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Original poster

Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

310 replies

PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:48

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

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QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/12/2017 13:51

You can't be forced to stay. You can choose to leave against medical advice if you want to. However, if you or baby genuinely needs to be there this is obviously inadvisable.

I would speak to your midwife asap and get her input. They may be able to prioritise you for a single room (although this is highly dependent on who else needs them) or some hospitals will let you pay for your own room.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 16/12/2017 13:52

Might a doula or similar help? Someone to stay awake and keep guard ifyswim.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:53

I know you can pay, but the rooms are literally like £200 for a night and I can’t stretch to that. I don’t want to put the baby at risk but at the same time there is no way I can stay if there are men sleeping in the same room.

Sounds stupid coming from a 39 year old woman but I’m literally in a blind panic about it

OP posts:
mamas12 · 16/12/2017 13:55

You and your baby are the patients here so that should trump anything else as you are there to receive the services
Talk to your midwives and the hospital and have it on your notes that this is your history and your concerns and Come up with a plan before your due date

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/12/2017 13:55

Speak to your midwife seriously. If it is this much of a struggle for you I imagine they will do what they can to find you your own room. They probably won't be able to make you a guarantee, but if you and baby are both healthy you can usually safely leave within a few hours of the birth anyway.

Parsleyisntfood · 16/12/2017 13:58

Would someone staying with you help? It might not, maybe that’s a ridiculous suggestion. I would happily stay with a friend if they needed me in that situation.

WillowWept · 16/12/2017 13:59

I’ve seen the topic debates but didn’t realise that this was a reality and that men could actually stay.

I don’t have any answers for you OP and I’m sorry you’re in a state but I am also horrified by this.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:59

I’ll definately speak to my midwife.

I didn’t know it was a thing until someone told me they were thinking about banning it due to men wandering around the ward in just their boxer shorts and they were bringing in a code of conduct.

I remember last time - I could hear everything. And when you are bleeding and struggling hours after birth and you are separated by a flimsy curtain! I can’t do it

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 16/12/2017 14:06

Will the baby's father be with you?

Backingvocals · 16/12/2017 14:08

Sorry you are in this position. No patient in hospital should have to spend any time thinking about this crap. I hoe your midwife can help you.

scrabbler3 · 16/12/2017 14:11

It wasn't allowed at my hospital when I had my kids (12+ years ago) and I don't suppose it's that common anyway OP. Most dads are keen to go home and get some shut-eye in their own beds! Many will be responsible for older siblings (as I suspect your OH will be) and will have to be at home. I think it would be very weird for a dad to stay over. I think you should discuss it with your midwife.

CharlieSierra · 16/12/2017 14:13

Every time I see this on here I'm enraged on behalf of the woman dreading it. It's ludicrous, they don't need to be there and if they want to be they should pay for a room. It was bad enough when I had my second and the woman opposite me had her bloke there all day. I wanted to say just fuck off to work until they come home and you're actually able to do something useful instead of sitting there peering round the ward and up other women's nighties all day. Twat.

pastabest · 16/12/2017 14:13

Just ask.

When I was transferred from the birthing unit to the postnatal ward at another hospital I got given a separate room for a very spurious reason not at my own request.

The midwife had clocked in my notes what job I did and assumed that it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to have been on the main ward in case there was a crossover between my work and other ladies there. It would actually have been absolutely fine for me to be on the main ward (I actually work with a totally different client group all together) and I was mortified when I realised what had happened.

You have far more genuine and good reason to have a side room than I did, so if you envisage it being a problem, put it in your birthing plan/notes as far as you are comfortable doing and just ask. It’s exactly the kind of thing they will consider when deciding who gets which bed/room.

Jenala · 16/12/2017 14:16

You need to talk to your midwife. I think given your circumstances they will do what they can to find you a side room.

My hospital changed policies between my births so partners could stay. I sent mine home at 1am the first night as he had nowhere to sleep except in the chair and it was easier to manage on my own. I think many women felt the same as on the full 6 bed bay only one partner stayed all night. It was useful to have him there as long I needed though.

I'm pretty Shock at stories of men in boxer shorts and to be honest find it hard to believe. Why would they do that? They don't have a bed to sleep in or anything, it's not like staying overnight so much as being an extra pair of hands. There were clear rules in my hospital about talking etc and that any men being basically being a pain would be kicked out anyway.

You will be perfectly safe as any man who bothers to stay will be too focused on his own partner and baby. However if you are panicking you need to speak to your midwife now and make sure they know how bad the idea is making you feel.

chickywoo · 16/12/2017 14:18

Wow, I don't like this new thing! Partners to stay on the wards?! With mine I think partners were allowed on the ward outside usual costing times - but when night time visiting finished it's everybody out! Ask the hospital about their EMSA - eliminating mixed sex accommodation policy, I can't see how this would fit in with it!
I know maternity wards are busy with comings and goings but their should a least be an attempt to have some patient protected 'rest time' this can't happen with partners around!

Jenala · 16/12/2017 14:19

Pastabest that happened to me when I was being induced first time. I am a cp social worker and a lady on the ward was looking at removal at birth so they put me in a side room in case a colleague visited. I was glad in the end as I was in labour for 54 hours before transferring to delivery but I was bit Hmm that they didn't give the poor woman possibly losing her baby the room. That wasn't an option though apparently

EmpressoftheMundane · 16/12/2017 14:20

I remember many year ago now, hating the postnatal ward. Four mothers to a room and partners and families in at all hours. No peace, no privacy.

I got out sharpish.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 14:22

Please speak to your midwife.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 14:24

My husband will be at home with our 6 year old. And to be honest he snores and I wouldn’t want him there. I’d want him rested ready for when we come home!

I completely understand that some ladies want and need that support after birth. But I genuinely can’t deal with it.

I’m only anxious about mentioning it as I don’t want to be labelled as problematic or being hounded by the health visitor. It’s not an issue usually.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 16/12/2017 14:28

I wouldn't stay either in that situation, and I haven't been abused, so Flowers

When our first ended up on the neonatal ward for a few nights, dh did stay, but we had a private family room opposite the unit. Staying wouldn't have been an option on the main postnatal ward (where we were the first couple of days after birth), and there was 'only' two or us to a room (not UK). I found that hard enough, tbh, and to be expected to share that space with 5 other women plus up to 5 men - good God, no Shock

HeteronormativeHaybales · 16/12/2017 14:28

two OF us.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2017 14:38

No I haven't because the issue didn't arise. But I would protest strongly if a man was staying on a post-natal ward. This is quite wrong and should not be allowed IMHO. What is it with those people and their Velcro partners.

Thedietstartsnow · 16/12/2017 14:39

I fucking hate this ,it caused me untold upset after I had mine,no way should men be there.noteven to visit...I had men all night next to my curtAin and all fucking day as well...them using the loos as well.having to wAit in the loos with my pad and someone's smirking relative.grim

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2017 14:42

I would honestly speak to your midwife. There is no reason for you to be labelled by your hv. You already have a child and no flags have been raised. Honour yourself and your needs Flowers

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/12/2017 14:43

My daughter gave birth 3 weeks ago and her partner had to leave between 9pm and 10am.
Can you ring the hospital to double check?