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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/11/2019 12:47

Gingersausage: your rather wordy analysis can be answered succinctly.

What's the point in posting? - when you can see that a woman who doesn't want a termination (at least partly because she'd have to go through one post 12 weeks) is tying herself in knots to psyche herself up to do it mainly to satisfy a husband who is odd at best, abusive and controlling at worst.

If OP had come on saying, we both feel a termination is best, I'm determined to get one earlier as I don't want one post 12 weeks, what can I do - totally different thread. Short thread, probably.

That's what all the fuss is about.

MoonlightBonnet · 20/11/2019 12:54

Your parents have given you the money for a house deposit and are anti-abortion. Tell them you’re pregnant but can’t have it because you have £2k of debt. Two things - one, if you’re too ashamed to do that then you know your decision making is bad. Two, they’ll almost certainly pay off the credit card bills for you.

KatharinaRosalie · 20/11/2019 13:58

You aren’t pro-choice

I am pro the pregnant woman's choice. OP has said in the first post she does not want to go through with it. But she feels she has to, because od her husband's opinion. What do you think the OP would choose, if the DH said that 'Oh never mind the timing, of course I'd be happy to have the baby'. Would she still choose to terminate?

Hugtheduggee · 20/11/2019 14:08

I'm sorry, but I find the notion that a person's two choices when it comes to abortion are to be pro life (and regarded very badly) or if they say they are pro choice it must mean they are OK with abortion at any stage for any reason, to be really wrong.

For most people it's a spectrum. In reality most people are not actually ok with someone who is 41 weeks pregnant and in labour, suddenly deciding to terminate because she doesn't want a girl, for example. Unlikely, but if its any reason at any time then that's where the bar is set. Most people sit somewhere on the spectrum between abortion is never allowed even if continuing will kill both parties to full term abortion in labour on request. I think for most people, being pro choice means pro choice within certain bounds. It doesn't have to be absolutes.

PurpleDaisies · 20/11/2019 14:14

But she feels she has to, because of her husband's opinion. What do you think the OP would choose, if the DH said that 'Oh never mind the timing, of course I'd be happy to have the baby'. Would she still choose to terminate?

He has the choice not to want the baby. She has to make the decision in light of that fact.

dreichwinter · 20/11/2019 14:16

you aren't pro choice

It is perfectly possible to believe in access to abortion and think that having one because you agreed with your DH to have one, while considering getting pregnant a few months later isn't a good idea.

There isn't only one way to be pro choice.

If OP wanted an early termination, couldn't get one locally and wanted advice she would have got that.
This is a much more complex situation.

Derbee · 20/11/2019 14:29

@gingersausage what a load of bollocks.

I am pro choice. If the OP didn’t want a baby and her contraception had failed, a termination is the clear choice. If OP wants a baby and will try to conceive after a termination within a matter of weeks for a new baby with better timing, that’s ridiculous.

If a woman terminated at 20 weeks because the gender wasn’t what they were expecting that would be appalling. If a woman terminated at 20 weeks for medical reasons, that’s her choice and rightly so.

Nothing is clear black and white. You can be pro choice at the same time as thinking that termination over timing being out by a few weeks is wrong. You can be pro choice and realise that the OP might be completely traumatised having a termination and trying to conceive again all within a matter of weeks. It’s mad however you think about it.

Thestrangestthing · 20/11/2019 14:44

gingersausage do get over yourself. What a load of bollocks. You are just pro termination, that's not pro choice. You haven't even considered what the OP would actually choose if she didn't have her dh pushing his feelings on her. OPs body, ops choice, and by the sounds of things OP would rather keep the baby, and is pretty sure it would be detrimental to her mental health to have a termination. Ffs at least read what has been said by the OP.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 20/11/2019 14:56

You can hold the political belief that OP (and any other woman) should have access to a safe, legal termination (and certainly not with the waiting time that she describes) whilst also offering an opinion on the specific situation that she describes in her OP, that she is potentially being coerced into a termination that she does not want. Bodily autonomy is absolutely fundamental to a pro-choice stance.

PurpleDaisies · 20/11/2019 15:00

she is potentially being coerced into a termination that she does not want

How? Look at the op again....

He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/11/2019 15:12

It’s never the right time, life isn’t perfect and the decision to end a life shouldn’t be done without careful thought. It doesn’t sound as if you really want to have an abortion
Have you watched the film unplanned, very thought provoking

IfWishesWereFishes · 20/11/2019 16:01

@gingersausage if this threads shows anything it's that there is vast nuance even for people who considered themselves pro abortion at any time for any woman for any reason.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 20/11/2019 16:22

@PurpleDaisies

That is exactly how I feel, however much I know this is my choice I know how my husband feels about it and I can't ignore that - the cat is out of the bag I can't pretend he didn't say it and just do what I want.

I am emotionally exhausted.

I was set on a termination - but the prospect of a late one was too much for me. If I could do it today I would.

And yes we do struggle for money our rent is high, we aren't high earners and we both wanted as much stability as possible before starting a family. Things have been really hard for us and we wanted to do everything properly.

I have had long talks with my husband last night about all of this - he didn't realise I felt so backed into a corner and just how much weight I was giving his feelings, when he said it is my choice he meant it.
We are both doing some phone counselling set up by my work next week.

Here is what I know, I can't go through an abortion at 15 weeks. If someone handed me the pills tomorrow I would take them.

I feel like an animal in a trap wanting to chew its own leg off.

OP posts:
gingersausage · 20/11/2019 16:30

ODFOD @Thestrangestthing. I’m the furthest thing from pro-termination it’s possible to be.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 20/11/2019 16:34

Sorry that should say through my work not by my work - we have access to free councilling through my work, my work haven't organised it I just rang the helpline last night

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 20/11/2019 16:37

@gingersausage

Yup sounds like it.

hammeringinmyhead · 20/11/2019 16:38

I get that you just want this to have never happened but it has. It can't unhappen because you get a faster abortion. Make sure you are choosing the least worst option for yourself long term.

smemorata · 20/11/2019 16:44

I think it is absolutely your right to choose but trying again in 6 months? That absolutely doesn't make sense and I think if that really is your plan then your husband hasn't understood the situation at all.

Derbee · 20/11/2019 19:11

OP if you have a termination, that’s your right. But do not TTC in 6 months. You sound far too immature to be a parent yet. Maybe grow up and get some life experience before committing to real adulting

OctoberLovers · 20/11/2019 19:11

Terminate now, and try again in 6 months time????

Really.... FFS.... Why?????

Derbee · 20/11/2019 19:12

And if this is all coming from your H, pass on this advice. Life is much more complicated than planning a baby by the very week that you want it

Sleeplesssleepseeker · 20/11/2019 19:14

OP, you clearly don't want the baby - why not just own it and say so?

I don't think you should TTC in six months either, you don't sound mature enough in the slightest.

Caramelll · 20/11/2019 19:27

I know I may get flamed for this but I find it quite distressing to think you would end the life of that little baby you’ve made all for the sake of 6 months. I completely understand that people do choose to terminate in the early stages and I know people are at times in very difficult positions and feel that it is their only choice but to me, this massively feels wrong. If you can have a baby 6 months later and make it work, you can have this baby now. I had a friend who had a termination when she was younger and then tried for a baby in her early 20s and was then infertile. She is now mid 30s with no children. Don’t take it as a given that because you fell pregnant this time it will definitely happen again. To have an abortion is a huge decision and for you to have one because the timing is off by 6 months makes me really sad.

Horehound · 20/11/2019 19:35

If your debt is paid off in 6 months and you'll be in a better place and It takes 9 months to make a baby then why is it an issue to keep this baby? You'll be in a better position by the time it's born, no??

Emmapeeler1 · 20/11/2019 19:39

I don’t share all the disgust on this thread. The OP is in shock and panicking. Accidental pregnancies are overwhelming. What I really don’t understand is the advice from BPAS. Pretty sure it is wrong so I would call back and ask to speak to a manager. Their calls are recorded and there is something very odd about the advice you have been given.