My partner still hasn't started work?

[Babybellaboo]

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible!

As a genuine cautionary tale, my not dear M got together with a jobless man when I was 7. I had a job years before he did.

He is a liability. I would tell him to leave. What is the point of a relationship like this. He is giving you zero support.

@TerrifiedandWorried

Does he smoke weed OP?

I'm going to put my money on Yes

I know this is my worst fear that I can't get out of this and I'm gonna be sucked into this shit for the rest of my life because I don't know how and am scared to leave

I think you need to talk to him about leaving. Even if you have to get him a flat, pay the first months rent and tell him to claim housing benefits.

You have to put it bluntly that he is living rent and bill free. You are putting food on the table for him and buying everything else
This isn’t another time where you will give him time to look for a job. Your feelings towards him have changed because he doesn’t respect you and if he is reliant on a pregnant teenager to provide everything for him then he obviously doesn’t have any respect for himself either.

Then show him a few flats. Tell him to go choose one. You will pay the first months rent and he can claim Housing benefit going forward but he needs to leave.
You are pregnant and can’t be responsible for another adult. You needed someone to help not hinder you.

Also tell him to get tested for ADHD.

OP I'm in awe of how much you have achieved on your own. You got yourself a better paid job andcreated a lovely home. DON'T UNDERESTIMATE HOW CAPABLE YOU ARE!

Please listen to the mums who have been in your shoes and managed to have a home and a job. You are already doing it yourself.

I'll be frank with you, you could walk yourself into a domestic violent situation by being with him. He isn't good for you. I know you're worried about doing all the things you need to do.

I'm begging you not to let him live with you. He wont support you, he won't even try to support himself.

It's a very very long time ago but I was a single mum with 2 babies. I also worked. Myself and my kids were so happy together. It can be hard but you can do it. Reach out for support.
I'm very out of touch now but you can access services. Perhaps other mums will know of such support.

I'm begging you not to stay with him. He has mood issues which can result in you being abused or attacked.

Can you see a counsellor at your GP? Contact them.

You sound like such a lovely person. Can you imagine how lovely it would be to have a loving, supportive partner helping you to rear your gorgeous little baby.

This can be your future but I beg you not to stay with him. He is self obsessed, bad tempered with little patience.

You dont need him pet. Let us know how you are getting on 💗

One question first

Why are yiu feeling so guilty? Guilty to mush him too get a job, guilty to kick him out. Anything that is an inconvenience to him but is a reasonable request, you get guilty about asking him. Why?
Could be him, it could be you. What’s going on?

Then !i get it he has some MH issues. He didn’t when he was in his previous relationship (or nit as severe?) as he was working.
What has changed? Does he get any support from his GP, medication counselling? What sort if self help stuff does he have in place?
Eg exercise is very good for MH. Does he try and go outside everyday, walk in the lark, run, whatever?
Struggling with life because you have an illness is one thing. Using an illness as an excuse to nit work and do your share of the work is another.
What is he? Someone desperately ill that is doing his utmost to get out of it. Or someone using an illness as a cop out to do as little as he can (whilst knowing he can get all the stuff he wants from you)?

@Babybellaboo

19. I just want to scoop you up & bring you home. But actually you're going to be fine & able to stand in your own two feet! You really are. Your daughter will be lucky to have you as her mum.

I know you've just moved into a lively new place, but the very best thing you can do for yourself & your DD (daughter) is move away. There will be another lively place for you both. There's nothing to stop you when you are pregnant, but once you've had DD all that changes!

If you have a family me member that's actually helpful/loving/kind move near them, if they're all less than brilliant (it happens!) then a friend or just somewhere fresh for a new start.

Can you WFH anywhere or do you have to be in a certain area?

If you can go anywhere then just go. Give notice properly & get a good reference.

As for your bloke. He's older than you, he's got one child he doesn't see. (He's lied to you about a lot of that too) and he won't be arsed with your DD, he will NOT be a good father. You will not have the family unit you want, with him. However, you'll be a brilliant single mum & in the future will likely find a fabulous bloke who will adore your DD & you can have DD & more kids together.

It's a lot to think about at 19, but you need to think like a MUM now & do what's right for your daughter. You can be a tight little unit together, she doesn't need him to be happy, in fact being with him will make for an unhappy life for her.

As for how to get rid of him, if you're scared physically of asking him to leave & don't have anyone you can ask to come & be with you, then call the local police & ask for assistance.

You cannot WASTE your life because you don't know how to get rid of this weight around your neck. He's holding you back & always will.

...to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty

Does feeling guilty feel worse or better than the feeling that your partner is using you and treating you so unfairly?

His complete failure to get a job and deal with his MH issues show that he is not feeling guilty at all about what he is putting you through and what he fully intends to keep on putting you through.

You're not responsible for him. You know that, and that is why you resent shouldering the entire financial burden, and seeing how impossible it's going to be in a few months makes you feel so fearful, while this man still expects you to provide a roof over his head, all his meals, and his luxuries handed to him on a plate.

You’re 19 OP you’ve barely even lived and you don’t want to spend the rest of it with this loser.

You sounds so strong and like you’re going to be an amazing mother to your girl but you don’t need this dead weight at all. You’ve been doing it all on your own anyway.

Pack his stuff for him. Tell him he has to leave, if he doesn’t you call the police and say you’re pregnant, you’re vulnerable and he won’t get out.

You can do this!!!!!! We are all here supporting you and hoping the best for you and your bubba.

toomuchlaundry

Are you allowed to have a single UC claim if you live together?

I don't know to be honest! He's always kept his claim going I've never really had anything to do with it I've never been on benefits don't know how it works really at all

NOPE you absolutely cannot. He is fraudulently claiming benefit as a single person and then living off you....

@Babybellaboo

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!

It's not slim, it's none. You ask if anyone has been in this situation, I have. He ended up attacking me once I'd had enough trying to hurt me while our baby was there, so I left.

You need to shift your focus to your baby. It's what I had to do. I realised I was with someone who was not a good role model and I was doing it because I was co-dependent, felt guilty, felt like I couldn't leave etc. etc. etc.

But when I switched my focus I realised I was putting him and myself before my baby, which was wrong.

When I tried to leave he tried to hurt me so police were called and he was not given contact.

I did feel a bit bad, I even tried to give him money to pay rent ONCE I'D LEFT

But I promise once you shift your focus and actually stop enabling his absurd behaviour your life will begin to change for the better.

@Babybellaboo

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!

You have a responsibility to your child, you do not have a responsibility to someone who contributes nothing and is happy to leech off you. Reframe it if you need to, every penny spent supporting him is a penny you don't have to support your child. He is capable (although not willing) to support himself, but he has no incentive when you support him. At the very least stop paying anything towards things just for him

OP you are only 19, my heart goes out to you. Listen to your gut. It is telling you that this situation is making you uncomfortable. You wouldn’t have created this thread otherwise. As a woman, we always want to think we can change men in a relationship, support them, make them better. Yet most times we are proven wrong. Every time my gut has told me to get out of a situation, I wish I’d listened at the time, not months or years later. Please take care of yourself and your child. Start recording everything financially that you are spending, and what on. The sticker shock alone might make you act. Create a budget for the baby and compare what you need vs the things you’re spending on this guy. You’ll be able to demonstrate to your OH why you can’t afford him without a job. MH is a big issue, but only he can help himself, and he seems unwilling. Until he hits rock bottom he won’t change. And he isn't there yet as you are his crutch. I know someone who is 40, unemployed, with MH issues but refuses to get help and has been living and scrounging off their parents for close to 10years now. He sounds very similar and will claim to be down and that it stops them taking a job, and that they’re “working on it”. It’s been years and all he has done is set a truly horrific example to their children. Please know time might not change this one. They will likely just move into the next person they can find to find their life’s Just please don’t ruin your life and child’s life waiting for and on this person. You can and will do so much better x

I would not be supporting someone I've only known for a year and are not married to. Could he work part-time to cover his basic costs and be main carer for dd when you go back to work?

Where are your family op?

1. Find out what you're entitled to on maternity leave. As pp said, if you changed jobs since finding out you were pregnant, this is likely to be Maternity Allowance. So 90% of your average earnings for 6 weeks then £150ish a week for 33 more. Check if there are any other benefits you are entitled to. Do you rent? Check again if you are claiming as a single parent rather than in a couple.

2. Where did he live before he lived with you? Does he have any friends he can move back in with? He needs to know you are serious that he steps up or he's out. I understand he has mental health issues, has he seen the GP? Is he on medication or having cbt? Has he done anything to seek help? If not, that's a flag.

3. What other support do you have? Friends or family who can help you in the early weeks?

4. What is your plan for childcare after 6-9 months. If he steps up around the home, is it for him to care for the child while you work? If you're not together can he be relied on for that still? What about nursery? Again check what funding you can claim as a single parent and as a couple.

5. Decide if you do want to be in a relationship with him- what is it that attracts you to him? Is that still there or do you feel sorry for him/is manipulating you?

OP, you sound as though you have your head screwed on. You can do this.

I thought you were much older than 19. He’s really taken advantage of you and your good nature. You were only 17 or 18 when you met.

I agree with everyone else. He has to go. He’s no good for you and having him potentially as the primary caregiver could cause you all manner of stress. He isn’t up to it anyway so removing that option is doing your best for your baby.

He will be fine. He was survived the 4/5 years between age 18 and before meeting you. He will survive again.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate.
Give your dd your surname. Traditionally the child takes the mum’s name.

I’d be really interested in his ex’s take on the situation. You wouldn’t be the first woman to have been told a tale of woe.

You're 19, he's 24, and you've been together for a year and a half? How old were you when you got together?

Oh I'm so sorry OP. You deserve better, PLEASE leave him. You are not ruining your baby's family life, he is!

You sound like you've got your head screwed on and a good job. You will be completely fine, just make sure you access enough support - I know you said your family isn't great but there are services out there. Don't stay with him for any longer, you're better than this. Good luck OP

OP, sorry but I have to ask, does he smoke weed?

Mental health problems can be extremely difficult but many people still manage to function I jobs and actually find that the work lifts them and gives them more purpose. I'm sorry you're going through this! I know people with poor mental health who can't/won't work and I feel sad that 'this is it'. I think you need to give an ultimatum. E string and set boundaries now. You are worth so much more than worrying about how you aline can provide.

Is there any point in the thread because @Babybellaboo doesn't want to do what she needs to do? Every post is an excuse. You may love him but he doesn't love you enough to get out of his bed and find a job for you and his child.

I personally would give him a time scale to find a job or leave.

I think it’s a massive red flag that he already has a child that he doesn’t see or provide for so he’s not going to change with this child.

I’d be tempted to speak to his ex and ask why he doesn’t see the child and if it was him who chose not to.

You don’t sound like you’re going to leave him and he doesn’t sound like he’s going to get a job anytime soon.

So the only other option would be to have an agreement where he does 90% of the housework, cooking, admin etc and 90% of the childcare when the baby comes.

He needs to get some meds from the gp and suet himself not only for his children but himself too.
You can’t be his mum and unfortunately if he won’t change you’ll have to kick him out which will force him to change.

Realistically what do you thinks going to happen when your baby arrives?

Judging by his current level of effort he's not going to be an involved father;you'll be left to card for baby,still do most of household stuff and provide the money.

He probably thought his status as a massive cocklodger was secured when he found out you were pregnant.

I read all your updates. You're 19! You don't need this useless lump. You have achieved so much on your own already. Well done!!

Why would you ever think he would change?
He is having everything provided for him by you, does fuck all and contributes nothing.
Don't expect a life any different if you stay with him.
You'll be a single parent in every practical way, it's just you'll have a lump lazing around in bed, playing video games or whatever the fuck he does all day.

I suppose at least it's practice for the teenage years. 🤷‍♀️

Think carefully about this. Is this really how you want to live?
Short term it will be more hard but how much harder will it be looking back on 20 years tied to a useless parasite?