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Original poster

My partner still hasn't started work?

242 replies

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:52

@Timeforausernamechange22

Firstly stop buy anything he wants. If he wants something he has to earn it. Secondly prepare to kick him out. You can remain in a relationship whilst not living together. As a single parent you will probably be entitled to some benefits, but they are to support you and your baby - not your boyfriend. He can move back in when he has a job
It's easier said than done.. sometimes it just causes massive conflict between us and I'm that drained now that I just give in cos it's emotionally easier
OP posts:
AwkwardPaws27 · 14/04/2022 15:53

He keeps telling me he is going to but now I have come to the realisation he just tell me what I want to hear when I'm down and then long term things never change

Actions speak louder than words.
I'm so sorry you are in this position but I don't think he's going to change.
You can only prioritise yourself and your baby.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 15:53

He is not going to change. What is he doing now to fix his mental health issues? Nothing?

Kick him out. Tell him he can come back when he has a job and is able to pay his fair share.

If you wait, and he doesn't change, and you eventually want to end the relationship, he will end up as the primary carer and you will have to pay him child support. Do you want this lazy sponger to ruin your life?

He will be a shit parent, lazy, unmotivated, and worse than useless. You will be run ragged.

You and your baby deserve far better.

1Micem0use · 14/04/2022 15:54

Give him notice. One calendar month to find work, any work, or he is out on his ear.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 15:57

So he has enough energy and motivation to heap guilt on you and engage in conflict over this, but for some strange reason getting a job is too much for him?

You need to give yourself a hard slap in the face and do the difficult thing now before it becomes a case of you heading back to work when your baby is six weeks old just so that your useless boyfriend can have the luxuries he is used to.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:57

@mathanxiety

He is not going to change. What is he doing now to fix his mental health issues? Nothing?

Kick him out. Tell him he can come back when he has a job and is able to pay his fair share.

If you wait, and he doesn't change, and you eventually want to end the relationship, he will end up as the primary carer and you will have to pay him child support. Do you want this lazy sponger to ruin your life?

He will be a shit parent, lazy, unmotivated, and worse than useless. You will be run ragged.

You and your baby deserve far better.

I totally understand... I wish I could be completely open about my situation but it's hard.... I feel like I can't just leave I've had numerous attempts but I always end up resolving things and I annoy myself to the max when I do!!! It seems physically impossible feels like he is seriously in my head.
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:58

[quote Timeforausernamechange22]www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/[/quote]
I'm so confused... is this how it looks?

OP posts:
Timeforausernamechange22 · 14/04/2022 15:58

Yes. I believe he is emotionally abusing you.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 14/04/2022 15:59

Not working means he should be doing all the housework, cooking, DIY, getting baby room ready etc. SO unless he is super helpful around the house and proactive in supporting you in every way (other than financially obviously) get rid of him now before the baby arrives.

The last thing you will need when she's here is a lazy sponging man child hanging off you as well. And once she is here you will really start to dislike his behaviour. But you will be vulnerable and exhausted and it will be so so much harder to deal with then.

So please get your house in order before she gets here. These types escalate their abuse once a baby is on the scene, the financial abuse will become emotional and verbal abuse as well and maybe worse. Be proactive, protect her and don't bring her into this bad situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2022 16:00

You've got yourself a Class A cocklodger unless he is acting as a 100% 'househusband' and will be the SAHP for the baby. And I mean he's doing ALL the domestic work leaving you free to work and provide. Is he?

I have no problem with the man being the domestic side of things in a relationship. My DH was hurt on the job and off work for almost 3 years. During that time he took over ALL the household/parent duties that were previously shared (we both worked full time) since he was home all day. He also tightened his belt (we both did that) and did without the 'luxuries' he normally would have enjoyed, including expenses around his sport hobby. Other than the tight finances it was great having him do all the 'heavy lifting' at home. In fact, once he healed I actually asked him if he wanted to stay home permanently. He said "Hell no! It's too much work!!".

If he's a shitty partner, and he is unless he's running the household, do you really think he's going to be Father of the Year?

I think you need to sit down and think about this baby, she needs to be your first priority. Do you want to be able to adequately provide for her? This man is probably costing you a lot of money in extra utilities, food, 'luxuries', etc. That money could be spent on your baby and your home if he wasn't there wasting your resources. Think about that. And exactly what is he adding to your life?

Listen, his possible 'homelessness' is not your problem. Maybe if you kick him out it'll give him the boot up the arse needed to get a job and support himself.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:00

@Timeforausernamechange22

Yes. I believe he is emotionally abusing you.
I don't know what to do.... I want what's best for my baby, and I feel like now people are looking at me like I'm going to be a shit mother because of my choices in men and me basically being a walk over... I just feel so emotionally drained about everything
OP posts:
Regenbogen22 · 14/04/2022 16:01

@Babybellaboo what does he do all day?

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2022 16:03

And kicking him out wouldn't be 'ruining family life' for the baby. Do you really think that having a stressed out mother, a lazy-ass father, and tension in the home you can cut with a knife is 'good family life'? I don't.

Horcruxe · 14/04/2022 16:04

Its not very helpful, but it's only going to get worse when the baby is here, you'll only resent him more.

Especially if he doesn't help with the baby. Whatever you decide it's best to sort it before the baby arrives.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:05

[quote Regenbogen22]@Babybellaboo what does he do all day?[/quote]
He does the occasional cleaning throughout the house, and some washing I mainly do the cooking and the washing and the food shopping. To be honest he spends a lot of time in bed due to his mental health and when I get mad and address the issues it causes massive conflict. His ex partner had a son with him and he used to work then she got into another relationship and cut him off all contact and basically introduced another dad to him which killed my partner which is understandable but now he is in that bad of a place he is quite happy to clean occasionally and sleep all day or lounge about.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 14/04/2022 16:05

Please god say the house is in your name only.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:06

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

Please god say the house is in your name only.
Yes it's fully in my name. He has no rights in the house
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2022 16:06

I don't know what to do.... I want what's best for my baby, and I feel like now people are looking at me like I'm going to be a shit mother because of my choices in men and me basically being a walk over... I just feel so emotionally drained about everything

@Babybellaboo

Is it at all possible for you to move away from him? Maybe if you were miles away it would be easier to keep him out of your life. I know that's pretty drastic and probably not realistic, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

Regenbogen22 · 14/04/2022 16:06

And so where is the money coming from after you've had the baby?

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:07

@AcrossthePond55

I don't know what to do.... I want what's best for my baby, and I feel like now people are looking at me like I'm going to be a shit mother because of my choices in men and me basically being a walk over... I just feel so emotionally drained about everything

@Babybellaboo

Is it at all possible for you to move away from him? Maybe if you were miles away it would be easier to keep him out of your life. I know that's pretty drastic and probably not realistic, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

I've literally just moved to a nice home which is perfect for me and my baby moving wouldn't really be an option
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:07

@Regenbogen22

And so where is the money coming from after you've had the baby?
Well... me
OP posts:
Elliania · 14/04/2022 16:07

And did he ever bother going to see a lawyer to dicuss getting access to his son? Does he pay anything towards his own child? Becase those are both red flags.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:09

@Elliania

And did he ever bother going to see a lawyer to dicuss getting access to his son? Does he pay anything towards his own child? Becase those are both red flags.
He did fight for his son he went through mediation ect.. but she ultimately didn't comply, he was working at this point but still couldn't afford the funds of court which is unfortunate. And he pays some money out each month for his son.
OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 14/04/2022 16:11

Has he never worked? I know a few people like this, they never change. One sounds like your situation; a friend of a friend had a BF who had never worked but expected her to pay for everything. She worked FT. A particularly awkward night was when a group of us went for a meal out and he ordered two bottles of wine just for him (FOAF was driving and pregnant). She started to say he should pay but he started with “I haven’t got any money”.

He really couldn’t see that spending £££ of HER money was wrong. Twenty-odd years later, they’re still together, had either 3/4 kids, her self esteem is so low she doesn’t think she can do better. He was universally loathed by most people in the pubs we used to go in. Get rid now.