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Original poster

Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

310 replies

PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:48

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

OP posts:
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AssassinatedBeauty · 17/12/2017 14:04

Nope. Identifying as something doesn't change objective reality. Someone with a uterus who gives birth is female, regardless of what they identify as.

It's not the same as religion because that is not based on objective reality.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 14:06

And considering there have only been 2 or 3 women who have done this, the chances of Jane Doe encountering one on a post natal ward in the UK are slim to none Hmm.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 17/12/2017 14:09

I really didn’t want to start an argument.

I’ve said all along that I understand why women want their partners there.

I primarily came to ask if anyone else had come across it and if provisions were made for them because they couldn’t manage sharing for reasons such as my own, or religion etc because I can’t find any information online and it’s been worrying me all weekend.

I’m not suggesting a blanket ban. I simply cannot deal with men i don’t know in a close environment with myself when I’m in a position where I have no control.

I will speak to my midwife tomorrow.

I usually frequent AIBU but I asked this question here because I didn’t want it to turn into a bun fight. Yes I suffered abuse. Yes it’s happened and no I can’t change it. But that still doesn’t mean I personally want a man 2 foot from me whilst I’m trying to rest after giving birth, with just a flimsy curtain around me.

OP posts:
Tollygunge · 17/12/2017 14:18

I haven’t read the thread but this really bothered me at uch recently. The constant noise and needing the toilet but it being taken by a bloke who came out holding a paper. Bleugh

However... the hospital staff can’t physically look after the number of patients they have, so they need family members there, especially for those women who have had c sections and can’t physically get up. Uch had no visiting your policy at all. More irritating we’re the constant people talking on speaker phone.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 14:45

'The constant noise and needing the toilet but it being taken by a bloke who came out holding a paper. Bleugh '

And an infection risk.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 17/12/2017 15:46

That’s awful that you had to share a toilet.

OP posts:
KadabrasSpoon · 17/12/2017 16:01

The shared facilities is another annoying thing about 24 hour visiting. I didn't manage to have a shower for many days because it was usually occupied and I was quite dizzy and really needed the one with the seat in post emcs. Why the visitors need that one or can't, you know, shower at home.
It might work on these small 3/4 wards up thread but mine was 24 bays and the sheer volume of people it doesn't cater too when almost doubled.

Jigglytuff · 17/12/2017 16:33

If women want their partners there, they should be in a separate - paid for - room. Post natal wards are for women and their babies. There are not the facilities or the space to accommodate them.

And for every nice supportive man, there's a boorish one who's shitting in the toilets and chatting in the middle of the night and does bugger all to help with the baby, and another who tries to fuck his postnatal partner to reassert his rights.

EmpressoftheMundane · 17/12/2017 16:34

another who tries to fuck his postnatal partner to reassert his rights.

I live in east London and have heard toe curling stories about this from more than one person! Shocking, but actually happens.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 16:55

Oh, they always go and use the patient toilet! Grrr.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 17/12/2017 17:01

Does no one ever complain at this stuff? Confused Ewwww boak at sharing a toilet with a shitting man 🤢

OP posts:
gryffen · 17/12/2017 17:03

Defo speak to your midwife who can ask on your behalf, it may come down to timing and if someone serious comes in with complications but you can have a plan ready.

In Scotland partners are allowed in between 11 and 8, we have protected meal times and any issues are dealt with in a quick manner, including telling people to leave if too noisy or being disruptive.
We dont have to pay for private rooms (unless private hospital) but males defo do not get to stay overnight unless in delivery room and then they are asked to leave until after lunch if baby is born so all can rest and get fed etc.

Its crazy how diffrent parts of the NHS work but defo speak but understand that it may not happen.

best wishes.

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 17:56

Even if the care on PN wards was adequate, I am sure that some women would still want their partners to stay.

outnumbered4 · 17/12/2017 20:28

I had this, I was in for 3 nights in September after having a c section and the woman next to me had her husband with her the entire time she was there (2 of my 3 nights) he was loud and obnoxious, at one point pacing up and down the ward on the phone shouting at someone at 11pm.

I don’t know why it’s a thing now it wasn’t when I had my other 4.

Definitely ask for a side room, I was given one with my 3rd and they didn’t charge.

IsaSchmisa · 17/12/2017 20:55

Let's just go back to the 60s when my mom had to give birth all alone.My dad wasn't allowed near her in labour, during the delivery, and for hours after delivery. She HATED that. I would too.

But seeing as how there's no suggestion of that ever happening again, it's got nothing whatsoever to do with the topic at hand. It's perfectly possible to allow men around during the birth and on the postnatal ward in visiting hours, and not overnight.

OP, the NHS is supposed to have a commitment to ending mixed wards. They were extremely unpopular with patients and we as a society have decided they're a bad thing. I'd let your midwife and PALS know now that you refuse to be nursed on a ward where there are males staying. Ask how they plan to facilitate this. It's their problem to solve not yours.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 17/12/2017 21:37

I will ask about it tomorrow... I’ve had low blood pressure so I’m due to see the midwife this week anyway

OP posts:
IsaSchmisa · 17/12/2017 22:16

Start a paper trail. Make sure it's in your notes.

LeaveAllThisToYesterday · 18/12/2017 00:54

OP it's unfortunate this has turned in to an argument, but I think it's pretty unanimous that you should absolutely be given a private room and it's absolutely understandable that you would feel highly uncomfortable with unknown men around at night.

I hope your talk with midwife goes well - perhaps write down your thoughts first? You've been very clear here and if you have any worries about making her understand that could help.

Slapdasherie · 18/12/2017 01:21

*True. So they would be male female with a uterus.

Problem?*

Not now I've fixed it for you. Men don't have uteruses. Uterii?

Do you have other problems understanding reality? Or is it only biological sex that confuses you?

mumof2sarah · 18/12/2017 06:38

@PinkSnowAndStars as someone who's a big advocate for partners being able to stay and get that bond I'm also very adamant that that should only be if every other women on the ward is comfortable and ok with that and that you shouldn't be made to feel so sad and anxious at what should be the happiest time in your life. I'm sending lots of love and positive thoughts that your midwife is able to organise something for you.

I don't see the point in arguing about things (unless it's really needed!) especially when an OP has really strong reasoning for the post like this. Yes everyone's entitled to an opinion but done in a respectful way of everyone else within the group!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE 🎄🎄🎄

Shutupanddance1 · 18/12/2017 13:34

@AfunaMbatata, I live in a Muslim country, they give every person their dignity by not having wards. Vast majority of the hospitals have private rooms only.

Having heard how my friend was recently treated while having her baby I’m disgusted her partner couldn’t stay. She had two blood transfusions after a c section, transfusions done in ward, she couldn’t reach her baby, nobody would answer the bell for her. She had to have another mother, who had also had a section help her try to lift and latch on her baby. Horrid.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 13:44

another who tries to fuck his postnatal partner to reassert his rights
Awful, just fucking awful.

Neiflette · 18/12/2017 13:49

Nobody was allowed to stay overnight where I had a baby. But men should be allowed in the wards during the day. I had my grandfather and FIL and partner all visit briefly. I wouldn't want to be separated from my baby after she's just been born, so why should my partner have to leave straight after the birth? Fair enough, don't have them stay long and no overnights but a complete ban is ludicrous tbh.

I think you need to be more specific about what you mean by 'staying' on the ward.

Neiflette · 18/12/2017 13:50

Oh God. I didn't even realise this had gone on for 12 pages!! Apologies if you've answered already. Sad

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 13:52

as someone who's a big advocate for partners being able to stay and get that bond
Personally I think that bonding with the father can take place during the day and once the mother and baby have left hospital.

People stay in hospital because they need medical care and treatment and PN wards should not be about bonding.

(Sorry just my opinion)

Where does this end??

In a few years time, will we have older siblings staying too in order to bond??