Page 3 | My partner still hasn't started work?

Babybellaboo · 2022-04-14T14:08:05+00:00

Hi, I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022. I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing... We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury. See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!! He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible! [sad]

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:12

@AcrossthePond55

And kicking him out wouldn't be 'ruining family life' for the baby. Do you really think that having a stressed out mother, a lazy-ass father, and tension in the home you can cut with a knife is 'good family life'? I don't.

I understand and completely agree and all I want is to be the best mother and provide the best life I came from a broken home and saw a lot of conflict which I would never want but I'm scared of his reaction if I was to put my food down and tell him to leave it would not be as simple as that is will become sour and some popes just don't seem to realise how hard it is to leave this type of relationship

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Herejustforthisone · 14/04/2022 16:14

He lays in bed all day long.

He contributes nothing.

He lies to you about getting work.

He bullies you into buying him all the stuff he wants.

I don’t really think I need to go on…

OP. You already do everything and provoke everything. You owe him nothing. If he’s homeless when you ask him to leave, it’s entirely his own doing. You’ve already proved to yourself that you can provide for you baby beautifully on your own. I strongly suggest you do that and get rid of this waste of space.

Timeforausernamechange22 · 14/04/2022 16:14

So he has a child he doesn’t see and doesn’t support right?
So why did you think he’d suddenly be different with your baby?
Is this all the story that he has told you or were you on the scene before the mother cut contact and witnessed it all yourself? Because I’m sure if it’s just what he has said he will of course paint himself as the undeserving victim.

Herejustforthisone · 14/04/2022 16:14

So you’re scared of him and how he’ll react when you tell him to leave. Ok. Speak to Women’s Aid pronto.

ElegantlyTouched · 14/04/2022 16:15

And he pays some money out each month for his son.

You mean you pay for his son, I presume?

Herejustforthisone · 14/04/2022 16:15

@Herejustforthisone

He lays in bed all day long.

He contributes nothing.

He lies to you about getting work.

He bullies you into buying him all the stuff he wants.

I don’t really think I need to go on…

OP. You already do everything and provoke everything. You owe him nothing. If he’s homeless when you ask him to leave, it’s entirely his own doing. You’ve already proved to yourself that you can provide for you baby beautifully on your own. I strongly suggest you do that and get rid of this waste of space.

Provide, not provoke.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 16:15

He is in your head, yes.

But you can get him out of it.

Start by checking his job search daily. Ask him to tell you what he has done to find a job. If he says he has mental health issues that keep him from getting a job, ask him what he is doing to get those issues sorted out.

You will see the complete unreasonableness of what he is doing, and the closer you get to the delivery of your baby the less patient you will feel about supplying a grown man with his luxuries while he sits on his arse all day feeling sorry for himself.

If there is conflict as a result of you trying to make him accountable, this is on him. You are not being unreasonable here.

Adults get jobs.
Adults seek help for issues that are keeping them from working to support the people they love.

Would you treat him the way he treats you?

What you are asking is completely reasonable. Stop blaming yourself for this surprise baby. Pat yourself on the back for finding a decent place to live and for getting a better job. You sound great, and you are going to be a great mother.

What he is asking is completely unreasonable - basically that you act as his parent, provide for his needs and buy him luxuries, and give back nothing in return, actually insisting he owes you nothing and telling you that. He won't get a job. He won't do anything about the problems he says are keeping him from getting a job.

Do not wait until the baby is born to kick him out. This man is nothing but a huge burden to you, both mentally and financially, and you stand to lose both the baby and a huge amount of your income if he is still there after the baby is born if you eventually decide enough is enough.

Do not put his name on the baby's birth cert either. It is far easier to get him out of your life if he has no official parental responsibility.

Rinatinabina · 14/04/2022 16:16

I don’t know why you feel guilt, he doesn’t feel guilty with you being pregnant and financially supporting him. He doesn’t feel bad at all.

Fireflygal · 14/04/2022 16:17

You won't realise how much of a drain he is on you until you are apart. He can still be a dad to your daughter but he needs to learn to be an adult first.

You are likely to be better off if you are a single parent rather than subbing a grown man. You'll pay less council tax and food, utilities will be cheaper.

Give him notice - he's a freeloader. If he grows up you can reevaluate the relationship. Please set an example for your daughter- show her you value yourself

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:18

@mathanxiety

He is in your head, yes.

But you can get him out of it.

Start by checking his job search daily. Ask him to tell you what he has done to find a job. If he says he has mental health issues that keep him from getting a job, ask him what he is doing to get those issues sorted out.

You will see the complete unreasonableness of what he is doing, and the closer you get to the delivery of your baby the less patient you will feel about supplying a grown man with his luxuries while he sits on his arse all day feeling sorry for himself.

If there is conflict as a result of you trying to make him accountable, this is on him. You are not being unreasonable here.

Adults get jobs.
Adults seek help for issues that are keeping them from working to support the people they love.

Would you treat him the way he treats you?

What you are asking is completely reasonable. Stop blaming yourself for this surprise baby. Pat yourself on the back for finding a decent place to live and for getting a better job. You sound great, and you are going to be a great mother.

What he is asking is completely unreasonable - basically that you act as his parent, provide for his needs and buy him luxuries, and give back nothing in return, actually insisting he owes you nothing and telling you that. He won't get a job. He won't do anything about the problems he says are keeping him from getting a job.

Do not wait until the baby is born to kick him out. This man is nothing but a huge burden to you, both mentally and financially, and you stand to lose both the baby and a huge amount of your income if he is still there after the baby is born if you eventually decide enough is enough.

Do not put his name on the baby's birth cert either. It is far easier to get him out of your life if he has no official parental responsibility.

What do you mean I could loose the baby???

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Terfydactyl · 14/04/2022 16:18

And he pays some money out each month for his son

How if hes not earning anything?

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 16:18

How come you have tried before to leave?

Whose name is on the lease for the home you're living in now?

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:19

@ElegantlyTouched

And he pays some money out each month for his son.

You mean you pay for his son, I presume?

No he does get his UC but it's literally naff all my wage is like 4X that and it comes out of that. He always says I can put his money towards this and that but when the moneys there he just spends it on useless things 90% of the time and it's gone and it's back to relying on my money.

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Flakjacketon · 14/04/2022 16:19

I'm sure a pp has said this already but play it forward; your daughter is a young adult, she has a young child and her DP won't work stays in bed all day with MH issues he won't seek treatment for.

Your poor daughter is run ragged looking after both her DC and partner; he doesn't help with DC because he find parenthood too stressful; money is short and any spare she is giving to he partner to stop him going off on one but she feels too sorry for him to tell him to go and do one

What advice would you give your DD?

This is your life and your DDs. Look after your DD, don't let her grow up with this as her model for a relationship.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2022 16:20

So has he just spent the last year and a half of you being together just sitting around?

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:20

@Timeforausernamechange22

So he has a child he doesn’t see and doesn’t support right? So why did you think he’d suddenly be different with your baby? Is this all the story that he has told you or were you on the scene before the mother cut contact and witnessed it all yourself? Because I’m sure if it’s just what he has said he will of course paint himself as the undeserving victim.

No I wasn't there first hand it is from what he had told me and others have told me... I guess I truly wouldn't know till I asked his ex for myself but that too would cause huge problems ...

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TabbyMcTatBuskersCat · 14/04/2022 16:20

You could lose your child after it is born if you go back to work and the father stays at home and looks after it due to unemployment. He would be classed as the primary carer and if he took you to court, chances are you'd be the one seeing your child every other weekend and half the holidays.

Azerothi · 14/04/2022 16:20

Who is going to look after your baby after you have been on maternity leave? Your boyfriend won't, I can guarantee he will say it is his mental health preventing him.

If you want to stay with him you need urgently to think about your future and your baby's future and how you can carry your boyfriend and your daughter. Think seriously about what will happen if you return to work. And, what will happen to you and your baby if he makes it very difficult for you to return to work.

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:21

@Terfydactyl

And he pays some money out each month for his son

How if hes not earning anything?

I said above he does get UC but it's literally nothing not even what I earn on a week and it gets blown ..

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Georgeskitchen · 14/04/2022 16:21

He's taking the piss. You need to give him an ultimatum. Get a job or leave. I think if you kick him out he may suddenly realise he can work after all when there is nobody else there willing to feed and clothe him while he sits on his arse

Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:22

@mathanxiety

How come you have tried before to leave?

Whose name is on the lease for the home you're living in now?

I've had contestant battles with him about providing and working and tbh cos I work from home I see him everyday so I think not only would it be better financially it would be more normal for our relationship because we are good together in many ways but I just can't seem to snap him out of this attitude...

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Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:22

@mathanxiety

How come you have tried before to leave?

Whose name is on the lease for the home you're living in now?

And the house is in my name

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Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:24

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

So has he just spent the last year and a half of you being together just sitting around?

Unfortunately... yes and I'm so ashamed of this because it makes me look absolutely ridiculous

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Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:24

@TabbyMcTatBuskersCat

You could lose your child after it is born if you go back to work and the father stays at home and looks after it due to unemployment. He would be classed as the primary carer and if he took you to court, chances are you'd be the one seeing your child every other weekend and half the holidays.

I work from home so was going to try and juggle both.... but I don't know I feel so stupid right now

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Original poster

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 16:26

@Georgeskitchen

He's taking the piss. You need to give him an ultimatum. Get a job or leave. I think if you kick him out he may suddenly realise he can work after all when there is nobody else there willing to feed and clothe him while he sits on his arse

I gave him the ultimatum a few times he makes it look like he's going to for fill what I asked and then it's fell through yet again and for some reason everything carry's on as normal I know I sound absolutely ridiculous right none

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