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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner still hasn't started work?

242 replies

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:26

@Georgeskitchen

He's taking the piss. You need to give him an ultimatum. Get a job or leave. I think if you kick him out he may suddenly realise he can work after all when there is nobody else there willing to feed and clothe him while he sits on his arse
He won't just leave tho it's never going to be that simple...
OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 14/04/2022 16:27

Did he have a job before, can he go back to that? if his MH really is a problem he needs to seek help and get it sorted out.

Lubeyboobyalt · 14/04/2022 16:28

you wouldn't be ruining the family life for the baby, HE is

get rid of him and do not feel an ounce of guilt - he is not your problem and you are not a rehabilitation centre for inept lazy men

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:30

@Bananalanacake

Did he have a job before, can he go back to that? if his MH really is a problem he needs to seek help and get it sorted out.
He has had a job a few years back from what he says... the issue is I've begged him to get help with MH but he had no faith he has been to councillors anger management and therapists all before as he experienced a lot of trauma as a child and was in the care system.. and then also loosing his son he doesn't Believe they can help him so he refuses to go he just deals with it and some days he's ok and some days he's really not
OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2022 16:30

Tale as old as time.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:31

@Lubeyboobyalt

you wouldn't be ruining the family life for the baby, HE is

get rid of him and do not feel an ounce of guilt - he is not your problem and you are not a rehabilitation centre for inept lazy men

I know... I don't know how I got sucked into this I really don't... I feel like it's impossible to get him to leave it never works
OP posts:
viques · 14/04/2022 16:33

Thank goodness you have a two bedroomed property. You will be able to get a lodger in to rent the second bedroom which will be some additional income when you boot out your useless baby daddy. [ smile]

Why do you think you will feel guilty if he becomes homeless? Do you not realise that unless he gets his arse in gear all three of you could become homeless when there is no money coming in and you fall behind with the rent? Do you thinks he gives a monkeys that you and your baby could be living in a homeless hostel, a bed and breakfast or grim temporary accommodation ?

You are about to become a parent, no one else is going to stick up for your baby apart from you. Start acting like the good parent you want to be and doing what is best for your baby, not for a lazy adult who sounds as though they have an excuse for every day of the year as to why they aren’t working.

EmJay19 · 14/04/2022 16:34

I’d be having a conversation about how you won’t be able to pay for all three of you and if he’s not going to contribute it’s probably right that he looks for somewhere else to take the pressure off you.

You don’t need to threat to kick him out, just say that on balance it looks like it’s not going to work as it has before with the baby coming and he needs to decide what to do to take the pressure off you, find somewhere else or bring in some money.

Iamnotamermaid · 14/04/2022 16:34

If you do a search on the site you will find numerous tales of women living with their DP\DH. They earn all the money, do all the housework and childcare. The man promises to change and but never do, they just milk the situation for all it's worth & bring nothing to the table. And they rarely get thrown out as the woman feels guilty & responsible for them. This can go on for years.

The person who suggested speak to woman's aid is right. Speak to them and get their perspective on your situation. I think you might find it helpful.

AwkwardPaws27 · 14/04/2022 16:35

he has been to councillors anger management and therapists all before

Does he still have anger issues? Lash out when he gets frustrated? If so, please think carefully before leaving a baby in his care. A crying newborn can be very, very frustrating...

He's not on the rental agreement, it's in your name so you can ask him to leave and if he won't go you can get the police to remove him. It's your home.

Women's Aid would be a really good place to call for advice if you are worried about asking him to leave.

Duchess379 · 14/04/2022 16:36

@DogsAndGin

Why would you choose such a waster to be a child’s father 🤷🏼‍♀️

This! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:36

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Tale as old as time.
I know right I'm just another stupid women who has been mugged off and is being mugged off
OP posts:
Saltyquiche · 14/04/2022 16:37

Give him another ultimatum, get medication from the GP and then find work or leave. He’s doing nothing to help himself and this is a massive issue.

What sort of work has he done previously and how recent was it? Is there anyone that can support him with applications?

Twizbe · 14/04/2022 16:38

@Babybellaboo

Please ring womens aid and get a plan of action to get him out of your life. He's a waste of space. I doubt anything he told you is what really happened.

The fact it would cause an issue if you spoke to the ex tells me he's told you a ton of lies.

You cannot work from home and care for your baby. Millions of us tried to do it during lockdown and it was hell.

fishonabicycle · 14/04/2022 16:38

You are going to either be a single parent, or a single parent who also supports (mentally and financially) a useless adult. I know which I would choose ...

Ninjaexpress · 14/04/2022 16:39

It's never impossible to get them to leave. You tell him to get out then call the police if he doesn't. If you expect violence have someone with you and warn the police. You've been with him long enough to know he isn't going to change. He's a drain on you mentally and financially and he's lining up to be a crap father.

Whatwouldnanado · 14/04/2022 16:39

Sit him down with a pad and pencil, write down all your outgoings. Tell him what your income is, any child benefit etc and ask him what us he going to do to contribute. If he shows no willingness to sort himself out do the right thing for you and the baby and yell him to move on. You sound lovely, but the stress all this must be causing isn't worth it.

toomuchlaundry · 14/04/2022 16:40

Do you have a joint claim for UC as you are a couple and live together?

mafsfan · 14/04/2022 16:42

Be kinder to yourself. You've been sucked in like thousands of women are every year. But you've now seen something that has made this click and you're starting to see the reality.

You may feel a fool and that it's going to be too hard to kick him out. But you can do this and it will be far far better for your child that you do this ASAP.

You know he's a waste of space and you know you don't need him. He is adding absolutely nothing to your life. You are far better than this.

Acheyknees · 14/04/2022 16:43

Right, stop funding him. If he asks for money you say you need it for the baby and are saving it until He gets a job. You don't talk about 'if', it's 'when'. If he fobs you off, you tell him you'll have to take a lodger in as you can't fund it alone. Stop worrying about how he feels and start worrying about saddling your child with such a loser

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:45

@toomuchlaundry

Do you have a joint claim for UC as you are a couple and live together?
No I work full time!
OP posts:
GinnyBee · 14/04/2022 16:45

He needs a proper kick up the backside and a reality check! Having MH issues is one thing, doing nothing about it is irresponsible. If he was that broken by getting cut off from his first child then he should be motivated enough to stop that happening again with yours!

You need to make it really clear to him that if he doesn't start contributing, even by seeking help for his depression, then you can't have him around anymore. He needs to be a positive presence, not a drain on your resources as you are going to be running out of those very soon.

If he is just going to be dead weight you will be better off without, and your baby will be better off without. I know it's hard when you think you love him, but I promise you if you end up breaking up and kicking him out you will eventually feel great relief that you don't have to look after him anymore.

Dancer47 · 14/04/2022 16:46

You need to tell him to move out, get a bedsit or flat/house share, or whatever benefits will pay for a single man in your region - in my region he would get £75 a week housing benefit max.. He needs to sign on or go on the sick. He needs to do this as a single man (which he is) and you need to concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy, and extract him from your home and finances ASAP - give him a date and stick to it.

I can tell you from experience that once he shys away from work or whines about "mental health" to avoid it, yet you still keep him fed and comfortable, from now on he will EXPECT that level of care from you.

He will also most likely resent it when the baby is born, not help you with baby or help with the housework as he will feel he is not getting the money, care and attention from you that he got before.
OUT WITH HIM - NOW.

D0lphine · 14/04/2022 16:46

His ex partner had a son with him and he used to work then she got into another relationship and cut him off all contact and basically introduced another dad to him which killed my partner which is understandable.

Do you have any independent evidence of this? Have you seen texts / heard phone conversations with his ex? Or have you relied on what he said?

Given what you've said about him, this could be a lie. Maybe his behaviour with his ex was the same as with you, and she simply got rid and found a new partner?

Also if you're in the UK the dad has a right to see a child unless there is abuse. So why hasn't he got rights to see his child?

Sounds like he might have spun you a "woe is me" story, placing the blame solely with his ex.

toomuchlaundry · 14/04/2022 16:47

Are you allowed to have a single UC claim if you live together?