Staying posifrickentive- Thread 9 for ladies pg after mc

[sundayraspberry]

Right that wasn't so hard! Let's hope everyone finds us still

Hello all, just popped by and you've filled lots of pages!
I finally realised what other ladies mean when they realise their boobs don't seem sore anymore and start prodding. I just started doing that, nothing. I lay down and they have a slight burning sensation. The things we want to feel are just crazy!
9 wks now and although I feel horrid a lot, I'm still struggling to believe that I'll have a baby at the end of it. This is wierd right? Because I truly feel this one will stick, especially after such a positive scan.
I guess I'm in the limbo of wanting to believe but not quite letting myself?
Welcome to more newbies on the thread! Sorry that you've had to go through previous loss too and I hope these pregnancies bring lots of happiness.

Wow! Maybe i'm not mad then. I cant decide whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing to have felt baby move in your situation, Butterfly. One the one hand, absolutely devastating because of what you ended up having to 'choose' to do. (I know it wasn't a choice, not in any way shape or form, you had to do it, you were right to do it, but they make you 'choose' don't they? On the other hand, at least you got to experience that feeling and know one will every be able to take that away from you. Im crying now. My loss at 13 weeks almost killed me and that was a mmc when baby had passed much earlier. How the heck are you still standing, woman? And you come on here and share your story and reassure others too. I'm really grateful to you and full of admiration too.

Hi all,

I can't keep up. Must try harder.

My symptoms keep disappearing too. I'm starting to wonder if it's all in my head. Have felt slightly nauseous (mostly in the evenings) but not been sick. It's crazy that I want to be just to prove to myself that I am feeling ill.
Like others say just trying to take it a day at a time. I think I'm 6+5 so still a little while until a scan is worthwhile if I've understood correctly? Bit disappointed in the GP I spoke to last week because she knew very little about early scans and was not very reassuring. She said she'd book it 'through the usual method' and get back to me...
Might go private if I don't hear anything soon. Has anyone else had a private early scan?

Hope everyone is well.

whatser it was a good thing definitely, something to cherish in those sad last days whilst we waited for the appointment. It felt like a little gift. And at the same time it tore me up. Awful, feeling so responsible for a life and chosing to end it. I always said, and it's still true, that I don't feel guilty for the choice I made, but I do feel responsible for his death and that still weighs heavy. We felt it was a huge mercy that the diagnosis was so clear cut. I think it would have been a hundred times harder if we were deciding about quality of life etc rather than a total inability to survive outside the womb. When I delivered him and we held him we could see straight away that there was no mistake - his spinal cord was exposed and open at the top and the membrane which was all he had where he should have had a skull behind his face had collapsed and his brain tissue was nearly all missing. He just had this cute little face, button nose, tiny mouth and huge deep eyes and his little fingers clutched round his feet as if he'd just been sucking his toes, adorable.

I've made my peace with it now, I know there was no possible happy ending and I'm glad we let him go before he could feel pain. DD1's death 6 years ago however is another matter. She was a perfectly healthy, normal baby until I contracted that bastard toxoplasmosis infection that killed her. She struggled for weeks without me having a clue - she died at about 19 weeks we believe (based on sudden overnight symptom loss, and knowing she was alive at my 17 week appointment), but, love her, she was only 14-15 weeks in size, so had clearly been putting all her effort into hanging on and surviving and growth and development had stopped. I can't believe it all happened to me, in me, and I had no clue whatsoever until we sauntered in for the 20 week scan asking them not to tell us the sex please. I still feel utterly sick at the knowledge that somehow I picked up that infection - some contamination/carelessness or whatever, and it killed her. The horror of it is still there, and my grief for her, and for us and how we were damaged and changed by her death, isn't going to go away. It's just something to live with, and that gets easier with time, but it's still there, and still has the power to take my breath away at times. I still ache for her and I always will.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I should have posted that, it might be a bit much for this thread.

No I think it is wonderful. Our babies are lost to us but will never be forgotten and that is so important. Thank you for sharing. x

Made me a bit tearful but I'm glad you did post it. Such a reminder to be thankful for the good moments and not to stress about the small things in life. Don't think I'd have the strength you or your dh have, your DD and new bean have great parents x

Made me tearful too. You must be an incredibly strong woman. Such a powerful post. Xxx

I'm not strong at all, I got dealt a horrible hand with this and I have bumbled through like anyone would. I've felt very fragile and weak most of the time, I struggled for over 4 years with anxiety and PTSD before I finally went and sobbed at the GPs and said I couldn't cope anymore and it was affecting DD and my parenting.

I wanted to terminate my little boy when I found out I was pregnant (unplanned, pill failure) because I was so terrified and so sure that I couldn't cope with the trauma of going through another pregnancy with anxiety out of control, panic attacks etc like with DD. Except when I had a scan to find out how far along I was (6 weeks) I heard and saw that little heartbeat and knew I couldn't stop it, I didn't even have the courage for that. I felt so desperate and so frightened. And I did accept the pregnancy once the shock had worn off a bit, and he became very wanted, and I had a scan at 9 weeks and was so relieved to see him there still ok. We dared to hope and to imagine. I was terrified when we knew we would lose him that it would really mean all the trauma from last time being dredged up and I would be in that darkest dark place all over again but weirdly it was almost healing. To revisit that process of induction, delivery, holding a tiny one, having DD1's grave reopened and him interred with her, and of course all the hurt, it somehow made me feel closer to DD1 again, like I had almost been able to hold her once more. And it helped to work through the process again, - it's hard to explain, but this time it was without fear, shock, the unknown and it was sad but not traumatic. I suppose it made me face my worst fears and realise that it won't break me. I could do it again if I had to (though I fervently hope I won't!), and it gave me the guts to have one more try, and here we are. If this little one makes it, then it will be entirely a gift from my DS, it would never have happened without him.

Please excuse the brain dump, it's been cathartic to write.

And we should probably get back to discussing poo, farts and all the other delights we normally fill the thread with

Aaw tinkly I have cried at Eggheads once when pg if that makes you feel any better! Bloody hormones. And some awful nature programme where a baby penguin chick was abandoned by its mother and was shivering and alone. DH had to turn it off I was beside myself. He still teases me about that now, it was years ago! Lovely that you can hear LittlePoo (and all your digestion!).

nasch the general consensus on here is that you want to wait until at least 8 weeks for a scan, loads of folk have had early private scans for reassurance, I have in the past but not this time. Have a google for clinics local to you, price varies a lot by area between about £40-£120. Babybond have loads of clinics around.

Welcome kylie and I'm so so sorry you've been through so much and lost a baby so late. If you're worried your pelvis is behaving strangely I'm sure a GP/MW/physio would check you over, esp as you've had PGP in the past.

Butterfly - I was so touched by your story. I am in awe that you felt strong enough to try again after all that you've been through. I almost decided not to have children at all because after 1 loss (and it wasn't even really a loss as such because it was molar) I wasn't sure I could do it again.

I will be 8 weeks next week and I've booked a private scan for Thursday 21st! I'm terrified but pleased it's booked and doesn't seem that far away. I'm paying the top end of that price range but I think that's the area I'm in (Oxfordshire is expensive for everything.) I'm hoping and praying for good news this time round.

So sorry to everyone. It is awfully hard, no matter what has happened. The loss is devastating :(

I am having a mild panic myself. In last pregnancy noticed symptoms dying away before the miscarriage at 8wks though they think it stopped developing at 5-6 wks, and now today (6+6) my boobs are hardly sore at all. I feel like this is a repeat of last time. God, I hope not.

Thank you for sharing Butterfly. You express things beautifully and you are stronger than you know. Perhaps we all are, it's just easier to see it from an outside perspective.

Hi everyone

Sorry to disrupt but can I ask a quick question. Does anyone know a good recurrent miscarriage clinic in the London area? One of my colleagues has just confided in me that she's had 4 MCs and wanted to know where my clinic was, but I'm in Hertfordshire and it's too far for her.

What are the best London ones? NHS? Does anyone know?

Thanks v much xx

Hello all. I was wondering if I could join you lovely ladies? It would be lovely to have people to talk to who understand how I feel right now.
I have had 4 miscarriages ranging from 5 weeks up to 13 weeks. I am now 6 weeks pregnant again and am being cared for by the miscarriage clinic at Liverpool womens hospital. As you can all understand I am extremely anxious but am trying to be positive. The Dr at the hospital has me on aspirin and progesterone and they are scanning me every two weeks to keep an eye. Fingers crossed for all us ladies xx

Nearly 27 weeks here! Can't believe it - starting to believe we might actually have a baby boy in a couple of months. Have started decorating the nursery now and we have furniture, and I'm pleased to report the anxiety has dropped down quite a bit (I'm not stressing and crying daily, well, I am still crying but usually because of an advert, a song on the radio or because the washer needs loading haha)

Nearly 12 months since my mc now - hard to think this time last year I was pregnant and that losing the baby hadn't even entered my head. Dreading the next few weeks - know the anxiety is going to come back again as I get to my mc date.

Hang in there ladies, it does get easier

That's just beautiful butterfly, thankyou so much for sharing and big hugs to you.

Northern- the last stretch, hooray!

Kate the Zita West clinic were great if she has a little spare cash. I think the miscarriage midwife/ counsellor was about £120 for an hour and so lovely and helpful.

Hello ladies :)

Mind if I join? I came across a link to your thread and popped over

I'm 6wks1d or thereabouts. I had a chemical pregnancy in early Sept last year and then a missed miscarriage in November. I had an ERPC and didn't tell anyone apart from dh and a couple of close friends. I came home (living with in laws at the mo) and just pretended to be ill then went to work the next day. No idea why. It sounds a bit mad now I read it.

Due to not being a spring chicken anymore (!) as I turned 39 last month, I followed my instinct and paid for private tests. They showed I have subclinical hypothyroidism as well as an issue with killer cells. I'm now on a treatment programme which should hopefully help but there's nothing can be done about age

So I'm a bit of a paranoid bundle at the moment! I had some brown spotting last week which freaked me out. It seems to have gone now but only time will tell. I have my first private scan next Monday and am petrified

HopefulKate - has she not been referred to a clinic by the nhs? I (maybe wrongly) thought that after 3 they would do so? I'm seeing Mr Shehata privately - he has a clinic in Epsom and Harley St (latter being refurbished until August). Epsom is only 30mins on the train from Waterloo though so not too bad. It's pricey though - I shelled out around £2k for the tests

Anyhoo, I've rambled! Wishing everyone a lovely evening :) xx

butterfly you are strong. Try to believe it. Many people wouldn't still be standing if they had the same to cope with
Hello to even more newbies!
I've already had my 12 wk scan date through (only booked in on Thursday last wk!) It's the 2nd August so 3 weeks to go. I've felt like I've had my head in a fog all day so back to bed for me.... but before I go, let me just tell you, for anyone struggling to eat or drink much, try jelly!! I've gone through 4 pots today and they are great!

Hi ladies, just checking in. The baby I conceived in October would have been due today if I hadn't miscarried, so that's very much on my mind. I'm 10+5 today and getting more convinced with each passing day that I've got a keeper this time. butterfly thanks for sharing your story, very evocatively and vividly expressed

Lovely to hear from you Lucky. Due dates are tough but must be lovely to have a growing bean inside you. Here is to a long & happy pregnancy!

Congrats mrschris and welcome!!

Thanks for the suggestions too for good recurrent MC clinics. Will pass it on.

I'm having a classic 'loss of symptoms' panic today and it's put me in a bad mood. Just need to focus on my summer holidays and whatever will be will be I guess. I really need someone to pray to!

Hope you all have good days.

Xx

lucky due dates are hard So much what might have been, so much unknown. I hope the day is gentle on you.

Hurrah for jelly lynsey, so glad you've found something you can face! I am feeling lots better - back on porridge for breakfast which is lovely, I haven't been able to face it for weeks. Little things make you feel a bit more like yourself!

kate unnerving isn't it when that happens. Someone posted upthread saying that at the start HCG doubles every 48-72 hours or thereabouts and then it lengthens a bit to every 92 hours, and for most people it's the rise in HCG, rather than the level itself which causes the groggy feelings, so quite normal to have good days and bad days symptom wise. Enjoy the reprieve and I'm sure you'll feel lousy again in a day or two!

Welcome crochet and karry, lovely to have so many people on here . karry I have Hashimotos (autoimmune underactive thyroid), so if I can be of any help in that respect don't hesistate to ask. What treatment are you on? I am at the cost of all those tests, nightmare!

Third tri is calling northern

11+2

My first visit after lurking for ages. I have an 8 year old but have had 6 miscarriages since. I had a positive pregnancy test yesterday (a 10 unit one) but it was feint. It's still feint today.
Anyone give me their feint test happy ending stories? My previous 4 feint ones have ended in early miscarriage (2 previous mmc too).
Good luck everyone chasing their rainbow babies x

Hi ladies, and welcome to the new girls.

I'm feeling a bit anxious and need a friendly slap!

My tests got slowly darker up until 18dpo, I'm now about 22dpo and they're not changing. Did a digi at 18dpo and just now and they both say 2-3 weeks - I know you're not meant to open then, but the test lines look exactly the same.

I've also had no symptoms since around 18dpo so am worried everything stopped progressing at that point