Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I've had a abortion, so I am in no way judging you. But to abort to try and get pregnant again in 6 months seems crazy, it's such a short period of time. In your situation I would put everything aside and keep it, obviously only you can decide, and that's you, not your husband, it's your body therefore it's 100% your choice.

And honestly, I'm fine with my decision to abort but I did struggle with it for quite a few months, especially in the first few weeks when hormones crash, it's not a easy thing to go through, or live with.

Get some counselling beforehand, I didn't and I really wish I did, it wouldn't have changed my mind but I think it would have helped cope better.

@Stuckinanutshell you make so many great points..

People are on the breadline having babies every day. They manage.

For the sake of £2k and to try for another baby in 6 months is complete fucking madness and makes me question what you'd actually be like as a parent.

If you want this termination, you need to look harder. I don't believe you when you say you're looking further afield. If you really wanted one you'd pay for it.

Get your head out of the sand. And for gods sake, if you do terminate, give yourself at least a year before you try again and double up on contraception in the mean-time.

If you're going to try again in 6 months then there's no way I'd terminate...wtf is the point in that?
Oh just because your husband had a plan...big deal. The best laid plans and all that

Keep the baby

I can't believe you're still undecided, after all the responses on here. I really thought you'd come back and say we're all right, and you're relieved because you do really want the baby. That you'd spoken to your husband, and he'd understood and reiterated that he would support you in having this baby.

But you're saying you still can't decide? And you do have to take his opinion into account, even though he has no concept of what he's asking?

I don't know what to say.

I can't believe you're still undecided, after all the responses on here.

Ffs. It’s a huge decision. It’s not your place to pressure the op or make them feel guilty for now immediately bowing to the wisdom of MN.

It's not a huge decision if you intend to do it all over again a mere 6 months down the line

My concern is your husband's rigid thinking - does he realise that babies can't be scheduled?

Does he realise that they won't fall into any sort of plan, that children bring chaos and unpredictability?

I am fervently pro-choice, but, I do read a tiny little red flag waving in the corner of your posts. Are you sure there's no coercion from your DH here?

And you've had a miscarriage in the past? Wouldn't this make you want to keep this pregnancy even more? This gets so much worse

The miscarriage is not relevant to the decision to continue with this pregnancy or not.

The guilt tripping and pressure on the op to make the “right” decision is really inappropriate and not what this board should be about.

Don't see the point in trying in 6 months time? The reasoning is stupid. Ive seen you want to buy a house ect but what expense is going to come when you're 7/8 odd months pregnant anyway?? Babies don't have to be expensive, you can manage quite well not buying all the unnecessary crap.

I have a friend, she went through the exact experience, her dp was against it and she wanted baby and he promised let's try next year ect. She terminated and it was the worst decision she ever made for herself. Expecting now and got pregnant 9 months after the termination. It destroyed their relationship for quite a while.

The only person who can make the right choice is you op, but if you terminate I would not try again 6 months later, I'd leave it for quite a while.

he just struggles to see past the end of his own nose sometimes

Then just tell him that this baby is happening. There's no reason you can't pay off the credit cards while pregnant, if you were planning to be done in the next months anyway. You both want a child. You're pregnant now. Nobody knows if this will ever happen again.Don't throw it away because it's a couple of months too early. And I say this being fully pro-choice. Honestly it is not the same as re-booking a holiday, like your DH seems to believe.

I've been pondering over this thread OP, I hope you're ok

I keep coming back to comments like "he struggles to see past the end of his nose"

This isn't about him. It's YOU who would carry the baby, go through childbirth. Or a termination. YOU

what do you want to do?

Does your 'D'H realise that life throws surprises at you - cars breaking down, unexpected Bill's like a boiler repair etc etc. The list is endless. You cannot plan life like that, it just won't work. That's how life works. He can want to micromanage every aspect of life but he'll quickly be disappointed.

And it does sound like you're weighing up a CC balance vs a baby. That's exactly how your posts read. It makes me wonder if this is you talking, or your DH.

Whether you terminate or not isn’t anything to do with your dh.

I would question if a baby is right for someone who isn’t flexible enough to see that trying to conceive what could be 12 weeks after you have aborted one baby is total madness.

Getting pregnant isn’t just about ordering from a menu and expecting a baby when you are ready.
Things can go wrong even to very young, fit and healthy people.

The reality of a child doesn’t match with someone who leads such a rigid life.

I really question whether your dh will be able to cope with a baby/child in the house.

He does know just because he plans something, baby/child isn’t going to necessarily conform.

That babies don’t wake up or go to bed at the time he sets.
They don’t feed or sleep or play to his schedule.

You are giving him unrealistic expectations that the other human being in the family is going to take on board his wants and needs.

I think the pair of you are in for one huge shock if you go for an abortion and then expect life to just go as planned after.

Very disappointed in the deletion there.

If there is any real useful contribution people can make to this thread now it's actually some straight talking.

You need to take charge of this situation OP and leave your husband out of it.

I think the pair of you are in for one huge shock if you go for an abortion and then expect life to just go as planned after.

Exactly.

Or rather, life will go on just as planned as far as the H is concerned and I think OP is potentially in for feeling as if she's been absolutely blindsided and regretting a decision hugely.

I wonder if the DH means they'll "look at the finances again in 6 months" rather than start ttc in 6 months. It's all very strange. I think he doesn't really want the baby and will come up with more excuses in 6 months.
I don't think their finances sound that great actually - they can't come up with the money to pay for an abortion or for travel to another area to get one so they have absolutely nothing to fall back on.
They have credit card debts and an overdraft. Yes, it might all be paid off in the 6 months and it might not. All they need is for one fairly expensive thing to break and they'll be back to square one.

If they really do want to have a baby and start trying in 6 months then it would be silly to abort this baby for the sake of a few months for all the reasons others have given.
But will things really be better financially in 6 months so that they can try for another baby?

Awful decision to have to make really. I hope the OP is getting some non-directional advice so she can make up her own mind.

I disagree that you should leave the husband out of it. This has disaster written all of it no matter what. The man has shown you he is inflexible and unable to adapt to put someone else’s needs above his own. I don’t know which would be worse for you parenting with him whilst married or whilst divorced.
If I was you I’d pull the plug on the whole thing, terminate. Get divorced and start again. You’ll save yourself 18 years of misery.

If I were you and you want to go ahead with the abortion but earlier, i'd ring the clinic back and ask either to go on a waiting list to bring your appointment forward if there are any cancellations (i'm sure women must change their minds all the time who are already booked in) or if they can suggest anywhere else that you could go that could see you much earlier as you don't want to wait that long. I have to second other opinions though that it seems a bit odd to me if you're planning to actively try in 6 months time anyway but it's your lives and your decision at the end of the day.

Hey I've had an abortion, when I still wanted another little one. I rushed into it as the situation was complicated, felt overwhelmed. With a tendency for having a delicate mental health I suffered severely. Still do, nearly three years on. I did go on to have a little one this summer. You have to do what's right for YOU!!! Else it will be incredibly hurtful towards yourself if you make this decision when you don't want to. Life is too short to suffer like this.

There is a huge amount of faux wide-eyed naivety on this thread that is, honestly, vomit inducing.

If you are pro choice, you are pro choice. That’s all there is to it. The woman’s right to choose what happens to her body is sacrosanct, and no one has the right to interfere with that.

If you are pro choice...except for...X, Y and Z reasons; then what is the point in posting? Three hundred other people have already said it. The OP gets it. Constantly beating her over the head with your woke “pro-choiceness” (that’s actually anything but) is bloody pointless and downright mean.

You aren’t pro-choice. You want to make the choice for her. You are badgering her to make the choice you want. That’s not fucking pro-choice.

I really sympathise, it's a horrible situation to be in and it is important to acknowledge and understand that there is no right answer, no correct thing to do, and whatever you choose to do you will probably experience doubts and regrets so you need to be able to forgive yourself in advance and be determined not to second-guess yourself once you have made a decision. There isn't a decision open to you which will lead to everything being absolutely fine, but whatever happens you'll get through the not-fine bits to be OK in the end.

You can try to weigh up the relative trauma and stress of being 6 months too early in terms of financial planning against the trauma and stress of an abortion at 14+ weeks and decide which will feel more survivable. You may not be able to predict this perfectly.

This is your body, and your choice. You are not responsible for your DH's emotions about it.

If you are pro choice, you are pro choice. That’s all there is to it. The woman’s right to choose what happens to her body is sacrosanct, and no one has the right to interfere with that

But if you read the thread the op is taking her dh’s rigid way of thinking into account and isn’t thinking of herself and the baby alone so on this case her body isn’t sacrosanct