My partner still hasn't started work?

[Babybellaboo]

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible!

18 months ago he managed just fine without you, and he will find some other poor sucker to sponge off, they always do. Stop feeling guilty about what will happen to him. Otherwise you will end up working he he will be "stay at home dad" and he could end up as resident parent if you dither too long over this. Put you and baby first, there's serious consequences if you allow him to become primary carer

OP, for the sake of your baby you need to put your sensible cap on here. You've got yourself a cocklodger. He has no intention of working or providing for your or his child. Nothing you can say or do will change this.

So you need to decide if you are willing to fully support him for the rest of your life and if you're not you absolutely MUST get rid of him now. Because if you wait until your baby is a year old or 5 years old or whenever, he will claim that his is the primary carer and you'll still end up supporting him on top of having to fight for access to your child.

Sounds like you can add benefit fraud to the list of your partner's skillsets.

Op other people have said it all. Don't feel stupid, feel angry. Your baby only needs you.

Good luck, I know that it's a lot to get your head around.

Oh lovely. I don’t have tonnes of advice but you sound very switched on for 19, there’s no way I would have managed to sort out everything you have at that age.

You’re not an idiot and I can tell you of countless women who I know who’ve wound up in the same scenario and they’re all bright, lovely girls who are just too kind for their own good.

But now it’s time to put you and your daughter first. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be any worse off just focusing on the two of you. Your partner survived before you came along and will do so again, but your baby needs you and every penny you fund a grown man with - when he can and should be supporting you - is a penny that isnt going to your little girl who really does need your support.

@Babybellaboo it's easy for everyone to advise what to do, it's not so easy when you are in the relationship, have invested time and love and the other person is a real person who you have to look in the eyes.

The important people in this relationship are you and your baby and your priority must be securing your house and money for once the baby is here and you are on maternity leave. I had my son when I was a few years older and it's tough (it's tough at whatever age) those first weeks and months after your baby arrives and you need to be safe and able to afford the things you need. Definitely start to look into what benefits you are likely to be entitled to and if possibly start putting some money aside for maternity leave. You may find you are entitled to more help without him living with you in which case you are faced with a tough choice, remember you and the baby are the important ones here though.

I think you have to face the fact that if your partners attitude to work and support hasn't changed now then it is unlikely to in the future. There is always the chance he may change, I'd plan for the worst case of that not happening and then anything other than that is better. Do you have any friends, relatives etc you can confide in in real life? Anyone who could be with you if you do decide to ask him to leave?

As for trying to juggle work and childcare? I had my second child a few years ago at 40 and despite a steady home and partner there is no way I could juggle childcare and work. Even now with an almost 2 year old you need eyes in the back of your head. I've been lucky to return to work part time and my daughter goes to a childminder so that I can focus on work when at work and her when I'm not. You probably need to start looking into childcare and any financial support you are entitled to. I know my workplace wouldn't tolerate someone trying to juggle both a child and work (while they are at such a young age), it was different when people were forced to because of lockdowns.

Ultimately only you can make the decision on what to do, I think by starting this thread you already know what you want to do, so now you just need to make a plan and find out what support you are entitled to

He's a cocklodger taking every advantage of you.. He won't take responsibility for himself, for supporting you, the home, money, bills, and that should warn you he will never take responsibility for your child. Either as a provider or a father or a role model.

Throw him out now. Without him, your food bills will be lower and you'll pay less council tax as a one-adult household. That will help you save money for when you're on mat leave.

omg you are only 19. You are amazing to have got this far. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this guy drag you down.

If you were my daughter I'd come round and kick this useless specimen out of your house.
Do you have any friends or family who can help provide moral support for you when you ask him to leave?

Your 19
You now have a baby
You have a good job
Your own home

You have done amazing

So raise the bar and get rid of this lazy cocklodger, and bring up your daughter with good standards.

He's committing benefit fraud. Any UC must also take into account partners income if living together and if you have a good wage likely he wouldn't get anything meaning you would be 100% responsible for providing for everyone (my ex didnt get anything due to my salary). Im not sure but imagine there cld be a risk you get into trouble too or at least interviewed by police if he gets caught which when pregnant is not ideal!!

This isnt your fault , it sounds like hes manipulated you into this situation and tbh got you pregnant on purpose to "trap" you.
Youre not trapped and you have your whole life ahead of you far away from this loser. Make a plan to kick him out hes not your responsibility and could get you into serious trouble! PPs have helpfully signposted to womens aid - give them a call if you need advice.

You will be much better off as a single mum

@BeinBedEarly

If a man wants to see his child, unless he abused that child, he is allowed to see it. So if your partner (such as he is) is not allowed to see his child, he’s either lying, abusive or can’t be arsed.

You don’t need him. Some of your messages are very “people will think”. Who gives a shit. Your child deserves engaged parents. Better one brilliant parent than a brilliant mum who has her ££ siphoned off by a negligent male who lies to her telling her what she wants to hear and sponges off her for 20 years

This is incorrect.

If a man wants to see his child, he is allowed to. Even if there has been abuse - only then does contact have to take place in a supervised setting but it is still allowed.
I know this from experience. My ex went to prison for child abuse against dd. It was still within his rights to request contact. He did once, supervised by social services. Lasted 15 minutes and he has never wanted to see her again thank fuck!

Unfortunately i think soon you will realise that the money is the least of your problems. Is he planning on going outside with his kid? taking him / her to clubs and groups and parks? changing a nappy? or is that going to be on you too? Is he going to get involved with birthdays and Christmases and Easters etc? Or is he going to stay in bed whilst you entertain your kid.

Then your kid grows up to feel resentment and confusion about why there father doesnt seem at all interested in there life, then you will eventually break up because youve had enough of working to support his instability whilst he cant even be a father and yet now you have wasted 10+ years on this waste of space excuse of a husband and he still never sees the kids unless you do all the organising and running around.

That was my husbands father. Had 3 kids with his wife, didnt work, didnt do anything with the children except moan they were too loud and that he was depressed.

You really need to get rid of him before the baby is born because as soon as the baby is here he is just going to use it as an excuse to continue to not work, apply for child benefit and very likely claim to be the primary care giver when you do try to leave him eventually. Do not let it get that far. I have every sympathy for people dealing with MH issues but he isn't dealing with his at all. He's just wallowing in it.

also let me say, your 19 you have your whole life ahead of you, it doesnt just stop once you have a baby. use this to learn lessons. Never just accept lower tier. Just because you have your kid doesnt mean its him or single forever ( although i tbh would prefer to be single forever than date some of the low life's out there)

He won't just leave tho it's never going to be that simple

If necessary, wait till he goes out, change the locks, and text him to say he has ignored one ultimatum too many and this is it. Pack up his things and give him a time when he can collect them from outside your door.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking you're too stupid, or scared, or weak to do this. You are obviously none of those things given the way you've stepped up to provide for yourself and your daughter. You will feel so much better not having to walk around this waste of space any more, and you will be financially better off, too.

OP - I think maybe it’s time you contacted his ex. After all, you are carrying her sons sibling and they should have a right to a relationship. I always hear it from people who’ve grown up with zero contact from their dad. They always say they couldn’t give a fuck about him, but they would like to know if they have siblings.

By the way OP, the benefit fraud he is committing is called "LTAHAW ", which means he is claiming as a single man, but you are "living together as husband and wife".

if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless

That's his problem. Maybe he would think of getting a job at that point.

OP, you are already a good mother because you've got your act together and are working f/t to provide for your baby before she's even born. It's your house, and you can say whom you want there and whom you don't. Get rid.

OP, tell him the relationship is over and he has to move out by x date. Do not get drawn into any discussions, pleadings or sobbing manipulations. Just keep repeating calmly that the relationship is over and he has to move out by x date. Just like a stuck record.

Then on x date, if he's still there call the police, tell them you're pregnant and your ex is refusing to leave your property. They will come and remove him for you.

If at any point while you're sticking to your guns he gets threatening or you get scared, you call the police and have him removed immediately.

You sound like a great parent to have! A young woman with a job, a house, and a plan.

He does not sound to be adding much to your life despite his longer experience. He is holding you back and simply adding to the chores . Is there anything about him you will really miss?

Have you got friends and relations who will 'help' him move out next week?

It could start as a 'trial separation' if you wanted to give him a chance to find work and become that amazing dad you hoped he would be. That 'tough love' (and standing up to an emotional abuser) could be the making of you both. However, I suspect that the trial be the first step to your freedom from a deadweight... but you never know.

@Babybellaboo You're so very young! You've been with this man since you were 17 out 18, and I'm worried you don't know how bad this situation is.
He's a grown man with one child and another on the way, and he won't (nerve has?) Get off his arse to get a job to support his children- that's bad!
Where was he living when you met? How soon did he move in? You say you can't kick him out because he has nowhere to go, but it's not that long since you weren't there to provide a roof over his head. He needs to grow up and accept responsibility.
Please think carefully about your future, and your daughter's future. I fully believe you two will be better off without this waste of space!!
💐

You know he is taking advantage of you. You think he is motivated like you are. But he isn't. He doesn't want to work or provide. He is happy with it as it is. That won't change and the baby will piss him right off because your focus will 100% be else where

Tell him. He needs to be working or claiming disability benefit if he is so unfit for working?

If he wanted to see his son it would have happened. It isn't an easy process but it isn't ££ to go through the court process yourself. Wouldn't you do anything to see your child?

Also working and a small baby isn't going to work. You will need childcare of some sort. And if he is at home 'doing it' he will do it badly and you will be pulled both ways. Also it's probably in your contract no under 12 whilst home working or the such like.

Be strong seek support for yourself.

Stop giving him your money. Think of either buying shoes for your child or money for him to drink smoke or whatever it is he so badly wants over your child's needs. Just say no sorry I don't have it. Don't expand or go into the ins and outs. Just sorry no I don't have any money.

You know this needs to change. You will find your own breaking point. Be brave and start and new chapter for you and your daughter. Show her what strong women look like.

Your story is so like mine. I also worked from home. I was back at work within a month of birth. He still sat there demanding this that and the other. A few months later I threw him out. Don't put you and your new baby through the stress of living with this awful male. Get rid now. He is only playing on your kindness.

[quote GeorgesMarvelousCalpol]@Babybellaboo You're so very young! You've been with this man since you were 17 out 18, and I'm worried you don't know how bad this situation is.
He's a grown man with one child and another on the way, and he won't (nerve has?) Get off his arse to get a job to support his children- that's bad!
Where was he living when you met? How soon did he move in? You say you can't kick him out because he has nowhere to go, but it's not that long since you weren't there to provide a roof over his head. He needs to grow up and accept responsibility.
Please think carefully about your future, and your daughter's future. I fully believe you two will be better off without this waste of space!!
💐[/quote]
So many typos - apologies!
... 17 or 18...
... won't or never has gotten off his arse to get a job...

Anyway, hope it was legible enough.

exactly that