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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
DavidJMcCobb · 21/11/2019 18:49

Nevertheless it was true.
Maybe the truth often is a sentimental pile of old sh*
On the other hand, do you not think people should take responsibility for their own actions?
DMc

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 21/11/2019 19:00

I don't "want" to terminate and try again in 6 months.

My husband said - We should terminate and try again when we said we would which happens to be in six months.

But this was before we had a better conversation last night.

And it is two separate councilling sessions not joint.

Could someone explain to me why couples therapy would be bad if he is coercive? I keep Googling it but I can't find an answer and I want to know.

I am away with work tonight and in a hotel with my own thoughts it is good to get some space.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 21/11/2019 19:24

I don't see how your circumstances could change that drastically in 6 months....

It's an uncomfortable thought that you will access a free service to have an abortion now and plan to possibly get pregnant again before the due date for this baby has even passed....

worriedmama1980 · 21/11/2019 20:03

In abusive/coercive relationships, one party is entering counselling in good fait, trying to find a mutually agreeable solution/reach a shared understanding/compromise etc, but the other is focused on manipulating the situation to get what they want. Often people who are abusive or coercive are v skilled manipulators and can even fool a councillor so it means the process isn't beneficial for the other partner. As I understand it, that's the main reason why couples counselling isn't advised if there's a history of coercion or abuse.

I planned to get pregnant at 33, it took four months to conceive, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, it took another 9 months to conceive, and I became a mother at 35. It's worth considering what would be more disruptive to yo ur plans and how strongly you feel about conceiving- if a baby in 18 months is ideal, would a baby in 9 months be worse than a baby in 5 years that took three years to conceive? No reason why you would but on the whole I think it's fair to say about 25% of my friends with children had children when they planned, the others had some form of delay/miscarriage/investigations etc. We were all 30s when we started and we almost all got there in the end, but it's worth considering all angles.

Having been through the process of TTC it has actually made me more pro choice, but equally I couldn't consider what you're thinking of if there was any possibility of wanting a child within two years knowing what I know now. So do really think about all the possible outcomes before you make a decision.

Emmapeeler1 · 21/11/2019 20:10

Hi @HelpfulSailor. Sorry for all the unsupportive posts you have on a pregnancy choices board. To me, unless I have missed something your DH doesn’t sound coercive in the normal sense but he does sound unable to put himself in your position on this particular issue. I personally think that couples counselling might help him see your point of view.

Besidesthepoint · 21/11/2019 20:10

*If this was your only chance to have a child, would you still abort it now?

There’s absolutely no reason to think that this would be the case.*

Except that an abortion can perforate the uturus. Except that I used to work in a hospital and have heard multiple woman feel sorry for themselves when they weren't conceiving and regretted the abortion they had years before. Except that it can absolutely be the case. Secondary infertility is quite common.

I'm not saying OP should or shouldn't abort, but she needs to make the choice with as much information as she can have and it needs to be her choice. Regret is so awful.

Emmapeeler1 · 21/11/2019 20:18

From the BPAS website:

Does an abortion cause infertility?

No, although it is something that those opposed to abortion may say. There is absolutely no evidence that safe, legal abortion will lead to infertility. In fact, after an abortion, fertility returns almost immediately.

www.bpas.org/more-services-information/fertility-qa/

Rubyroost · 21/11/2019 20:21

So you said you don't want to terminate and try again in six months- my husband said I should terminate and try again...

So correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm interpreting this as:you don't want to terminate, he does.

If you don't want to then it's simple, you don't. Your body your choice. You are the one that will have to go through the psychological and physical effects of this, not him.

Motoko · 21/11/2019 22:02

The only reason you're having this dilemma, is because of your husband wanting to stick to the timescales.

If he'd said, "Oh shit, it's a bit earlier than we'd hoped, but it's done now. We'll just have to get our skates on with the house and paying off the credit cards, before the baby's born." you wouldn't be in such anguish. You would never have even considered an abortion.

Which is why I keep saying a termination would be the wrong decision.

Lweji · 21/11/2019 22:05

Could someone explain to me why couples therapy would be bad if he is coercive?

Because he would only learn how to manipulate better. It won't be a safe space to talk because he would only use whatever you say to beat you down.
Even if you go for joint counselling, you should see a counsellor on your own first. They should be able to advise you after evaluating your relationship.

Lweji · 21/11/2019 22:08

What do YOU want?
Do you want a baby?
When do you want a baby?
Do you want this baby?

Focus on these first.

MeTheCoolOne · 21/11/2019 22:17

I don't think the most important thing is what the OP wants, I think it should
be what's best for any future child that the OP has closely followed by what's best for the OP.

Lweji · 21/11/2019 22:20

@MeTheCoolOne
We'll have to disagree on this one.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 21/11/2019 23:02

I so struggle to put myself first. Even my husband has said I need to now. I feel so selfish doing anything that someone else disapproves of.

Yes I want a baby. When do I want a baby? Well financially timing isn't perfect right now but in the long run I doubt it would matter.

This baby right now feels so abstract I feel like I tried so hard to think of it as a not baby will it effects how I feel about it if they are born?

To be clear me and my husband have not had a row over any of this at any point, it has all been calm - sometimes tearful discussion. My first post was immediately after I got off the phone to him to tell him I couldn't get an appointment until end of Jan, and his first reaction was "oh well we agreed on termination" but this was before I really had a chance to explain why it would be so much harder and I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore.

I feel horribly guilty at the thought of having a child I initially wanted to get rid of nothing I do seems right. I feel like I have fucked up on so many levels.

OP posts:
Rubyroost · 21/11/2019 23:09

Pp, you rybdont sound like you want to terminate, or ever did. Your husband did though, please don't feel guilty and do the right thing by you

Rubyroost · 21/11/2019 23:10

Op, you don't (corrected)

dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 23:12

OP whatever you decide nothing is too late.

Pregnancy hormones cause the most rational women to lose all common sense.
It is also really common to go into shock for a while when pregnant, even if it something that has been planned.

Have your individual counseling, work out what you truly want to do now.
Having an initial negative reaction at the start of the pregnancy is neither here nor there in the long run.
It is all still early days yet.

Focus on getting the decision that is right for you.

TryingToBeBold · 21/11/2019 23:43

.even my husband has said I need to now

So this is your decision.
And you don't want to terminate.
Would he leave you? Would it ruin the relationship..
If not then I think you've decided

Bluerussian · 21/11/2019 23:44

Can your GP not give you the necessary medication for a medical termination? I don't think you have to go to a clinic.

Derbee · 22/11/2019 02:10

OP,
You don’t want to terminate.
Your husband doesn’t sound abusive, he just sounds inflexible.
You absolutely do not need to feel guilty about having a baby that you considered terminating.
The timing isn’t great, but you both ultimately want a baby.
Your husband has said he’ll support you.
Have the baby. Stop feeling guilty. You will always find something to feel guilty about.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/11/2019 06:34

If you decide to keep this pregnancy there is no reason at all why you wouldn't bond with it and why you wouldn't be attached to the baby when it's born.
You've probably been trying to shut your feelings down because you planned to terminate and that's ok! But you can access them if you decide to keep it.

You need to put yourself first now. The consequence of terminating a wanted pregnancy will be so much worse for you than for your husband that his feelings don't come into it. They really don't.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 22/11/2019 07:45

I feel horribly guilty at the thought of having a child I initially wanted to get rid of nothing I do seems right.

That's honestly not something you need to worry about. Thousands of women rethink whether termination is right for them every day.

There is nothing wrong with deciding to have a baby you initially weren't willing to have. You won't be a bad mother for it.

Besidesthepoint · 22/11/2019 08:36

*From the BPAS website:

Does an abortion cause infertility?

No, although it is something that those opposed to abortion may say. There is absolutely no evidence that safe, legal abortion will lead to infertility. In fact, after an abortion, fertility returns almost immediately.*

Ok, my bad. I really thought that it was true.

IfWishesWereFishes · 22/11/2019 08:44

Why do you feel you've 'fucked up on so many levels'??

So you got pregnant a few months ahead of your plan. In the scheme of life, so what!? I'm working hard to understand what the great tragedy is here - you want a baby, there's one on the way, it's just slightly imperfect timing.

Emmapeeler1 · 22/11/2019 09:19

it's just slightly imperfect timing.

I am 100% pro choice but I agree with this. This is not a tragedy OP, it’s just a plan you agreed with your DH that is happening slightly early. Happened to me with DC1. We all got used to it quite quickly! Put yourself first like your DH said. Talk it through with a counsellor though as a pp is right, sometimes you it’s hard to think straight when you are just pregnant. Antenatal depression is also a thing.