Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 2

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up a new thread to keep the 🌈 conversation going....

Hi all can I join?

I'm 17+4 today with my rainbow. I have been feeling super anxious this week. I know I shouldn't as last Thursday I saw the midwife and she checked the heartbeat with doppler and it sounded healthy. I haven't had any symptoms for the last week (which I know is common for the second trimester anyway) but I worry that something is wrong.

I had a mmc last April, which I actually found out about a year ago today so I think perhaps that memory I on my mind. I have considered having a scan but I have a weird thing in my head about going for a scan this week.

@lionsmum gentle congratulations and welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss, we've all had difficult and different experiences here's, but we all do our best to look after and support each other, this group has definitely played a big part in keeping me sane, especially through the early weeks.

@Chanel05 welcome and congratulations. Memorials are always a difficult time and we a cope with them differently. I hope you're doing ok, be kind to yourself and make sure you get some well deserved me time.

@1stbabs welcome and congratulations. My care has been different because of covid, I've had calls rather than face to face for midwife and consultant appointments where they weren't going to take bloods/do scans etc. Honestly every trust is different, depending on how many cases there are in you area. The only thing I can suggest is giving them a call. If they don't consider the scan to be "medically necessary" they might not go ahead with it. Fingers crossed for you that it does, I know an early scan can be really reassuring.

For some reason I decided to sort out our bedroom today, so have spent all of this glorious day cleaning and sorting. I've got another bag of clothes to donate and 2 to vacuum pack for post baby. I at least feel like I've achieved something though which is a nice change 😂 hope you're all enjoying the Easter break and taking good care of yourselves x

@Knotemma starting sooner wasn't really an option for us, this is my second marriage after a disaster in my 20s and I didn't meet DH until just before I turned 31, and started trying after our wedding at 34. I'll be 37 this year but that doesn't really bother me, I have lots of friends having babies at the moment, yes most of them might be second children but there are still lots of mums around who are my age or older. I guess biologically things could have been easier at a younger age, but we'll never know......hopefully now is the exact right time for all of us......

@MOGMOGMOG85 I just found that eating anything helped - nausea came for me a bit later on than you but it was inevitably triggered by an empty stomach. Cereal, biscuits (ginger nuts, rich teas, chocolate digestives 😋) or crisps - most unhealthy things usually did the trick!
Your previous living situation sounds incredibly stressful, am glad you now have a nice home and it sounds well worth the wait!

@TunnocksTcake I haven't felt particularly hungry in night but I do keep waking multiple times a night needing the toilet, my bladder is atrocious at the moment. I'm sure I read that it improves in the second trimester but seems to have been the opposite for me....

@Shefliesonherownwings so glad you had a positive scan experience and that all is looking good for your little Scorpio (due very close to my own birthday!).

@lionsmum so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Welcome to the group and I hope you find it a really supportive place. It's a really tough journey after loss but we're all here for you.

@1stbabs the 12 and 20 week scans are still as normal in my area but any other 'discretional' scans such as reassurance scans have been cancelled, and midwife appointments in the first and second trimesters have moved to telephone calls. It's frustrating and I was really looking forward to my own 16 wk appointment and getting to hear the baby's heartbeat but all I can do for now is just hope that everything is ok. I guess it will depend on your own local area whether they'll still see you at 8 weeks, I hope either way that they are supportive to you.

@Chanel05 hi! It's great that you got to hear the heartbeat and a really positive sign. I'm not really having much in the way of symptoms anymore (just coming up 16 weeks) other than nosebleeds and the odd twinge. I just keep trying to tell myself that it's all normal and the baby is safe and cosy in there. I can't wait until I can feel movements though.....

Arg I'm feeling crap right now. I don't feel pregnant. I know I'm not even 5 weeks so what do I expect. I don't feel like I've been having mood swings today - except if feeling confident about the future and then terrified of it counts! My CM seems to have disappeared. My breasts were aching earlier but now absolutely fine. I had a bit of nausea this morning and indigestion but now doubting it all. I've been a bit tired I guess but hardly ground breaking - I didn't need a nap today.... in your experience is it normal to have symptoms come and go really quickly? Like achey boobs for an hour then fine? And nausea for 40 mins then fine? I know the answer is probably yes, think that's why I'm asking. I hate the emotional rollercoaster of all this - managing to persuade yourself that you feel ok and you've got this and then suddenly being a nervous wreck and obsessing over silly little details.. my oh got really frisky about an hour ago and I really wanted to as well but then I was overthinking it and got really anxious about it being too rough. In the end I was so sensitive about any movement I just called the whole thing off and then felt guilty - suspect that's why I've gone downhill in mood :( I know there's no problem with having sex, my cervix is perfectly healthy and strong (I mean it held onto a dead embryo for 5 weeks!), but I'm too anxious for it at the moment. Hopefully I'll relax as time goes by... sorry for the rant, I think I want to hear others experiences of symptoms fleeting by! Everything changes so quickly its hard to remember what happens day to day and reassure yourself that it's all perfectly normal

@MOGMOGMOG85 My symptoms have always fluctuated throughout the day. Including boob tenderness. Most of the time I wake and they are completely fine and then off and on through the day go from achey to completely fine again. Generally mine tend to be worst in evenings, but I wouldn't count on that as a certainty. At 5 weeks I definitely had very little symptoms and those that I did fluctuated. I didn't really start feeling nausea until maybe week 7, and I'm 10 weeks now and that is easing again. On the intimacy side if things - I think many of us on here have had ups and downs there, so understand your worry. There is obviously no reason to be worried about it effecting the pregnancy itself. In my case I struggled more as I generally felt rubbish (either with nausea in morning or bloating/tiredness in evening). Don't feel guilty. I'm sure your OH understands, and there's other ways to be intimate in the meantime if you need to put the physical temporarily on hold. Xx

Thank you @AnxiousLady1 I think thats what I needed to hear. It makes total sense, and I'm the first one to reassure other about not obsessing over symptoms! I guess we all have our weak times, I think I am actually pretty tired. Thanks for your kind words - my oh does understand and it's fine, I'm just annoyed with myself that I can't just relax and enjoy the pregnancy generally.

Hope everyone has a lovely Easter sunday tomorrow - weirdly I've gone off chocolate which is... actually a welcome surprise (never happened in my life before!) but a shame it's easter! xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 @AnxiousLady1 I always feel more nauseas in the morning and boobs are sore in the evenings, it's so hard to not read into it all, I'm knackered but sick of napping, also if you're not napping that's probably a sign you slept better the night before, I'm not sleeping as well in the nights so explains the naps xx

Thanks @AliSxo - you're right I've been sleeping loads so hopefully thats' it xx

I'm 5 weeks today and eager to update the weeks, even if I am feeling anxious that things might not be right - I am here now and that's what matters:

@Bellsx 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 16wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 17wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 16wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 14wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 15wks (due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 15wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 15wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 14wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 15wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 13wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 13wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 14wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 13wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 10wks (23/10/20)
@Doughnut100 10wks (due 05/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 10 wks (due 07/11/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85 5 wks (due 13/12/20)

Hi lovely ladies. I’m a fairly silent visitor on this thread but have been following for a while now ❤️. Congrats to everyone whose pregnancies are progressing- it’s lovely that so many gorgeous little rainbows are growing!

I’m here for a little bit of reassurance. I feel like i’m going crazy. I turned 11 weeks today. Last Friday, due to a bleed, I had a scan and saw a little 3cm baby wriggling around. The nurse said it was measuring perfectly for 9+5. My last baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (although we found out at the 12 week scan) - we’ve now passed that checkpoint but it’s offered no relief. I’m now convinced baby has died and the moment of scan joy passed so quickly. I’m paralysed with fear that my 12 week scan next week will show a dead baby. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever be able to relax? Xxx

@rachelrainbow there's nothing wrong with you, unfortunately I think many of us here have found that scans on give us temporary reassurance, especially in the terrifying first trimester. The fact that baby was measuring perfectly at 9+5 is a brilliant sign and means that the odds are very much in your favour. The bleeding must have been terrifying though please try to remember that >25% of women with healthy full term pregnancies will have experienced bleeding at some point. After two losses I had scans at 7 and 9 weeks, both of them reassured me for a couple of days but I was still completely petrified of the 12 week one. It turned out to be fine thankfully. That very evening I started to develop COVID symptoms (having probably been infected at work 4 or 5 prior) and then was very poorly for two weeks and I can safely say that this is the only time in the pregnancy so far that I wasn't constantly panicking and that was only because I was too focused on my own health and recovery! I'm back to worrying now though definitely at not quite the same level as earlier in the pregnancy. I'm scared of my 20 week scan (4 weeks away) and I'm paranoid about lack of symptoms, not really having a proper bump yet etc, but I guess we all have to come to terms with the fact that pregnancy after loss will always be a scary time and whilst some days we might feel more relaxed than others, there will also be part of us that struggles to believe that we will bring our rainbow babies home until it actually happens.....

This is such a great place for reassurance so am very glad you've been brave enough to break your silence!

@Bellsx 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 16wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 17wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 16wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 14wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 15wks (due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 15wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 15wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 16wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 15wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 13wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 13wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 14wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 13wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 10wks (23/10/20)
@Doughnut100 10wks (due 05/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 10 wks (due 07/11/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85 5 wks (due 13/12/20)

@rachelrainbow my first scan at 6+5 (or so I thought) I measured 5+6. Second scan at 9+3 I measured 9+1. When I went for my 12 week scan I was still 3 days out and my due date was changed. Early days is usual for measurements to be up to a week out, because bub is so curled up, and they measure head to rump. I would say that a strong heartbeat and movement are excellent signs. I don't know how closely you track ovulation etc but don't forget sperm can hang around for up to 5 days and that can grow your dates off. Try to stay strong and positive until your dating scan. The reason they wait until around the 12 week mark is because that's when it's most accurate. And don't feel like you're being silly or that your feelings aren't valid. You're allowed to be scared and nervous, after a loss it's really hard to believe everything could be ok x

Hi @rachelrainbow I'm so sorry for your previous loss, I also had a missed miscarriage of a 6 week old embryo previously :( It was devastating but all the professionals told me that 6 weeks is a very common time to miscarry, and it will have just been a genetic deficiency in either the sperm or the egg... Your feelings of anxiety are totally, totally valid, but I'm going to say that at 9+5 which you were at before, and with a heartbeat etc is a much, much, much stronger place to be in than 6 weeks in terms of the statistics. It suggests your embryo has all the right genetics to grow healthily to me. However having said that I totally understand your worry, I'm prone to being very reassuring to others and then panicking myself so I'm just the same! Congrats on your new pregnancy, and I'll be crossing my fingers for your 12 week scan, we're always here if you want to talk xxx

@rachelrainbow my apologies I meant to say your baby not your embryo there!!! Sorry I didn't realise before I posted! xx

Hope everyone is well! Sorry to see some bad news on the thread aswell, hope you're looking after yourselves

Still having alot of trouble sleeping and feeling generally 'off'. Been feeling some more movements but not alot thanks to anterior placenta! Just adds to the worries! On a positive note though I had 3 or 4 kicks that I could feel from the outside this morning!! Typically stopped when OH tried to feel them 😂 but still a brighter start to today!

Feel bad mentioning good news when theres been bad news mentioned here.

Sorry there are so many messages in this thread I've lost track of who replied to me! So great that so many women are here to support each other.

@AnxiousLady1 nice that we are close in due dates. I hope you've have your 12w scan date through? Should be near mine. I am the same as you describe, always expecting bad news, so I worst-case-scenario everything!

@Mimba1 @Avocuddles @MOGMOGMOG85 and to all the ladies talking about how they feel about not having started trying earlier, I agree it's easy to get freaked out by the over-35 stats. But for me I just know that I couldn't have started earlier. My partner did not want kids when we met, and that was only four years ago, and we've been trying for 15 months now! I kept the faith that eventually he would come round because I just knew he was the one for me, and I also felt that his firm belief about not wanting kids was defensive and completely based on having been single his whole life and not expecting to meet anyone. For the first two years we were together we had an understanding, that for me it was make or break and the clock was ticking, and that he could take his time to think about it, but if he ever realised it was a definite no he had to tell me immediately. On our second valentines day when we had been together 1.5 years, he told me he would have kids with me. But it took a lot longer for him to actually feel happy about it. I miscarried this time last year and it was the worst thing to happen, but in a strange way brought us to where we are now, where he is invested in this pregnancy and we really feel like a team. I remind myself regularly that even though ttc has been so hard, it wasn't that long ago that I was so worried I wouldn't meet the right man in time, so even being here is a big win.

@Avocuddles I actually had great news about my thyroid, the tiny amount of levothyroxine (25mcg) they have put me on actually made my levels bang within normal range. So I don't have a consultant overseeing it yet, but my anxiety about it is totally gone. May I ask at what stage they put you on blood thinners? Right from the start of pregnancy?

@teaandtantrums90 lovely that our due dates are close. My first timester has felt like a 24/7 hangover! So ironic as I haven't been drinking for way before we conceived. Hope your sickness medication is working.

@rachelrainbow there is nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry you feel so worried and I can relate completely. I also had a mmc, started spotting at 11w and the baby had stopped growing at 8w. Now I am 10w approaching when I started spotting. It will feel great if I pass that date and don't bleed, but I still have such worries that the 12w scan will be bad news. Hold on, do whatever you need to feel ok, I will be hoping for you.

@Rachael321 congrats on the kicks! Don't apologise for your good news we are all rooting for each other, I am so happy for you!

I thought I would share a funny thing. My partner is great but he's so active that while I've been lying in bed feeling nauseous he has had limited sympathy. It felt like he thought I should just do mind over matter which was obviously impossible. Made me pretty mad, we argued, he pretended he didn't think that. Anyway I've been feeling much better and yesterday we went for a bike ride. We sat for a rest before turning back and I was fine, then out of nowhere I suddenly vomited really messily. He tried to comfort me and it splattered his leg, super disgusting. Suddenly he was all sympathy. I heard him on the phone later to his mum explaining how hard it was for me. Nothing like a good bit of chunky vomit on his skin to bring home that my nausea is really real! I should have vomited on him weeks ago!

Sorry I do not know why loads of that came up in bold! I didn't mean to shout!

@Doughnut100 your story resonates with me. I think our miscarriages have made our relationship stronger, along with our appreciation and gratitude for each happy and healthy day we share. We're now 23 months on from when we started TTC and although it's been a really tough journey at times I know that it will all be worth it when we finally bring home our rainbow. When my first marriage failed I thought my chance of having a family went out the window, but now I realise it was all about waiting for the right man, the right time. The two of us are an amazing family as it is, but hopefully in five months that two will become a three.

Re the blood thinners, for all three pregnancies I've been on enoxaparin (cleanse) injections right from the start as I have a 1 in 3 chance of a serious and potentially fatal clot if I'm not medicated during pregnancy. First pregnancy I wasn't prescribed aspirin, 2nd one I took it from around 6 weeks and this time around I started at 4 weeks. I'm really glad your meds are doing the trick, pregnancy is a scary enough time without having your own health issues weighing on your mind! Your vomit story made me laugh and feel sorry for you simultaneously, hope the nausea starts getting getting soon.....

@Rachael321 that's so exciting re the kicks, I can't wait for that!

Oops! I posted on the previous thread, didn't realised it's progressed to thread No 2!

Hello to the familiar faces and to all of you 😊 Here is what happened this morning after my MMC and natural MC. Due 20/12/2020, fingers crossed this is third time lucky for us 🍀🤞💐 Lovely to see you all xxx

Happy Easter all.

Sorry to see some bad news (I won’t tag as it’s been a couple of days & don’t want to bring people back if they’re taking time away).

@doughnut100 @Mimba1*@Avocuddles @MOGMOGMOG85* I’m 40 & will be a few weeks off my 41 birthday when this one arrives so it could be worse for you all! 🤣 I met my husband relatively late, can’t do much about that!

Hope you all have a lovely relaxing day taking care of yourselves. I’m craving a beer or glass of wine... oh well!

Welcome @MrsMGE and gentle congratulations for your BFP, hoping this is your rainbow x

@Avocuddles five months really doesn't sound long, it just struck me! You are nearly half way. Hoping this will be your rainbow and make some sense of the difficult journey, glad to hear it has brought you and your partner together. And glad you are consultant led and being looked after for your blood condition.

@tmc14 exactly- you can't always help when you meet the right man! My mum had me at 40 and my sister at 44. I'm so glad I didn't try to make it work with the previous absolute knobhead I was with.

@Doughnut100 I'm so glad your experience has made your relationship stronger. I think I feel guilty because it was the other way round for me. I met my husband in 2009 and after a couple of years he said he wanted kids. I didn't. He was really supportive and said it had to work for both of us. Around 2016 I started thinking maybe, but being married was important to me and he kept saying "one day" so I still waited. A year later I decided I really did want a family and couldn't afford to wait any more so we started trying. Then he proposed in 2018 and we got married last year. Now we're nearly 3 years on from when we started trying and I feel like I wasted 5 additional years faffing. OH is fab - he says if it's just us that's still a fantastic life and he doesn't blame me at all but I do. I also think my extreme anxiety contributed to my last loss which doesn't help! Just trying to stay positive with this one and remember it wasn't the right time before. Easier said than done!

I now have sore boobs but all of my other symptoms have completely gone - I tried pregnacare which has methyl folate instead of folic acid and my nausea has gone (I always thought it was the folic acid!) When I wake up I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be pregnant because I feel so normal and then panic. Should be 7+2 now and I know this can be completely normal but seriously - if there's a superior being who designed this whole process what were they thinking? Couldn't they have built in a viewing window or something! Actually that would be pretty gross. But you know what I mean! 5 days now until I'm past the date of my last MC. We said we'd get that out of the way and then decide whether to get a private scan. I'm still really undecided but I think it's best to wait a week and then decide. There seem to be plenty of appointments at my local WTW and I've seen some of the negative experiences other people have had.

Trying to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts and eat my Easter eggs seeing as I'm completely fine eating anything and everything!

@lionsmum welcome! I'm so sorry about your loss. I think we'd have pretty similar due dates if everything goes well. Mine is 1 Dec based on LMP and assumed cycle length but for me that's a bit of a guess tbh!

@Rachael321 thanks for sharing your good news. That's fantastic! Honestly what I love about this thread is that everyone is there to support both the good and the bad. It's great that there are people who can relate when you're worried or feeling low but I love reading the positives as well. It reminds me that there is hope and it's lovely to think that someone out there is having a really good day! Congrats!

@tmc14 thanks! Sorry didn't see your message before I posted mine. I know I should be grateful that I got this far and even the midwife last time said 40 is the new 30! I have quite a few friends who can't have children and I think I started thinking that was normal. It makes sense because we moved to a new area and I lost touch with my old group of friends. New people I've met are understandably similar to me - mid-30s to early 40s, "settled" but childless. For some that's a choice but not always. Gives a bit of a distorted view of the world!

I hope you manage to find some nice alcohol free drinks (not quite the same I know!)

Congratulations @MrsMGE

@Rachael321 - that’s amazing! Must be the nicest feeling. Can’t wait for that!

@rachelrainbow, I’ve been exactly where you are just now. Before this pregnancy, scans only ever brought us bad news. I’ve cried my eyes out at every scan we’ve had so far (7, 9, 11, 12 and 14 weeks) as I couldn’t believe this baby was alive, safe and wriggling away. I’m 18 weeks now, it’s been 4 weeks since our last scan and two weeks until our next one which feels ages away. I felt really anxious last week but this week I feel more relaxed. I’ve come to the realisation that, even if something has gone wrong, obsessing over it isn’t going to change the outcome (and is going to drive me mad). I’ve waited so long to have a successful pregnancy (this is my fourth pregnancy after two MMCs and a ‘natural’ miscarriage in-between) that I’m going to try to enjoy it. If I don’t know otherwise, I have to assume everything is fine and, if it’s not, I’ll deal with it when I need to. Some days it’s easier than others but I’m making myself have that mindset as we have everything to be hopeful for 🌈 Reading about other ladies who are further along their journey than me has been so reassuring.

I’ve got everything crossed for your next scan and hope you manage to find a way to keep your anxiety at bay. Don’t ever feel like you’re not normal. You feel this way because you care and already love your baby so much and that can never be a bad thing. Baby is lucky to have you Keep sharing, lots of us have been there and know how you’re feeling.