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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

393 replies

Thurlow · 07/09/2014 13:06

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/09/2014 11:44

It seems increasingly clear that the only people who are going to understand are those who have made, or had to make, the same decision as you.

Ah, that's not entirely true. There are many of us who absolutely support and want to support women who have terminated or are thinking about it.

Reproductive choices. Ante-natal choice: would seem a good section title?

Yesterday, there was a thread about a woman who was pregnant and scared, and the first few posters, who were trying to be kind, said wonderful, and about Health visitor and antenatal groups, and I thought, eek, I don't think this is what she means...It might be that if there was a well-signed section, posters would be able to access that support with more clarity.

Thurlow, I think its great you started this thread.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 11:45

There is a lot of 'you'll cope' and 'get tax credits' and 'you never regret another child' on MN.

AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 11:47

These things bring out aspects in people you've never seen before mom. And it's surprising.

I'm now fairly distant with someone who was my best friend for 15 years, because she was so gigantically useless and insensitive at the time of my MCs. It was like a secret black hole in her otherwise lovely character.

It's sad, but these things happen. You know who your real friends are now.

Original poster
Thurlow · 09/09/2014 11:50

I have a bit of a gut feeling that the actual phrase "termination", or something close to it, should be used. But that might just be me - there's something about the phrase "antenatal choices" which doesn't quite suggest that termination will be discussed. Also I think that there needs to be scope for posters to discuss not just a choice to be made there and then, but things which happened to them a long time ago.

OP posts:
AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 11:52

John makes a good point. I think there are lots of people who've not had or considered a termination but who would support women going through this stuff.

I've not had a termination, for example, but I've seen a close friend have one.

We may not be able to offer the same knowledge, experience and advice as women who've been there, but we can certainly provide support and reassurance that not everyone who hasn't been in that situation wishes that others would keep it secret.

'Reproductive choices' is a good title.

AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 11:54

although thurlow, you're right. The point would be to support women who want to talk about their experiences at any time, not just when they're making the decision.

Tricky.

CharethCutestory · 09/09/2014 11:55

Agree with JohnFarleysRuskin 'There are many of us who absolutely support and want to support women who have terminated or are thinking about it.'

I've never had a termination but almost definitely would if I got pregnant again. My period was late a few months ago, when I realised my blood ran cold and all I could think was 'NO MORE!'

You can talk to me, fwiw.

Original poster
Thurlow · 09/09/2014 11:56

Sorry john and adam, I was jumping to assumptions there. You're right, anyone can help and support and offer advice.

Hopefully a separate area will bring predominantly the support people need. Kind of like the Sleep topic. Generally if someone posts about controlled crying on the Sleep topic, they get the practical help and moral support they need. If they post about it on Chat, it turns into a debate on whether you should do it or not.

OP posts:
WinifredTheLostDenver · 09/09/2014 11:59

"Termination support" maybe?

Original poster
Thurlow · 09/09/2014 12:01

Yes, *Winifred", that sounds good - "Termination Support" in perhaps the Body & Soul topic?

OP posts:
PeachOwl · 09/09/2014 12:05

That's a good point John and Adam and something that helped me (not sure why but it did!) was those posters who said they had never been where I was but offered very useful support with no agenda; I think it was knowing that despite having the termination, which it felt like I should be ashamed of, I was still just like everyone else and was offered compassion by people who didn't judge.

I'm not sure I've phrased it well but I think it's that women who been there can understand and remember lots of the feelings but having others who are supportive without having that experience stops you feeling like a hidden minority and make it into a more normal, ok experience.

I think I agree with Thurlow though that the word 'termination' or something needs to be there to stop people thinking it's just about the immediate choice as I found (and I think others did too) that afterwards you need to go back and think about things again but maybe not until some time later. My counsellor said there might be triggers in the future and gave me tools on how to work through it. This support is also lacking in both real life and online.

AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 12:08

I think the word 'support' in the topic title is an excellent idea.

It highlights before anyone even clicks on it that it is not an area intended for right/wrong debates or grandstanding.

It'll need a header which contains words to that effect, and willingness by MNHQ to deal with any posters who are determined to hijack.

The very fact that there'll be a critical mass of reasonable people there (hopefully) means that it should be more possible to self-moderate and see off judgers.

WinifredTheLostDenver · 09/09/2014 12:08

FWR would be an alternate place to put it as abortion is a women's rights issue. But might not be an obvious place to look?

PetulaGordino · 09/09/2014 12:10

i was thinking that winifred, there would be masses of non-judgemental support there. the only thing is that it does attract its very own special brand of non-supportive person so perhaps not the best place

WinifredTheLostDenver · 09/09/2014 12:12

I know... But the trolls there are probably not that interested in anti choice positions (though there may be a few who say, "you should do whatever the father wants because, y'know, sperm wins.")

Original poster
Thurlow · 09/09/2014 12:12

Maybe it doesn't entirely matter where it sits as long as when you expand all Talk topics, there is something there which says 'termination/abortion'

OP posts:
AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 12:14

As a newcomer to MN, if I was looking for the section to do with termination support, I'd whack 'Termination' or 'Abortion' into the search engine.

If this brings up the right topic, then yes, it doesn't vastly matter where it actually is.

AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 12:15

Though somewhere it's not going to attract a vast amount of hairy-handed traffic would be useful.

PatricianOfAnkhMorpork · 09/09/2014 13:22

Something to think about is whether the topic would be found by anyone that hasn't registered yet and is lurking on the site (like I have been for the last few months). If this one hadn't been in Chat or appeared on the Active list, I doubt I would have found it.

But on the flip side, it needs to be relatively hidden to keep the trolls at bay.

Its important to be able to talk about it and maybe bring some peace to the many that make the decision.

cheminotte · 09/09/2014 14:00

Termination support sounds good to me as well. I have luckily never needed a termination and as afaik don't know anyone who has had one, but the 1in3 statistic means I probably do but don't realise.

LabMonkey · 09/09/2014 15:21

Bunny now has a rather dapper bowtie and is having lots of kisses, cuddles and tears. Tomorrow will be awful but I'm lucky that so far the hospital have been very kind and I hope that will make it easier.

It seems crazy that because she's only 16 weeks she isn't seen as a person yet we have to make decisions about buriel vs cremation etc. She will always be our girl and I will tell DD about her when she's old enough. We have her scan pics and the hospital will take pics tomorrow so we will never forget her face.

momnipotent · 09/09/2014 15:29

I am hoping for strength and peace for you LabMonkey.

Original poster
Thurlow · 09/09/2014 15:33

Thinking of you and holding out virtual hugs for tomorrow, lab x

OP posts:
TheBabyFacedAssassin · 09/09/2014 15:45

Have been lurking, I would like to add my name to the list in support of an special termination area, it is definitely necessary.

Lab I'm thinking about you. I have been in a similar position to you, if you would like to talk please feel free to pm. I'm here for you xx

Esssa · 09/09/2014 15:54

I too have joined because of this thread after lurking for too long. I had a termination almost a year ago and still can't think about it without tears. In some ways it is what brought me here in the first place. To have a dedicated area to go to for support would have been invaluable and even now would be a great help.