Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I agree with JamieVardysHavingAParty if you do go ahead with the pregnancy there is no need to feel guilty about having considered a termination. I think most people will agree a surprise baby (even if you want a baby at some point) comes as a big shock and not always a welcome one initially. I remember a friend telling me she found out she was pregnant at 43 and sobbed her heart out, however once she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy she moved on and her feelings changed, she now has a great relationship with her ds .

At the same time I think you have only got so many responses about keeping the baby because you said you wanted to ttc very soon anyway and it's only finances that put you off (even though they don't sound that bad really). If you said you are definitely not feeling ready emotionally yourself and you will be putting off having a baby for some time you would get a lot of support for having a termination. Your mental health is very important.

If you said you are definitely not feeling ready emotionally yourself and you will be putting off having a baby for some time you would get a lot of support for having a termination. Your mental health is very important.

I want to add to this. I, for one, have zero moral qualms about you terminating and trying again very soon. I genuinely, honestly don't care.

The only thing that bothers me here is that you don't want a termination at 15 weeks.

I am pro- choice of the woman. I really don't like it when women feel coerced into having babies they don't want, and I really don't like it when women feel coerced into having terminations they don't want. The only thing I care about is your welfare. As it is, the impact on your mental health later down the line concerns me, and how you might feel if, in the best case scenario, you conceive at the exact time you planned. Pregnancy and childbirth are psychologically fraught times, and if they follow so closely after an event like a post-12 week termination (that is especially difficult for you because of prior circumstances), I worry that it's going to knock you for six. It seems like ideal set-up for post-natal depression.

At the moment, you're scared that you've started this pregnancy off too badly to continue just because you initially wanted to terminate. I am concerned that if you terminate and conceive again, that your anxiety will switch targets and you might always dwell on this pregnancy and what you might have had and that you'll feel guilty for choosing to have the second one.

I genuinely wish you well, whatever you're going to do and I do hope that whatever you pick, it works out perfectly for you.

He is saying make the decision you want and you do need to

A baby is not a convenience for you to have when you fancy and dispose of when you don't. You were both consenting adults who chose to have sex knowing full well it may make a baby. You can't pick and choose and play with human life this way. Personally it makes me feel ill knowing someone could get rid of a baby simply because of a little debt and for the sake of 6 months

I get that, buffy, but also feel the op is not with the right person at the moment.

Her DH isn’t necessarily the wrong person. He might be stupid, rather than evil and controlling.

I agree with what @JamieVardysHavingAParty said. No qualms here either - your body your choice. I don’t buy into all the shame mongering on here. It just seems like you don’t want to do it. It seems like you want to not feel guilty about being pregnant - but having a termination you don’t want definitely won’t solve that. Anxiety switching targets is a perfect way to describe it. You’ll absolutely end up dwelling on this instead, if you don’t want to terminate.

I haven't read every post but pretty sure I get the gist.

You don't want a late termination. If it could be next week you're fine with it.
Your H wants a termination any way you can, yet is fine with trying again in 6 months. (which doesn't make sense to me and would be hard on you)

Are you in the UK? If you are then you can without doubt get a termination as soon as you need. Privately might be £800 (as a previous poster said), and on the NHS would be free. If no clinic can arrange it before the end of January (which I can't believe), then go and see your GP. You can have a 'medical' termination (with tablets) easily up to 10 weeks and even up to 24 weeks in a clinic. www.bpas.org/contact-us/find-a-clinic/

Overview of your situation I've surmised from your posts: You don't want a termination but your H does. A termination is not without risk. You could have a termination and never fall pregnant again. You would regret this termination for the rest of your life. If you are considering trying again in 6 months, then keep this baby, even if it means ditching your husband. A baby is for life, a husband often is not. Sorry to be blunt.

This is a baby we're talking about, not some sort of disposable object. Basically, it's not a huge problem to have the baby, it's just a bit inconvenient. And there's no guarantee of another pregnancy - it might never happen!

It is absolutely okay for OP to decide that a termination is her best interests.

Whether it is in her best interests if she was planning on ttc in six months time is a separate issue.

I struggle to see why TTC six or even eight months from now would be significantly better. You can still pay off credit card loans and get the house move sorted out while pregnant. Babies don't cost much at all in the early days- they sleep with you in your room for the first six months anyway so you don't need a nursery until then and a very big Moses basket costs about £30 from ASDA. If you can breastfeed, they eat for free for the first six months too. There are nappies and clothes but you can even get them very cheaply.

I get that it's not ideal and having this baby would be inconvenient, but for the sake of six months....

To SweetCaroline
Thank you

To buffythevampireslayer91 Fri 22-Nov-19 14:58:47
Spot on - well said.
DMc

Taking responsibility doesn’t necessarily mean keeping the baby, and this is the wrong board to be pushing a pro life agenda on.

TO LissJas Thu 21-Nov-19 16:04:19

“Same stupid irresponsible attitude that you and your husband seem to have.
What a truly horrible thing to post. You clearly have NO understanding of the OP's situation.”

You’re correct in one aspect. None of us have any understanding of the OP’s situation other than what they have posted. How can we; how can you? We can only take the situation in the way it was posted, which is what most people seem well able to do.

‘Truly Horrible’?
Really. Let’s have a look shall we. The OED (Oxford English Dictionary) definition of ‘stupid’ is ‘Lacking intelligence or common sense’.
I do not accuse them of lacking intelligence with respect to this matter, clearly they are intelligent enough to understand that sex can lead to pregnancy, indeed, it seems from what she says that she would like to have a baby. However, do they seem, from what we have been told, that they exercised common sense.
I confess I do not know whether or not they used any form of contraception but from the original post it seems unlikely. If that is the case then the criticism of stupid and irresponsible, stands within the definition of the OED,
If I have upset the OP then I humbly apologize. Nevertheless, as in my original post, do you not think people should take responsibility for their own actions?
In this respect I stand by my original post and if the moderators of this site think about a little further they may well re-instate it.
From my experience the OP will never regret having the baby but may well regret aborting it.
DMc

Poor you, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation x

But 6 months is nothing. I got pregnant 6 months before the end of a fixed term training contract and it was not ideal at all. The plan had been to wait til the end of my training and get a job and then try. I am totally pro choice in all circumstances but I could never have aborted to try again in 6 months. Was it ideal? But would 6 months have made that much difference in the grand scheme of things? Probably not.

When I got pregnant with my first DD, we were living in my grandmother's flat temporarily (while she was in a hospital) and were both unemployed. So homeless and jobless. We moved to my DP (now DH) mum's house when I was 3 months pregnant and partner got a job. Now, 5 years later we have 2 DDs, live in a different country, DH has a great job and we rent. Renting is the norm for young families here so I don't really get the resentment.

So long story short, we were in a ridiculous pickle with out finances, living conditions, debt etc but made it work and I never thought we couldn't do it.
PS! I am totally pro choice, if you feel it is the right thing to do, 'borrow' some money from the deposit and get it done privately ASAP.

It’s heartless to terminate a pregnancy only to ttc four months later. How can you both reconcile that ?

It’s heartless to terminate a pregnancy only to ttc four months later.

No its not. It might be a bit pointless, but it is not heartless.

Whereas your inference, there, was fairly heartless...

This is a baby we're talking about, not some sort of disposable object.

It isn't a baby. Currently it is an embryo. If OP is forced to wait until Jan it would be a fetus. But not a baby.

From what I'm reading he doesn't disapprove of your decision - he wants you to make the decision right for you, which is the opposite of disapproval.

I think you're so used to trying to make the decisions other people want you to make that you're tying yourself in knots and trying to imagine yourself as a mind reader so you can make this decision on the basis of what he wants. Hence why you've got this idea of him "disapproving" you're tormenting yourself with. And why you're struggling because you're not used to prioritising your own needs and wellbeing when you make decisions.

I think individual counselling is important for you; I think you would just sit there second guessing and trying to say what you thought he wanted you to say if you tried joint therapy. Probably without even consciously meaning to.

Have you tried sitting down and writing a pros and cons list? Don't stop to analyse or weigh up just pour out everything in your head onto a piece of paper. Your ultimate decision might not be based on what you wrote down, but sometimes the act of getting all this swirling stuff on paper can clear your mind to see what you feel is the right decision. And sometimes seeing things written down makes you realise they're not as significant or true or impossible as they felt when they were in your head.

Such a difficult decision. You also need to think of all of the "what ifs?" As well. What if you cannot conceive again when you want to? What will be the effects on your PTSD of terminating late in the second trimesters where you may have to actually give birth to the dead fetus? Can you cope with a late termination? Does waiting until the "ideal time" really mean this much? You need to focus on what you want.