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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

310 replies

PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:48

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Viviennemary · 16/12/2017 17:27

The point is many women who are patients in hospital don't want men staying the night and their wishes should be honoured IMHO.. Why is it OK in maternity wards but not OK in surgical wards. These patients might need drinks of water, turned over in bed and so on. No. Men should not be employed on a voluntary basis as personal care assistants. Have they been CRB checked. No thought not. It's crazy.

53rdWay · 16/12/2017 17:29

I understand why women on poorly-staffed wards may have felt better having their own partners there to help them. But it's a pretty miserable state of affairs if we're expecting people to bring their own support to hospital for basic nursing care, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2017 17:29

Yup who knew Priscilla was pronounced Prick Illa?

Perhaps you should look up what childhood abuse means Prick Illa.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/12/2017 17:29

The men staying policy is nothing to do with breastfeeding. I agree it's to cover up staffing issues, and not at all about what is best for women.

@Ven83 meals would be in the daytime, when partners and family can visit. Partners can normally visit for 12 hours on most post natal wards. Then for feeding overnight and changing nappies etc, that is exactly what the staff are there for.

littlecabbage · 16/12/2017 17:33

Wow, I am shocked that men are allowed to stay overnight on a postnatal ward. I am not a victim of abuse and not generally nervous of men, but after the births of my children are some of the times I have felt most vulnerable in my life.

Even if the men present were quiet and respectful, I would not want to be discussing my symptoms with a midwife with only a curtain separating us, or trying to breastfeed, or hobbling around bleeding, or feeling emotional with men present the whole time. And judging by some of the families I've shared a postnatal ward with before, the men would not always be quiet and respectful.

If I had encountered this policy, I would not have stayed either. I cannot see the benefit, except to cover staff shortages. There should be more health care assistants to help those women needing extra care.

WillowWept · 16/12/2017 17:33

pricilla I’m going to be polite and assume you are just really really naive if you cannot imagine why a woman might not want to sleep, when at her physically most vulnerable and whilst separated by a thin curtain from a man who is a total stranger.

And if you’re not not naive you’re thick.

Or just plain nasty.

twotired · 16/12/2017 17:33

It was allowed at the hospital where I gave birth. There was a man opposite me and he snored really excessively loudly. I was there for 2 nights and managed about 3 hours sleep.

I agree with PP, given your history and concerns I would definitely speak to a midwife. I'm sure they are wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable and will do their absolute best to get you a private room.

Best of luck with the birth, I hope you get the aftercare you need too (re the man situation)

Original poster

PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 17:40

Thank you for the support everyone. It means a lot. I’m honestly not trying to say it should be banned because some women do need additional support from their partners.

I’m just asking if anyone else has come across this and what they have done because I simply can’t manage it. I can’t be trying to sleep in a room with men I don’t know.

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSqoosh · 16/12/2017 17:40

I refused to stay if my partner couldn't stay overnight with me, he could so it was fine but they did say a few times that no one is forced to stay against their will.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 16/12/2017 17:41

I had a very similar experience to Ven83. I don't know what I would have done if DH hadn't been allowed to stay. I was traumatised (our baby nearly died and I lost a lot of blood following a complicated EMCS, so went doolaley) and could not move at all as I was in so much pain. I couldn't even hold my baby for many hours, let alone change his nappy or feed him without support. The midwives were absolutely rushed off their feet so they couldn't give me the support I needed, particularly in those first 24 hours. If DH hadn't been allowed to stay then my baby would have severely suffered. We didn't even notice the other new fathers on the ward as we were so preoccupied with trying to care for our new baby, and I'm sure those families were exactly the same. I don't think the answer to dealing with those having (understandable) anxiety as a result of abuse is to simply ban all men from staying over. Unfortunately the NHS has had such a hit that there aren't the midwives to give each woman who's suffered a traumatic birth the immediate 24/7 help they need.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/12/2017 17:42

No, but if you aren't fit to be discharged then either you have to stay, or discharge yourself and know that you'll be struggling at home. Neither of which should have to be the case.

Ninjamilo · 16/12/2017 17:55

I don't think there will ever be a way that suits everyone.

I would rather discharge myself early than be alone, which isn't right, but then neither should someone who doesn't want men around be in the same situation.

The same goes for private rooms - someone who needs their partner with them should not be forced in to paying for a private room more than someone who doesn't want men around should.

I'd be more than happy to pay for a private room, but what if there isn't one available?

I hope your midwife manages to get you some private space sorted OP, giving birth is stressful enough at the best of times, without additional stress!

53rdWay · 16/12/2017 17:56

PinkSnowAndStars this is the policy on mixed-sex wards from the NHS trust you linked earlier, if you need to quote something: www.buckshealthcare.nhs.uk/About/same-sex-accommodation.htm

"Our patients are placed in male- or female-only sleeping areas and have easy access to same-sex toilets and bathrooms unless they actively choose to share accommodation which they sometimes do"

Ven83 · 16/12/2017 17:57

@allegretto It would sometimes take half an hour for anyone to respond to the buzzing at night (I had to buzz to ask for help with the latch.)
Half an hour with a crying baby you can't tend to is soul crushing. I agree in an ideal world there'd be a lot more staff on call and less need for the partners to take over some of the caring duties but I doubt that wards where no partners are allowed to stay over night are better staffed. We should expect and demand better conditions and more staff on wards but in the mean time I'm glad I was given an option to work around it. Because I didn't have to buzz the nurse to lift me or pass me the baby meant she could tend to women who didn't have partners or family members to help.

My next birth will have to be a CS again as told by the surgeon, and DS should be old enough to spend the weekend with my mother.

Yorke00 · 16/12/2017 17:58

Persiancat I don't know what would have happened if DP wasn't there. Tbh much of the time was a blur- I was in huge amounts of pain, drugged up to my eyeballs and terrified. Of course I recognise that some women might not want men there, in an ideal world maternity wards would be set up so they all have individual rooms and it would be up to each woman if they have a partner there or not. All I can talk about is my own experience and say that I literally could not have coped without DP. Research shows that one of the main factors which prevents PTSD from developing is support from others and I truly believe that having my DP on the ward with me stopped me from developing PTSD.

OP- I hope you get the support you need. Please talk to your midwife about your concerns and I hope she can help.

ArnoldBee · 16/12/2017 18:00

Talk to your midwife. At my hospital there are 2 options 1) if you have an uncomplicated birth a patient hotel where partners can stay and you make your own meals.
2) A ward which has multi - occupancy bays and single use rooms. I was jet propelled into one of these as the lady opposite me had her whole extended family round the bed playing jungle music! As it's your second you could be sent home in hours anyway but your midwife is there to support you.

PersianCatLady · 16/12/2017 18:04

Yorke
It is disgusting that in order for women like you to receive adequate care, the only option is to have your DP on the ward.

Rather than have men on the ward, there should be adequate staff to care for all the patients.

Daisy91 · 16/12/2017 18:25

I have no experience of this but I am pregnant with my first and it was good to read this thread as I have no idea what to expect.

I think we will definitely pay for a private room, I can’t imagine not having my own space during this time, however if there were none available I would 100% have my husband stay with me on ward and put my own needs first.

I’m sure the midwives will be very understanding and try their best to accommodate you. X

Bubblebubblepop · 16/12/2017 18:32

backingvocals In a ward where a partner is allowed to stay they are expected to do the caring for mother and baby also.

In my c section ward, had my H not been there my DC wouldn't have been fed. I couldn't get them in or out the cot- the buzzer wasn't answered or was answered up to 40 minutes after it was pressed.

Makes me want a home birth next time tbh. Hideous place, post natal

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/12/2017 18:41

I think you should be given your own room op.
I always have my own room due to my disability, however I would strongly support partners on the ward.
It isn't nice for fathers to be separated from them babies as soon as a couple of hours after birth if born at night. It can be hard for women to look after baby on their own if they have had a section or a difficult birth.

DollyLlama · 16/12/2017 18:52

Partners were able to stay on the ward I was in, BUT they have to sign a form with all sorts of rules, including that they are not allowed to remove any clothing. If you break any rules, you had to leave immediately.

I’m sorry about your situation OP, hopefully they can find a room for you.

crunchymint · 16/12/2017 18:58

8ArnoldBee* Jungle music? Racism is not okay

Jenala · 16/12/2017 19:00

crunchy jungle is a type of electronic music.

newmummycwharf1 · 16/12/2017 19:01

Hmmmm unfortunately this is the way the NHS will continue to go without additional taxes to fund more staff or part-privatisation. It is actually heartening that the stretched staffing is being noticed in so many areas so the public can make informed decisions at future elections. Simply put, most hospitals are incredibly short staffed and can not afford to give the level of nursing care one would expect in a country like the UK

Jenala · 16/12/2017 19:01

if this helps crunchy

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