Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5

[Avocuddles]

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@Anon20something that's incredibly tough and we are all here for you.
I have a friend who has a daughter that should be growing up with mine. If I'm brutally honest I'm phasing her out as I can't deal with it. I can't totally avoid her as they will all go to school together.
So I don't have any advice other than I totally understand how you feel. X

@Hagster I'm pretty sure there is a similar thread so I'll have a look and let you know.

@Sazzy312 I just wanted to say how much I adore the name Olive. X

@Sazzy312 I think it was about 18 weeks with DS, usually after food to start with!

@footprintsintheslow aww thank you 💕
@Seahawk80 right I've heard a lot of women say around 18 weeks they noticed it, something to look forward to 😄
@MOGMOGMOG85 I forgot to say I'm sorry to hear about the pub noise problem I hope it doesn't affect your viewings

@Seahawk80 @footprintsintheslow thank you so much, I’m sorry that you guys find it hard seeing other babies the same age too, though it does make me feel less alone. It’s horrible feeling so resentful, I feel guilty about it. My husband is both their kids godfather so it’s very difficult and we do see them quite a lot, thankfully our friends are really understanding and do talk about lily with us a lot to include her too. Doesn’t make it any easier though, I just wish it was me and my girl too.

I’ve ordered myself a pizza, had an alcohol free beer and running myself a nice bath - little bit of self care is needed today.

Growth scan today at 35+5 all is well! Consultant appointment went well too, back in 3 weeks where they will examine me and look at induction. Again unless I become pretty unwell with the gallstones before then.

Felt pretty sad that its coming to an end soon (even though I feel like shit and have done for months 😂 its like the end of an era!)

Also been a moody cow tonight 🤷‍♀️ one of those "do you need to breathe so loudly?" Moods that you can't shift!

@Seahawk80 good luck with that 3 week wait, we all know how excruciating it is! I don't have advice for before 12 weeks really, try to remind yourself how positive the early scan was in an effort to counter some of those negative thoughts, and then just distraction, distraction, distraction all the way! Time definitely moves differently in those early days... I'll be crossing my fingers for you and let us know if you find any good distraction techniques or things that make you feel better for a while while you wait xx also thanks for the pub advice! I did actually wake up on Monday after the weekend and think "the house is going to be on the market next week is it really a smart idea to start a complaint?". Think we're just going to harass the pub landlord (theres 3 of us who can call him) and make it clear we want it switched down, that its affecting us, and hope that he is sensible enough to do that... he did get fined £20000 a few years ago after neighbours took him to court so I think he'd be pretty dumb to try his luck, having said that he is def a bit dumb....!!! I'm just trying to stay positive that we'll be lucky and someone will want our house. The landlord has said it will only be until coronavirus restrictions are lifted so I really hope he honours that, and hopefully buyers might be reassured? Ugh dont want to think about it, just going to cross my fingers.

@Anon20something oh my goodness having your friends baby so close to Lily must be so so hard. Especially being godparents oh my goodness! That's great that they talk about Lily a lot

Forgot to say @Whiffle77 what did they say about your fibroid, are you having to consider caesarian or is it early enough that it might still move? If it helps I had a friend who's birth canal was blocked at 20 weeks but it moved by the end of the pregnancy and she had a vaginal birth - fingers crossed! I'm quite anxious about my fibroids tomorrow - they forgot to look at them at the 12 week scan and my consultant was really pissed off! They are enormous after all so its kind of important!!! For me they are not in the way, its more that they are just so huge that they could cause issues for me during or after the pregnancy, and I'm keen to know how much they've grown... :(

Also @Anon20something I hope that as godparents you dont feel that you have to spend birthdays with your friends daughter! It seems like its really important for you guys to remember Lily at this time when it's an anniversary xxx

Hi,

Sorry this isn't exactly the right thread as this is for pregnancy (congratulations to everyone on this 🥰)

I sadly lost my baby boy this weekend, he was born after a short 2 hour labour at 8.52 on Sunday. We said goodbye and are now at home trying to recover. He was 18 weeks.

After a lot of struggling with how we felt, my partner and I have realised that we can never and will never forget our wee baby John (named after his dad) but we have an overwhelming need to try again, to have a focus and maybe one day get to look after our wee baby past that early stage and bring them into the world healthy and happy. Some family have struggled to understand our feelings whilst others have, but I know in my heart it's what we need moving forward.

I wanted to know if there's a thread for those trying to conceive after a loss, if any of you were previously on it before getting your happy BFPs?

I'm sorry if I have brought the mood of this lovely thread down, I just thought you ladies would be able to point me in the right direction. Thank you xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 thank you for your lovely message, means so much! I try to stay really positive on here most of the time, and really do appreciate all the support I get from you all too. Definitely it’s been so helpful to find a group that, whilst we may have had different experiences, we share lots of the same emotions. Kind of feels like a special bond in all this doesn’t it ❤️That sounded like it was really tough for you, the guilt around feeling grief and sadness around pregnant friends etc is really hard to cope with as well I think. Sometimes I think we have to accept that we just need to protect our own hearts a little and do what we need to to survive really! We distanced ourselves quite a lot from our friends and godchildren but they do understand, we always take presents down a few days later and I’ve actually never even held their daughter!

It's that time again, 31 weeks today. Feeling a bit more human this week after some sleep while we were away. Definitely winding down at work...not that I'm counting but 17 days left 😂. I'm working to wrap everything up, which actually isn't taking much and I'm also doing a load of knowledge transfer stuff with my replacement, which has been challenging to say the least because she keeps missing the Skype meetings 🤦 I'm just going to do what I can and not stress about to it, the pressure is on her not me!

Had a lovely unplanned socially distanced catch up with some friends last night, one of them is staying at her mum's for a course as she normally lives an hour away, so we decided at 4 to meet up and by 4:30 there were 6 of us plus kids sitting on towels in a friend's garden. It was really lovely and I think it went so well we'll do it more regularly!

@Bellsx 35wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 35wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@Hoping2020 31wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 31wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Knotemma 31wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 28wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 30wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 30wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 30wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 28wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 27wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 26wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 29wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 28wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 28wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 28wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 24wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 22wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 18wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 20wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 20wks (due 05/12/20)
@footprintsintheslow 14 wks (due 10/01/21)
@turquoisebaby 13 weeks (due 24/01/2021

@KerryW87 I'm so sorry for your loss. There is a TTC after loss thread, I'm a bit rubbish at links - hopefully someone ear can come along and link it for you but it's called the penguin huddle. I was on it briefly and found it very supportive. I hope that you have lots of support around you and please take care of yourself xx

@KerryW87 I am so so sorry to hear of your loss and you certainly don't need to apologise! Everyone here has experienced loss and will empathise with the awful rollercoaster of emotions you are experiencing at the moment. I hope that seeing the many positive stories here will have given you personally some hope for the future - it's a tough journey dealing with trying to conceive / pregnancy after you've experienced something so heartbreaking, but have faith that one day you will have your rainbow baby in your arms, whilst never forgetting your beautiful boy.

I would highly recommend the following thread - quite a lot of us here came from there originally (myself included) and its another very friendly and welcoming community. I hope to see you graduate to this thread very soon though!

Penguin huddle 🐧🐧🐧 TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 35 - time for some sticky BFP's www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3913897-Penguin-huddle-TTC-after-pregnancy-loss-Thread-35-time-for-some-sticky-BFPs

Thanks @MOGMOGMOG85 one thing I've found really helpful is to repeat to myself "the most likely outcome is a healthy baby" on repeat to drown out the negative thoughts and stop me getting into a downward spiral. I know what you mean about spending time with pregnant friends. I was ok after the first TMFR and now I really struggle.

It doesn't help that my sisters brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby right around my second due date. Every time we meet up my sister says something about them having a terrible year (I mean their wedding was cancelled due to corona and he's had some conflict at work but it's not that bad) I get it's a shame they couldn't do NCT / baby shower etc but I really find it hard when my sister talks about it. My sister even sent is a pic of the 4D Scan on WhatsApp! Oh and the girlfriend (who has the most privileged life and gave up work when they got engaged like it was Victorian times!!) is disappointed they are having a boy not a girl 😡. I feel like people are super nice and supportive when you go through a loss and then just expect you to snap back to real life and be fine.

I've read some really good blog posts about pregnancy after loss recently by the frugality and feathering the empty nest - both put all the feelings so well. Hopefully my sister might read one and think a bit more!!

@MOGMOGMOG85 Best of luck with the scan tomorrow! I understand all too well how those nerves will be. On the movement, I had my scan at 21+5 and was not feeling anything distinctive at that stage. Just odd minor flutter but easy to miss. Even at my MW appointment at 22+5 she was telling me he was moving and I couldn't feel it. I'm now 24+3 and can say movements have suddenly ramped up. There's no mistaking them. It's actually crazy how much difference a fortnight can make.

@Whiffle77 That's great news on your scan. Must feel relieved to have that hurdle out of the way.

I officially gave my maternity leave notice yesterday. Doubt it was well received as I essenrially told them I was taking 13 months off and didn't get a response from either person I sent it to. Not my problem!!

@KerryW87 I'm can see you've been given the link above and you'll find it's a terrifically supportive thread. I came over from there and it'll be great to see you back here soon. X
Good luck and don't worry about what other people think.

@AnxiousLady1 congratulations on getting your paperwork in! Like you say, not your problem now.

@Seahawk80 sorry that your sister isn't being overly considerate. I'm on the other side of things at the moment as the pregnant one with 2 close friends who are ttc after loss. They've both definitely distanced themselves, which I understand, but I do miss them both. I'm trying to keep contact open but not baby focused, but not sure I'm doing a very good job if I'm honest. I wish I could just make things go their way so we can all be hysterical panicky crazy pregnant ladies together.

@KerryW87 I'm so sorry for your loss. Take time to take extra good care of yourself and your husband and hopefully we'll see you back here in the not to distant future.

@MOGMOGMOG85 best of luck for tomorrow, I don't feel movements until the week I had my anatomy scan and they were still very all over the place for a few weeks after. Last night I had a tight top on and my mum saw baby move from the other side of the room...a bit weird if I'm honest!

Thanks @AnxiousLady1 that is def reassuring to hear! I know its moving, and I know I can feel something just at the moment no way I could count (or even feel) kicks etc...

Re: maternity leave I've done something similar. I'm currently on furlough which they said they were doing to protect me from the children at school, but the kids have been off for weeks now! I was hoping to be back so not sure what's going on. I sent an email the other day saying that in all honesty I am not comfortable about going back in September with all the kids being there and me in my last trimester, and would they consider furloughing me from September-October. Felt a bit cheeky but tbh I'm not sure how much proper gardening work I'll get done during the last trimester. My job is very physical and hardcore, involves lots of machinery use and lots of heavy lifting - usually I love it but already I am out of breath just going on a little walk! Anyway then I proposed that I use my accrued A/L from Sept-Oct in early November and then use my maternity leave annual leave BEFORE going on maternity leave and take the rest of November off. I hoped it would be favourable to them because 1) they dont seem in a hurry to get me back anyway 2) I'm only getting bigger and clunkier and my role involves no office work so its going to get harder for them to find tasks for me 3) they claim they are worried about my safety with the kids around and September is going to be nuts 4) it will save them money with me on furlough as long as possible... its worrying to ask for stuff like that though as you're never sure how it will be taken!

I wanted to ask if anyone knows how it works if I take my annual leave from my maternity leave BEFORE maternity leave? I had a quick look online and apparently it's quite common, I know my partners workplace do it quite a lot. But considering (they dont know this) I am NOT planning on returning to work, could they make me pay that annual leave back?? I would be handing in my notice towards the final months of my mat leave. I won't be screwing them over as they are not hiring a replacement for me and are going to be getting my assistant to do all the work (a bit of a crazy plan but I don't think they fully realise how much work I do and it's not my problem that I'm undervalued)! They are also not paying me any maternity pay, it's all statutory so the only thing I'm doing which is a bit cheeky is taking my annual leave from my maternity leave... if I don't do this I will hardly have any annual leave to use, just 7 days, but thought I'd seek peoples advice as I don't want to be in a position where I owe money after baby is born...

@MOGMOGMOG85 you're entitled to all the annual leave you would accrue during your maternity period, so I can't see how they could make you pay it back, unless you used the full years balance eg April to April but left them in September (hopefully that makes sense). While you're on maternity leave, even where it's only statutory pay, you are still entitled to your benefits through your employer as you are still employed!

Thanks @Knotemma - thats interesting. Kind of makes sense. No I would only be using the leave from the 39 weeks. Surprise surprise my boss called (if anyone remembers this is the guy who tried to tell me that I might have to pay back some of my Christmas holiday from last year to go to antenatal appointment llllol!) and said that I would have to pay that holiday back, so I now need to look into this further. I guess I could message pregnant then screwed or maternity action?

Thanks!

@MOGMOGMOG85 your boss sounds like a delight.

Here's the link to the relevant bit of maternity action, click on resignation during mat leave to get to the bit that tells you he's feeding you a load of bull... Again!

maternityaction.org.uk/advice/discrimination-during-maternity-leave-and-on-return-to-work/

@MOGMOGMOG85 how annoying. It wasn't the same but no one at my work explained to me about mat leave and leave accrual. I came back and had 12 weeks holiday owed! It was nice as I took a week off every month pretty much which was lovely when DS was small but I could really have done with some of that holiday at the end of Mat leave when I really struggled financially!

Thanks @MOGMOGMOG85 it was a huge relief! Although I am still worried I am letting myself start to get excited. We might even start buying things in a month or so i think. As I said a few pages back ill feel awful if the worst happens whether I let myself be excited or not, so I should be trying to enjoy this experience! My fibroid is still in the way, so I will have two more scans after 30 weeks to see if it has moved. It can force baby to be transverse or breech too, which again means c section! She talked me through the others risks too (in terms of them growing/shrinking, and potential to haemorrage) which I hadn't really appreciated before, but I feel quite well looked after. My movements only started about a week and a half ago but have got stronger and more defined by the day, so I'm sure yours will be similar soon! Good luck with your scan tomorrow! Your boss clearly has no idea what he is talking about, I'd go armed with the info above and tell him to shove it! If you have enhanced mat pay they may be able to get you to pay that back under their mat leave policy, but not annual leave. He could get himself in all sorts of trouble given everything he is saying isn't legal!

Well done @AnxiousLady1 I'm going to do mine this week too - tough if they don't like it, why shouldn't you take what you're entitled to?! You def deserve the break!

@Knotemma wow that's so little time left, how exciting!! Do you have plans for in between then and when baby may arrive?

Glad all ok with your growth scan @Rachael321 I feel you in the moods, luckily my husband is very chilled and tolerant!!!

So sorry for your loss @KerryW87 but you will find lots of support on the ttc thread. Be really kind to yourself and don't try to rush back to normal. What you've been tbrough is hard physically and emotionally and you need to let yourself recover

@Whiffle77 I'm hoping to get some more stuff sorted in the house... Nesting has definitely struck, I went downstairs to make a cup of tea and ended up cleaning the oven... We also need to get our garden sorted in a big way, need a patio putting in, clear a ridiculous amount of weeds and lay some more turf, so hopefully will be doing that with my dad's help and DH when he's home. I'm not bothered about having it totally finished, but I'd love to be able to sit out there and enjoy our garden, it's huge and was a big part of why we bought the house, but I've just let it get totally away from me.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I'd be tempted to mention how disappointing it is that an organisation like a private school don't seem to understand their legal obligations to a pregnant member of staff. Honestly I hope he's just a bit of a fool and that's not how their whole management team approach things. I'd also be tempted to ask for a copy of everything in writing from now on e.g. finish every telephone call with " Thanks for the information, if you could just pop everything into an email for me to confirm that would be great" that way if they do try to screw you over you have a written record, from him!

Wow this thread moves quickly!

@Anon20something I’m sorry, it’s all so difficult and Lily should just be here hitting all those mile stones too. I hope your friend is being understanding. One of my school friends had her DS 2 weeks after my son died. It was only a few months ago so obviously I will have all those milestones to come and I know how hard it will be. I am definitely struggling with jealousy and unfortunately she’s not been very thoughtful or sensitive or handled it all well (essentially said maybe it was better he died as he might have died at some point later on in life and that would have been even worse??!) so I’ve essentially had to stop talking to her. She’s my oldest friend and our parents are also friendly so it’s quite awkward.

@Sazzy312 I felt movements from about 18/19 weeks with both my pregnancies, and I had anterior placenta too. Everyone is different though so don’t worry if you don’t feel movement til a bit later.

@MOGMOGMOG85 any movement on the pub front?! Hope so 🤞🏻 that sounds so difficult about all those friends having being pregnant at the same time as you. Good luck for tomorrow

So sorry for your loss @KerryW87 as others have said be as gentle and kind as possible to yourself right now you have been though so much physically and emotionally. I’m glad you’ve been signposted to the lovely penguin huddle ttc thread, im a recent ‘graduate’, it’s a lovely supportive group. We started ttc straight after the stillbirth, it just felt like such a strong biological need. Just do whatever feels right for you.

@Knotemma that sounds so lovely! And yay to nearly finishing work!

So sorry to those who’ve been mucked about over Mat leave/ annual leave etc. So frustrating.
Which has got me thinking, I’m still on mat leave for my son (though being on mat leave with no baby feels like such a fraud), I wonder if this pregnancy sticks if I’ll have to go back for a set amount of time to be entitled to another period of mat leave 🤔 should probably think about looking into that.

I’m fully into the first trimester exhaustion phase. I know grief will be adding to that too. I went to bed at 7.30pm last night, light off at 8pm! I’m absolutely shattered again, probably after counselling this morning too, and so decided to go for an afternoon nap while it’s a nursery day for DD, couldn’t have been worse timing, turns out our neighbour is having a tree cut down!! 😒😴

I’ve got the call with the consultant tomorrow who is a bit of a legend in the stillbirth world. I’m quite nervous about talking to him! Plus it will be the first point of officially talking about this pregnancy which obviously makes it all feel more real and scary.

Sorry I’ve probably missed a few people, I’m too tired and distracted by the chainsaw outside to concentrate!!

@marmitecheesetoast on the mat leave front I have 2 things to say.

First of all you are absolutely not a fraud, you deserve and are entitled to this time to come to terms with what you've been through.

Second thing is it really depends on your workplace. There's no set time limit for you to be back in work between mat leave, a friend of mine from work returned for 5 weeks between babies. However she had to commit to returning for a total of 52 weeks to get her enhanced package with the second one, where normally to get the enhanced package with our company it's 26 weeks. So it's definitely worth having a look at your company policy