-being does not trump his feelings. Frankly, if you did go through an abortion now, given the reasons you listed above, the relationship could well be over before you TTC. I would be very resentful of a man - who is supposed to support and love me - pressuring me into an abortion I did not want.

Draw up a plan, showing how you can cope financially with the baby. You have 8 months to pay down debt and prepare for maternity leave. Yes, the timing is horrible but you are not abandoning your financial goals forever: merely pressing "pause" on then whilst your family plans speed up!

PandaPantaloon · 19/11/2019 09:44

I really don't understand why you can't travel. I live in a country where abortion was illegal until recently and I travelled to a whole other country for an abortion, I didn't drive and didn't have 1000s of pounds in my bank account either(I assume you do as you said you have a house deposit). I travelled by bus and ferry for close to 24hrs with horrendous morning sickness because I really didn't want to be pregnant any more.
I think you don't actually want an abortion(which is 100% your choice), if you did you would find a way to travel for one.

UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 19/11/2019 09:44

On the face of this it seems bonkers thinking from your husband. Either

  • he has no intention of TTC in 6 months or
  • he some unbelievably rigid thinking going on and is wholly dismissing the impact on you. This isn’t cancelling an order for a washing machine now because you’d be better placed to afford one in 6 months time.

I say this because most committed couples who got pregnant just 6 months ahead of schedule would say “ah crap earlier than we planned but ultimately what we wanted so ok let’s crack on and make the best of it”