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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
Emmieberrycupcake · 20/11/2019 20:23

If you're planning on ttc in 6 months why would you consider a termination, it doesn't make sense to me. I get your finances will be more secure but really for the sake of 6 months is it worth going through a termination that will be very difficult both physically and emotionally. You say your partner gets fixated on dates, however, just because you choose when to start ttc it doesn't mean it will happen. I had my first baby in 2013, planned to have our second 2 years later but in that time I've had a full term stillbirth and 2 miscarries and only now have a 5 month old. I also have a friend who had a termination, ttc 2 years later and it took 4 years to get pregnant

Inliverpool1 · 20/11/2019 20:48

@HelpfulSailor I hope The counselling goes well and is helpful x

SimpleSimonSaysU2 · 21/11/2019 00:04

One thing to remember about the counselling is that it is all recorded. When I went back about my final decision they recited all I had said in my sessions. This suprised me, maybe I was nieve.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 21/11/2019 08:22

Hmmm, the counselling is a good idea in principle - but, if he is coercive it's a really bad idea.

So, you need to bear that in mind.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 21/11/2019 08:44

I do think you should have individual counselling. Even though your dh's views on the matter are clearly very important to you it's still a personal decision for you and one you are going to feel responsible for.

Besidesthepoint · 21/11/2019 11:55

If this was your only chance to have a child, would you still abort it now?

DavidJMcCobb · 21/11/2019 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SweeetCaroline · 21/11/2019 15:45

DavidJMcCobb thank you for sharing that post with us. I love the last line, so very true ❤️

LissJas · 21/11/2019 16:04

Same stupid irresponsible attitude that you and your husband seem to have.

What a truly horrible thing to post. You clearly have NO understanding of the OPs situation.

Original poster
HelpfulSailor · 21/11/2019 16:08

I actually think that my be the most patronising post I have ever read on here.

The fact your baby and life turned out perfect has absolutely no bearing on what my life will become. How dare you try an mansplain abortion to me like I am some silly little girl who doesn't know what she is doing. How dare you call my attitude stupid when all you know about my life is a few posts on the internet.

I read posts on here regularly about people who regret having children. So please keep your rose tinted patronising bullshit to yourself.

OP posts:
Firecat84 · 21/11/2019 16:19

If your husband is this inflexible I really think he will struggle with the day to day of raising a child. Are you sure you want to go through this with him? He wants you to go through the first trimester of pregnancy (hard in itself) and then a traumatic abortion, but he's not willing to do the mental work to come to terms with shifting plans forward by 6 months. Don't let him get away with that.

I'm fully pro choice but aborting just to have another go in 6 months is utterly mad.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 16:33

If this was your only chance to have a child, would you still abort it now?

There’s absolutely no reason to think that this would be the case.

gingersausage · 21/11/2019 16:44

Behold a man! What would we do without such fine mansplaining 🙄?!

Rubyroost · 21/11/2019 17:02

Wow! Sorry op, I actually am really struggling to understand this. You want a child and want to start trying in six months, but you're happy to have an abortion now?
Shock. I'm with quite a few posters on here, but at the end of the day it's your choice.
NOT YOUR HUSBANDS CHOICE.

Make that choice gmdor yourself, not your husband

Tryingandfailing39 · 21/11/2019 17:14

I genuinely would consider myself pro choice but like many previous posters I find the idea of aborting one baby and replacing it when more convenient in just a few months time quite uncomfortable and actually upsetting.
OP doesn't seem to have acknowledged or addressed any of these comments.

Lweji · 21/11/2019 17:16

Ignore the beautifully written and probably fake story, OP.

Lweji · 21/11/2019 17:17

The main thing, IMO, is that you still have to endure the first months of pregnancy for nothing, plus a more complicated abortion, only to try again in a few months basically for no reason.
Would your OH want to go around feeling sick for 3 months only to repeat it again in 6 months? Doubt it.

IfWishesWereFishes · 21/11/2019 17:28

Jesus Christ @DavidJMcCobb what a sentimental pile of old shite. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for the OP.

carolina21 · 21/11/2019 17:32

I don't even know where to start ! Terminate now and try again in 6 months ?

I'm pro choice but this is wrong in many levels

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 17:43

I thought this board was supposed to be about helping women work out what the right decision for them, not brow beating them into deciding to continue a pregnancy.

Some posters have crossed the line here. Starting off your post with “I’m pro choice but...” is the same as “No offends, but...”.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 17:44

^Offence

hammeringinmyhead · 21/11/2019 18:08

It got moved from AIBU so the tone was set there I think.

Rubyroost · 21/11/2019 18:17

But the op should consider that she is planning for a child in her decusion to terminate surely? I think many who read this will be a bit surprised that op wants to termi ate, but would try again for a baby in six months time. I can see why the op said this would be triggering.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 21/11/2019 18:35

I am pro choice but I struggle with deciding to ttc around the time that this baby woils have been born if you hadn't aborted him or her.
It really doesn't make sense to me.
I had a 19 week termination for a missed miscarriage 39 years ago, I do know what it's like after all this time.
💐 OP.

grabbp · 21/11/2019 18:37

I honestly don't think he will want to try in 6 months