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Original poster

My partner still hasn't started work?

242 replies

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:48

@toomuchlaundry

Are you allowed to have a single UC claim if you live together?
I don't know to be honest! He's always kept his claim going I've never really had anything to do with it I've never been on benefits don't know how it works really at all
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:49

@D0lphine

His ex partner had a son with him and he used to work then she got into another relationship and cut him off all contact and basically introduced another dad to him which killed my partner which is understandable.

Do you have any independent evidence of this? Have you seen texts / heard phone conversations with his ex? Or have you relied on what he said?

Given what you've said about him, this could be a lie. Maybe his behaviour with his ex was the same as with you, and she simply got rid and found a new partner?

Also if you're in the UK the dad has a right to see a child unless there is abuse. So why hasn't he got rights to see his child?

Sounds like he might have spun you a "woe is me" story, placing the blame solely with his ex.

Well I've seen some texts he said apparently that when social services was involved they deemed it down to the mother to initialise contact if she didn't want him to see the child that's on her terms.... I'm not that clued up with the law in regards to this to be honest with you..
OP posts:
Overthebow · 14/04/2022 16:49

I work from home so was going to try and juggle both.... but I don't know I feel so stupid right now

You can’t work from home and look after a baby at the same time so you need to come up with a solution. Either he is the carer whilst you work, or you put your baby in nursery or a childminder.

tobedtoMN · 14/04/2022 16:50

You will not be able to juggle WFH and caring for a baby. That will not work so please do not rely on that as a plan.

lovingtheheat · 14/04/2022 16:50

Apologies if this has already been said but another reason to make him leave unless he bucks his ideas up and starts contributing, is that every penny you spend on keeping him and buying his luxuries is money HE is taking away from your baby. I'm not unsympathetic to his mental health issues, but from experience if he is telling the truth I've been there. Suicidal from losing a child whilst holding down my highly pressurised job that I couldn't afford to lose. He needs to get help, but your duty of care at this stage is to yourself and your child. Finances are going to be tough enough without carrying the dead weight of an adult male.

D0lphine · 14/04/2022 16:50

I know right I'm just another stupid women who has been mugged off and is being mugged off

I don't think you're stupid at all. In fact you're v switched on - you haven't spent much time with him at all, and you've already seen him for what he is.

You've stepped up to provide for your baby. You've got a job and a home. You've done well and sound super responsible. Now drop the dead weight and enjoy your pregnancy and baby! Smile

BeinBedEarly · 14/04/2022 16:51

If a man wants to see his child, unless he abused that child, he is allowed to see it. So if your partner (such as he is) is not allowed to see his child, he’s either lying, abusive or can’t be arsed.

You don’t need him. Some of your messages are very “people will think”. Who gives a shit. Your child deserves engaged parents. Better one brilliant parent than a brilliant mum who has her ££ siphoned off by a negligent male who lies to her telling her what she wants to hear and sponges off her for 20 years

AnneShirleysNewDress · 14/04/2022 16:52

Do not let your daughter grow up believing that this is what a relationship should look like. She deserves better and so do you.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:53

@D0lphine

I know right I'm just another stupid women who has been mugged off and is being mugged off

I don't think you're stupid at all. In fact you're v switched on - you haven't spent much time with him at all, and you've already seen him for what he is.

You've stepped up to provide for your baby. You've got a job and a home. You've done well and sound super responsible. Now drop the dead weight and enjoy your pregnancy and baby! Smile

Thank you I really appreciate this.. I am only 19 people seem to think I should know all this already the fact is I'm still learning this all he's 24 id have thought he would've stepped up by now but I'm still waiting I always thought my father To my children would equally provide as much as me but it's just me and IM drained.
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:54

@AnneShirleysNewDress

Do not let your daughter grow up believing that this is what a relationship should look like. She deserves better and so do you.
I know!!! I'm so stupid
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:55

@BeinBedEarly

If a man wants to see his child, unless he abused that child, he is allowed to see it. So if your partner (such as he is) is not allowed to see his child, he’s either lying, abusive or can’t be arsed.

You don’t need him. Some of your messages are very “people will think”. Who gives a shit. Your child deserves engaged parents. Better one brilliant parent than a brilliant mum who has her ££ siphoned off by a negligent male who lies to her telling her what she wants to hear and sponges off her for 20 years

I know this is my worst fear that I can't get out of this and I'm gonna be sucked into this shit for the rest of my life because I don't know how and am scared to leave...
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/04/2022 16:55

You’re not married, therefore he has no rights to remain in the house. He is a cocklodger, I’m sorry. He may well have my issues, but refusing to seek support and lounging around the house all day with no attempt to help himself or find work=cocklodger.

Re he won’t leave-he won’t have a choice if you tell him to go. You can change the locks, tough. You need some support yourself by the sounds of it, he certainly isn’t helping you. Is this how you want your life to be? Him as a role model for your child?

EveningOverRooftops · 14/04/2022 16:57

@Babybellaboo

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!
If you made him leave he would either step up and get his shit in gear or sponge if someone else.

Making him leave is for his own good. You’ll be doing him a disservice not to kick his arse out and make him see he has to pull his weight or you’re out.

He can rent his own place, pay the bills there for a while before you consider letting him back in.

It’s not cruel nor unkind to expect someone to show you not tell you they’re a changed person.

Twizbe · 14/04/2022 16:57

He's taken advantage of your youth and inexperience.

You're not stupid, he's played you just like he did his ex and probably every ex he's got.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2022 16:58

Why won't he leave? How will he react?

GeminiTwin · 14/04/2022 16:58

Why in earth are you still with him?

He's a lazy good for nothing sperm Donor.

No job, no motivation, no aspirations, doesn't take they pressure off of you, not concerned about you leaving a VERY young baby to go back to work because you can't survive in maternity pay. Asks you to buy 'luxuries'. Do you know how much child care costs for when you go back to work? As guessing because of his 'mental health' he won't be looking after his child full time when you're at work..

What an absolute cock lodging waste of space. You're almost just as silly for putting up with it. Jesus Christ I don't mean to be harsh but you need to get your head into gear and stop him from walking all over you! Do it for your daughter because he certainly won't! You're worth so much more than this and so is your daughter!!

Mix56 · 14/04/2022 16:58

How do get him out?
1 you tell him he has to be out by X date, if not you are calling the police. Failing this, You wait till he is out, & lock the door behind him.
Then get the locks changed.
He is not your problem, he us not trying to improve his MH
YOU cannot carry this dead weight on your shoulders

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 17:01

So he moved in with you from where? because he wasn't working i assume? Now you're pregnant, won't kick him out because you love him. Pay for everything because he won't work. Will have a short mat leave due to money and then will wfh whilst caring for a young baby because he won't. you won't keep up with work and a baby so you'll either end up without a job and fully reliant on benefits, or will have to start paying for childcare because he won't do it. You'll be doing get up, drop off, work, pick up, and then cooking and cleaning because he won't.

You're not stupid, or no more so than lots of women, and you're young and isolated which has an impact. But now is the time to do something.

What do you love about him? What does he bring to your life? How does he make your life better? What do you think he'll bring to his childs life?

BundtCake · 14/04/2022 17:02

Jesus Christ. It's so sad that you're in this situation.

Lilac57 · 14/04/2022 17:02

Even if it's been difficult to refuse to fund him up until now, you now have a very good reason to stop funding him, you're expecting a baby. From now on, if he asks for money, or for you to pay for something, tell him you can no longer afford to as you need to save for the baby. If you do that, what do you think his response would be? You'll know if he just sees you as a meal ticket, if he's willing to deprive his unborn child of what they need just so he can continue to live as he has been. When children come along parents always need to make sacrifices. If he wants money to spend, he has to earn it.

Unanananana · 14/04/2022 17:04

@Mix56

How do get him out? 1 you tell him he has to be out by X date, if not you are calling the police. Failing this, You wait till he is out, & lock the door behind him. Then get the locks changed. He is not your problem, he us not trying to improve his MH YOU cannot carry this dead weight on your shoulders
This. He is a giant cocklodger who has his feet well and truly under your table. And you are allowing it.

This is how your child will see you being treated. Is that what you want?

Get him out before your baby comes.

Philisophigal · 14/04/2022 17:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Cleothecat75 · 14/04/2022 17:10

Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty
Don’t feel guilty about chucking him out and what will happen to him. He is not worrying about what will happen when the baby comes and your income is stretched even further and you potentially loose your house because you can’t keep up with the rent/mortgage payments because you are subsidising his life with your money. If this were to happen and you loose your home, you will be homeless too.

You’ve done really well to afford your own home at 19, you now need to protect that. Up to you, either one last chance To get a job (and mean It) or tell him he has had all his chances and he needs to go now.

Donkeyinamanger · 14/04/2022 17:10

Firstly please stop saying you are stupid. You sound extremely capable and switched on. Men like him are very good at manipulation, and you are not the first strong capable woman to get taken in by it, and sadly won't be the last.

Secondly you say you are scared of him, and that he's had anger management. Are you physically safe if you ask him to leave? If not get the police involved.

Whatever you do you really do need to deal with this now, and get him out. If you leave things until the baby arrives you will be far more vulnerable, and things will get a lot worse. There is a reason a lot of domestic violence starts, or worsens during and just after pregnancy. Ending the relationship will be really hard and messy, but you need to be strong and get it done.

Dancer47 · 14/04/2022 17:11

You're only 19!
Oh Christ.
Get onto Women's Aid and let them advise you on getting him OUT.
Please, please, find your strength - you will meet a great man in time, but this not it and all that lies ahead of you is pain, unless you ACT NOW.

By the way, he is committing benefit fraud, which if he is caught and the overpayment can't be recovered through civil proceedings because he has no assets to pay it, they will initiate CRIMINAL proceedings. Get him OUT.

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