Pregnant After Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 4

[Avocuddles]

Thread 4 already! New members very welcome to our friendly and supportive team.

Latest roll call....


@Bellsx. 26wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 26wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)⁣
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)⁣
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 22wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣
@Knotemma 21 wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣
@LilMrsS 20wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 20wks 26/09/20)⁣
@TunnocksTcake 19wks (due 26/09/20)⁣
@avocuddles 20wks (due 27/09/20)⁣
@Sunflower1608 20wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣
@SunStruck 19wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 19wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 20wks (due 30/09/20)⁣
@HighHopes20 16wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 18wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣
@Aria2015 10wks⁣
@tmc14 17wks (due 11/10/20)⁣
@Hagster 17wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)⁣
@DressingGown87 13wks (due 20/10/20)⁣
@rachelrainbow 11wks (due 1/11/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 14wks (due 07/11/20)⁣
@Shefliesonherownwings 13wks (due 09/11/20)⁣
@MysteriousSheep 12wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 11wks (due 04/12/20)⁣
@MOGMOGMOG85 10wks (due 09/12/20)

[Hoping2020]

It is so lovely to see all of your updated weeks ladies - look at how far everyone has come! 🥰 Tackling those anxieties day by day and already proving that you’re all amazing Mums. So thrilled for everyone!

I’m 31 weeks now, still can’t believe it, and all is well apart from baby being transverse at the moment but hoping for a move in the next few weeks.

Now that more and more people know I’m pregnant, I keep getting asked a very ‘normal’ question but it hurts my heart a little every time and wondering if anyone else has experienced the same. Asked in all innocence of course; “is it your first?” 💔

I’m not close enough to any of them to say ‘no, we’ve had three losses’ as those that I’m close to already know our journey but it hurts my heart a little every time I say ‘yes it is’ because no, it’s not but I can’t tell them that. Anyone else experienced the same?

Updating weeks as well:

@Bellsx 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@Hoping2020 31wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 30wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Knotemma 29wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 28wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 29wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 28wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 29wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 28wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 27wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 26wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 28wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 27wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 27wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 26wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 23wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 22wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 18wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 19wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 19wks (due 05/12/20)
@footprintsintheslow 14 wks (due 10/01/21)

[SammiLou2312]

@Hoping2020 congrats on 31 weeks. I completely get what you mean about the questions...I had 5 losses before this pregnancy and have taken to responding to the "is this your first?" with "my first successful, hopefully". Find it strange that even at 30+ weeks I struggle to not say the hopefully bit at the end but I guess that just anxiety for you...folk seem to just accept that mostly and don't ask anything more unless I raise it further.
Are you doing anything to try and turn baby? Mine is currently fully breach with her butt on my cervix so have been trying to get her to move as really don't want to have to let them try turn her in a few weeks time x

[Hoping2020]

@SammiLou2312 - I totally get the ‘hopefully’ bit. I’m a lot less anxious than I was during the first half of this pregnancy but I won’t fully believe everything is ok until I’ve got baby in my arms, still worried something will go wrong. I think it’s hard not to when you’ve been through what we have. Five losses is so incredibly hard, I admire your strength!

I haven’t done anything yet as I’m worried they’ll flip back again but I read about an exercise where you go onto your knees on your couch/bed with your hands on the ground so your bum is higher than your stomach and do deep breaths there for 30-45 seconds then repeat 7 times with 15 minute breaks in-between. I’m not going to try until I’m 32 weeks though. I’ve got a scan then so will try a few days before then see if it has worked at the scan 🤞🏼

[SammiLou2312]

@Hoping2020 fingers crossed for you. Any number of losses is hard, but she will make it all worthwhile 🥰 I don't have another scan until I'm 36 weeks and they may be looking to induce me from 37 so trying to get her to turn quicker lol x

[Avocuddles]

@Hoping2020 I know what you mean re the 'is it your first' question. Depending on who asks I do often mention the two we lost as I don't want to not acknowledge them, i think it helps to justify my perhaps above 'normal' level of anxiety / nervousness around the pregnancy too. @SammiLou2312 I'm exactly the same re 'hopefully'. I think throughout its been a natural defence mechanism to never assume that things will work out, I know logically that the odds are in your favour but know from the heartbreaking experiences of so many of us here that there is never a guarantee.

Our little one is firmly head down at the moment but still lots of time for her to wiggle around, hopefully she'll stay in that position but good to hear about the exercises just in case.....

[Hoping2020]

@SammiLou2312 - a lot of websites I’ve read have said they don’t consider their position officially until 35/36 weeks as most baby’s will turn and only 3-4% of pregnancies end up being breech so that’s reassuring. Hopefully your little darling will turn by the time you have your next scan!

[Hoping2020]

@Avocuddles - that’s great that baby is head down, fingers crossed they stay in the ‘ready’ position. Have you got any preferences for your birth plan? Don’t feel you have to share if you don’t want to.

I’ve kept our losses very quiet until now, partly to do with my job, but feel like once this one is here safely (hopefully - there it is again), I’ll feel more able to be open and tell people then x

[Shefliesonherownwings]

@Hoping2020 I had this experience for the first time last week and I really struggled with what to say. I went to a new optician and was asked the 'is this your first question?'. It really caught me off guard so I just said no hoping that would be the end of it but she then said 'so you already one?' I just said 'I had a daughter but she passed away'. She said she was sorry but I just got all upset and it was kind of awkward after that.

I've been thinking what I'd say in the future but I just don't think I can pretend this is my first, it feels like I'm betraying Isla and kind of denying her existence which is too painful. On the other hand saying no this isn't my first, inevitably leads to more questions and then me sharing something very personal with a stranger and getting upset. Such a minefield and yet another thing we all have to navigate.

[Knotemma]

I tend to respond to the "is this your first?" Question with "hopefully, we've had a very difficult road to get here." That tends to shut down additional questions while acknowledging our losses. Everyone who needs to know already does, so I feel comfortable with that, and it's still nice and polite

[footprintsintheslow]

I've decided to be very direct with these kind of questions and this sounds awful but I do it almost with the intention to make the person feel uncomfortable. But people ask such personal questions with the assumption everyone is happily going about life as normal. I think well if you are happy to ask such questions be prepared for the whole range of answers you are going to get.

I also want to break the taboo on it. Having said that some days I can't be bothered and just give a vague answer. Depends if I'm having an angry bitter day or not.

It's all so personal and I know my approach isn't for everyone. I also know that as the grief journey continues I might change too.

[Shefliesonherownwings]

@footprintsintheslow I think my approach will be similar to you, I'd rather be honest and make things uncomfortable for the other person than go against my heart and pretend I haven't lost my child. I agree that people ask these questions without thinking, expecting a nice happy answer but life isn't like that.

I also very strongly feel that there needs to be more awareness and understanding of baby loss and these barriers need to be broken down. None of us should feel we can't talk about it if we want to and it absolutely should not be taboo.

[footprintsintheslow]

Have you had people ask you @Shefliesonherownwings?

Back in Feb we had to cancel going for a walk with a group of friends. One of the couples asked me and my husband why we had ducked out and my husband started saying something about me not being well. I interrupted and said "he's being sweet but what he means is I've had another miscarriage". I could tell my husband wanted the ground to open up and swallow him bless him. The couple reacted better than him!

[Treaclepie19]

I'm with you on the being honest. It's knackering though because if I don't tell them, with the hospital it goes
Is this your first baby?
No, I have a 4 year old
Okay so baby 2?
No, I had a baby with a genetic problem and we had a TFMR
Right, so 3 pregnancies?
No, I had a miscarriage first.

Or if I tell them straight off they just get overwhelmed with the amount of info coming at them 🙈

[Shefliesonherownwings]

@footprintsintheslow last week at the opticians was the first time and I wasn't expecting it at all so I just said 'no' without thinking but then it led to more questions.

I think that as hard as it is for me to say my daughter died, it's more painful to me not to acknowledge her. My worst fear is that she is forgotten so I just can't bring myself to be anything but honest even if means I get upset. I've always been a people pleaser but I'm starting not to give a toss if other people uncomfortable either.

[Sunflower1608]

I work with two ladies who had babies born sleeping. They are now at a stage where they speak openly about their lost baby. They're counted in their numbers and are an active part of their family despite not being here anymore. When I spoke to them about it, they said time and different stages of grief effects how easy it is to be open. Obviously they haven't got over their loss, but it's shaped their life and become a part of them. It inspired me to be more open about my miscarriage

[Anon20something]

@Hoping2020 @shefliesonherownwings I understand that ❤️ I’ve been asked so many times by people in shops, even at the hospital and I always feel like my heart sinks. But I never ever want her to be forgotten about and I’m so so proud of her so I’ll always say my second, and that he has a big sister in heaven who was born last year. Most people are a little taken a back, but do tend to ask to see her and listen to me talk about her which is nice. It actually makes me feel quite nice to get to tell people about her now.

Had bloods done today and another listen in with my midwife, now seeing her weekly as I’ve been having wayyy more panic attacks and anxiety in the build up to next week which will be 1 year from Lily’s diagnosing when I was 32 weeks. Feeling a little lighter with having more appointments and only having 9 weeks to go! He’s head down and has been for a few weeks now, and Brixton hicks has deffo begun!

[MOGMOGMOG85]

It's really interesting to read everyone's responses to oblivious questions from random people. It seems like there is a different answer for everyone but that most of us are more comfortable with saying something than nothing, at least most of the time or if we are in the right mood to do so? I can see how much harder it must be for those of you who experienced stillbirth or similar (sorry I don't know the correct time for if you lose your baby shortly after birth :( ) and that its perhaps even more important not to gloss over it and to acknowledge your babies. Perhaps the same rule applies though that you don't have to feel you're betraying their memories if you occasionally don't answer truthfully if you don't feel like it. @footprintsintheslow you think in a very similar way to me! I have no issue making others uncomfortable. When you think about it, they don't have deep feelings about you and your situation - it may make them feel sad or uncomfortable but it really will be fleeting compared to us who have to carry that burden of grief. Whats more important, someone feeling a bit awkward and also learning something, or us feeling sick, guilty, alone etc because we have felt like we "shouldn't" just say what is the truth. I've become quite practiced at throwing stuff at people if they ask insensitive questions through my experience of childhood sexual abuse, which I kept to myself for years and felt it would be the end of the world to speak about. Gradually and with counselling I realised how absolutely vital it was to my mental health to not feel that burden of shame or responsibility any more, so if someone says something that is insensitive to the topic, or asks a question assuming that I have a loving relationship with the paternal figures in my family I will just straight out say it. I have to say it feels great, such a relief to no longer carry that burden, and it also feels like it's a step in the right direction to acknowledge that these things happen, actually an awful lot, it's just for some reason we don't talk about it in our society! So yeah, I feel strongly its in the best interests of the person bearing the burden of the trauma and the secret to not feel guilty at all about saying the truth in a simple and unconfrontational way. I do recognise that it takes time and its not appropriate for everyone at every stage though. My hats off to all of you ladies who are navigating this with such grace and strength, and you are absolutely doing all of your babies justice xxx

[MOGMOGMOG85]

Should have said "I don't know the correct term", not the correct "time" sorry! xx

[MOGMOGMOG85]

On another note, I've been living in a single sleep bra for weeks because I don't fit my other ones and have finally acknowledged I need some new bras quick sharp! I don't really want to waste money on something I'll only wear short term so will look for a nursing bra and try to guess what size will be appropriate... I understand the breasts will only get bigger after birth. I don't want to go be measured so I'm just going to have to guess. I was going to guess that my ribcage will have gone up as well as my breasts so was just going to up the sizes by one each? Does anyone have any suggestions or think thats not a sensible way of doing things?

Tips on where to get cheap underwear would be appreciated too - I bought 3 pairs of pants the other day from Seraphine for £30 and winced at that! I'll also need more than 3 eventually - atm I still have a few pants that fit... xx

[footprintsintheslow]

@Shefliesonherownwings yes that resonates with me. From people pleaser to I don't give a shit anymore! All in a matter of weeks.

This is by far my favourite thread on here. Full of brave warrior women quietly going about their normal lives in disguise as normal people.

[Anon20something]

@MOGMOGMOG85 I go stretchy bands on bras, otherwise I can’t breathe haha! I’ve bought some wrap over nursing bras from H and M and have been wearing them to bed at the min! Super comfy and will be great for feeding as no fiddly clips can just slide them across! Think they were 2 for £15 or thereabouts! TMI but mine were horrific after lily and I couldn’t bear anything on them when my milk came in, so anything with lace or stitching I’d avoid! Would deffo recommend the h and m ones xx

[Knotemma]

@MOGMOGMOG85 I've just had to buy new "normal" bras because I've gone up 2 cup sizes and 4" in the band 🙈. I followed the measuring guide on the m&s website and it was spot on, even though I bought from Sainsbury's... The way mine are going I'm probably going to have to do it again soon, or buy some bra extenders at least 😂. I managed to get some cheap "yoga bras" on Amazon early on that have been a god send, but now I'm up to a double d I need some support 😂

[Whiffle77]

My friend had a late loss and struggled with the "is this your first" question too when she was pregnant again. Now, after some time has passed she is far more open - she wants to talk about her first child, and it keeps them as part of her family. I've managed to avoid too many questions because of lockdown, but have said similar about having a rocky road to get here etc. It has made me think about my own questions to people though, as it is a harmless question, but you have no idea what the other person has been through. I think that is the same for everything though. I try to think the best in people (most of the time...) and think they are just thinking of something to say/being interested.
I bought new bras a few weeks in and have to buy more again now, I can't believe it. Mine are so expensive too - the last ones I bought I was a GG and now think I need H, so I can't get cheap ones! I'm holding out on nursing until later i think, god knows what blummin size I will be by then!
Yes @footprintsintheslow thats a lovely way of putting it - warrior women

[Whiffle77]

thanks @Anon20something for the pregnancy pillow recommendation too, it came on Friday and has made such a difference! So much better than the first one I bought

[Avocuddles]

@MOGMOGMOG85 re sleep bras I swear by the comfort bras / nursing comfort bras from asda / George.com, cheap and comfortable. I'm a 36HH (eeek) and can just about squeeze into the XL size! The non maternity versions are available in stores, the nursing ones on the website only. For 'real' bras my options are quite limited but Freya and hot milk tick the boxes although are on the expensive side - I've now outgrown the maximum m and s size! 😭
Can also recommend the two packs of nursing t shirts and vests from the Asda website, had some delivered the other day and was pleasantly surprised by the quality and again at a really good price. Have been eyeing up a few seraphine treats but the Asda stuff is great for everyday basics / stuff for your hospital bag.....
I've also found that the five pack of 'midi' cotton pants from asda has been way more comfortable than the expensive maternity underwear I invested in - it sits perfectly under the bump and is so comfy I bought a second pack which is again on the hospital bag pile!