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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My partner still hasn't started work?

242 replies

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible!

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 14/04/2022 22:55

I think you should dump him! This situation won't improve

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2022 23:10

My mum moved away about 4 years ago and my dad left about 6 years ago I was forced to start adulthood around 15 got my own flat at 16 after sofa surfing and then I progressed from there...

You are strong as HELL @Babybellaboo to have tackled the adult world at 15 and succeeded! At 15 I was still very wet behind the ears!

I don't know what you mean by 'not as easy as just kicking him out'. I'd say a great deal of your problems would be solved by doing just that and since the lease is in your name, it probably wouldn't be all that hard to do. I asked before, but I'll ask again. Are you afraid of him?

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 23:30

need to do it the right way so I don't cause a bigger problem for myself.. I've already stated I can't explain certain things in our relationship but it's not as easy as just kicking him out

Three questions:

Has he physically abused you, @Babybellaboo?

Is that what his anger management course was about?

What sort of bigger problems are you afraid of?

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 23:32

You can talk to your midwife or whoever you see for pre natal visits.

You can call Women's Aid. They are there to help untangle complicated relationships.

Reach out. There is help available.

TracyMosby · 14/04/2022 23:42

Youve been lat down massively and have a really shitty start. Youre only 19. Youve your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste another second with an irresponsible loser who couldn't care less.

I was going to say write a list of chores that need to be done every day, so he knows sitting around isnt an option. If he is at home, he works. But actually, dont waste any more time and ask him to leave.

It will be the best thing for you as you wont waste more time, and the best thing for your child as she wont have him as her main influence.

Ophanim · 15/04/2022 03:08

Christ OP, you’re still really young. The fact you see this is wrong and are looking for advice means you are smarter than you probably think. I wish you the best of luck and strength going forward.
You and your baby have a long time of life ahead of you - make it good 😊

QueenBitch666 · 15/04/2022 03:15

Stop being a doormat and get rid of the lazy sod 🚩🚩🚩🚩

CheesecakeAddict · 15/04/2022 05:58

Op I've just seen your last few updates. This man's comfort does not trump your right to happiness.

MarriedThreeChildren · 15/04/2022 07:08

@Babybellaboo you need counselling.

I know it’s a line trotted again and again on MN but something is stopping you from kicking him out whilst he is making your life so hard that you can’t be bothered fighting anymore.

Whatever the thing that is making LTB hard (and means it needs to be handle carefully etc….), it can be solved. But it feels like it is more like a huge mountain for you, one that you don’t think you can get over.
I suspect it’s nit as big of a mountain as you think it is.

But you need some support in RL asap. Because I don’t think that people telling you again and again that he is taking you for a mug, a meal ticket etc… is going to be enough for you to find the strength to do what you need to do to protect yourself and the baby.

Weatherwax13 · 15/04/2022 07:24

You are definitely not being stupid and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Most of us have fucked up at some point, picking the wrong bloke and certainly when we were young.
There's no reason to think you won't be a fabulous mother. You sound extremely switched on and you can do this on your own.
Please think who can support you IRL to get this waster out.
If you're scared of him - and I think you are - ring the police love.
Once he's out change the locks.
Do not put him on the birth certificate. It's not like it's worth pursuing him for maintenance anyway.
You have made a nice home, sounds like you've a good job to go back to. You're doing so well.
Best of luck with your baby.

Farmhouse1234 · 15/04/2022 07:28

In 5 years time, he will still not have a job and you will be working all the hours god sends to put food on the table.

You’ll finally want to leave him, but he’ll claim he is the child’s main caregiver, because he is at home. (Even though he will do sweet F all, and you’ll be doing all the work in and out of the home - killing yourself). Then what happens about custody, will he claim child continues to live with him? And you’ll be the one to move out?

Mix56 · 15/04/2022 07:46

He's not going to care for his child lying in bed anyway.
You are not taking his child away, HE is responsable for getting a job, & participating in every task at home. Time he learnt to be an adult.
There are millions of single mothers with mental health problems, They go to work & care for their DCs, because no one else is going to do it.
They see their doctor, they take medication, have therapy & at least try
He is not. Because he has you enabling him, because he is a lazy entitled arse, who should stop procreating if he cant participate as a parent

gamerchick · 15/04/2022 08:17

*Are you allowed to have a single UC claim if you live together?

I don't know to be honest! He's always kept his claim going I've never really had anything to do with it I've never been on benefits don't know how it works really at all

So when he's caught fraudulently claiming benefits, gets his money stopped and landed with an overpayment, will you be paying it back for him as well as financially supporting him? That's what's going to happen.

CandyLeBonBon · 15/04/2022 11:06

What everyone else has said. Op please get rid of this sorry excuse for a human being!

Shinyandnew1 · 15/04/2022 11:15

What sort of salary do you earn-will that pay the mortgage/bills and full time childcare when you go back to work after maternity leave?

Please don’t say you are planning on working from home whilst looking after a baby-this is impossible and it won’t be long before you will be sacked.

BundtCake · 15/04/2022 11:28

Give the baby your surname. How on earth are you going to afford to live when you're on maternity leave? Who is paying for a two bedroom place? Nappies? Food? Bills?

Twokidsanddone · 15/04/2022 11:40

If things broke down and you ended it with him, him having nowhere to go would not be your fault. Breaking up your baby's family would not be your fault. It would be his for not getting it together and getting a job. I get why you'd feel guilty but you'd have absolutely no need to. You wouldn't be breaking up your family, his actions would. Realistically if he doesn't change, you'd be trying to support three of you on nothing, and feel alone anyway. You have the option to only worry about supporting you and the baby, likely get help from UC etc when on maternity so that you can take the full entitlement without worrying, help with childcare costs for going back to work down the line, you'd be much more secure. Maybe he'll sort himself out and change. Miracles do happen I guess but put you and the baby first and remember you've got options

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