My partner still hasn't started work?

[Babybellaboo]

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible!

A 19 year old earning enough to rent (and furnish) a 2 bedroom house?
Never mind getting a new job whilst pregnant - surely she wouldn’t be entitled to maternity pay then?

So he's unemployed?

@Babybellaboo

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!

He's not your responsibility!!!

Kick him to the curb!

Oh OP, you would not believe the amount of similar absolute fuckery i put up with from men like your current ‘partner’ at your age. Up until late 30’s in fact when the MN collective helped me escape a manchild cocklodger for the final time.

I well remember feeling absolutely responsible for the life of a fully grown adult despite everyone else telling me that was not the case at all but ultimately turned out to be correct.

Someone in your past has manipulated you to feel like you need to take care of others to the complete detriment of your own life.

Its not true & though hard, you can change this situation.

If i had a hat, frankly i’d take it off to you because you have achieved tremendous things in your thus far very short life.

Nothing stupid about you at all so please stop with the name calling and hope you can absorb the support on this thread to come to recognise just how brilliant you are.

Sending you strength to end the gravy train for the overgrown leech that has attached itself to your life & purse strings 💐

Thank you I really appreciate this.. I am only 19 people seem to think I should know all this already the fact is I'm still learning this all he's 24 id have thought he would've stepped up by now but I'm still waiting I always thought my father To my children would equally provide as much as me but it's just me and IM drained.

Only 19 and you have a home for you and your baby and a decent paid job. You sound really sorted!

Sounds like you're going to be a great mum, your baby is v lucky!

FFS

Kick the loser out.

I could weep for you, only 19 and potentially tying your future to a pathetic loser who will bleed you dry both financially and emotionally.

You say you want to do the best for your baby - if so then kick him out asap and build on what you've achieved alone so far. If he says he won't go then tell him you will report him for benefit fraud, and mean it.

Put your energy and money into supporting your baby, not some low-life cocklodger. Why pay for his food and clothes when you could be spending that money on your child?

Can he claim pip , esa etc for his mental health ?

I'm sure you'll be a lovely mum to your LO. But you have to stop paying for stuff he wants and face the fact he is not going to provide for you. You're throwing your money away on him - when you'll need it. Perhaps I am 100% wrong and he'll step up and earn, but he hasn't so far. You need to give him a deadline "You earn X by 4 months time on a certain date" otherwise he is always going to take advantage of you. I'm sorry - but that's now it is.

@BadNomad

You really need to get rid of him before the baby is born because as soon as the baby is here he is just going to use it as an excuse to continue to not work, apply for child benefit and very likely claim to be the primary care giver when you do try to leave him eventually. Do not let it get that far. I have every sympathy for people dealing with MH issues but he isn't dealing with his at all. He's just wallowing in it.

This is REALLY IMPORTANT. Don’t get into a position where he is claiming cb or can be seen as primary caregiver. You could end up paying support to him for your child. And he could have a claim for custody.And what ever you do do not marry him! You say you don’t have a supportive mum, well, consider everyone here as giving you mum support. You are doing fantastic, I’d be proud if you were my child (and I’d help to kick this cocklodger out!)

Your priority is the baby. Not him.

You're really not doing him any favours by letting him leech off you. All that doers is enable and encourage his worst traits. That's damaging for him and any kind of respectful, equal adult relationship.

You need to chuck him out. He is a disgusting cock lodger who will never change.

@starsparkle08

Can he claim pip , esa etc for his mental health ?

I know we all have to “be kind” these days, and I do have sympathy with people who are genuinely mentally unwell, but last time I looked being bone idle wasn’t classed as a mental illness. Many people have difficult childhoods, it doesn’t give them a get out of jail free card to ignore their responsibilities , father children who they aren’t prepared to support and sponge off teenagers.

He will never provide for you or the baby. Your life will be easier without him.

If he loved you he would have got a job. There are plenty of people with mental health issues that work. Work might even help his mental health.

But instead he will let you work whilst heavily pregnant.

As PP have said, get him out before baby arrives so he can't claim he is the primary cater. Really good point.

Interested in those saying - kick him out. How do you do this when he doesn't want to go? Changing the locks means he has to be out while this is done. How do you do this without the threat of physical damage and/or violence?

Who should the OP turn to for advice?

@lovingtheheat

" I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty..."

He has the ability to get a job which would earn money to put a roof over his head and buy things. That is what adults do. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty for making him leave. My sibling had one of these, he will not improve.

This^ My DD had one of these and he and his "MH issues" did not allow for jobs but did allow for constant weed smoking and game playing. She babied him to the point that SS stepped in and took her real baby. She lost her house and her car and THEN -- he left. Moved in with another girl, had another baby etc.

OP he’s clearly a lazy fucker and you’re being taken for a mug. Kick him out and go it alone. He will provide nothing for you and your child.

@Babybellaboo

Girl, you are NOT stupid! You know you need to get out of this situation, so you obviously are smart enough to realize that. What your are is bogged down.

My old dad used to say "When you find yourself deep in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging". And that is what you're doing, mentally. You keep digging away with the "I can't" shovel. Stop it. And start thinking "I can". You already know you can support your self and your baby. You've worked out how you can do that. Start thinking about the other things you can do. I'll bet you can think of quite a few! And remember that baby steps are still steps!

And you can get him out, the house is in your sole name and you are not married. He has no legal right to be there. The Good Lord knows there are women who have posted on MN about being turfed out by an exDP. And when they've consulted a solicitor they've been told 'Sorry, you have no legal right to remain in the house'. I'd suggest you contact Citizen's Advice or Women's Aid about exactly how to go about this. Especially if you are afraid of him. Are you?

Another thing you can do is visualize your life without him. Think about the peace and calm. Think about your new wonderful home just the way you want it. Think of not having to pick up or clean up after him. Think about the lack of tension. If you see it clearly enough, you can do it.

And you mention not having family. I don't know if you mean none nearby or if you're estranged from them, or if you literally mean they are no longer living. If you are estranged from family, does he have anything to do with that? But anyway, you can form a support network IRL. Either by contacting estranged family (if that would be healthy for you), enlisting the help of friends, or by getting involved in support groups.

Please try to start surrounding yourself with positive thoughts. Positive thoughts lead to positive actions, if you let them.

You can do this.

to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty

Which is what he is counting on. Using your own emotions against you to get what he wants.

Another thing to think about.

After your baby's born if you go back to work and he stays at home doing nothing and you later split up, he could try to claim that he is your dc's main carer as he's the one home with the baby. Even if you actually do all the childcare (you will) it will be hard to prove if you work, not him. This could play into his hands if he sees your child as a meal ticket and there's a court battle over who takes primary residence.

Ultimate worse case scenario is your dc ends up living with him and you pay him maintenance. Extreme but it has happened here before. You'd be better doing something about it now while you're pregnant rather than waiting.

Does he smoke weed OP?

Youbare far from stupid and need to stop talking yourself down like that.

You fell pregnant, got a better job and a house and all you need to provide for a child. Give yourself credit for that.

I can't think of one single why you and your child would be better off with him remaining in your life. Financially you will be better of as you are currently subsidising him, mentally you will be better of not dealing with him too.

You sound perfectly capable of dealing with the situation alone. Reach out to support agencies, claim all your entitlements and seek as much support as possible as you won't get it from him.

Ask him to leave. You aren't making him homeless, his behaviour is. He managed without you before he met you, he will survive.

Everything you do from now on must be with you and your child in mind. That's the priority, not him.

I don't know how to go from where I am now to alone

But in many ways you are alone at the moment. He offers nothing to you financially and does very little to help. Your post has been made hundreds of times on here and people like him don't change. It's not a film where he'll hold your baby for the first time and have an epiphany to want to provide everything for you. You can give it time of course in the hope that happens and he becomes a solid SAHP whilst you continue to work but as others have advised you need to at least be aware that the current situation cannot carry on as the status quo only hurts you and your baby.

You sound like an entirely capable and strong woman, but you are carrying far too much. Reading through your posts, it certainly sounds like the past trauma of coming from a broken family is skewing your vision to retain your family. But the vision of the family in your head does not match the reality. You know it, because you've come on here.

You seem so scared of what other people will think, and I get that because I was there 3 years ago when I knew I had to leave exh (also mh) but didn't want people to think I'd failed. And I'm guessing that's the pinch point because some wording in your posts make it sound like failing isn't an option or something you are used to.
He is a mistake, not a failure. We are human and mistakes happen. Staying with this waste of oxygen would be a bigger mistake. What got me was that I spent so long worrying about what everyone else would think if I left exh with a newborn, when I did leave him, everyone supported me and not one person judged.

It's time now for you to choose you. By accepting this man's behaviour because you love him, will teach your daughter that this is what love is. I would strongly advise therapy because this will help you make wiser choices in men in the future. It's scary and sad to leave someone you love, but he adds nothing to your life and you deserve more than what he's offering. His mh won't improve if he's not being proactive, and it's not your job to fix him.