Pregnant After Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 4

[Avocuddles]

Thread 4 already! New members very welcome to our friendly and supportive team.

Latest roll call....

@Bellsx. 26wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 26wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)⁣
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)⁣
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 22wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣
@Knotemma 21 wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣
@LilMrsS 20wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 20wks 26/09/20)⁣
@TunnocksTcake 19wks (due 26/09/20)⁣
@avocuddles 20wks (due 27/09/20)⁣
@Sunflower1608 20wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣
@SunStruck 19wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 19wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 20wks (due 30/09/20)⁣
@HighHopes20 16wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 18wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣
@Aria2015 10wks⁣
@tmc14 17wks (due 11/10/20)⁣
@Hagster 17wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)⁣
@DressingGown87 13wks (due 20/10/20)⁣
@rachelrainbow 11wks (due 1/11/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 14wks (due 07/11/20)⁣
@Shefliesonherownwings 13wks (due 09/11/20)⁣
@MysteriousSheep 12wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 11wks (due 04/12/20)⁣
@MOGMOGMOG85 10wks (due 09/12/20)

@JuniperAndRose gentle congratulations and sticky bean vibes your way! As @knotemma says, we all have our moments of panic (hell I hit 30 weeks today and I still get them lol!) Please feel free to ask anything, we are all one big family here and enjoy the great moments but are there to support the tough ones too if needed. Just remember...today you are pregnant!!

Thank you all so much for your kind messages and thoughts. We are still reeling from the information we now have and I am veering between being very angry and so upset for our little girl. She was just an innocent baby but has paid the price for the medical incompetence. The only tiny light we can see is to make sure that changes are made so that we can at least try to minimse the risk of anyone else going through this. Hopefully we can effect some change in Isla's name.

Just got my letter through about my c section with pre op info. Still seems way too far in the future but it does make it a bit more real. I'm just trying to focus on Isla's brother, who is a real wriggler now (probably not helped by the amount of sugar and rubbish I am eating!), and get through the next 16 weeks.

@JuniperAndRose welcome to this thread, it is a wonderfully supportive and safe space and a real source of comfort and great advice. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of both your beautiful daughters. I also suffered a stillbirth last year. Very gentle congratulations on this pregnancy, wishing you all the best with your rainbow.

Eeeeeek 30 weeks today! Legit cannot believe that I've gotten this far! It's the final countdown!! She could be here in 10 weeks (or sooner if they bring my induction date forwards cos of her size) 😱🥰
@Bellsx 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@Hoping2020 28wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 30wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Knotemma 29wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 28wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 28wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 28wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 28wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 28wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 27wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 26wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 28wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 27wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 26wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 26wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 22wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 22wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 18wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 18wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 18wks (due 05/12/20)
@footprintsintheslow 12 wks (due 10/01/21)

@JuniperAndRose gentle congratulations to you! This little group of women have made this pregnancy so much easier on my heart and are so supportive, even when I just need a brain dump about everything! Glad you had good news at your scan x

Another week for me too! Anxiety is slowly ramping up now as I head towards the 20 week scan but trying to be positive. Letting myself feel a bit excited occasionally, DH definitely is more involved now I'm getting bigger, its lovely to see. Told my team at work as well as my boss, so it does feel more real.
Welcome @JuniperAndRose I'm very sorry for your previous losses, you have really been through the mill. Gentle congrats - I can't say any more than all the other girls have, but this is a very welcoming and comforting group!
@Bellsx 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 33wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@Hoping2020 28wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@SammiLou2312 30wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Knotemma 29wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 28wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 28wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 28wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 28wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 28wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 27wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 26wks (due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 28wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 27wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 26wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 26wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 22wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 22wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 18wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 19wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 18wks (due 05/12/20)
@footprintsintheslow 12 wks (due 10/01/21)

@JuniperAndRose Welcome to the group and gentle congratulations on your pregnancy and positive 12 week scan. So very sorry to hear about your previous losses. As others have said, this group has been a massive source of support in getting me through all my wobbles so far, and I'm sure I've plenty more to come over the next 17 weeks xx

@Whiffle77 When is your 20 week scan?? I totally get the nerves. I was so bad on the day of my scan my heart rate was super fast. I was worried it wouldn't be good for the baby either!!

@Whiffle77 hope your scan goes well! I’ve got my growth scan tomorrow and I am so scared! Never gets easier does it?!

@Littlegoth hope everything goes ok at your scan today xx

Thanks @AnxiousLady1 and @Anon20something it's the week after next so still a little time to wait! No it doesn't seem to get easier, I think the same about my heart rate anxiouslady1 which then makes me even more anxious!! And round the vicious circle goes!! I keep trying to think that it will be really lovely to see them again, and focus on that instead of nerves.
Good luck tomorrow anon!
I know Scotland are letting partners in scans from Monday again which is good, maybe England will follow suit soon. I fully support the reasons but it is hard after a loss to sit in that waiting room on your own.

@JuniperAndRose I remember you from the previous group, so good to see you here and to hear about your positive scan after a terrifying experience. As the others have said this is such a welcoming and supportive group who will always be here for you through the ups and downs. I don't think the anxiety ever fades but it definitely comes and goes, even though I'm now 28 weeks and she's kicking away I don't think I'll truly believe that we will have a baby until we bring her home safe and well.

@SammiLou2312 you're definitely on the final stretch now! I can't wait to start seeing some rainbow baby pics on this group in the coming months 

@Anon20something @Whiffle77 good luck for the scans you have coming up. @Anon20something you're right the scanxiety never disappears! My growth scan was fine, I have a private scan lined up next week because wanted DH to have the chance to see the baby (I feel like he's been missing out....) and I'm still feeling nervous about that even though it's only been a matter of days since the previous one.....

@Anon20something Good luck with your scan tomorrow. Xx

@Whiffle77 I found I had to take a lot of deep breaths the morning of my scan. I think the heart rate eased a little once I actually set off from the house. Still held my breath when sonographer started. He launched into "and there's babies spine", and I was like "hang on, so they're still okay in there???" After a while he actually told me to just relax and enjoy the scan. I held my breath every time he focused on something trying to get a decent picture. Whereas I took his silence/difficulty in getting the pic to mean there was an issue!!

@Avocuddles I've a private scan lined up in two weeks time for the same reason. My next scan is at 36 weeks and DH hasn't been able to see the baby yet. I really think it's important he does. Men will say "it's fine" but I don't think they necessarily understand how major it is seeing your baby on screen. Especially when they aren't growing inside them so they don't feel any of the physical changes.

To anyone who gets the scan anxiety...let's face it that's probably most of us lol...I have found that telling the sonographer as I go in to the scan room that I struggle with scans due to the previous missed miscarriage, they tend to make it easier...did it yesterday for my growth scan and she instantly looked for the heart to show me it beating and put sound on so I could hear before doing the rest of the scan...helped me to relax a little for the rest of it 😊

Thank you ladies! I have a sticker on my notes @SammiLou2312 that I got from either Tommy’s or kicks count I can’t remember which! Each time the sonographer has acknowledged it which is nice and I think it helps. They’re only about £1 to order x

I’ve got a 4d scan booked at the end of the month which is exciting, I feel more relaxed at those private ones as I don’t have the hospital anxiety and flashbacks. Would deffo recommend them to anyone! Wanted Oh to see him and we had a lovely one with Lily last time, I’ve popped the picture on of Lily’s scan, it’s one of my favourite pics of all time as it was the only time I got to see her smile, means so much to me now xxxx

@Anon20something such a beautiful picture... We were hoping to get a 4d scan booked but think I'm to far along for it now... The ones around here suggest up to 28 weeks x

@Anon20something that's a beautiful scan of Lily and such a lovely thing to have and keep.

I've mentioned to DH about having a private scan but he's not fussed, he did get to see the goblin 3 times early on though, before lockdown happened so I think he's content with that.

I agree that making sure that the sonographer knows definitely helps with the scanxiety. I also found putting a drop of essential oil on my mask really helped me to breath deep and stay a bit calmer. I'm using teatree at the moment when I have to wear one, but I think I'm going to get some lavender so if they're still required come due date I'll have something nice and calming

What a lovely picture @Anon20something, she really does look like she is smiling!

I managed to tell the sonographer at the 8 week scan which helped, but was too anxious to say anything at 12 and 16 - its a good point to try and remember for the future though! They must see people who have been through losses multiple times a day so will be used to it.
Also a really nice thought with the essential oil too, will give that a go. Plus means you don't smell the hospital as much!!

@JuniperAndRose I'm so thrilled to see you here after your horrific experiences. Your due date must be similar to mine. I'm 13+5 and due the 10th Jan.
I lost a daughter at 20 weeks in October last year and then a miscarriage at 7 weeks in Feb. The penguin huddle was invaluable but glad we are here now.

@Anon20something what a precious picture that is. X

@SammiLou2312 thanks! All was good. Estimated weight 2lb 12. No pictures sadly as they had no film, but I did see a perfect little face and he is definitely definitely a boy😄 Positive chat with the consultant who is referring me to a Neuro consultant to discuss previous spinal fluid leak, and also anaesthetist. I did feel like I was being listened to, so will see what comes out of the next 4 weeks x

@Shefliesonherownwings How absolutely awful, I think anger is entirely appropriate. I hope you have the time & space to feel all things you need to xx

@JuniperAndRose I remember your name from the huddle (juniper is on my name shortlist!) I’m so sorry for your losses. Gentle congratulations on this pregnancy xx

@Anon20something such a gorgeous photo, she looks so beautiful xx

@Anon20something That is a beautiful picture of Lily!!

Agree on letting the sonographer know. I did at my 12 week as she read my face straight away and said I looked petrified. And it made a massive difference telling her. She told me to close my eyes for a minute while she located baby and heartbeat and then said "okay there's baby and there's heartbeat. Open your eyes and look at your baby". I actually kept thanking her I was so relieved. She also gave me a good talking to at the end. Basically said this was a new pregnancy, I'd made it passed the early stage, and my body was totally ready for it. She was great.

Thank you ladies 🥰 hope I’ll have a good scan tomorrow and all is well so I can update you all, keeps me going having all your support. X

@Anon20something beautiful picture 💖

@Littlegoth glad you had a positive scan and are being looked after by your consultant. congratulations on your little boy! xx

@Whiffle77 My scan is just under 2 weeks away and I have been trying to ignore the anxiety building but I've woken up this morning and had a big cry because I still haven't felt any movement. It doesn't help that the mother in law is visiting and (along with everyone else) was talking to me as though movement is inevitable at this stage. Not her fault, it's just what happened for her, but I think its been playing on my mind. I'm very upset that there is still no change to the rule for partners being allowed in - if its happening in Scotland that's crazy cos they're way more cautious than us about coronavirus!!! Then I guess they also have the virus way more under control so maybe it makes sense in that context. I live next door to a pub and just feel if people are allowed to get pissed and forget social distancing why can't my partner be there to hold my hand in case the worst thing happens? I do understand hospitals are on the front line and we do need to look after our nhs staff... Anyway just thought I'd say I am feeling awful about it too, even though my belly keeps growing so there is definitely something in there, even if my stupid brain keeps saying "maybe its just a massive placenta, or maybe its a fibroid". I see the midwife next Tuesday but not sure what reassurance she can give... I haven't seen her for 10 weeks already, seems so long! Ugh, feeling sorry for myself today. I keep wondering how would people react if something was wrong, I feel vulnerable because now everyone close to me knows I am pregnant. I know last time I felt like people just wanted me to shut up and be positive about it, and also got the distinct impression they thought if only I hadn't got excited, or "carried away" (as I have kept hearing in this pregnancy) then I wouldn't have felt anything. The whole experience just made me feel so angry and alone, but on the positive side mums net was my saviour and speaking to other women who actually knew what I felt like.

Being so negative today, just need to get it out as 2 more weeks to wait is a long time xxx

@MOGMOGMOG85 I totally understand how you feel and I bet every woman who comes on and reads this later will understand too.
I WAS totally supportive of the rules of no partners but honestly when I see packed pubs and beaches it makes me so mad. Since covid I've had to be alone in the same scan room as where we've previously had the bad news. I've been on the same ward as where I had to give birth to our lost daughter. I think it's made me stronger (but only because everything was ok on this occasion).

As for the worrying about telling friends and their reactions, I get that too. They want to help but don't know how. I've really closed down from some of my friends since experiencing loss. Some have been great and some I feel quite bitter about now.

Thank god for this thread! It has kept me sane especially finding people like you at the same stage and with similar histories. Shall
We all live on a commune where we all understand each other?! 😉

You are allowed negative days it's normal for all of us. X

@MOGMOGMOG85 sorry that you're having such a crappy day. 18 weeks is still mega early to feel movements, I guess your MIL is just asking because it's one of those "Normal" but often hurtful TTC and pregnancy questions. I know what you mean about just shutting some people down and out of you life. I literally just muted a friend on everything and only checked in when I wanted to because her attitude was awful and made me feel shitty.

I also get what you and @footprintsintheslow mean on the hospital rules front. I mean, people can go out and get drunk and not social distance, but I still can't hug my mum? I understand the need to protect the NHS and to keep our numbers low. I'm hopeful that it will be one of the next announcements, especially because most hospitals are allowing one visitor for in patients now. I really hope that they look at it soon, not only for mums like us who really need a hand to hold when were there, but also for all those dad's who don't get to have the bonding experience with their babies.

You're absolutely allowed a negative, hide under the covers duvet day now and again. I prescribe some crappy TV, lots of comfort food and a hot chocolate xx