Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5

[Avocuddles]

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Thank you ladies for your continued support and nice messages about Finn! He’s still down in SCBU in an incubator and CPAP ventilation for now but fingers crossed it won’t be long and I’m going to try and negotiate some cuddles later on!

Just a quick aside as I know you’ll all be super worried about the regulations in hospital etc, but I can honestly say they’ve been brilliant with both me and Finn’s dad. They’ve been really flexible, dad wasn’t rushed off at all after birth and and there are visiting hours here too! Dad just had to wear a mask most of the time x

Hi all. @Anon20something congratulations! Finn is a gorgeous name and was one of the ones we were thinking of although we've chosen another one now. Sorry you're having a stressful time with him and can't both be with him but he absolutely is in the right place. Brilliant that he is taking your milk too. Fingers crossed he can be home soon.

@AnxiousLady1 autumn is my favourite time of the year too. I'm not loving this Indian summer are having this week. Meant to be 28 degrees where we are today. I was looking forward to cosying up in jogging bottoms and jumpers!

I've had to phone my midwife this morning. I want to see if I can come in this week for monitoring and try to arrange weekly appointments from now. My anxiety has been sky high these past few days with worrying about movements. I'm feeling them and doing kick counting on the app and with my bracelet and it all seems fine but if he's quiet for even a little bit I am stressing out. Especially if he is quiet overnight and then in the morning too. I feel like fortnightly appointments are too long to wait to know if everything is ok. I'm not sleeping well because I'm convincing myself something has gone wrong overnight and then I end up dreaming about it as well. I'm exhausted. I think if I could have a scan one week and monitoring the next I'd be OK. Just waiting for a call back from my midwife now.

Hope everyone else is OK. Hopefully not too long now @Knotemma!

@shefliesonherownwings That must be so stressful for you. I really hope they accommodate you with the extra monitoring. I can somewhat relate to the quiet nights. While he moves away I sleep through it or it is more muffled depending what side I'm on. I had a full panic last week as I'd had second night in a row of bad dreams about the baby. As soon as I woke I was trying to track movements. Took about 30 mins before he started moving around and with each min that passed I was getting more and more panicked. Weirdly I've found in the last week or so my "pattern" has changed slightly (I'm 32 weeks), in that mornings used to be most active period but now he seems more active in the evenings. Mentioned it to MW and as he still moves consistently throughout the day she didn't think it was a concern whatsoever. I guess he's just settling into his routine now, or the movements are stronger so I'm feeling them more now at times where I might not have noticed previously.

@AnxiousLady1 I've had the exaxt same thing with the pattern changing from him being active in the mornings to now being active in the afternoon and evenings. The amount of googling I have done over the past few days about patterns! The midwife did say i could come in every day if I wanted to which sounds more appealing now but hopefully having something once a week will help and only 6 weeks to go for me.

@shefliesonherownwings Glad it's not just me then! I guess we can't expect them to have any real concept of the time of day 🙈 Maybe I should have a word with baby and explain his suddenly deciding to become more of an evening owl is not helping to settle his poor mothers nerves! Did you find anything in your research?

I know what you mean about where to draw a line with getting checked (ie how much will be helpful for you vs whether getting checked daily would make you more anxious). I'd that conversation with DH last week when I had my wobble. That I'd potentially another 8 to 10 weeks to go and where do I draw the line with it. My experience has obviously been different to yours though, so if you would feel more relaxed being checked every day then you should absolutely go for it. Xx

@Knotemma thank you so much for the sample. It actually is really helpful. When you read about things its hard to imagine how to express your wants so this is so good. I'll be writing one up very soon.

@TunnocksTCake @Knotemma I'm definitely with you interpreting every twinge and cramp. Each time I think 'could it be?' it seems to just turn out to be my digestive system, but I'm definitely feeling more the way of cramps and lower back so guess it could be any time really. Or another three weeks!
I've lost a few pounds in the past week (probably due to the gallbladder issues?) which is making me feel a little anxious. I know that moaning about lack of weight gain doesn't necessarily go down well on these forums (yes I know I should 'count myself lucky') but I do worry whether baby will be getting the nutrition she needs if I continue to lose weight in spite of eating....

Today is my day of maternity leave which is a weird feeling. Enjoying the sunshine but also not sure that having more time to 'think' is necessarily a good thing (hence the worrying about weight...), the distraction of work certainly made the days pass quicker! @Whiffle77 those 34 days will pass before you know it I'm sure.

@TunnocksTCake I've been following the news re hospital policies closely, there's no sign at all of things changing where I am but we're still crossing our fingers. It felt ridiculous when I was admitted last week that no visitors at all were allowed on the antenatal ward (not even for an hour), but they were perfectly happy for patients to go off and meet people in the Costa coffee shop downstairs or on the hospital grounds....

@MOGMOGMOG85 as so many others have said I definitely think you should look to maternity action as your treatment is extremely unfair / not lawful....

@AnxiousLady1 @Shefliesonherownwings when it comes to monitoring / scans you need to do whatever feels right for you and helps to keep your anxiety levels manageable.
I don't really feel baby overnight at all, but she usually gets going in the morning as soon as I've got a cup of tea in me. The most active period for baby avocuddles seems to be early evening when my whole stomach lurches from side to side, but she definitely doesn't stick rigidly to a time. It's so tough not really knowing what is 'normal' so I can understand how tough it must be for you given your previous experiences. Stay strong, the end of the rainbow is in sight 🌈

@Avocuddles on the weight gain thing, I've read that it's quite normal to lose a bit at this stage, so try not to worry too much.

Just been for a walk with my dad and I'm fairly confident I've had a few contractions, had to stop a few times. Not sure how to feel about that, as I obviously don't want to put DH on high alert when it could calm down and turn out to be nothing 🙈

@Knotemma Eeek. Maybe have a sit down and see about timing them to see how sporadic they are? Difficult to assess as once they do become more frequent things will have ramped up by that point. Maybe just let DH know and that you're okay but monitoring? Could it be Braxton Hicks? I ask only as Ive no idea how I'll tell the difference when it comes to it. It's so hard to know isn't it! I know I'll end up calling my DH if he's at work every time I have a twinge 🙈

@Anon20something oh he's beautiful!!! Keep all the baby pics coming 🥰🥰🥰

How are we all? 38 weeks today! I went for a scan today and his head is still not really engaged, so it will be a while still for me which I'm fine with... got things to do the last 2 weeks 😅 i feel increasingly more pressure down there though so I can't imagine what it will feel like when he drops! My bladder is the size of a peanut at the moment 🤦🏻‍♀️

Are you ladies feeling more tired the last few weeks? I've had to have a nap almost daily before or after lunch, just a short one though but still (half hour)! Even when I sleep well at night.

@Avocuddles I've also read that it's normal with a bit of weight loss towards the end, I don't have enough space now to eat big meals anymore so I eat less.. HOWEVER I do eat much more chocolate as I crave it so I haven't lost weight 🤣 I was also worried I hadn't put on enough but the Dr said it was absolutely fine.

@AnxiousLady1 this was definitely different from Braxton Hicks, it was quite uncomfortable. Since we've got home and I've sat down they've stopped completely. If I tell DH he'll drop everything and come home, which will cause all kinds of trouble for him at work 🤷‍♀️ They only have the work van, so all four of them would have to come home and they'd have to cancel tonight's job. I think I'm just having a bit of prodromal/early labour, trying to just stay relaxed about it all x

Well I've just been in for monitoring and everything looked great. I saw a different midwife and she was super lovely and just said I know all about your history and worries, come in and we'll check it all out. She just got it.

I'm going to speak to my consultant on Monday about more scans/monitoring going forward but I already feel better for having gone in today.

I'd rather not be going to the hospital every day, I wish I could relax and trust my instinct but I can't. I feel a lot of guilt that I didn't realise anything was wrong with Isla that I just don't trust myself to know what's OK and what's not. But at least I know I can go in whenever I want for reassurance.

@Anon20something Finn! Congratulations!!! So beautiful - you must be over the moon! Do keep us up to date with when he is released and the fluid on the lungs issue is sorted out. That must have been such a shock for you and no wonder you are so worried :( It sounds like they've got it under control though and I'm just crossing my fingers he is released into your arms sooner rather than later - it will be so wonderful when you all get to go home xxx

@Shefliesonherownwings no way am I going back to that job, oh my goodness!!! I'm sorry about your back - that was brave of you to go camping! I've had the urge to go camping recently but decided against for similar reasons you describe! I just feel so creaky and heavy right now! I do have an osteopath who I have used in the past and she's amazing. I've had some luck with acupuncture in the past, as well as TENS machine coupled with ultrasound (the TENS machine felt like the best massage in the world, I'm def hiring one for the birth!!!). Although this time I think the spasm was minor and has eased on it's own. I'm just going to take care from now on... hope you find something to ease your back pain too! On the note of reassurance, you should definitely go in for monitoring whenever you feel you need. I've been in 4 times now, and suspect it's going to ramp up as I get further along... they are always kind about it, and it is very important that you get good sleep and are reassured - the unit is there to check women and they don't mind having you show up! xxx

@Knotemma so exciting about the contractions! What a mind that your husband is away and you don't want to raise a false alarm! It sounds good (in that sense) that things have calmed down now and maybe he can get his job done! It seems a long way to Saturday - I wonder if you will have to call him at some point! I'm so excited for you, I'm sure he'll get there just at the right time! xx

Thanks @TunnocksTcake @Avocuddles and all those who have been supportive about my boring work troubles. I actually had a meeting with my boss' boss' boss today and he clarified a lot of things with me. 1) contrary to what my boss tells me he has confirmed I can totally escalate anything that I'm struggling with my line manager to him or HR etc. 2) He has said that I mustn't worry if I lose physical capability to do my job and that they are quite prepared to find some office duties for me - this made me feel so safe and calm, that thing my boss said about unpaid sick leave just terrified me in case my body starts letting me down in some way as I get further along! 3) He has said they are quite happy to get an external HR contractor in for me at any stage should I feel I need it. 4) He said it's really important that employees feel able to raise a grievance if they need to, and that they have a policy etc and that he would fully support me to raise a grievance if I wished. I don't actually want to, I just can't be bothered. I know I should really on principle because maternity discrimination is very serious and I'd hate it to be perpetuated in the future. But I just want a quiet life now. I feel so much better having these points clarified from the top so all that paranoia I've had about where information is coming from can all disappear and if my boss tries to say anything else I can say I've had it from the horses mouth that that is not right.

I have my 28 week scan tomorrow to check the fibroid which was near my birth canal. Looking forward to it and also feeling anxious, keep having annoying thoughts pop into my head "what if he is measuring small" "what if there isn't enough amniotic fluid" etc etc. I guess it will be good to get the scan done and be able to relax for a while after seeing him again. I really have no logical reason to doubt that he's a strong, healthy boy and that he will be with me in the next 3 months! But the thoughts are there anyway. I just can't imagine how bad those thoughts must be for those of you who have gone through much more substantial losses than I have.

Sending hugs to everyone and can't wait to see some more baby updates!!! @Knotemma my moneys' on you next ;)

@MOGMOGMOG85 thank you, mind f*CK is definitely accurate. His work haven't been particularly helpful or supportive and he's struggling more with the idea of me giving birth than I am. Contractions have totally gone again, think I'm going to be in and out of early labor for a while, though hopefully it's not too long or too tiring🤷‍♀️. I'm sitting here and goblin has massive hiccups, Ive only started to feel them quite recently, maybe because of the anterior placenta, but it's so strange! Going to have a nice bath and aim for an early night, think I might just take it easy tomorrow too!

I'm so glad you've had a positive conversation with your higher up boss, it sounds like they very much know that they're on shaky ground. I totally understand what you're saying about the idea of raising a grievance being exhausting though. Hopefully he stops being quite such a tit!

@MOGMOGMOG85 glad you've had your mind put to rest. Personally I still want to break the windows of the other boss' house and slash his tyres but I'm a woman on the edge.

MOAN ALERT:
I'm so tired from not sleeping, the other night I have as awake from 12.30 to 6am. I got up in the end and tidied round and put Spotify on so was very productive. Then we were camping so hardly any sleep then. Now we are home it's getting up for a wee, my bad back and being thirsty that's doing it!

The good news is I've had an over the phone consultation with the physio, just hours after I contacted them. I was following their instructions and doing different exercises and he confirmed that it's my ligaments getting lose from the pregnancy hormones.

He gave me some exercises to help me and even said I was allowed to go back to hula hooping which I loved but stopped as was worried it would damage the baby.

He also talked through the importance of pelvic floor exercises so I'm going to download the nhs recommend app to keep me on track.

My other moan is I lost my rag yesterday with my husband yesterday. I've had wood for a table propped up in the kitchen for months and all the tools to go with it. I said weeks ago this has to be done before my tutor pupils return (this Thursday) and guess what it still wasn't started even though he's booked annual leave. So I exploded yesterday like a woman possessed.

@footprintsintheslow good news on the physio, hopefully that will get you a bit more comfortable and you.can get some sleep! On the exploding at DH point... If you don't do it at least once during pregnancy are you even pregnant? Honestly though having all the stuff in the house sounds infuriating. Hopefully he gets the message and either builds the table or just moves it out of the way quickly!

Bit late updating my weeks...

@Anon20something Hope you get to take Finn home soon... must be such a worry, especially with not being with him all the time, look after yourself.

@MOGMOGMOG85 Totally get not having the energy to take a complaint further. If you do have the energy, if you haven't already, maybe just write to the top boss explaining that the only reason you're not is because you've got more important things to focus on, but you strongly recommend they do something about your line manager to prevent similar issues in the future. Then at least they will hopefully do something without involving you. And good luck with the scan today!

@shefliesonherownwings Glad they are offering extra monitoring. That must be a relief that it's there when you need it.

@avocuddles Happy mat leave!! Good week to be able to relax with the hot temperatures. My scales are still saying I've barely put on any weight this pregnancy (about a stone), and I am someone who puts on weight given any opportunity and have been eating loads of snacky things... No idea what's going on. As others have said, I think losing a bit is fine. The baby will take exactly what it needs, leaving you with the rest, so you can at least be assured she is absolutely fine even if you're losing weight.

@Footprintsintheslow That's great about the physio. And @knotemma is right, are you even pregnant if you haven't exploded at DH?!? hahaha, mine is actually great and gets all the jobs done (far better than I am) but he still annoys me on a daily basis, because I'm really pregnant and he isn't. So unfair.

@knotemma ooo, you sound close! Hope you can rest as much as possible in preparation.

I've got my birth plan appointment with the midwife tomorrow... I've suddenly become paranoid that the Dr was trying to hint at me to have a section due to my previous tear and this one measuring large and that I've missed the hints! She mentioned it at every appointment, but obviously the official NHS line is that if I healed well then there's no reason not to try for a vaginal birth if I want. But then I think maybe I'm just finding things to stress about. I think I just don't want to make a decision.

@Rachael321 Baby boy has arrived
@SammiLou2312 Baby girl has arrived
@Hoping2020 35wks Baby has arrived
@Knotemma 38wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 31wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 37wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 38 wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 37wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 32wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 36wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 31wks due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 36 weeks (csection booked 09/09/20) BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 35wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 36wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 33wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 32wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 31wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 28wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 28wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 28wks (due 05/12/20) BOY
@footprintsintheslow 23 wks (due 10/01/21)
@turquoisebaby* 19 weeks (due 24/01/21)BOY

Thank you everyone for your nice messages about Finn! We’re still here, he’s still in SCBU so not much to report. Can’t do anything or get an idea of how he is until they can safely remove the drain in his chest :( day 3 postpartum blues hitting hard, and all the anxiety around last time is just peaking. Feel like the support I’ve been getting on the ward is just next to none now, I didn’t see anyone last night at all and had to do 3 express milk runs myself :(

I know this now isn’t the group to be turning to as I’m so lucky to have him here, but it’s just hard.

@Anon20something please don't worry about posting here! It's an anxious time.
Ds1 was in NICU and then special care and I still remember exactly how hard it was.
Sending lots of love and hope they can give you good news soon.
Are they keeping you in too? After the first 24hr they discharged me which I have to say did me some good though it was hard leaving him. I expressed at home, stored it and dropped it all off in one go.
You're doing so well even if it doesn't feel like it right now xxx

@Treaclepie19 thank you! I feel a little lost at the minute and the feeling of not having my baby with me again is awful. They’ve kept me in which I’m pleased at and I’m right next to scbu.

@Anon20something please don't feel bad about posting to this group!! We've all been on a journey together and this final hurdle is part of that journey with Finn. xx

@Anon20something sorry to hear Finn is still in special care, while it's the best place for him to be it's got to be really difficult not being able to smush him constantly. I agree with the others, this is as much a part of your pregnancy after loss journey as anything else, we're all here for you, whether it's just as a sounding board or for a pep talk. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes xxx

@AnxiousLady1 @Knotemma I can’t thank you enough, really appreciate it (so nice it’s made me sob!) 💕

@Anon20something post away! This is my favourite place to moan.

I forgot my other moan was that my two year old who is usually lovely and well behaved and nice to be around has grown horns and has become vile. I thought she was ill so have given her calpol all weekend but she's still dreadful so I've had to admit she isn't ill...it's a phase.

But my good news is I had an online counselling session today. I had one face to face session and then lockdown happened and this was supposed to be it all starting again only for them to ring last night to say it had to be online due to the new rules. But it worked really well, obviously I cried for the majority of the session but I feel much better for it. And I even found I hated my husband less and have found my toddler less challenging so it was definitely worth the wait!